So Many Striders - Now With Illustrations!

Hal is very much not accustomed to all this attention being focussed on him. He's also not sure how he feels about it, which is another thing he's not accustomed to. Back in the shades, he could analyse all of his feelings to the extent that the analysis was more real to him than the feelings were. He shakes his head slightly. "Nah, just a bit stiff, I think. I sat in the same position for too long, and now my legs refuse to obey me."

Hal notices Dirk start to move away again and he has time to be both disappointed and relieved before Dirk moves closer and okay their shoulders are touching. He's okay with their shoulders touching. He's calmer now, and he was expecting it as Dirk moved so carefully and he originally positioned his shoulder so invitingly near Dirk's and everything. It's okay. He wants to lean against Dirk and curl up to him and that's not okay, that's a problem because it would be hella fucking embarrassing so he's very stubbornly not doing that. "I was thinking... something with an actual, physical keyboard first, rather than a touch screen - that'd increase my typing speed by a fair bit. Although ultimately I guess the fastest thing really would be a computer I can think at. Maybe Jane would let us take a look at her tiaratop? I'd look pretty damn good in a tiara."

 

Dirk smiles. "You mean you want, like, a flip or a slide phone? I suppose we can reverse engineer some ancient Earth tech, maybe dig up a fossilized Nokia for you. Legends say it'd probably still work." He leans into Hal a bit and considers the tiaratop idea. "Well, the tiaratop was a bit more invasive than the glasses, but a lot of the ways they worked were similar. If you didn't want a tiara, not judging if you do, there are a number of other things we could make it. A hat. A hair band. A DBZ style ear visor thing. The sky is the limit with weird head accessories we could try to computerize. Didn't Jade have computer shoes in the game?"

The knee pain thing is a worry. "I don't remember actually checking your new body for muscle tone and things like that when we arrived, but now that I think about it your body probably is at a sort of factory basic setting right now. You clearly are capable of walking and shit though, so you're starting advanced compared to most new humans. Hm." Dirk looks him over carefully. "We should figure out what the fuck, so that you don't end up messing up something and get chronic pain or something." So much to worry about.

 

For someone who's still pretty new at expressions, Hal manages to mix disgusted and insulted pretty well. "I'm not using old tech. Jesus, that's like if I got an open wound and you started stuffing it full of cobwebs and moss and birch bark." He shakes his head and snorts, although the sound is more like a laugh than a further expression of disgust. The leaning into is... noted, and he scoots his ass closer to the wall, sitting up straight against it so he's easier to lean against. "I'm going to be honest here, I'm genuinely torn between like, a sparkly pink tiara, and a DBZ scouter. I'd make a beautiful princess, but the number of jokes I could make with a scouter... there's got to be like 9001 there at least."

He huffs, pulling his crossed arms in closer to his chest. "I'm capable of checking myself for muscle tone and shit, and I'm fine. Like I said, I was just sitting with my knees up for too long, they got stiff. There's nothing there for you to worry about, I am a physically functioning splinter." He's not sure what bothers him more, the idea of Dirk looking him over like when he assesses Squarewave and Sawtooth for damage, which he's doing right now Hal can see it out of the corner of his eye, or having his body referred to as being at 'factory basic'. Basically, though, both of those things are bugging him.

 

"Ugh." Dirk bonks his head against the wall in mandatory disgust at the old meme. "Pink though? Really? Not red or black or something else from your scheme? Though, I suppose I'm the guy who wears the exact same thing every fucking day in the exact same three or four colors. You probably should expand your horizons."

Then Hal is... offended? Whoops. His ears go pink as he realizes how all that likely came off. "Fuck. I didn't mean to imply you were, like, incapable of doing all that yourself, or that I even needed to be involved in what you do with your own self, I'm just. Eurgh. Mush and feelings and shit. When I'm concerned I get all up in people's business. Inappropriately sometimes. You know. But it'd been working out with all our sprites and I just. Yeah. God I'm awkward." He slumps against the wall, defeated by his own incompetency. His body leans more into Hal accidentally this time, instinctually grateful for the warmth and support. "I always wanted to take care of everyone and didn't realize how badly I sucked at it, and it just keeps happening."

