so i'm being followed by demons: what do

psych: you're hallucinating because you're anxious about something
me: but it isn't tied to any of the things i know i'm anxious about
psych: maybe you're anxious about something that you don't know you're anxious about

 

I mean, on one hand, I am often anxious for zero discernible reason. like, I'm not worrying about anything, I'm just experiencing somatic anxiety. so that's... a vaguely reasonable thing to say? but, uh. I am also pretty damn sure that anxiety does not cause delusions and auditory and visual hallucinations. like. just a guess there. (the delusions being the convictions that the demons are out to get you, etc.)

 

That's not-- you can have hallucinations for reasons unrelated to existing on the record psychiatric conditions. Your psych is really failing you right now, holy hell.

 

i agree with others here about anxiety probably not being the cause but even if part of it is because of anxiety, this is still very very serious and you still deserve treatment. your psych should not be brushing you off like this!!!

 

i couldn't make myself do much besides make skeptical noises today but, as i need to call him anyway, i'm going to try and bug him tomorrow. because, as a friend pointed out, if i am having anxiety that causes delusions and hallucinations then i am probably in need of treatment in any case.

i'm too much of a fucking weenie to go to the psych ward over this even though i probably should, lmao. god i am so fucking worthless.

(other highlights of today's visit to the psych- still does not take my ed seriously, got pissy when i said that i wasn't letting my dad talk to him, kept on saying over and over again that i 'wasn't schizophrenic.' like okay, dude, that's nice and all but i am still, like, hallucinating? honestly i expected a less skeptical reaction to 'i have been sleeping with the lights on for months because if i don't the demons that live underneath my bed will poison me')

 

you're not worthless and my opinion of your psych ranks somewhere between unstoppable car alarms and soggy socks

 

Not worthless! Ur experience with the psych ward was shitty af and wanting to avoid it is a normal rxn

Ur psych is garbagetier and his mother should be disappointed in him

 

You're not worthless, and frankly your psych is an absolutely shithead. It sucks that this is an improvement on every other bit of psychiatric care you've had.

 

that had been my impression too, yes.

 

...yeah i'm gonna switch to a new psych after my next appointment i think. this is getting kinda ridick, and even if the new person is shitty, maybe they'll be a different kind of shitty.

 

update: shrink is baffled by psych's irresponsibility, told me to text him if anything gets screwier. also i am currently convinced that someone's gonna shoot me in the head because ??????
they are in the dark waiting for me but it's only a matter of time. fun times

 

Do you think that's worth texting him about? (Also glad to see that he's aware and appalled by your psych's behavior too. Seriously, what the fuck.)

 

it's eleven o clock and the dude's personal phone number. i'll text him in the morning if i'm still convinced that there's an assassin after my ass/if i don't get shot by said (fake, probably) assassin.

 

Headology: acquire/summon another monster to scare them off? (one that is friendly to you)

 

Your psych is being an absolute shithead.

It seems possible to me that he's trying to downplay your anxiety to like, help keep you from getting even more anxious. I'm not saying this is what you have, but sometimes anxiety/paranoia stuff really can start bordering on the psychotic end of things, because it's all deluded thinking in a way. I've been there, we're fairly sure by now it wasn't psychosis, but hey then again I do have bipolar disorder.

You're not worthless. Your friend who pointed out that your symptoms need and deserve treatment regardless of how they're sourced is absolutely correct.

For the life of me I've never seen a psychiatrist so unwilling to prescribe medication and see what happens from there? Like, that's what my psychiatrist and I do. I'm the labrat, but I'm a labrat who is informed and consenting (and even partially directing) my treatment (aka "experiments"). Literally sometimes you don't know WTF is going on until you trial a type of medication and see what happens. So many psychiatrists are quite happy to write me a script for Seroquel, for fuck's sake, and most of those psychiatrists don't even believe that I have bipolar disorder (they all think I have BPD and NPD. Which, like, I see why they see this, but... it's hilariously wrong. And they're still happy to provide me with Seroquel).

Sorry if you mentioned further back in the thread anything to do with that, and I ain't trying to push a specific medication at you or whatever, or even push the medication option at you. It's just the first thing that comes to mind.

Holy crap you need a new psychiatrist. I'm glad you're already thinking of switching to a new one. I wholeheartedly agree. You need to advocate for yourself in order to get the treatment you need and deserve, unfortunately that's just extra fucking difficult when one is already ill. But it's the only way I've ever squeezed anything beneficial out of the system, and it's the only way I found the good doctors and other workers who genuinely help me.

Going to the psych ward can be scary. I've been there. I'm not in a hurry to get back. The ward has its uses, it's generally better for you if you're self admitted (though admittedly harder to get in that way). I had issues my first time because I didn't specifically state "I am a danger to myself or others", I was giving them a detailed list of my symptoms and telling them my psychiatrist had seen me that day over her lunch break and instructed me to admit myself for my manic episode. Actually, they would've sent me home if it weren't for my psychiatrist contacting the ward and telling them off. Next time I needed the ward, I knew to include some sort of specific line about being a danger to myself even though technically since I knew I needed the ward and got myself there I wasn't a danger to myself after all.

(Joseph Heller really nailed it. My favourite book ever and the origin of the phrase "Catch 22". Anyway.)

I've noticed some docs are incredibly leery of labeling anything as psychosis if you're aware that this stuff ain't right, or at least you're pretty sure it ain't right. In one sense I grok that, because some intense forms of anxiety and the like can end up looking like psychosis (I spent months half convinced I was "thought broadcasting", knowing that wasn't at all possible, and "playing" songs nonstop in my mind just in case anyway; turns out this is more like OCD of the "pure O" kind). That stuff still needs to be treated of course.

But in many other ways it's immensely frustrating, because I've met plenty of folks with psychotic disorders who experience various levels of self awareness during episodes (especially when the episode is starting up), and catching this stuff early is so important and basically sometimes it looks like "is this psychosis? well I'm asking myself this question so I guess it can't be..." when in fact it's yourself catching on to things as they progress, instead of just going from zero to batshit insane.

 

okay, wow, did not see that ppl responded to this. i went six days w/out any kind of hallucination so i was like 'lol okay maybe that's done' because i am the dumbest shit to ever shit dumbly. texted a friend like 'lol i hear people screaming in the distance' because i thought that i'd get a response along the lines of 'okay don't die,' flipped her and the rest of my friends out. she came running from the dorm to the pottery studio in the pitch goddamn black, in her pjs, with cramps. she was understandably pissed when she found out i was fine. (she did call me and i did try and impress upon her that i was fine beforehand, but.)

this marks the first time i've had a hallucination that i believed in fully. i am...unsure on how concerned i should be, but am guessing that the answer is 'significantly concerned'

8/



edit: i think i'm going to try and find the mental health services on campus tomorrow. guess i'll have to go to the office or w/e

 

i feel like this would backfire, sorry 8(

i'm just hoping that whatever batshittery's brewing in my bastard brain (alliteration!) can fucking hold off until these seven weeks are up and i'm back home in florida, where my psych and shrink are.

i know my shrink's confused by this cuz it's been progressing p slowly and staying p low level, and it fucking stopped for six days so i thought i was maybe done w/ it? but i'm obvi not. i refuse to lose time at this craft school just because my brain is fucking broken.