So Many Striders - Now With Illustrations!

Hal pushes his face into Dirk's thigh, turned down to hide from him a little bit. Having his hair pet is nice, but it doesn't really decrease the awkwardness he experiences at Dirk's question. He shifts around so his legs aren't quite so awkwardly positioned, then shrugs his higher shoulder. "Thought I would be when I said it? But uh. Guess I'm more of a romantic than I thought, or something, because the idea of continuing to kiss without it meaning anything at all to you... gives me bad feelings."

 

Dirk frowns. "I don't know what you mean by 'anything at all' dude. It's not... exactly normal for people to, for instance, let guys cuddle them in bed while touching their hair if they don't mean anything to each other at all." He pointedly smooths some stray hair back from Hal's face and then takes his hand away.

"I don't know how I feel, and I'm starting to understand Jake's discomfort with being pressured to make a decision one way or the other. Would it make you feel more comfortable if I stopped touching you until I figure stuff out? I mean... regardless of. Of." He remembers the wrenching feeling of panic when Hal almost died and barrels through the awkwardness telling him to stop talking. "Regardless of how I like you I still. Well. Goddamn it." He covers his face with his hands in defeat.

 

"But then if you- ugh." If Dirk likes Hal in a way that involves cuddling and hair touching, then he doesn't understand why Dirk is saying that he doesn't like Hal in a way that involves kissing, because surely that would be the same thing. For humans anyway, trolls are even more screwed when it comes to working this shit out.

"I... definitely don't want you to stop touching me. Touching is, is something I like, whatever way you like me. Touching is not exclusive to kissing-related emotions. Kissing is, um." Hal swallows awkwardly. "Off the table though, even if it is really fucking fun, because you're being confusing and I don't know how to feel about it any more. Or maybe it's not you being confusing and just me interpreting things weird, but anyway uh, yeah. Touching yes, kissing no." It feels really awkward to still be hugging Dirk around the waist, now, but if he sits up he should look at Dirk, that's the social rule, and neither of them have shades on so that's a strong no to that happening. "It's. It's nice to hear you do like me though, even if you don't, y'know, like like me."

 

Dirk feels a flash of annoyance. "I'm not being confusing, I told you exactly what's going on. I don't know okay? Just. Stop assuming that me saying that I don't fucking know means that nothing means anything at all, or that I don't like you whatever way you want me to like you. I'm admitting that I don't know something and being as candid as I know how to be."

As soon as his little outburst is over Dirk feels sick to his stomach. Hal always reacts so poorly to anything even a little bit harsh, and this is a delicate topic. He slouches and goes to pet Hal's hair again, but stops when he remembers that Hal doesn't like Dirk touching him when he sounds upset. "I'm trying to... If I thought it would make you happier if I just went along with whatever you want I'd do it. Because you matter, and because I have a lot to make up for, and I don't really... have anyone else who actually wants me around. But that's not what you want... right?"

 

"I don't- I'm-" Dirk's mad because Hal isn't understanding what he's saying, but he's trying his best, it's just not making any sense. First Dirk says he just likes the kissing, not Hal, then he says he likes Hal in a way that involves cuddling and petting, but apparently that's different somehow and means Dirk doesn't know how he feels about Hal and. And Hal's head is spinning. He lets his breath out in a slow rush, drawing it in again slightly shakily, and slithers down off the bed to kneel on the floor, head near to but not touching Dirk's knee, his hands in his lap.

"I want... I don't want you to do something like..." He gestures with one hand. "Letting me sit close to you or kiss you or whatever just because you think I want it. I thought they were things you wanted, and that's what I- I mean I don't just want what you want, that'd be bad, but it makes me, I dunno, happy to think that. That you want me. If you were just putting up with it because you wanted me to be happy, then that's not a thing that would make me happy. God organising my thoughts is so hard with a meat brain."

 

"Okay, that's okay." Dirk feels really uncomfortable with Hal sitting below him on the floor, like he's looming. If there's one thing he's learned to never do with the Daves it's looming over them. He hesitates, then brushes Hal's hair again, prepared to stop right away if he doesn't want it. It's quiet for a bit as Dirk thinks hard about what he's prepared to do to fix this situation.

"I'd like to talk about this more, do some thought organizing with you, but I'd be more comfortable if we were both sitting on the same level, and most comfortable if we could holdontoeachother maybe." That was Hal's idea originally, and... well, Dirk is genuinely freaked out by the possibility of alienating the only person who has expressed any overt desire to have him around recently. The reassurance would be welcome.

