Vent siggy is soggy

i feel very dead. my head hurts because i cried so hard last night to my friend who was willing to listen and throw salt around with.

i'm... just glad i was able to let out my feelings fully without any censor, i suppose.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with that shit, but I'm glad you have someone you don't have to censor yourself around.

 

I think a good amount of weight was lifted from my chest.

After crying my heart out to a friend and telling another who was closer to someone else i didn't like and who also went through what i went through, i'm... glad i'm not friends with the person i 've been upset at for a year.

it hurts. it... really does, but i'm not as nervous and i dont have to worry about talking to them anymore.

the people i talked to agree that.. it's their fault. i tried to reach out to them and i tried to, idk ask what was wrong with them. as well as just, i wanted to hang out with them and do friend things, u know? like what we used to and do more when they were able to, i didnt like forcing them to do things and i was always up for planning things. and when i tried to plan on their schedule, they just ignored me.

I felt them a letter i'm guessing they didn't even read, like hell theyve been avoiding me/not talking to me when i wanted to ask them simple questions (and not at once either, every few days or so, or once a day, spaced it out). and i noticed they unfollowed/friended me pretty much everywhere (i wasnt even trying to talk to them either, it was mostly on discord)

really i'm just.. disappointed. disappointed in them for getting my hopes up in a lot of things they got me in to and left me behind when i wanted to do that thing with them and they did it with someone else. disappointed that they pushed me aside for someone else, and disappointed in them for saying i should work on my depression and i make theirs flair. when all i fucking wanted was some communication.

i left the game's i was in with them, i'm kind of worried about one friend who has no idea what's going on, hell even my DM didn't know cuz i didnt wanna bug him, but he asked, i told him what happened and why i left those games. i'd love to go back but i'm that upset at the person who hurt me that i'd rather not be there anymore.

I put in way too much effort and too much emotion into that friendship that i guess i didnt get what i gave back. i never ask for much from others, i just ask for communication. i don't force people to tell me where they are or what theyre doing, i just... ask for people to reply later if theyre too tired to reply now, you know?

 

though this whole situation did give me something new to work on, my possibility on having BPD or Bipolar disorder and how to work around that.

 

i'm actually still in one group with them, it's a zine group and whenever i go check what new messages are on there, i noticed they appear online more after i just cut the line and just.

dunno, it hurts. it still does.

just... knowing i might've been the biggest reason why they appeared offline.

 

im trying to not dwell on this anymore than i have too.

but, you know i'm hurting when im still thinking about this whole thing and trying to work to get better.

 

yeah!!!!!! yeah theyre appearing online more cuz i'm not on their friends list now!!!!!!

:')))
this is great!!!!!! knowing i really am the reason why they didnt appear online! so they can avoid me!!!!!!! nice! great!!! just!!1


great....


i'm really hurting lol

 

nothing is more great than an old friend agreeing that the person i stopped talking to is a bag of dicks

like it's... nice having an outside opinion/outside view of what happened cuz they also followed the person i stopped talking to for years, and said that they,, are selfish in many ways for some reason.

so like, i guess it really isn't me. cuz i guess if it was i'd still not be talking to my online friends of 10 years by now so ;;w;;

it kind of gives me more hope

 

i sometimes complain about the person i stopped being friends with, but i've actually have felt less sad.

a lot less stressed and like?? just... not as bad as i felt.

i hope i can feel like this more, i enjoy being with the people i talk to more.

 

ugh, i wish i talked to some of my mutuals more.

i just feel like a bother when i try to say hi or ask them something.

i need to lie down.

 

ugh, i think being sick is messing with my head, but man, i wish i wasn't so afraid of everyone to the point where i think they hate me if i even said anything to them.

i'll sleep this off i guess, idk...

ugh..

 

That's a very hard and isolating feeling to grapple with. I hope you start feeling better from being sick soon and I hope the brain bugs let up.

 

thank you, the brainbug needs to stop munchin on my brain stuff

 

Legit, what happened between me and my friend... really messed me up.

im so afraid if people i talk to/mutuals with unfollow, on purpose or not, me i get paranoid and nervous and upset when they dont follow me back and i wish i wasnt like this?? i dont want to be like this and i hate it.

 

Breaking ties with a friend is always super difficult, and it's easy for that anxiety to spill over into other relationships. I'm sorry you had to stop talking to this person. I hope everyone else is being understanding.

 

When I left my dnd games, my DM asked me what's up but said nothing after i told him why i left. like just 'well if you want to come back whenever, just tell me'

and like?? when i go onto roll20 and i see my old games, i see he added in someone else in,, to like replace me.

which honestly??? is kind of shitty of him to do, cuz i was one of the people in one of his games that made it fun and i guess like, contributed A LOT. and for him to replace me after i left (but still tell me i can come back whenever) is kind of shitty. you dont... replace someone in a game, especially since there's enough players in there already. whatever.

idk, a friend who's in both games is a bit annoyed at our dm too since now there's a lingering knowledge that i left and no one will ask or whatever.

i just feel like no one cares except my friend who's in both games cuz he's sad i left, cuz he was gonna introduce a new character we both already saw was good for mine but i had to leave, i was hurting. i just hope he has fun in those games.

 

man. really.

i guess i sound petty and me thinking about this doesnt help but i also wish my old friend fucking knew how much they hurt me.

or like, someone scolding them for how they treated me. idk...

i dont even want people going against them or siding with me, i just,,, want someone to tell them they were shitty to me.

but it also sounds one sided i suppose.

 

bluh, i shouldn't let this fester, it's bad for me and me trying to get over this whole thing OTL

maybe i should go outside at some time soon, my cold is nearly over, which is surprising, usually my colds last a week, not three days.

 

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Also that hurt and betrayal is perfectly normal. I went through something similar and unfortunately it takes a long time to process. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.

 

I think the worst thing is why im also very upset is like...

it's obvious they don't care. they just... stopped caring to talk to me after awhile for no real fucking reason.

the only thing i can think of is me wanting to hang out with them when they were available and when they were up to it. but they tell me they weren't up to it, but then i see them doing the thing i wanted to do with them with someone else.


so like. just... a lot of hurt.

and they just do not fucking care.