Vent siggy is soggy

Honestly I wanna die. I don't see any possible future where I'm doing anything meaningful for myself or anything around me.

 

I Dont have any drive to do anything, I forget so much now and nothing really seems to bring me joy long enough for me to process it. It just comes and goes so fast and all I'm left is feeling hallow and tired.

 

Maybe going to the pool will help.

 

I didn't go to the pool.

 

Idk, living in a world that wanted me dead before I was born doesn't encourage me to continue existing.

 

just give me 5 million dollars and ill shut up forever

 

I was so happy when I got my bike, and now that excitement is fully gone cuz i fell off my bike cuz my ankle gave out and i scraped my chin, and yesterday i looked down and ran into a parked car and i am just, so embarrassed and i am in pain cuz i feel like im going to break my drawing arm just, im so upset at myself for being so stupid.

it doesnt help that this week is a con week i usually go to and all my friends/everyone i know is going and im just, im not going at all. i know i'd be too upset when im there and i dont want to spend money i don't have either.

this week has not been going great for me i think, and i just want to lay down and die.

i know thats so extreme of me but things have been piling up.

 

I feel like I won't be able to support myself once my parents are gone. Idk how my brothers will support themselves too. I just... idk. Jobs are so scary right now and I'm too sensitive to handle any. Honestly the more I look at my less than ideal future, the more I just want to end it all so I'm not taking up space anymore than I already have.

 

am i a whiny little baby for not wanting to get a job? Maybe! but with how everything is on where i would have to work myself to near death just to live isn't what i want, and i think i'd rather die than do that.

i mean, i know i'd die than being homeless.

 

honestly, i would like a job, but i don't want to sacrifice my own time because there arent enough workers either. i just need to grow up more and learn how to say no more.

 

Realized i won't even be able to work in any form of education because of my history of drawing nsfw online + the very real possibility of having strangers between the ages of 14 to adult would call my work to get me fired cuz i made 'illegal' contest (nsfw of fictional characters in a fictional setting)

but also just...
idk, i know mostly this is the beginnings of my period making me sad but i really dont!! like existing

 

I just wanna go to sleep.

im so upset that someone stole my back light, like maybe it fell off between me leaving my bike and coming back and i just didnt see it but,, nothing else was taken so it's just weird and confusing that this happened, but im still upset since i've had people steal from me 1 too many times where im just full on paranoid.

like, im getting a new back light, but it still is upsetting this even happened.

 

ive been playing baldurs gate pretty much almost all day for the past few days and, man

i really think im repulsed from relationships and sex all together, despite me wanting to have,well, both, i guess.

sex isn't important for me, but i guess just, i want to be with someone who likes me for me, and i want to give that same feeling back. but w/ how im unable to express half the shit i wanna express, idk if its possible at this point.

 

I feel like my desire to draw is fading, and once that is gone, I feel like my will to live will be fully gone too, as depressing as that is

 

found out today that someone who followed me (but i saw them on tumblr from time to time because of people i follow/mutuals) died this month. it's... really sad i won't see them around anymore.

idk, it's been on my mind, and it's been making me upset in a way i cant really articulate.

 

This last day or so, I've been seeing an artist who, i never followed, but has remembered seeing their harassment a few years ago, is now dying because they have no health care because of them losing their job. and everyone who got them to lose that job is just... they continue to either spread lies about that artist, deny they've done anything bad, or just feign ignorance.

just, idk. its upsetting knowing that this kind of situation ive always been a legit fear of mine is now reality really just.

it upsets me to no end. i try real hard to not care about anti/proship shit but, this is too far, it's always been too far the moment anyone who called themselves an anti decided to accuse strangers of awful crimes over cartoon nsfw. no one who bullies and harms people like this don't realize (or they do and dont care) that this legit kills people. and now im seeing it happen just... it hurts to see.

 

honestly baffles me that people call cartoon nsfw 'pedo art' and fucking shares it to anyone who asks to see it like
DO YOU NOT HEAR YOURSELF? YOU'RE ACCUSING SOMEONE OF BEING A PEDOPHILE, SAYING THEY MAKE PEDOPHELIC THINGS, THEN YOU SHARE SAID ART?

WHY NOT REPORT IT TO THE PROPER AUTHORITIES IF YOURE SO WORRIED IT'S DANGEROUS AND PEDOPHELIC?

oh cuz they dont think it is, they just want clout and to bully someone until theyre gone, dead being preferable from what it seems.

 

ngl i got this awhile ago but it's still funny but also awful. like how shitty does one have to be to 'inform' someone someones bad w/o any shred of proof of said bad thing aside a buzzword that's constantly having it's definition changed by the said people who do all they can to control the narrative.??


i really hate the ani/proship stuff, but man dude, i dont get how people thing both sides are bad when one side has a LOT of evidence over the past almost 10 years of people calling themselves anti's and harassing, sexually harassing, suicide bait people to near or to full death, and also anti's admitting they assaulted/sexually assaulted people.

like??? god.

 

Its just

idk, it's insane how awful people can be to strangers over cartoon porn. to the point of having someone do End Of Life stuff too.

like??? how awful is that?? to know someone's preparing to kill themselves because of so many people slandering their name over cartoon porn, INVADER ZIM PORN, all becuase of jealousy, clout chasing, and wanting control.

i really hope everyone who participated in this whole affair has what's coming to them, i really, really do.

 

ngl sometimes i wish i did killed myself 10 years ago.