Vent siggy is soggy

I really am a massive fucking waste, a big ol replacement friend and everything that comes with it.

i really am good for just fucking drawing things for people and never getting anything back.
and when i do get something back it's like... im so glad i got something but i also just.... feel so angry at myself where i had to make so much shit before hand to earn something back and i hate this about myself

all i ever do is draw for attention, i feel like what i do is a massive waste and i dont know how i'll not unthink that now...

 

A complete visual representation of my whole life up to this point.

 

haha, you know what also hurts? when someone from the group you arent in invites you to something that might as well be a goddamn extension to the main group everyone's in and they go right back to the other group.

like yeah they mention something from you but hey, im not there, so why does it matter, you know?

haha like honestly i'm not good enough to be in anything anymore. or ever. and me bitching about this behind their backs shows how much of a shitty person i am...

 

you know one of the real kickers? I really want to tell them how sidelined i feel.

I was already in a dnd game, and they got into one themselves and im like, yo cool, we should get into a dnd game together! and they're all 'yeah we should!! then they get into another that allowed using ocs and im like?? 'oh it's full, okay, but NEXT TIME we're both totally getting in one together!'

they agreed and THEN, they get into ANOTHER GAME, and fucking went off doing that shit without me! yeah they tried to invite me in but again, another fucking full game. not once was i feeling a little sidelined and ignored, but TWICE to the point where in this fucking game we're in, it makes references to their other games characters! because the dm in my game is in the OTHER two campaigns as well! so not only do i feel so out of the fucking loop, i feel like a massive idiot for being confused and asking questions who a character is! yeah the dm included my oc's but it doesn't feel the fucking same. the other games don't have my characters in where everyone can share a laugh and have a cry over, no my dm has to shoehorn in my oc's so i can feel included. i'm honestly glad he's doing it, but what does it matter? the other players don't seem to know i exist, even when i made a stupid fucking mini comic of my character turning into the other FROM THE OTHER GAME IM NOT IN, i still feel sidelined!

I STILL FEEL LIKE I'M BEING USED. I wasn't able to say 'hey guys i made this for everyone because it was what i was hoping to do in this session!' my DM had to and hardly got any reactions or what people said! i have to keep linking things to some people to say 'hey look i made this thing!' so i can get noticed now!!!!

SO YEAH. I'M FUCKING UPSET FOR BEING PUSHED TO THE SIDE WHERE IF I ATTEMPT TO SAY ANYTHING LIKE 'HEY CAN I PLAY WITH THE BIG KIDS?' I'D FEEL LIKE I WOULD BE LAUGHED AT AND SAY 'SORRY, THERE'S NO ROOM FOR BABIES'

Because that's how it felt to me this whole time. being a fucking 5 year old in the presence of a bunch of cooler 10 year olds who could only invite me because their parents said 'please watch siggy, she needs friends!'

because, haha, again, that's what ive had happen in my life!!

Spoiler: hey a small story

because one time when i was... i'm going to say under 10, still in elementary school, i was supposed to make friends with some older cousins, but they obviously didnt want me there. so they say 'hey lets play hide and seek!' and i became the seeker! and guess what? they fucking ditched me, went off without me doing whatever and i felt fucking hurt. it's that feeling all over again and IM SO MAD.

so yeah i'm upset, goodnight i guess, i hope i get a heart attack in my sleep.

 

never knew this whole fucking situation can actually make me lose my drive to even draw.

im pathetic.

 

it sucks i cant even mention anything to them. because i know i'd ruin something between us so.

yeah.

i just have to fucking pull through this but i dont know how i'll get over this either.

 

nothing seems more rude than saying 'hey i think [this other person] was thinking of being this class too lmao'

like thanks.

thanks for making me want to pick a different class.

 

I think i'm at a point where I have to keep a smiling face up so my absolute anger doesn't boil over

I'm honestly getting fed up with all the inside jokes everyone knows but me being thrown around like i'm in their other two sessions.

It's kind of discouraging and quite fucking annoying.

 

It's like being in a group of people your friend knows and they all make jokes about stuff they've made with each other and you have to sit there like a massive fucking moron having to ask questions or just sit there looking like a downer and not laughing with them.

like, haha, again, my life you know? Honestly this whole experience is reminding me why i wish i was dead by now.

 

I told my dm my problems and he seems to really understand, but we both knew there's nothing anyone can do, since my problems are, well all from me. It's kinda nice that I told him, It was really eating me up for awhile...

 

I think i'm finally getting better. I think the chanting i did really helped a lot.
Today wasn't really bad at all either.

I finally showered after a few days of not, i had an actual full meal and my brother got me some cream soda, and I made a new friend.

 

though im not gonna have my hopes very up at this moment on everything all sunshine. keeping them low to not hurt myself, u know?

 

>Friend mentions how they love how all their friends are talented
>Anxiety hits
>"They aren't talking about YOU, you FUCKING IDIOT, YOU AREN'T THEIR FRIEND, AND YOU'RE NOT TALENTED. STOP LYING TO YOURSELF"
>ok...

 

im just too scared to talk to them anymore because i feel like they used to talk to me every day and now they just... dont.

and the other person they talk to im like, so fucking jealous. maybe envy more? it feels like it's a bad mix of both.

im just so mad feeling like this but im so upset feeling like ive been replaced so fucking bad and...


and then again they do little things that remind myself that they do still like me and see me as a friend but then im reminded that i can't say anything to them and expect no reply back. not even a 'goodnight' anymore and it's the fucking worst.

i guess i have a real case of the friend crush to the point where my heart was super smashed.

I don't know. im crying as i type this and i think im disassociating? my head's kind of light and i dont know what to do....

 

Ahh, I'm so glad you're feeling better!

Personally, I think it would be good to have a frank talk with your friend about the issue. Not in an accusatory way or anything, just, you know, setting boundaries. Like maybe you can tell them you are happy they are having so much fun, but that you would rather they don't talk to you about that game you're not in because it makes you upset. Maybe it's not super rational of you, but it's how you feel at the moment, and pretending you aren't bothered by it is only going to heighten resentment.
It's not like you are demanding something unreasonable. You're not the only person your friend can talk to about the game, and they have friends who are in it and actually get all the in-jokes. I actually think it's sorta tactless and rude of your friend to keep gushing about something you really wanted to be part of.

Real talk: it is likely that you won't talk as much for some time, at least as long as they are still really excited over the game.
However, initial excitement over a new thing usually tends to mellow out after a while, and they will talk more about other things again!

 

@WinkWonk <3

 

hhhh. this... other dnd group im in, i think i feel the most left out in it. because i really dont know anyone aside from the dm and i dont have much interest in knowing them either? that sounds harsh but i dont know what i can talk to them about. oh well.

 

the game was fun today!

I think why im not so enthusiastic is because im just.... not doing much.

anxiety is a bitch but, playing the game reminded me that i really do like playing with them, but i wish i had more in common with them too.

 

I need to go outside again. I dont think ive been out of the house in a good long ass while.