 

Hal tenses slightly when Dirk touches his hair, feeling his scalp and the back of his neck prickle, then steels himself and pulls away slightly. He knows Dirk isn't going to be mad with him for enforcing his own boundaries, but he still waits for Dirk to be mad with him for enforcing his own boundaries.

Still leaning against the bed, Hal chews on the upper corner of his lip, worrying it back and forth between his canines. "Would y'mind coming to sit down here? The... it's stupid, but the firmness of the floor under my ass is reassuring for some reason. And I'm not. Touching isn't a, a thing that would be good for me, right now, which is stupid given how clingy I was just being, I'm sorry I just... keep not being helpful here, hahh."

 

Dirk is so used to people around him not enforcing their boundaries, not feeling like they're allowed to with him, that it's actually somewhat of a relief to be turned down. "No, don't apologize. Thank you."

He drags a pillow with him but ends up curing up around it instead of leaning against it like he'd planned. "Okay. Well. Talking." Stupid absent shades. He stares at his commandeered pillow and his knees instead of Hal. "I do like those things you said. They're just... simple things. They have simple meanings, like 'emotional support' or 'feels nice' you know? The reasons behind them are simple too, 'you matter' and 'you're attractive' and things like that. But lo- ... liking someone is complex. What does it mean, and what changes if it's true, and what are the consequences if it ends? And why is even worse for me. I need to separate out all the bad reasons for liking someone from the good ones, and see if it's a good reason. Indebtedness, fear of loss, guilt." He curls up tightly. "The feeling of inevitability. Those are bad reasons to like someone, and worse ones to base a relationship on. I need to know that, if I like you, the good reasons outweigh the bad ones."

"I regret kissing you like that. I tried to make sure it was a simple thing before I did it, but I should have known it wasn't. I apologize for giving you bad feelings." This is what happens when he loses even a little bit of control over himself apparently, Dirk feels gross and rotten to his core.

 

Dirk isn't mad, as Hal had been afraid he would be/sure he wouldn't be, and it helps him settle somewhat, dropping into a cross-legged position, technically facing towards Dirk but looking down at his hands in his lap, fingers tapping repeatedly against each other.

"I... guess I'd thought of all those things tangled up together, rather than distinct. Like. Hugs from you or Davepeta or Roxy and so on feel nice, because I like y'all, but if it was... ugh, I don't know, Caliborn wanting to get his cuddle on, even if he was gentle and sweet about it like he'd never be, it wouldn't feel nice, because I don't like him." He chews his lip for a moment. "You uh. You sound like you've been putting a lot of thought into the long term outcomes of a potential relationship we might have, which isn't so surprising I guess, but is there... is there really anything wrong with just taking things slow and seeing how they go? We're gonna argue and fuck things up and so on because we're us, and it's what we do, but we seem to be getting better at this whole talking things through thing, which sucks by the way I want it on record that I think this sucks even if I get why it's useful, and... shit I lost my train of thought. Um. I think it was something about how so long as we make sure to talk things out, something something we can get through shit together? God that sounds sappy I probably meant to tap it before speaking, get some of that sap out and mix it with sugar to bottle and sell, way away from me. Aaand I just did it again." Hal shrugs, subsiding into silence.

 

Dirk sighs heavily. "I haven't had a lot of time to think about it actually, I kissed you while mentally impaired less than 24 hours ago. I want to take things slow too, and part of what I really feel the most comfortable with taking slow is declarations of feelings." He uncurls a bit, and sniffles despite the fact that his eyes and nose were definitely not watering. "You've gotten me to the point where I'm actively curious about how I'd feel about a relationship with you. I don't understand how that's an upsetting thing when I hadn't even considered it at all what feels like 10 minutes ago."

 

"Well, I mean, I had thought you'd been thinking about it from when you said it was okay to flirt with you. Because I thought that was the point of letting me flirt with you. But apparently not, so I'm a bit confused about that? Also not sure what's upsetting me. It's probably dumb, whatever it is." Hal clears his throat. "But uh, anyway, yeah you taking it slow to tell me how you feel is a thing that makes sense, you wanting it I mean, although I... can't really promise in good conscience that I'll not occasionally pester you about it."

 

"I guess I have a lot of unconscious ideas about what constitutes flirting vs. courting, or how serious something seems. You flirting with me never felt serious, so I, er, didn't take it all that seriously." He can hear himself sounding like an asshole even as he speaks, so he tries to undo some of the damage. "You have my attention now though, and I... like... whatever this is so far. Even if it's kind of alarming for me."

