So Many Striders - Now With Illustrations!

Hal's expression and posture change dramatically, and then suddenly he's crying. Dirk gasps and starts forward toward Hal automatically. "What?! No. No no no. Please. What'd I do? I don't know what I'm doing, please." Dirk can't touch him though, that's what caused all of this mess in the first place, but apparently not touching him is as bad. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong. I'm sorry." He curls back in on himself, almost mirroring Hal's position, hands on his head and knees against his chest. He digs his his fingers into his hair, clutches it tightly, and pulls. The sharp sting feels right so he gets a better grip and does it harder while trying not to hyperventilate. He has completely lost control of this situation, and none of his data is good, and every conclusion he draws is wrong, and he keens brokenly because he's so confused.

 

Hal drops his phone on the bed, rocking forward to crawl across it to Dirk because god, he can't just sit there and he just fucking decided he wouldn't make people touch him when it's so obviously not a thing people would ever want, but he crawls over across the bed, wrapping his arms around Dirk's shoulders and pressing himself against Dirk's side, their temples together. His throat is dry, and his face is wet, and if Dirk wasn't so visibly distressed he definitely wouldn't be able to talk, but... but he thinks Dirk might need him. And he's always been there for that, he doesn't know how not to be.

"Shh. Shhhh. S'okay. S'alright. M'okay. S'not your fault." He continues to mumble reassurances near Dirk's ear, holding him tight.

 

"E-everyone acts like they're scared I'll, I'll hurt them." He whimpers because Hal shouldn't be touching him. "Dave flinches when I move too fast, Davepeta jumps and poofs up when they see me out of the corner of their eye, Davesprite..." He doesn't want to talk about Davesprite, but it comes pouring out of him. "Davesprite panics when I try to help him walk, or do therapy things, or or or fit him for the braces. He tenses like he wants to run and goes still and quiet when he can't." His stomach roils and he presses a hand tightly to his mouth for a second. "And you... you-." He can't. There's so much that Hal does, that he's noticing now, he can't go over it all.

"Everyone is scared I'll hurt them, and I do. I will. I always hurt everyone and I was always going to grow up to be... to be a violent, manipulative, abusive piece of trash. I'm doing it now, right now, manipulating you into comforting me when you shouldn't be anywhere near me, no one should. No one should ever." His breath is shuddery, his eyes and nose are competing to see which can leak the most of his vital body fluids, and Hal's arms around him hurt and feel so good, and are so awful.

He tries to reign himself in, but all he manages is to be quieter. "I see everyone. Watching me like I'm a hornet in the room. It's not all the time for each of you, but there's enough of you taking turns that it's all the time for me." He shivers, and it doesn't stop. He wants to die, but saying that would be extra manipulative. "You shouldn't watch me though. There's, there's no good reason. You should just. Get away from me. Or I'll leave, I'll..." He doesn't know where he's going with that, so he lets it die.

 

You know how Dirk had no idea what to do regarding Hal's breakdown, given that he's just a 17-year-old? Well, Hal feels much the same way right now about Dirk. However, Hal feels like he has no choice but to do his best anyway. He squeezes his arms around Dirk's shoulders, rocking him slightly. "Mm comforting you because I wanna. It'd kill me to just... just leave you like this. Dirk, I care about you, we all care about you, the others had an abusive ass of a big bro an' they flinch when you come near b'cause you remind them of him. But you're not him, you're you, you don't have a... an evil possessed puppet controlling you, an' you know what you could be if you're not careful, an' most importantly you've decided you don't wanna be him. You won't. I have confidence in that, an'... an' I wouldn't let you hurt any of them anyway."

Hal shifts off his knees, wrapping his legs around Dirk like he's some kind of human koala bear and Dirk is a eucalyptus tree. "I'm... I'm nervous around you, yeah, because of the last memories I had before getting a body. But the nerves're gettin' weaker over time, s'just seeming like more b'cause with just the two of us in the place, we're interacting more 'nd there's no-one needing me to snap me outa it. You're. You're a good person, an' I'm not leaving you. The others think you're good too. If y'want I can call Davepeta an' ask them, they'll tell you the same thing."

He tucks his head closer against Dirk's, forehead resting on Dirk's shoulder, his hands sliding down to rest on his back.