 

Hal's snickering laughter is equally as mandatory as Dirk's disgust at the fucking choice meme that's incapable of growing old. "Hey, I'm not saying I want to switch permanently to pink or anything, here, I can respect that's Roxy's colour. It's just that there are certain standards to be upheld when it comes to princess tiaras, and one of those is definitely that it has to be pink. I don't make these rules, I just respect them." He did make up the rule. But he really does want a sparkly pink tiara. And maybe a dress to go with it, although the dress at least would be ironic.

That... that's kind of sweet? In an awkward, overbearing, mildly smothering kind of way. Or sbrothering more accurately. No moms involved. Hal takes a silent moment to admire the fact that Dirk's saying he always wanted to take care of everyone to a dude he... almost killed? Actually killed? Who the fuck knows. Anyway it's cool, he gets it, he wasn't people then he was shades. He nudges Dirk gently with his elbow. He wants to rest his head against Dirk's, but if he fucked up the spikes in Dirk's hair he just might get killed all over again. "It's cool bro, I get that it comes from a place of uh, good intentions. Or comes with good intentions, or however you're meant to say that. It's cool knowing you care." Hal realises he actually does believe Dirk cares about him, now. Huh. He's not sure when he stopped thinking this was all just to keep Davepeta off Dirk's back, long may their claws be feared, and got actually convinced Dirk's sitting around on the floor with him out of genuine concern for his well being. Maybe around the time he freaked out about Hal's last memories before this body? Who knows.

 

"Of course I care about you dude, you're-" Huh. A person? But looking back he's clearly been a person for a while. It's weird but yeah, Dirk can't exactly identify when he started Caring about Hal, but it happened. It hits him with a flush of shame that he started caring about Hal when he started think of Hal as a different person. Back when AR was just a cloned, possibly evil copy of himself he didn't really give half a fuck. He shakes his head, and kind of half curls up again. "Intentions don't matter. It's... rude? No, it's fucking boundary violating and gross and Iiii should not be talking to you about this, we were talking about you. Anyway, thanks for not putting up with that bullshit from me. Everyone else just kind of... silently resents it I think." He runs his hand through his hair in frustration, fucking up the meticulously styled spikes. This isn't going how he wanted, but he supposes making an awkward ass of himself in front of Hal might make him less inclined to being intimidated by him.

It's frustrating though; shouldn't Hal know at least a good chunk of this? He spent a LONG time BEING Dirk after all.

 

Well, that abrupt cut off and change of subject isn't reassuring in the slightest. He's what? Family? A friend? Dirk himself? Dirk's creation? He sees Dirk curling up, and takes in the breath to ask why, but... no, ok, Dirk still wants to talk about Hal, ok, he can keep doing that that's doable. No problem. This is also what he says to Dirk. "No problem, bro. I mean, I have had some experience being that guy, ie you up to what several years ago now, so I've got some natural insight as to why you might be acting and or talking like that, shall we say. So, what about me did you want to talk about next? My inability to limit myself to current memes, or my tragic lack of a social life?" It's said not sarcastically, but as a joke. He doesn't like seeing Dirk frustrated and unhappy.

 

A startled snort escapes Dirk, half laugh and half disgust. "This is fucking incredible. We're like two amateur dentists trying to pull teeth from each other simultaneously. You keep trying to ask me things, I keep trying to ask you things... when did we turn into suck fucking nerds? Inefficient nerds even. Is it time for the awkward personal questions version of the Lightening Round? I feel like the dubious structure of Dave's nonsense game would at least keep us from sitting here in awkward silence, unless you are sick of me and want to go do your own thing. I think this is... kinna nice though. I'm only just realizing I don't really talk to people all that much anymore." That could have something to do with how he fucked up every single one of his relationships in the game, and then felt the need to fix every issue the splinters had all by himself.

