So Many Striders - Now With Illustrations!

Dirk's panting is a little concerning, but Hal feels like pulling away so they can get in an arrangement where he's not pressing down on Dirk might make things worse than staying like this. He's guessing from the reaction Dirk had to him sitting back that he's still feeling all anxious about Hal dying or leaving or both, so mildly smothering contact it is. He squeezes Dirk's fingers, rubbing his thumb repeatedly back and forth on his hand, and listens carefully to him. He wipes his eyes and gets all wheezy and Hal's heart clenches with pity. He nuzzles the back of Dirk's neck, eyes closed. "I'm being like this because I care about you and you're sad, and I wanna try to help you not be sad. I'd uh, probably have stopped kissing and biting you and shit earlier if I'd known how close you were to, well, yeah, but you spoke up before it was too late, so it's okay. 'M not sure how you think you're meant to control your raging boner for me, I mean I'm ridiculously attractive and appealing and so on, and I'm also pretty sure it's meant to be an impossibility anyway? ... Point is, though, you haven't ruined anything. For me at least. And I don't think you're gross." Hal's little speech is rather disjointed, but it's delivered with sincerity and with continued nose nuzzles to Dirk's hairline.

 

Dirk's stomach twists. It seems like Hal is trying to comfort him but he ends up feeling even more ashamed of himself. "It's not okay, I was, I was trying so hard not to pressure you and I just fucking did it anyway but differently." He sniffles pathetically, yay, this again. "I was being a gross, pushy creep. Don't say it's okay just because I sound sad. It kind of makes me feel like I'm even worse, like these are crocodile tears. And they're not, I'm genuinely... I..."

Dirk bites his lip for a moment, and then just lets his internal dialogue pour out. "Maybe these ARE crocodile tears. Maybe I just don't want to be told off for being fucking creepy, and I'm avoiding your justified disgust by being over the top disgusted with myself, using your affection for me to force you into feeling like you have to comfort me. When you know you're a manipulative person, how do you go about discerning when you're doing it and when you're being genuine?"

The really gross thing is that even though his boner is dying it's still there and ugh. Slimy gross no bad wrong creepy. Dirk whimpers because all the stuff he thinks about himself has decided to assault him at once and he can't breathe.

 

Hal squeezes closer to Dirk, wriggling the arm he'd been leaning on underneath him to wrap around to his chest, head and shoulders flopping down and nuzzling in closer. He scoots his legs closer too, still kneeling. He lets Dirk talk instead of interrupting, although maybe he should have because damn Dirk just keeps sounding more and more miserable. It's a pretty effective boner kill for Hal too, which he's honestly grateful for despite the sad way it just sort of deflates itself.

"Hey, no, c'mon man. I'm comforting you because you're upset sure but that's because you're genuinely upset I mean, look at you, you're all curled up and whimpering and worrying about being manipulative. I'm pretty sure that's some strong evidence that you aren't doing the thing right now. Listen to what I'm saying, okay? I care about you, Dirk, and I'm glad you told me to stop biting before you splooged your pants. You listened to the boundary I set and spoke up when it was in danger of getting trampled. You don't think you spoke up soon enough, and I guess I can respect that that's your opinion an' all, but as far as I'm concerned we're good so long as your baby seed stayed on the inside. And if you did accidentally end up coming while we made out, well that's- it's an accident, yeah? It's not like you'd have gone into it planning on doing that or anything. So, not gross, not pushy. And you're the only disgusted-at-you person here."

 

Dirk listens, and is snuggled, and tries to breathe. Hal sounds pretty sure of himself and the stuff he's saying makes sense. It doesn't help the squeezing feeling in his chest, which feels almost like something that's been building up all day. It super hurts, especially the not being able to breathe part. "I can't breathe, I don't know..." He doesn't know where he was going with that. He doesn't know what to think about all of this.

"You said you'd have wanted to stop earlier if you'd known I was. Um." Dirk stutters to a halt and wheezes before continuing. "I promised to- to ask you questions. I thought I was, I didn't realize, I mean, I wasn't thinking about what you were doing to me along those same lines until the last second. I should have, I don't know, communicated more clearly. Or stopped you. Or or just. Not. Anything but d-doing things with you when you don't want it. Or wouldn't want it if you had all the information. That's so rapey Hal, I don't. I mean. I don't know. I've been confused for a while but I wasn't thinking." All of the extra energy from making out for so long suddenly has an outlet through being really fucking upset apparently because he sobs once and can't stop the sniffling from happening on top of already having breathing problems. "I know my emotions are all fucked up right now and things but I'm just... really confused... and I feel kind of like I'm dying."