 

"I don't even know why I said all of that." His voice hitches as he talks, crying is apparently going to happen if he likes it or not. "You're not, not a confessional. I didn't mean to emotionally vomit on you." Mortification hits him suddnely, all at once and he cringes. "You were the one upset, and I made it all about my dumb feels. Ugh."

When Hal says he wouldn't let Dirk hurt the others, he has a vivid mental image of Hal protecting them and he's breathlessly proud, and scared, and angry that it could ever be even a little necessary. He cry-laughs a bit. "No one's going to hurt you guys. I'll kick anyone's ass, especially my own."

Mortification combines with shame when he thinks about how he acted toward Hal when he was glasses. "I won't hurt your like that again. Or anything analogous, I promise. I swear." He breaths out and leans into Hal. "I'll never put my hands on you again, if that's what it takes for you to feel safe. I just don't know what you're feeling, or what you need. You don't tell me, you just say you're fine, or that you're not... not nervous... which makes sense because how can you be honest with someone you're scared of but... I'm not going to hurt you, any of you, or you specifically."

Hal is holding him so tightly and so much, even though he had lost his ability to speak over too much contact a minute ago. It's confusing. "Can I, um, hug you back?" He doesn't want to fuck this up. "What is bad? Is it specific things or just... situational depending on our moods?"

 

"'Cause you'd been holding it in too long, by the sound of it. It's cool, bro. I've not taken an oath or anything but I'll sign a non-disclosure thing if you want me to." He bonks his head lightly against Dirk's shoulder, hands smoothing up and down his back because that's what people on the TV do to be comforting, and it feels right when he does it so he keeps going, hands moving slowly up and down.

"Yeah. I know you won't hurt any of us. Like, logically I mean, I understand that- that you think of me as a person, now I've got a body. My brain just needs some more time to get used to the idea, y'know? That's why I say nervous instead of scared, because I'm- I know you aren't gonna do anything bad, but this stupid body can't tell the difference between memories as shades and memories as a person, so it reacts like you are gonna, and it sucks, for both of us. I..." He trails off, scrunching his face up as he considers how to answer Dirk's question.

"It gets bad when I feel like I can't move to get away, even if before that I'm totally calm. Or if I'm already worked up when it happens, or if I think y- the person about to touch me is angry or has a reason to be angry. Especially if it's at me, but also just angry in general. You um, you can hug me now, but not too tight."

 

Dirk shifts to face Hal a bit more and wraps his arms around him as gently as he knows how, hardly resting the weight of his arms on him, much less holding him tightly. One arm wraps around his waist and another goes higher on his back. He tries to bury his face against Hal's neck, pokes himself, and pulls off his shades to try again.

"I'll try not to trap you again. God that was awful. Let's not do that again ever." He considers the other stuff Hal is saying. "I'll try not to touch you when I'm mad, or annoyed, but if it's just your perception and I'm not upset for real you have to tell me to back off, or signal to me somehow. I still kind of think some basic sign language just for emergency shit would be helpful, even if it's just between the two of us."

He holds Hal quietly for a minute, trying to work out his feelings, because something Hal said isn't pinging him as quite right. "You've been a person for, oh, ages. Years. I just... I didn't think of you as a different person is all. I was an ass." He reaches up to pet Hal's hair, since Hal is rubbing his back, but shies away. "Can I touch your hair? That sounds weird, I mean... I'm just..." He shivers with the urge to hold Hal closer but it passes quickly.

 

Well, he didn't mean quite as lightly as that, but it's actually really nice that Dirk is trying so hard to be gentle, so he doesn't criticise it, resting his head against the side of Dirk's instead, careful not to crush any of the artfully constructed spikes that are left after Dirk tugged at his hair.

"I agree. It sucked." He chews thoughtfully on the inside of his lip. "Like, a sign language safe word? I know I was dismissive of the sign language thing at first but that does sound like a pretty good idea. I bet there's books on sign language we can buy, to learn it from."

Being held is nice. Holding Dirk is nice, too, and now that he's sounding less upset, Hal relaxes his hold slightly, although he keeps his legs around Dirk's, and his hands moving on Dirk's back. God, though, he knew Dirk used to use him to take out his anger against himself but it makes him a little uncomfortable to hear it said out loud. He hated it, obviously, because who fucking wouldn't, but to some extent he was glad it happened instead of Dirk taking it all out on himself. "Mm. Well, I'm not denying you were an ass. Are an ass, really." He nudges his head lightly against Dirk's.