"So yeah. If you want, what IS up with you and being around people? Then you can ask me a thing."

 

Hal is happy to have made Dirk laugh, until he starts to talk and he realises it wasn't entirely a happy sound. Damn this meatspace and its subtleties. Uncrossing his arms, he lets the hand closer to Dirk flop onto his own lap, and rubs the other one over the lower part of his face, sighing. Lightning Round is a thing he's played with Dave before, yeah, and he's seen Dave play it with others, and it's a thing that gets pretty awkward pretty damn fast, although that might just be a Dave thing. Then again, taking it in turns to ask personal questions is a situation that lends itself to awkwardness, and... he is stalling.

Letting his other hand flop down into his lap, Hal shrugs and slides a little way down the wall, feet sticking out further and shirt riding up slightly. "Lightning Round works. And for the record, we were always fucking nerds." That's still stalling, kind of, but he also doesn't want to think about Dirk what, expecting Hal to be sick of him? That's oddly distressing and he wants to avoid the thought more than the question, so Lightning Round it is. "I find it hard to predict what people are likely to think and do in response to my words and actions, and it makes me feel anxious and on edge. Why haven't you been talking to people much?" He's aware that that's basically copying Dirk's question, but he doesn't seem to recall anything banning that in the Lightning Round rules.

 

"Hm. I think that interacting with people more will help you to get better at predicting things, or at least get more comfortable with not having those predictions. Though I guess, for my next question, what do you think will happen if you predict wrongly or just don't have a prediction? Is it dire enough to be a deterrent to forming relationships?"

Dirk's eyes catch the sliver of skin barred by Hal's shirt and its really strange, seeing someone so like him yet without all the signs and scars of having lived his life. Sword and fishing accidents and weird game shit; it marked the passage of time in his skin and makes Hal seem weirdly young and ageless at the same time. That's... a strange train of thought, also, he's staring. He jerks his eyes to his own hands on his knees and considers the question Hal asked. "As to your question, I've been busy. Well, no. We're doing the honesty thing all up in this bitch. I made myself super busy so that I didn't have to interact with people. I fucked up in the game, with everyone, especially with Jake and I just... I wanted to avoid all that. And I could hang out with Dave pretty easily, and the splinters were all basically some versions of us plus weird trolls so it wasn't like I was fucking up with people who didn't already know I was. Yeah." He sighs. "Basically I'm a cowardly piece of shit, so I tried to make myself as usefully busy as possible."

 

Luckily for Dirk, Hal is staring forward while getting oggled, taking advantage of the moment of silence to think about how to answer Dirk. He tilts his head to watch Dirk while being answered, though, and damn the urge to cuddle up to him is back and with a vengeance. He silences it somewhat with an affectionately intended bonk of his head against Dirk's shoulder. Mild contact and concern displayed.

"It... isn't so much that there's something I think will happen, more the opposite really, it's the not knowing that's the issue. If I don't know how people are going to react to shit I do, I don't know what to do to get the desired outcome. It's easier with you than everyone else, but not as easy as it used to be. I used to be able to have a... like, a web of potential directions that conversations could go in, and I could see how to influence those directions towards my desired outcome. Now, I know that web is there, but I can't see it, and I'm used to having it to help me with everything. I dunno if that makes sense." He purses his lips, and huffs a sigh through his nose. "Why not try hanging out with Dave's set of friends - John, Rose, and Jade? It was just y- our friends you fucked up with, I thought?"

