So, uh, a general heads up for suicide attempts and suicidal ideation, and it's kinda long. There's a tl;dr. I don't even know where to begin here. I have major suicidal ideation triggers around school, particularly grades. I feel that I'm worthless and the only thing that matters about me is my ability to produce good grades, which I cannot consistently do, even though I'm "smart." When I was a junior in high school, I took my AP chemistry exam, knew I had failed, and tried to kill myself. This obviously did not work. My parents didn't notice? They had no idea this happened. I went through a period of about two years where like, I remembered it happening, but it Did Not Register as having actually been a suicide attempt. Even though it was. I really wanted to take a gap year after high school. I knew I wasn't ready for college, because I'd hit this point where I had so much performance anxiety about doing well on tests and other graded material, that I'd be too anxious to do it or do well, and then when I got the grades back, and they were poor, I'd give up and stop trying, continue getting poor grades, and further reinforce my inability to do my work. I also knew I was depressed, and that the major trigger I had at the time was school and grades (because Nothing About Me Matters Except My Grades) and wanted a break. My parents said no. So I went to college. I wanted to major in linguistics. I have since I was in elementary school and discovered what linguistics was. My parents think this is a stupid thing to learn about and told me I Was Not Allowed to pursue it. I wanted to major in psychology. My mother thinks all of psychiatry is Fake, and that I would be "miserable" if I pursued a career in psychology, and that I Was Not Allowed to pursue it. They wanted me to be a comp sci or science (chemistry or physics) major. My parents wanted me to go to a big school. I knew I would get lost, and I would try to kill myself, and I suspected that I would succeed this time. I went to a college barely larger than my high school, with only about 3,000 students. My parents hated it, and only agreed because it was the cheapest option. When I was sophomore in high school, I joined my school's Model UN team. I enjoyed it, and it was the only academic adjacent interest I had that my parents approved of. So when I went to college, I became a global studies major. I don't dislike the subject (I think it's really interesting, honestly), but I'm only majoring in it because it was the best compromise I could think of between things I was interested in and what my parents wanted me to do in college. I was diagnosed with bipolar my sophomore year of college. I told my parents this, and they stopped paying for my therapy and medication. I did not have a job or any funds of my own at the time. I had to go off my meds cold turkey, and could not see anyone, for three months. During this time, my abusive relationship ended, and my ex (who I lived with) attempted to get me to face disciplinary action (because we roomed together, and she kicked me out of the room, and you Are Not Allowed to not live in your dorm), stole some of my things, and destroyed some of my other belongings. I was also dealing with the fact that, after a year and a half of trying to major in global studies, and the fact that I still hadn't dealt with the whole "grades make me suicidal thing," I hated everything about college and couldn't cope. I tried to kill myself. This time I was hospitalized, and I went home for a two week period, where I did a partial hospitalization program. My parents were understandably distraught, but. They didn't understand anything about what had happened, or what had led up to my suicide attempt. I tried showing them an article about "how to help your depressed high schooler," trying to explain that here were the warning signs I exhibited in high school, and here is how you handled them in exactly the wrong direction - and all my parents got out of it was that they should have prevented me from having online friends? Which I didn't even have at the time? I wanted to take a break from college. I wanted to withdraw for the semester, maybe not even go back the next semester and just. Take a break. My parents were disappointed when I brought it up. I went back to school after the PHP ended. I ended up withdrawing from every class that semester anyway, and failed every class the next semester. I was barely on track to graduate on time, because I came in to college with enough AP credits that I started as a sophomore, by credits. If I passed all of my classes junior and senior year, I would graduate. Except I had a terrible GPA, and my parents said I Was Not Allowed to graduate without getting my GPA up to a 3.00. I went back to school for my junior year. I have tried, and I have failed, and there is no way for me to get my GPA above that goal. Honestly, I am barely capable of passing my classes right now. After a lot of deliberation, I have decided to drop out of college. I can't go back for my senior year. I might go back at a later date? But I'm not attempting school full time again until I have a) dealt with my suicidal ideation around grades, and b) am taking classes in subjects I am actually interested in for me, not my parents. I am taking two classes at the local community college, French and developmental psych, mostly because I don't want to deal with my student loans yet, and 6 credits means I don't have to start paying them back yet, but it's not full time, and also the class times are flexible and will allow me to work full time. I'm not telling my parents this until I move out with my cat into an apartment with my fiance. I honestly have no idea how to predict what my parents reaction will be, but I do suspect they would kick me out if I wasn't moving out anyway. (They have talked a lot about how Sometimes, Kicking Out Your Child Is The Best Thing That Could Happen To Them.) I've been asking around for how to tell them, but honestly, idk. I don't think I even care anymore. I'm so tired of them refusing to understand what's wrong, and given the issues we're having with me being trans and polyamorous anyway, I've decided that moving out will be my first step in ultimately cutting contact with my parents. What I'm more worried about is that while my one sister is in college, my brother and other sister are 11 and 13 respectively. I'm afraid if I move out, and go low-contact like I'm planning on right now, my parents will prevent me from having a relationship with them. TL;DR I'm dropping out of college, plan on going low contact with my parents, and am worried I will lose contact with my youngest siblings.