It's uncool that both times he's kissed Hal there have been all of these bad feelings after, that seems like a poor pattern to set. "You should figure out your feeling, it might not be dumb. I'd rather not repeat whatever I might have done to have another make out session devolve into badfeels. Not that I plan on, I mean, we're obviously not doing that again until you want, just... don't let me fuck up the same way over and over again."

 

"I mean, I meant it for sure, but it was kinda deliberately not expressed in a serious way. I... you not taking it seriously didn't- I mean it wasn't- you not taking it seriously was fine then, because I wasn't acting like it was serious? Which was uh, probably kinda... not helpful for getting you to believe that I was serious. Oops." Hal runs his tongue over the inside of his lips, trying to avoid biting them because they're actually starting to feel a little swollen. "I... guess at least it's a good thing that it's out in the open now, and you like it, although it being alarming is less than ideal."

Hal sort of wants to kiss Dirk again, to avoid talking more about stuff that's making him uncomfortable, like why he's feeling shitty. That would absolutely be a bad idea, though, so instead he just fidgets rather miserably. "Fucking up the same way over and over again sucks, yeah. I think we both know that. Um. Not to dwell on that. I..." Hal trails off, digging his hands up into his hair, tugging it loose from the hairband. "I don't know why I've got bad feels, man, it's just some bullshit, I didn't get enough love in my childhood or something."

 

Dirk finally glances over at Hal quickly. "And that's showbiz... kid." He sinks his face back into his knees after acknowledging what the reference even though Hal's loose hair makes him want to pet it. That... sure is an impulse he has, one that would be very unwelcome right now.

"It being alarming isn't your fault." Dirk comes to a decision, sits up straight and cross legged with the pillow in his lap, and turns toward Hal. He has every intention of looking at him, but ends up with his eyes trained on Hal's shoulder before forcing himself to look at his face. "I love you. You're important to me, and you're the only person who not only wants me around but actively seeks me out even when I'm being... myself. I'm not good, but sort of okay in that kind of relationship even if it feels precarious. Thinking about what's going- I mean probably, er, what might happen if I change the nature of our relationship to something that I'm demonstrably shit at..." He looks away, angry at himself. "Liking you romantically feels like a huge risk. I'm not... ready. I need, I don't know, processing space. I'm not putting you off to fuck with you or as a way of letting you down. It's just a lot, like, it's a huge task to take on, and so far it's been easier to avoid thinking about it, and now that I kind of want to think about it, it's so much. I can't do it all at once, does that make sense?" Dirk rubs his hands over his face and goes back to looking at Hal.

"That's what I mean when I say that I don't know, because I don't, I'm confused, I don't mean anything other than that. When you... do the thing that everyone does." His voice turns a bit bitter. "Assuming that I don't feel things, or don't have positive feelings. It's... maybe I'm being unreasonable, everyone does it so it must be based in reality and I probably deserve it but I guess... I thought... If you're going to be all up in my business that you would... not."

"If you could give me the benefit of the doubt, just a little bit, it might help me feel better about-" He gestures vaguely between the two of them, "this." Dirk slumps, pretty much exhausted with himself but determined to get through saying all the stuff he'd decided to say.

"Um, if you want you could also do the other sorts of things we talked about. Date type things." This feels lighter to talk about, but no less awkward. "If you want to help me figure this stuff out, or get more comfortable with it, you could, if you want, convince me that liking you back is worth the risk. I guess that's what I mean about the difference between flirting and courting; the former communicates your feelings and the latter attempts to, I don't know, help me figure out mine."

 

Hal's lips twitch briefly upwards when Dirk replies with the next line of the song, but it's gone soon after as a strand of freed hair falls in front of his eyes. He removes his hands from his hair and tucks the strand up behind his ear, but some of the strands that were loosened but are still tied back flop over his ears when he does, which is unacceptable, so he tugs the tie out to redo it. He freezes for a moment with tie in hand when Dirk looks right at him and says he loves him, though, and a slightly wonder-struck smile creeps onto his face... along with a vividly red blush. With the brisk motions of the embarrassed, he tugs the hairtie down onto his wrist and sweeps his fingers through his hair several times to gather it all up before tying it off into a new ponytail. He still can't quite push the smile away (Dirk said he loves him!) when Dirk looks away then back again, but he does at least manage to make an agreeing sort of noise too. "Yeah that makes sense. Like I don't totally get why it's such a big thing, but it makes sense that doing it all at the same time'd be too much."

Dirk mentions everyone assuming that Dirk doesn't feel things, and Hal winces, reaching out to grab at Dirk's hand when he gestures between them. "I'm sorry. It's not... an intentional thing, which isn't an excuse I know, but I am trying to stop. I do consciously I'm pretty sure, but not totally subconsciously yet. I guess a work in progress is the best I can offer, kinda, but it is definitely something I'm trying to fix?"