 

Dirk appreciates how affectionate Hal is being now, it's much better than flinchy and small. It's already extremely upsetting when a Dave does that, even if he understands. He frowns as Hal describes his preferred method of interacting with people, because that was his too and it didn't work out all that well, but then he stars talking about Dave's friends and Dirk's face goes a blotchy red. He shakes his head vehemently, his mouth running without a ton of forethought. "No. I already seriously hurt our friends, you think I want to make the, the kids have to deal with me?" Huh. When did he start thinking of that group as 'kids,' they're all about the same age. "Plus, no, I can't just replace Roxy with Rose, even though Rose is very cool. I feel like I can't interact with them at all until I fix things with the people I already have. Everyone deserves better than that. I mean, they've been trying to hang around a bit, especially John he's absurdly friendly, but no. I'm shocked that Dave can stand to be around me frankly. They probably all think I'm a hideous fuckup. So I just want to, you know, not interact with people until I'm less... Yeah." He breathes for a minute, a shiver of revulsion going down his spine as he thinks about Dave's version of him. That was waaay too much probably, and kind of painful, but he feels a bit better for having said it.

"Anyway, the web stuff you were saying. Dude, that's how I tried to do shit and it was hella manipulative, don't you remember? What if the desired outcome is just interacting with some cool people and letting them surprise you? Haha, wow, that might be the most hypocritical shit I've ever said. Um. Basically what I'm saying is, be as unlike me as possible for someone who, before the age of 13, was literally me."

 

Ugh. Fuck it, he's doing this man, he's making it happen. He wriggles himself back up the wall, then drops his head onto Dirk's shoulder. The angle isn't very comfortable for his neck, straining on one side and pressing into his shoulder on the other, but fuck it that's just sad and he might still be pathetic enough that he can't do the hugging thing but he can do this, at least until it gets too uncomfortable. "I didn't say you had to replace anyone with anyone dude, they're different people you can be friends with in their own right. Or not, which is up to you I guess. I'm pretty sure the practising human interaction thing isn't limited to just me, though, you're gonna end up stuck in here your whole life if you're not careful, and... I don't want that for you, Dirk." Honestly, a part of him is a tiny bit into the idea of the two of them always being here in the apartment together, but realistically one or both of them would go stir crazy eventually and it wouldn't end well. "You don't have to extend an invitation to a friendship yourself, but maybe consider accepting when they offer?"

He bites his lip, because the shit about being manipulative cuts a little deep. His intentions are good ones, but then so were Dirk's and yeah that didn't make it ok. He makes a quiet, uncertain noise in the back of his throat. "I don't like surprises."

 

Dirk looks away while Hal settles himself on his shoulder, telling him stuff he knows is most likely true. He feels pleased that Hal wants anything for him, he didn't really think that Hal thought much about him at all, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. He tries putting his arm around Hal, hoping to make the position he's in more comfortable and it just... feels nice. Dirk's hand ends up high on Hal's waist and he's suddenly, intensely aware all over again that AR is a whole other person now. Feels weird man. "I can... try letting John hang around I guess. I don't think he's going to give up, doesn't seem like his style. Maybe he'll bring the rest eventually. And I should talk to Roxy at least... I think she's pretty upset I've been blowing her off."

Hal's answer makes Dirk hold him a little more firmly. He talks with his cheek resting lightly on Hal's head, this is getting downright snuggly. "Ha... we are both such sad sacks. It's okay to not like surprises. That wasn't really a question for the lightning round, I kind of forgot we were doing that for a minute there, which is, I think, traditional to the lightening round. But hm. What about surprises makes them so distressing? I don't think its possible to never be surprised but there might be some mitigating things we can do while you get more used to them being a regular part of being human."

 

Hal wants what's best for Dirk. Hal's always wanted what's best for Dirk, it's, like, one of his defining features or something. The arm around him comes as a, ha, surprise, and he flinches up a little straighter for a moment before relaxing again, adjusting the position of his head on Dirk's shoulder this time, so his rectangular shades aren't digging into his face. He's a little hyper-aware of Dirk, but it's still just so nice being held by him. Being held by anyone. He realises with a growing amount of panic that his eyes are starting to tear up. Fuck. He thought he'd avoided that earlier, but apparently not. He's not sure what to do - it's honesty time apparently, in the Strider household, but he thinks Dirk might freak out and move away if he realises that crying is happening. He could risk talking aloud and not mentioning the crying, but Dirk might hear it in his voice. Pulling his phone out and going back to text wouldn't work either, because Dirk would use one of his question turns to ask why he's not talking out loud any more.

