Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by mcsiggy, Mar 1, 2017.
It’s still not showing for me but it might be my connection, I’ll try again later! And any time <3
i'm absolutely hating myself so much, i'm upset my friends got together, not at them, but at MYSELF for BEING upset, cuz iguess, idk, it's a mild change for me?? but i guess i had a mild crush on both of them, but it was so passive that i either never did have one, out of confusion for being so touch starved, and or i have the worst time knowing how to handle specific feelings now that isn't romantic.
and it,, i guess reminded me that i'm a total failure at romantic relationships. i never know what to do in them, i dont know how to really communicate i think?? i dont know, i'm afraid of showing TOO MUCH affection where it can come off as so little affection. im, i hate myself SO much for being like this, upset, all the damn time cuz all around, no matter what i do or how i do things, i just feel like a complete failure.
i just, i really want to die, it's too much for me, but im so scared to even attempt anything, it feels like so much is crashing down on me all at once, between health and money issues in my family, to me being removed from a whole community, and me being upset at myself for having the inability to fucking grow up and be an adult.
i wish i just got the stupid virus so i can finally die w/o me doing it myself. i'm almost 26, i can't drive, i don't have a job job, i do nothing but sit at home trying to draw but i dont bring any substance ever, everything i do is just useless garbage, just like me.
Abandonment is very apparent in my fears
I think the 'me being removed from a whole community' thing really has effected me more than I assumed, i'm just, irrationally angry and just, not wanting to talk to anyone who even stayed around to talk to me, but is still /there/ cuz theyre too afraid to even interact with me outside of dms. like am i being irrational? maybe, but im also just, hurt, entirely.
the fact that no one but a few believed me, but still unfollowed me cuz theyre afraid of being accused via association. just, it's upsetting. i can't even enjoy the stupid fucking game anymore cuz of how the whole community tainted it for me. im still playing the game passively when i can but i'm just, upset. i kind of wish i said something, told them to shut up but, i know that'd bring in so much more problems than what came out.
i just hate being a stupid helpless person all the time, i wish i can stand up for myself but it's hard. it's so so hard.
Am I petty for wanting to join an open art summer WoW event despite there are people who got me thrown out of the wow community and will most likely spread misinfo about me?
maybe, i know if i actively ignore them they won't do anything to me, especially since, again, its an open art event.
but,, im also afraid and just, i feel like this will be something that happens to me because i disagree with so many of them over them thinking cartoons are on the same level as real people. idk why it's a hot take to say real people 100% matter more than cartoons.
like lmao they throw a fit over porn of a character but will 100% not care on harassing and witch hunting bipoc queer people away because of a simple disagreement.
i was kicked 2 minutes after joining the discord, at least i have Drone season to look forward to i guess.
5 months later to say i dont know why I violently react every time i see june egbert >:'|
lol honestly I feel shitty for not liking femme egbert but when it was everywhere for a short time and people were shitty to others about it, i just, didn't want to see june egbert ever again ;__; it feels like a stupid excuse but i get so stubborn
Honestly I completely get that—I’ve definitely had that deep-seated “NOPE” reaction towards headcanons I saw people being nasty about and outright forcing on others. It almost always taints the well for the headcanon itself, at least for me.
So no, that’s not a stupid excuse. It’s a very human response!
i always just feel so bad not liking it while others do ;__; and i know i can get on heated about this so i try super hard to not be negative about it when people are happy, u know? but damn did a lot of fans hella ruin the whole thing for me before i even dipped my toe in the pool lmao.
im just glad im not alone on that ;__;
I feel like an idiot that idk how to really handle anything half the time anymore. I just get high every day cuz of how paranoid and nervous and afraid I am about everything but I also just
I feel like I'm a whole idiot about life. Idk how to drive, idk how to do basic health stuff like calling a doctor or where to go, credit cards scare me, I feel so overwhelmed by life more than ever than I used to when I was 20. I just... idk, idk where to go but im so scared doing a thing all alone I just want someone to be there with me not to hold my hand but,,, I guess to support me.
Seeing everyone I know have partners just makes me feel like I'm unlovable because how emotional I am. I feel ugly all the time I feel like an idiot all the time, I feel like a bother, just ugh, I just,, want to feel less confined in myself, I feel trapped so emotionally where I feel like I'm regressing mentally, just I want to have my own place, my own way of owning something that isnt physical but... idk...
I really am a pathetic shaking chihuahua who barks at everyone and cried when I'm held then im quiet once I feel even a little comfortable and that takes months
i'm just,, idk. at least ill have my laptop with me during the weekend so i guess i'll feel less awful in some way? idk lmao. ill be able to actually still be in calls with friends but,, even calls feel less fun for me cuz i just, feel and sound like an idiot on things.
man im just, not having a good time anymore, it hurts thinking about how i ruined my few opportunities in love and i feel like i'll be legit forever alone because i'm a wreck of a mess i know no one wants to be with, my computer's graphics drivers keep having issues to hell and back, im worried about money, i feel pathetic among all my friends even when they say they enjoy my company and do love me but
i dont know, ijust, i dont know how long i have atm with my current mental state, i feel like im degrading with each passing day and i cant keep using weed gummies to numb even a little bit of the pain too.
i just, i want someone to help me, i want my hand held before i can walk on my own again, i'm so so scared of everything in the world now and i dont know what to do
i think im allowed to be angry and petty!! if people who hurt me were allowed to be petty and mean to me then i can just a bit!!
i know i made a whole chapter of my comic on forgiving/forgetting for your health but im TIRED of just!! letting people go for my health
maybe i WANT people to know someone is shitty and awful and continues to have a streak of abuse towards people who are simply existing and don't kiss ass to people!!
i feel like shit and im mad and im upset!!!
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