"Right. Date things. Yeah." Hal nods. "Now that I know date things are what is desired, date things are what's gonna happen, I promise. It... is gonna be a little restricted given my uh, thing about going outside, but we're both creative people and I'm sure we can think of enough different things to keep it entertaining."

 

Dirk's heart sinks when it seems that Hal still doesn't understand what he's trying and failing to communicate. He probably needs to think on it more himself to be able to say it more clearly, but at the moment he just wants to give up thinking and talking and spend the next 3 hours zoning out in the shower. His mood lifts when Hal grabs his hand, glad that some degree of touching is okay again.

"Thank you, I'm glad to hear that you're trying, it's honestly probably more than I deserve. I'll try to be worthy of the effort. And I don't really care for running around going on adventures for dates." That was Jake's thing. "I'm sure that whatever we come up with will at least be interesting if nothing else." He offers Hal a small smile. Now that Hal is feeling better he feels like he should start planning his escape before he fucks it up again.

 

Unaware that he missed anything, Hal shifts a little closer to Dirk, still holding his hand, lowering it and holding it in both hands to rub his thumbs over his knuckles. It's an excuse to look at something else rather than Dirk's face, but he is mostly doing it for its own sake.

He gives the back of Dirk's hand a gentle tap when Dirk claims not to deserve Hal trying to stop being an ass, looking up at him as he does. "You definitely deserve it. Like, even if you specifically didn't deserve it, which you do, everyone deserves to be treated like they're a person with feelings." He says it a little more earnestly than he meant to, and drops his gaze quickly back to Dirk's hand. "I'd been thinking more that we can't go out to restaurants or museums or anything, I'm not really keen on the idea of adventures either. Interesting things, however, sound more to my taste." He squeezes Dirk's hand with both of his. "Interesting things with you, especially."

 

Hal insisting he should be treated like any other person shouldn't make him feel this happy and relieved, but he is glad in any case. Dirk also hasn't been the best at treating Hal like a different person with feelings, he doesn't think he can apologize enough for that or what it led to. "Yeah, feelings having is a thing we do. Thanks for... thanks. I guess I kind of think 'what goes around comes around' but it's really nice of you, specifically, to think I deserve that." He holds Hal's hand back, glad to have some nonverbal way to express things now that Hal's feeling okay with touch again.

It's starting to get sappy again without any big important uncomfortable things to communicate to distract him so Dirk looks away and grumbles a bit while shifting toward Hal so that they almost touch. "You trying to succeed where years of orange soda failed? Will you still want me when I'm toothless?" It would be nice if they could be done talking for a bit, he likes it when Hal is happy. "I'm not interested in dates that involve things you can't do, or don't feel comfortable doing. That seems counter productive."

 

"Let's go with the Biblical one instead. 'Do unto others what you'd have them do unto you,' yeah? I'm rather keen on the idea of being a person, so I should treat you like one too. I... know how much it sucks not to be, and I wouldn't want that for anyone." Hal looks briefly thoughtful. "Although, it might have done some good reduction work to Caliborn's ego..." He shakes his head. "Anyway."

The corners of Hal's lips keep tugging up, undaunted by Dirk's grumbling, because the shifting closer is pretty damn obvious. "N'aww. I think you have the capability to rot teeth too. Answer's yes, too. We could use your false teeth to prank people, and I'd learn how to make soup. For now though... yeah, indoors or rooftop dates. You got any time next week to- no, no ok I'm not doing it like that, I'm doing it properly." Hal clears his throat, giving Dirk's hand a squeeze and looking up directly at him. His heart is beating fast like he doesn't already know the answer to the question he's about to ask, and he wets his lips nervously.

"Dirk, will you go on a date with me next week? I like you an awful lot, and I'd like to help you work through your feelings, too."

 

Hal rambling puts Dirk somewhat at ease, a return of normalcy. He edges toward asking Dirk on a date and stops himself to make a Thing out of it. Even though Dirk has already said this is what Hal can do to help, it still feels nerve wracking to actually start down this path. He feels a bit sick.

Hal looks at him nervously and licks his lips. Maybe the dating thing won't be so bad if he gets to kiss Hal some more eventually. "Yeah, just say when. We don't exactly have set schedules." Not that Dirk isn't busy, he ends up at the sprite house almost every other day and has a number of interrelated projects going in a loose collaboration with a few other tech people from their group. Hal's face is very close, making him unconsciously bite his lip. It would be really good if he could put off fucking this thing all to hell for at least a little while.