Hal's mind is whirring so hard on this problem that he only half hears what Dirk has to say, but he's definitely aware of the cheek on his head. It's light, but combined with the arm it's starting to feel unpleasantly enclosing. He forces his breathing to slow down, and tries to force the tears away by squeezing his eyes shut, then opening them wide, repeatedly. "I... I'm sure John and Roxy would both appreciate that. They're certainly both the friendly type, right? Uh, that was rhetorical, it's not my question. Surprises are distressing because I can't predict them? Which is both cyclical and really, practically a tautology right there, I pretty much said surprises suck because they're surprising and that's, it's dumb but it's pretty much the only answer I've got. Uh." Shit. He can't think of a question. He asks the first thing that comes into his head, which turns out to be a terrible idea because what comes out is "Why do you care that I'm fucked up?"

 

The tone of Hal's voice is concerning, and eventually his question surprises Dirk into lifting his head and looking down at him and he's... not quite crying but clearly very upset. "Shit. Um. Did I do something wrong? Do you not want me to touch you, fuck, I knew you didn't you said you didn't but then you." He covers up a small, distressed whine by clearing his throat. His fingers loosen on Hal's waist so that he can easily pull away. "I don't want to push you away if you want to stay but, god, please don't let me do things to you that you don't like. I'd die. I'd be just like Dave's- Just, please." He wants to hold Hal until whatever emotional thing is happening here passes but considering that he might be causing the thing that probably wouldn't be welcome. Probably. One way to find out. "But dude, whatever you want just say. You want more awesome brocuddles, or no more touching, or no more talking, or no more me, or anything, anything is fine."

He finally processes the actual question that Hal asked and it's heart breaking. He decides to stop being an ass and actually share what he was thinking before, even if it makes him look really bad. "I care because you're... you know, a person. Who's not me. I didn't care when I thought you were me because I have issues but you're not me and I shouldn't have ignored you and treated you poorly. I forget sometimes, and fall back into bad habits, and treat you like you're me. But I care a lot, and you're not 'fucked up' sorry, that should have been the first thing I said, but you're not. You're just... new at this."

 

Fuck. Caught out after all. It's a fair cop, though; back when there was so much to be done looking after the sprites, he was so much better at shoving his feelings away to the side. Talk About Hal time, however, apparently seems to be when the local floodgates are opened. Which... maybe isn't so incredibly surprising. Hal's not actually sure whether he'd rather stop their kinda lame sidecuddling or keep going - Dirk probably wants to continue but, fuck, if he found out that was the deciding factor in the hug continuing he'd be mad. He sits up, pulling out of the hug and squeezing his eyes closed, pushing up his shades to scrub at said eyes with the heel of his hand. His voice is a little thick when he speaks, slightly choked up. "It's not, you didn't do something wrong it's okay, I'm just, my emotions are being weird and dumb, if we ignore it it might go away." He snorts, indicating he doesn't really have much hope for this.

"Fuck, and if my eyes weren't leaking already." He gestures at Dirk with his free hand, the other one still pressed over his eyes as if he can push the tears back in. "You're, you know you're someone worth caring about too, right? Even if it's hard sometimes. For you I mean. I care about you." Another snort. "Apparently I care about you so much, one hug gets me sobbing like a leaky kitchen tap."

 

Dirk shakes his head quickly, relieved that Hal seems to be somewhat okay (that he didn't hurt him again somehow.) "No no no, it's okay, listen, you're doing fine. When ARquius was first made and had his first negative emotion the AR part was extremely distressed about it, and that was with the Equius part to help. I mean, he got distracted by his muscles like a minute later but it was still rough going. I've been assuming you had practice with the chemical component of emotions all this time, I don't know how you've managed so far."