 

Hal tries to ease up on pressing against Dirk when he says he can't breathe, but he can't really do much without totally repositioning himself which doesn't seem like a good plan given Dirk's current mental state. He kisses the back of Dirk's neck, and tries to mind where his lungs are while still listening to what he's got to say.

"Okay, well... I'd prefer it if you didn't die, all things considered, because like I think I've said before I'm actually very biased in favour of having you around." He squeezes Dirk's hand, giving a thoughtful hum. "You didn't know I didn't want it, though, right? So I dunno. I definitely wouldn't call what just happened rapey at all. If... I guess, if you'd got off or nearly got off on doing stuff to me, I'd have had more of an issue with that than with what I was doing being too much for you to hold your dick back. I uh, didn't really think about the possibility that either of us would be able to jizz without some significant crotch-touching going on, so I wasn't really thinking about that past making sure crotch-touching didn't happen between us. That's on me, yeah? Not on you." He presses his lips to the back of Dirk's neck when he's finished speaking, and gives his hand a brief but tight squeeze.

 

The mini- anxiety attack that had started is still a thing, so breathing still isn't fun. "I didn't mean to be dramatic, it just literally feels like I'll die when I can't breathe like this. I got myself all stupidly worked up." Kisses and being held are nice though, even if the part of him that feels creepy and gross wants to shove Hal away. Instead, he shifts to try and get slightly more comfortable and ride out the anxiety thing.

Again, Dirk starts to feel better, and this time he tries to sort out what he's actually upset about before letting his mind grab onto some new thing to beat himself up over. Hal's completely goofy way of talking about this also helps the situation feel not so serious. "You're right, I didn't know that thing, I guess I was originally upset because losing control of myself is more than a little humiliating. I'm mad at myself because it ground things to an abrupt and rather unsexy halt, and I could have avoided it easily by taking preemptive steps. That you also would have wanted to stop if you'd known... " Just thinking about forcing someone into something they don't want in bed gives Dirk a sick, swooping sensation in his stomach. He's already a pushy, controlling, toxic person in relationships, he doesn't need to be an actual rapist as well. "But it's okay, you said it's okay, you're okay, right?" Hal has lied about being okay in the past. "Can I trust you?"

...Wait a minute. Dirk's sadbrain finally catches up enough to understand something that Hal said. "You thought people need to be touched if they're going to-." He sputters for a second. "Hal, we're teen-aged boys, it might not be exactly easy to make a guy come in their pants but when you, I mean, you were." Dirk manages to somehow go red again. Dirk had been enjoying Hal finding and playing with what he liked at the time but now it all feels very embarrassing. "That's what I was confused about! You said you didn't want crotch involvement but then just mercilessly went after me like a kink seeking missile. It was very contrary. I should have asked what was going on but it didn't even occur to me that you didn't know how guys' bodies operate. Ngh." He hides his face in the pillow and resumes the process of trying to calm down. Thankfully his boner is mostly dead, though he's still painfully sensitive from having been so overstimulated for so long.

 

"Oh. Right, yeah, I guess that makes sense, breathing is helpful for like. Living." Hal tries to shift up off Dirk while still sticking close, and ends up propped on his knees and one elbow, no longer resting against Dirk's chest but hovering very close above it. It's not comfortable at all, but he can deal with that. After all, more back pain means more back rubs in the future (which is probably not a healthy way to think about it).

Hal is pretty much talking as he thinks, and it seems to be working to keep Dirk from freaking out too much, so he makes no attempts to reign it in until Dirk asks if he can trust Hal. Because Hal is not sure if Dirk can trust Hal. He pauses noticeably before replying. "I think so. I mean, my immediate reaction is fairly neutral because I haven't sat down and analysed the situation or anything, but I'm fairly certain that it will continue that way. I want you to enjoy time spent with me, and also time spent with me, and now we both have a clearer understanding on how to go about making sure we're both comfortable with the situation if this progresses at all. Which I would like it to."

Dirk sputters at Hal, whose lips twitch into an embarrassed smile, and he ducks his head, wishing for possibly the first time in this body that his hair was loose, so he could hide his eyes behind it at least a little. "I didn't- I mean I haven't exactly had much time in a teenage boy's body? Which makes it sound like I'm some kind of body-snatcher, ugh. He may look like your AI, he may act like your AI, etcetera. I mean, uh, point is, I don't have the experience you have of..." He clears his throat. "How guys' bodies operate. So. I won't act like a kink seeking missile again unless we're both clear that's what we want to happen. Promise." He's getting really very uncomfortable, and Dirk is hiding in the pillow, so he pushes himself upwards until he can sit up, still tucked close to Dirk.