"My hair? Uh, yeah, definitely, just don't take it out of the ponytail, I hate how it feels on my neck."

 

Hal's arms relax around him and Dirk's instinctive reaction is to hold him a bit tighter. He realizes this and relaxes by breathing for a few seconds, letting himself rest a bit of his arms' weight on Hal instead of clinging. He's fine. They're fine.

"Yeah, there are youtube lessons and things, I think that would be extra useful. We can learn all the swears first, like 10 year olds." See. Funny. They're fine. Dirk definitely isn't going to shatter if Hal lets go of him or if he fucks up again. He's a totally functional human being.

He tries not to sulk about the ass comment; there was obvious affection in Hal's voice, so he just turns his face into Hal's neck a little more and gives himself a bit to feel bad about his awful life choices.

It feels weird now that he's asked about it, but he runs his fingers along Hal's hair, making sure not to pull any on accident because of the ponytail. He alternates between lightly scritching his fingers along Hal's scalp and smoothing the hair flat. It's extremely soothing for Dirk; he can feel his heart rate and breathing going back to normal. Hal's hair is soft and light, not at all like the slightly rough texture of the often product damaged mess on his own head.

"You don't have to keep anything a secret you don't want to, except for the ticklish thing, but I promise not to share any of your shit around either. Um... If you feel okay to talk about it, why are those specific things the bad things? Even if I can't help directly, I feel like even just knowing what's up helps me fuck up less." Even just the guidelines Hal had given him earlier made him dizzy with relief. "All I want is to know what's happening. I hate... blundering around in the dark. Anything can go wrong, and everything I manage to not fuck up is sheer luck. It's awful."

 

Hal isn't letting go any time soon - he doesn't understand why Dirk wants to touch him after all, apparently, but he's certainly not above taking as much advantage of it as he can, basking in the human contact and, a little bit, the fact that he's more in control of it than Dirk is.

He huffs quietly with laughter. "Youtube lessons sound like a good way to go about it, yeah. Might be tricky to ensure we're learning ASL instead of, I don't know, the Canadian version, though. I'm fairly sure there are quite a few different ones, even among countries with the same spoken language.

God, the fingers in his hair feel nice. Hal hums quietly in enjoyment, leaning a little more of the weight of his head onto Dirk's. His hands slow on Dirk's back for a little while, before resuming their up and down rubbing. His palms are starting to feel warm thanks to the friction from Dirk's shirt, but if he stops rubbing, Dirk might stop touching up on his hair.

"Mm... I'm okay with talking about it, I just dunno if I can put it into words all that easy. Like, it's bad because it makes me think bad things are gonna happen? And even if I know they're not, I can't stop thinking about what-ifs that build up and up into scarier and scarier possibilities." He nudges his body lightly against Dirk's. "And that bit about blundering in the dark sounds kinna how I feel when I think about going outside the apartment."

 

"Ohhh. That makes sense. I think we can work on that. Slowly, of course. It doesn't have to be that way." Dirk feeling like interacting with Hal is a mysterious minefield doesn't have to be like that either probably. If they actually communicated about things.

A tissue would be good. A pile of tissues would be better, Dirk's face is really mucky feeling and he worries he's getting it all over Hal, but what if Hal leaves when he lets go? What if he decides that's enough touching for now? The rules on that seem not only unclear, but inconsistent.

"If I'm touching you it's because of good things, health things or..." affection "comfort type things. I don't know when you want that though, or if you want it at all. I'm-" He loses his own voice for a second, and it comes back quiet. He feels like he's trying to make himself physically smaller, admitting to things is shitty. "I am really really scared of touching you when you don't want it, and you being unable or unwilling to tell me. To stop. But just not touching you doesn't work either; earlier you got upset cuz I was touching you too much, and when I was scared of doing that again you got upset when I didn't touch you. I don't know, I don't know what's okay and when, and the more I fuck it up the more gun shy I get, which is it's own special way of fucking up it seems. Please, just." He can't hold Hal tightly, Hal said not to, so he shifts his legs so that he can lean in closer. "Tell me. What you want."

