Vent siggy is soggy

everything in my life now would be fixed if i had enough money to fucking live

 

man, even w/ my injury getting better, im just. financially im so tired.

im upset at myself for buying chocolates at a fudge place i go to maybe a few times a year. :')

 

trying so so hard to have myself start drawing and working on it but nothing makes me happy, everything im making just, i dunno.

im not happy

 

lmao man, dude. i can't even get vaccines w/o spending over $100 so i didn't and bought eggnog and idk, if i die i die at this point.

 

honestly i just
i just want to die lmao
i'm not sure what to do anymore in my life, i'm too mentally unwell to hold a proper job and people aren't buying art much atm because everything is getting expensive

 

nothing sparks joy even for awhile. i feel like i'm just doing things because im used to them and that's it.

nothing feels fun, nothing feels anything anymore. even if i laugh at something, at the end of everything i just feel numb and i dont remember feeling joy anymore after having it.

 

lmao ive lost confidence in posting any art anymore this isnt good

 

lmao i didnt realize i didnt get health care cuz i missed interviews to determine if i'm eligible or not despite me thinking i did all that already in person so okay.

 

honestly idk if i can even be on this medicine for awhile, im finding it harder and harder to go on even w/ me having the opportunity to get better health stuff, like?? whats the point in the end if i'm going to constantly worry about money and being unable to get out of that because of how expensive everything is now.

 

ive been taking showers more to decompress but idk anymore. i just dont want to do anything anymore. i'm too overwhelmed and scared that i just want everything to stop entirely

 

im having such a hard time even playing baldurs gate 3 now.

i think me fracturing my wrist really did something to me cuz i am just, so so unhappy more than i was before. i have no desire to draw half the time anymore, and playing games usually helps me but, i dont have any desire to do that anymore either.

 

i want the drive i had 10 years ago, hell, even 5 years ago, but now it seems like it's gone and im just... not sure what to do anymore.

i want to get better. but i dont know where to start, and whenever i do try something new that could help me, its... scary? intimidating? confusing?? a lot of those, honestly.

but most of all im just tired. so so so tired.

 

really hope that this lump in my breast isn't breast cancer.

 

im too afraid to even ride my bike and go somewhere now.

 

I think the lump in my chest got bigger. idk, but i need to make an appointment after megacon to get it properly checked + get lab tests done /_\ just... health stuff stresses me out so much, idk why.

 

when i stretch i can see the lump and just, im tryikng so hard to not freak out about it. but also some sick part of me hopes its what it is and i just die sooner than later, but i also know i really want to live as long as i can and have a fulfilling life.

 

where would i even go after I die? idk.

but somehow I hope I go somewhere that's nice, or I reincarnate into a better world.

idk, i'm just, idk. i know i dont want to do anything, but i think i legit just, want to live somewhere quiet and not worry about so many things anymore.

 

idk, im at a point where i feel like i cant even make fanart of homestuck w/o thinking no one will see it because of how different the fandom is now.

 

like nothing more fun than being seemingly blocked by half the fandom because you think you shouldnt tell others to kill themselves for drawing things that are personally squicky,

 

idk just,, drawing has been incredibly hard lately. everything i make i feel like it won't be good enough or well drawn enough.

i wanna stream more art again but i might legit have to do it scared, but idk if that'll be good for me either.