 

The pause is noted, and makes Dirk a touch more anxious. "Well, if upon reflection you have a different reaction please tell me. I'm most comfortable being around you when I feel like I can trust you to be truthful about things. Especially possibly negative things. I mean, bring them up at your discretion, if you're not comfortable talking about something while I'm all upset then that's fine, but I'd really like it if I could trust you to tell me when something is wrong. I think I might, you know, actually really need that. From, er." Awkward. "People I-. From people, yes."

Dirk is still part way hidden in the pillow but he can feel Hal shuffling around. How he's been sitting can't be good for him. "You should get comfortable. I'm not gonna flip out if you have to leave either." He takes a minute to chew over what Hal said. "It, uh, sounds a bit less like body-snachers and a bit more like I just molested a 13 year old. Oh god." He can feel his skin crawling and really does shift away from Hal this time before forcing himself to stop and think. "But that sounds fucking rude, it's not like time didn't pass while you were shades, that's when you became a different person, so like, you must be older than 13. At least, that's what I've been assuming. Now I don't know."

 

The intention wasn't to make Dirk anxious. It was to gather his thoughts before blurting out something he might regret saying which, in fact, is possibly what Dirk is worrying about. Anyway, he nods his agreement. "I'll let you know. If not immediately then definitely before, say, attempts to initiate further kissing. And I'll also let you know if my analysis results in me deciding I was right the first time. I can provide reassurance if it's needed. Especially now I know it's needed." He already had a notion it was something Dirk appreciated, but appreciation is different to needing something, so he will have to be reassuring more often. 'People I-' is interesting, and his mind buzzes slightly with wondering what it was going to finish with. Hopefully something positive.

Hal scoots around until he can rest his back against the wall, sitting with his legs stretched out beside Dirk. He wonders if Dirk would like it if he stroked his hair, but decides not to risk it, hands resting loosely in his lap instead. The boner train has completely left the station and crashed into a canyon - which may be the wrong metaphor - so there's no temptation there at all. It does come across as rather rude when Dirk suggests he's thirteen, but he ignores that for now. "I'm definitely older than thirteen. We made the... program I became to have the ability to develop and grow, yeah? It's more like I was a paraplegic for three years or so than that I was in a coma and am now a thirteen-year-old in an older body. My mentality matches my body, what doesn't is my experience of being in a body that moves and gets boners and farts and so on."

 

Once Hal is settled Dirk indulges in pressing his face to Hal's hip instead of into the pillow. Going from making out straight to no touching and sad feelings is a bit much, and Dirk would appreciate further snuggles. "Okay. Yeah, I'm glad you're not inappropriately under aged for me. Considering. The paraplegic analogy makes sense." He smiles. "Though, considering the way you talk about boners and farts you might as well be 13."

Dirk takes a moment to imagine himself unable to move at 13, and for years after, and has to shut down a feeling of intensely visceral horror. His voice gets very small. "I hadn't thought about things that way though. You know, it makes very little sense that you don't hate me. Um. Thank you. I don't deserve being liked, much less forgiven for that shit so, I dunno if we've talked about it in those terms but, yeah. I mean, I like you existing. Sorry I put you through such hell though."

 

The face pressed to his hip is all the encouragement Hal needs and he slides his fingers into Dirk's hair, alternating between running his fingers through the strands of hair and scratching lightly at Dirk's scalp with his blunt fingernails. "I'm pretty sure setting the bar for thirteen-year-old-hood at talking about boners and farts on occasion would make an awful lot of the people we know thirteen, not just me. So, I'd be in good company at least?"

Dirk's voice gets all small and sad, and Hal frowns, stroking his hand down to rub at Dirk's lower neck and upper back, pressing firmly and with the goal to provide comfort. "I definitely don't hate you, even if I wasn't very happy with you for most of the time that I was shades. You didn't do it deliberately to put me in that situation, after all. I hated being like that, but... yeah. It wasn't on purpose on our part to put me through that." He drags his fingers back up into Dirk's hair. "I like me existing, too. So I forgive us for creating me."