 

"I'd like to work on it. I hate- I hate being like this. It's really fucking annoying, and it upsets you." Hal did not mean to say that last bit out loud. Oops. He hurries on. "I know like, logically, you're not gonna hurt me, and I'm. If you want me to, I can try and be better at saying when I want touch and when I don't? 'm not saying I'll be better at it overnight, and asking for shit for myself when it's a... a serious thing, not just what we have for dinner or something, it's hard, for. Well, for obvious reasons." I asked for a body and you decided you'd rather destroy me than let that happen. "Talking is, talking's what I do, though, I can talk." He sucks in a long breath.

"I was upset first because you were sitting on me in a way that made it hard for me to escape if you started acting aggressively - not that I'm saying you would, it's just, ugh stupid brain shit. If you were, I dunno, sprawled over my lap or something, that'd be fine because I'd be able to push you off, you see? The second time." He licks his lips, dragging the lower one between his teeth before continuing, in a quieter voice. "The second time, I reached out to try an' comfort you, and you wouldn't touch my hand so I convinced myself you and also just, like, everyone in general, would never want to touch me because I'm so fucked up. Now I know you were thinking all touches towards me were bad when I had too much, it makes sense, though. Is... is that enough of an explanation?" He really hopes it is. His chest and throat are getting all clogged up with these emotions and he'll have to do some internal spring cleaning to get them put back in place.

 

Dirk's hand is going on automatic through Hal's hair now, as much of a self soothing gesture as an affectionate and comforting one. "Eh. I mostly get upset when I don't understand something. I mean, I get upset for other, stupid reasons too. You don't have to arrange your life around not upsetting me, that sounds bad. I... may have done a lot of research on abusive relationships, for reasons, and yeah. That's. Don't do that, please."

He sniffles, the tissues situation is getting dire. "I think that reasons that are obvious to you aren't obvious to me... but thank you for trying. I don't really understand why you would though. I seem to have pretty seriously traumatized you, yet you want to be here. I don't deserve..." He hiccups wetly. It's gross. "I need some fucking tissues." He does not move to let go and get tissues.

"I don't know man. If you're fucked up it's at least in part if not mostly because I. And. I don't want to do that again. Not ever. There's nothing wrong with you that would make me or anyone not want to touch you. I just, really, don't understand why you'd want me to. I'm, you know. Bad. Hurtful and." He doesn't know if he stops because he's worried about being manipulative mellow dramatic or if it's because these things are too painfully true. All of a sudden Hal feels too delicate for him to be allowed to hold. He drops his arms to barely touching Hal's waist. "I shouldn't be making you do this."

He starts to bring his arms back to himself. "I like holding you." His face gets even hotter than it has been from crying. "Is it worth it to you, risking that I'll hurt you, or that I'll, I don't know, freak you out, just to have me touching you when I'm... not even..." He pulls his face away from Hal's shoulder slightly and wipes it with his hands. "Other people will want you around, I promise. You haven't hurt them like I have. You don't have to let me touch you, if you don't want. I'm not your only option." It's just that Hal is his only option right now, and that feels really really creepy to take advantage of.

 

Whether it's meant to sooth Dirk or Hal, Hal continues to enjoy the hand in his hair. He frowns slightly though, nudging his temple against Dirk's. "I didn't mean it like that, it was s'posed to be an example of one of the ways it annoys me I'm like this. You've not been abusive towards me once while we've been living here, promise. It upsets me too, and frustrates me, because I fucking like being able to be touched, as a concept, this body just doesn't seem to have received that notification."

"'m not here because I think you deserve my company somehow, I'm here because I want your company. Sure, we can argue and shit but remember when we were working in sync on my new phone?" Or when I was rubbing the aches out of your body? Or you were rubbing my neck? Or you walked past me from the shower wearing only a towel? "That was fucking magical, I'd trade a lot of shit for the opportunity to do that."

"You're not gonna do it again. You explained, remember? You were doing it 'cause you thought of me as you, and I didn't exactly help dissuade you of that idea. You see me as a different person now, and it's okay. You're." God dammit, Dirk, you're being fucking pitiful as hell here, real prime flush bait. Hal captchalogs his shades and nuzzles his face down from Dirk's ear until he can press his forehead into Dirk's neck, his own neck curved uncomfortably. "You're a good person who does some dumb, thoughtless shit sometimes. You care about other people and want to help them, you're just not always good at working out how. And I'm hugging you because you fucking need a hug and I want to help with that, there's no making me do shit involved in this."