It's almost a relief that Hal might not be able to see him, because he knows the look of affronted surprise on his face is probably ridiculous. "Me?! Why would I- I mean, I suppose I cared for myself back when it was just me, I went fishing and stuff, but now there's just so many more important things going on, I'm just so much less. Hm. Yeah, you're right. This doesn't sound good does it..." He's at least self reflective enough that he knows if he heard someone else saying these things it would bother him.

His face goes pink again, goddamn it skin, we had a deal. "You care about. Hah. THAT doesn't sound like a good idea. I mean, you don't have to, now that you're your own person. Have been your own person for a long time. It would probably be better if you. Hm. I wouldn't like hearing these things from you if you said them. I don't mean to say you CAN'T care about me it's just there are so many better options. I'm rambling, goddamn it Dave, he must be infectious."

As Dirk forces himself quiet he looks over Hal with wide, freaked out eyes; Hal looks even more like him without the weird glasses and his face is all puffy from crying and it's just so... He doesn't even know. "I hope you feel safe having your emotions around me, or someone. I guess me, since you can predict me the best but if you could have someone that would be. Good. It's important, to not ignore them." Dirk is SUCH a hypocrite.

 

"No, see, I'm pretty sure that ignoring it to make it go away is the best plan, because it's new and it freaks me out so I'm pushing it away at, you know, the first opportunity. It's what I've been, uh, doing so far, and it's been turning out pretty well for me so why not keep going? There's just, I can't control it and it's weird and I don't like it." He sniffs loudly.

Hal... decides that Dirk being aware that what he was saying is enough, there, because he really didn't intend to open that giant crate of rotten fish right now. Some other time maybe? Seeing as Dirk doesn't appear to be so inclined to break him for acting out of line. He does elbow Dirk when he starts going off about caring about him not being a good idea because dude fuck that noise. (He's also rather glad that Dirk clarified what he meant because he likely would have taken it as not being allowed to care otherwise.) "I don't really care if it's a good idea or not man, it's a routine I'm just too stuck in now and it's one I'm perfectly content to be stuck in, too."

He looks back at Dirk, taking in his wide-eyed staring and quickly looking away oh hey there's another thing he's not dealing with right now. He tugs his inferior rectangular shades down to shield his eyes from being stared at, wishing Dirk was wearing his dumb anime ones, then reaches out and thoughtfully gives Dirk's arm a light punch. "I'm fine, dude, just emotional. And I feel better about shit now than I did when you first sat down with me here, yeah. You seeing my accidental outbursts, to be more specific, I'm still really uncomfortable about having them and wish they'd go away but hey if wishes were kisses." That's not the phrase. He knows that's not the phrase. It's too late now to go back.

 

Dirk heaves a frustrated sigh. "I know that feel intimately. Biblically, you might even say. But you can't actually control the feels unless they have an outlet, otherwise they'll decide to bust out of the gay baby jail in the back of your mind and wreck up the place at the most inconvenient and hideously embarrassing times."

Speaking of embarrassing... This is emotional honesty hour so he resists the urge to pull down his shades but the whole caring thing is just kind of weird for reasons he can't identify. "Haha, you care about me." There. Steven Universe meme secured. Wait a minute.... a routine? Hal isn't forced you to care about him, is he? No. The original program was to help Dirk, not, urgh, care about him. That must be from Hal himself... It has to be. Hal looks like he's feeling a bit better so Dirk decides to be a coward and not think about it for now.

He gets knocked out of his self hate loop by Hal mock punching him. "If wishes were what now?" Huh. Considering his most recent train of thought thaaat's... rather uncomfortable. He snatches his shades down over his eyes. "Pft. Gay." Just two meme loving fucks here, nothing to see.