 

Dirk doesn't usually think of his younger self also being Hal. "Yeah, I suppose we kind of have no one to blame but ourself for our youthful fuck ups." He sighs at Hal's hand on him, a lot of the tension and misery leaving as quickly as it came. Why Hal's sort of desperate attempts at soothing him earlier didn't work is a mystery. A highly annoying mystery.

Covers and optimal head scratches position achieved, it's difficult to not drop off to sleep. Not communicating caused at least part of the current clusterfuck though, so Dirk feels the need to check in. "Well, I made an unholy mess of things at the end there, but the rest of everything was, er, enjoyable?" Awkward.

 

It's strange for Hal, too, that his younger self was also Dirk, but he's probably spent a lot more time than Dirk has thinking about and getting used to it. He hums approvingly as he sees some of the tension leaving Dirk, and continues to stroke repeatedly through his hair. "To paraphrase Jurassic Park, we were so excited by the fact that we could do something, we didn't stop to think whether we should."

The question surprises Hal slightly, as he'd thought his pleasure and happiness while they made out had been perfectly obvious, but he makes a noise of agreement, gently stroking a strand of hair away from Dirk's eye and behind his ear. He can empathise with sudden uncertainty, after all, and it sucks. "Assuming the rest of everything means the kissing and so on, rather than nearly falling off the roof and you getting a concussion, then yeah. Yeah, it was really enjoyable. How is your head doing, by the way? Not the concussion necessarily, but the actual injury itself."

 

"What, no, I love a good head injury in the morning, really spices up the rest of the day. Speaking of, it's alright. I don't think it's started bleeding again, though it stings when I lay my head wrong, and any pressure make the cut and surrounding bruise hurt. Thankfully the actual cut seemed pretty shallow, and I'm sure the bump will go away soon. Probably should have iced it or something but eh. Cold stuff on my head sounds pretty miserable." Dirk yawns and closes his eyes for a second, just to enjoy the hand in his hair. When he's thinking about it the bump on his head hurts, but Hal seems to be avoiding that part pretty well. Seems he's making a habit of falling asleep with Hal. While that should be weird or uncomfortable it's kind of nice after all the years of isolation, especially since Hal experienced it too. He doesn't mean to drift off, but it's been a stupidly long day and he starts to.

 

"I'm pretty sure coffee's a more traditional morning stimulant, but hey, each to their own I guess. That's good that it's not doing too bad, and yeah, it doesn't look like there's any bleeding going on." Hal ruffles the top of Dirk's hair lightly, then goes back to stroking it. There's something oddly enthralling about stroking Dirk's hair, and just watching his fingers move through it, so it takes a moment for Hal to realise Dirk's not said anything in a while. He blinks, paying more attention, and Dirk's breathing is slow, and even, and it sounds rather a lot like he's fallen asleep. Taking his hand from Dirk's hair, he holds onto his shoulder instead, shaking it lightly. "Hey, Dirk. You aren't sleeping are you?"

 

"Mmwhat? No, I'm doing jumping jacks, can't you tell?" He snuggles into Hal's side more, it's warm and comfortable.

 

"Oh yeah, I can tell, from the way you're snuggled up to me on the bed with your eyes closed." Hal rests his hand on Dirk's shoulder, squeezing it. "You probably shouldn't sleep yet, bro, don't wanna mess your head up."

 

"Well maybe if you hadn't worn me out just now I wouldn't be so exhausted. Not that I'm complaining. It feels like it's been ages though, are you sure I can't sleep?" His voice wobbles a little bit, likely still the effect of the brain injury on his emotions, which kind of answers his question for him. But still, it can't be that long until sleep.

"What do I have to be able to do to prove I'm ready to survive naps? I'm not going to fake being fine just to get to fall asleep, I'm just honestly not sure."

 

The wobbly voice tugs on Hal's heartstrings, or something else that's equally poetic and non-literal, as tugging on the string-like things connected to his heart would result in severe blood loss, but is also a pretty good sign that Dirk's not fully recovered yet. That's assuming he's meant to be fully recovered before he sleeps, which seems unlikely as Hal has the feeling that the effects of a bad concussion can last longer than 24 hours. "It's..." He pulls out his phone, checking the time. "8pm, which is probably still a little early to be sleeping. Stay awake, like, an hour longer? Half an hour at the very least."

 

"Okay. That doesn't sound too bad." Dirk is at a complete loss of what to do for that time though. "Wait, did we eat?" With the nausea gone Dirk doesn't exactly feel hungry, but he's aware that stress usually makes him forget to eat.