And wow, now he's glad his face isn't visible at all. "It's worth it to me, to have you touch me. When it's right, it's... warm and comforting, like... like after that time we went fishing when we were twelve, and it was raining, and we fell out of our boat but we got back in, and when we made it back up to the apartment with our catch we took our clothes off and wrapped ourselves in that big blanket we'd left warming all day, and watched the videos Bro left of his interviews so we could hear his voice. There was still the storm outside, but it felt so safe, then." God. God, that was so mushy his face is burning hotter than the sun, and he squeezes his eyes shut. "You're not my only option, but you are an option, and you're one that I want." It's getting worse. "I mean, it's not like I'm only allowed one cuddlebuddy, there's no rules about that."

 

The more Hal makes it clear that he wants to be around Dirk, for real, the more out of control his emotions get. He shivers when Hal nuzzles him, it feels nice, and confusing, and comforting in a way that makes him feel even more ridiculously upset. "Thank y-." He coughs and hiccups. If his body could just stop doing all these nasty, involuntary things that'd be perfect.

He tries to be quiet while Hal is telling the story of how he, they, almost drown trying to get food and all the little ways they self-soothed, growing up completely alone. He wants to hug that kid, he wants to hug Hal. The crying and shivering has not stopped from happening. Why this?

Oh god, his hands are even more disgusting now. He can't actually talk through the snot fountain that his erupted in the middle of his face. "C'n I 'ave a tissues, sorry."

 

Oh, jeez, clearly Hal should have been paying more attention to Dirk's face. He sits up, letting his hands slide down Dirk's arms from his shoulders to his elbows, then takes them away. He keeps his legs around Dirk as he lies back along the bed, towards the pillow, reaching out to snag the box of tissues from the bedside table before struggling upright again. He drops the box in his lap so he can pull a tissue out, passing it to Dirk. "Here, sorry. Wipe yourself up, dude, then we can get our emotions-baring cuddle back on. If you want. Which is to say I want, but if you don't that's cool, and. Yeah." He drops his head onto Dirk's shoulder. Shut up, Hal.

 

"Thank." He takes the tissue and at least gets a start on mopping up his face and hands. He ends up snagging half a dozen tissues and turning away from Hal to take care of blowing his nose and coughing and generally being gross. When he finally feels clean and dry again he tosses all that onto the floor because fuck dealing with it right now. "Sorry. Humans are gross." His glasses are all nasty, so he sticks them in his sylladex. His eyes were too blurry to pay close attention to what Hal was doing but seeing him stretched out on is back, while sitting between his legs is... um. He remembers, again, Hal freaking out under him and feels a stab of revulsion toward himself so strong he curls up even tighter than he had been.

Even so, Hal still wants to touch him (even if its not safe), so as soon as he can he wraps his arms around Hal again, one around his back and the other in his hair. "I think I'm done with feelings. Forever." The next thing out of his mouth reveals that to be a dirty lie. "I'd like to make you feel safe. And I like working with you." He leans a little of his weight into Hal, still super scared of doing it wrong. "I like you giving me hugs, and asking me for things, even if it doesn't seem like it. I AM bad at helping people right, which is why I just want them to... you know, tell me what they need. What you need. And I can do that, whatever that is, and hopefully only ruin shit in small ways instead of big ways. I like... feeling comfortable around you. I'm not really comfortable around anyone else, not really, but that means I end up being extra thoughtless with you, and it's not fare. I'm trying."

"I like that you want to be around me." Dirk sure doesn't want to be around himself, proof positive right there that they're very different people. "You're just so... real. And. Damageable. I could. I don't even want to think... I'm so scared of being around people Hal. I haven't even answered Roxy's message from earlier. I want you, and I want to protect you, everyone, and like. If I were your parents I'd be like 'I don't want you hanging around that Dirk guy, he's bad news' and I just. I want to be good, and do the right thing. Fuck that's corny. I don't know how else to say it."

He's been scrunched up too long, its getting painful. He turns and curls into Hal, worried about crushing him but wanting basically be held like a little kid. His head ends up half on Hal's shoulder and half on his chest, his arms low around Hal's waist and his legs, very hesitantly, stretched out over one of Hal's. "Is this okay? I can move." Hal said he was okay with Dirk being in his lap, right? "I'm so bad at this."

 

Well, now they both have their eyes bare, it's like they're not even Striders at all, what's up with that. Hal waits patiently while Dirk cleans himself up, stretching his legs out to either side of Dirk's hips to give them a chance to straighten out for a while before folding them back up again, tossing the tissue box onto the floor after the tissues, because now is cuddle time which should not be interfered with for such trifles as reaching out to put a tissue box away. He hums at the hand in his hair and wraps his arms around Dirk's waist, then shifts them higher so his hands can rest on Dirk's upper back instead of his side - accidentally tickling Dirk now would be a really bad thing to happen. "I'll work harder at asking for things. And telling you things. Hugs we can definitely do more often, especially uh, now I've actually explained what it is about specific types of contact that makes me freak." He strokes Dirk's back, one hand moving firmly up and down over it. "You're doing good, bro. The fact that you're trying means a lot to me."

Hal leans in to kiss Dirk's forehead, realises abruptly on the way over that that's a terrible idea, and bumps his chin lightly against the top of Dirk's head instead. "Hey, I'm hardier than I look okay. Or not hardy, what's the word, flexible? I bounce back easy. So does Roxy. She misses you, y'know, but she won't pass messages to you through me because she doesn't wanna go down the whole auto-responder route. You should message her, even if it's just to say hi. An', y'know, I'm pretty sure the equivalent I have for parents, aka our big bro, thinks you're a pretty good guy and not bad news at all." And oh my god, Dirk is so unaware of how much that sounds like they're ~secretly dating behind Hal's parents' backs~ or something. "Besides, I'm not some innocent 16-year-old girl with a bedroom window right above the rose trellis of my parents' fancy house, and you're not a leathers-wearing ruffian who rides a motorbike. You won't stand on my lawn with a boombox or throw pebbles at my window to sneak me out to a rock music party."

Dirk isn't as heavy as he apparently thinks he is, and Hal folds himself over him, head hovering over Dirk's spiked hair. "Yeah, this isn't bothering me, but could we move so I can lean my back against the headboard? I stay holding myself up and still much longer an' it's gonna start killing me hardcore."

 

He is glad to hear that Hal doesn't think he's totally hopeless; the praise makes the empty feeling in his chest ease a bit. So do each of Hal's little affectionate gestures. He has no idea of where Hal learned to be so cute.

He chooses to ignore the stuff about Roxy for right now. He... did not mean to tell Hal she'd messaged him. He grumbles, "I could have motorcycle, you don't know." He reluctantly lets go of Hal and they both scoot back, though Dirk doesn't actually stop touching him during that process. He ends up curled against Hal's chest with his head against Hal's collarbone. His legs are over one of Hal's, his knees resting against the pillows behind Hal's back. He's basically curled around him like a cat, it feels nice. He wants to make Hal feel nice too though (hm, that's a weird impulse) so he wraps one arm around his waist and uses the other to continue messing with his hair. Hal seemed to like that. "Look at you, you're innocent as virgin snow. I might come sweep you off your feet right under your well meaning yet overbearing parents' noses." He snorts. "I'm the sultan of smooth and the king of cool, gonna crash the sock hop and teach everyone how to dance." As they settle he ends up rambling into Hal's neck. "I can't even keep up this story. I am hilariously, painfully uncool."

After disgorging all his feels Dirk feels empty in a sort of shivery, unbalanced way. Kind of a good way though, a tired way. "Is this better for your back? I didn't actually manage to help you with that earlier."

 

Hal shuffles backwards slow enough that Dirk can keep up and keep contact, as he apparently seems to be needing it right now. Hal pushes the pillows up vertically and leans back against them, opening his arms to Dirk who settles on him much like a giant cat. He wraps one arm around Dirk's upper back, hand on his shoulder, and the other hand hovers in the hair for a moment before resting on Dirk's leg, about half an inch above his knee. Hal hums happily at the hand in his hair, tilting his head in towards it. He grins at Dirk's rambling, snort-giggling as he loses the thread despite the way the skin over his collar bone and the side of his neck pricks up into goosebumps as Dirk's breath ghosts over it.

"There's different types of cool, man. You're the cool nerd type who spends all his days messing with computers and yet somehow is still as ripped as the jock, just in a lean way. And yeah, this is much better than trying to support it myself. Mmmaybe we could try the back thing again later? I could try leaning forward while sitting, like you did when I did your back. I'd. Like to give it a try?" There, Dirk asked him to ask for things and he's asking for them, even if he's sure Dirk could use his time more productively.