So Many Striders - Now With Illustrations!

The state of mind/body peace Dirk had carefully built shatters abruptly when Hal touches him unexpectedly, leaving him nothing but sharp, jagged edges. He gasps and almost fumbles everything, which would have broken shit for real. "The FUCK Hal?! You JUST SAID-. I liked you better when you wouldn't TAKE THINGS out of my FUCKING HANDS." He drops the tools back to the table in disgust and pushes himself away from it, physically distancing himself from the project so as to not ruin it on accident (or on purpose at this point). His feet hit the floor hard as he stands, resisting the urge to petulantly knock his work stool over.

 

Hal snatches his hand back sharply, pulling it up to his chest so hard he rocks back slightly on the stool. His eyes are wide like some unfortunate prey animal staring down a car's headlights, although it's upwards that he has to direct his gaze to look at Dirk. His throat swelling is up, or some other bullshit meatbag thing, and it feels like there's a large solid lump stuck halfway down it, that swallowing doesn't dislodge. He opens his mouth; to apologise, or say that's not what he was doing, or say anything at all, fuck, but all that comes out is a dry croak. He snaps his mouth shut again, shaking his head instead, hoping that Dirk takes it as apology. He feels frozen on the stool, limbs locked in place, even the leg he had to actively keep from jittering earlier. He's locked in ice, quick, unsatisfying breaths the only movement he's capable of making.

 

Dirk whips around to glare at Hal, momentarily forgetting he'd left his shades on the table in order to be able to see what he was doing clearly. He opens his mouth to berate Hal more for holding up the project again but then Hal makes a weird noise, jerking Dirk's attention to him instead of on his building tantrum.

Hal is shaking his head, his eyes never leaving Dirk as though watching a dangerous animal. A threat. Dirk's temper flares even more. "Why are you shaking your head 'no' like that? You're being ridiculous, it's not like I'd-"

Dirk closes his mouth with a snap and really looks at Hal. His eyes are so wide that Dirk can see them over Hal's glasses from this angle, and his breathing is sharp and shallow. His first instinct when confronted with a frightened person is to reassure them, and his body automatically leans in, his arm half lifting to comfort Hal in some way. Then he remembers. Hal is scared of him, of course he is, Dirk has given him no reason not to be. His face falls and he takes a jerky step back, hands raised placatingly. "I'm." He is so ashamed of himself. "I'm not going to hurt you."

 

Hal is fine. He's fine, Dirk is literally incapable of snapping him in half now that he has his own body. He's, he just needs a moment to work through the crippling fear that shot through him (and holy shit, what use is that as an evolutionary tactic? Oh you're scared? Well now you can't move to get away from the thing that's got you shitting your pants. Have fun buddy hope you don't get eaten by a lion or whatever.)

When Dirk leans towards him, he flinches back hard. It's enough of a motion, even if it's an involuntary one, that it breaks the spell of being frozen. He can feel that his body will obey him again, if he directs it to do something, but... he has no idea what to do. Dirk clearly wanted to hug him, so he could hold out his arms and ask for that to reassure Dirk but his skin prickles awfully all over at even just the thought of it and he shakes his head, arms wrapping around himself. Blinking for the first time in what feels like ages reduces the stinging that had been building up in his eyes, although it also releases a couple of drops of moisture from each, which were definitely not tears, or at least they were but not ones born from fear. They were the natural result of holding his eyes open for that long, and that's all.

He still feels like it would be dangerous to take his eyes off Dirk, and his breathing's just as shitty, but he manages to pull a face in annoyance at himself, and nod in agreement like he fully believes Dirk isn't going to hurt him.

 

Something in him curls up and dies of shame when Hal flinches away from him. Maybe it's all his fault Hal is scared of touching people, and going outside. Dirk bites the inside of his mouth so hard he tastes copper. How many people does he need to traumatize before he finally learns he's unfit for human contact?

Using tight, efficient movements Dirk puts his shades back on and sits back on his stool, watching Hal carefully for signs of further panic. "I can leave, if you need me to. I won't hurt you, please don't cry." He glaces at the half built phone and sighs. "We should take a break from this, in any case." He looks down and mumbles, "I promise it'll be done soon though, I know you need it."

 

Hal goes to shake his head when Dirk offers to leave, because fuck that this is his space not Hal's, and then he groans in frustration at himself, pulling out his phone. Idiot that he is, he'd forgotten he still had this one that he could talk to Dirk with. He doesn't bother to open pesterchum, given how long it takes to load, tapping on the memo program's image instead and opening a new memo once in. He types as fast as he can on the touchscreen, the residual stiffness from when he was frozen not helping to speed up the process but certainly contributing to the mistakes made, until it looks more like a message from Roxy than from Hal.

[I know you wouldnt hurt me ist ok my meatbrains just being an asss
You dont have to laeave
Im fine not crying its jsut mositeure from dry eeyes]

Without bothering to correct any of the mistakes, he turns the phone around, offering it to Dirk to read. His arm trembles a little as he extends it towards Dirk.

 

Dirk carefully plucks the phone from Hal's shaking hand without touching him. He grimaces when he reads the frantic, mistake riddled message. "Your meatbrain doesn't just do things at random." Dirk slides the phone back over to Hal, leaving it on the table near him. "I don't know if it's a good idea for you to stay here..." Dirk pulls out his own phone so that he can easily read any texts Hal sends him. "It's not healthy for you to be around me it seems. I don't think it's really healthy for anyone." Enough of that self centered whining. "Would you prefer to stay with Dave, our Bro, or the sprites? Maybe Roxy?" He tries not to let his emotions show on his face but it feels like something is trying to claw its way out of his stomach, it's highly unpleasant.

 

Hal is grateful that Dirk doesn't touch him, although he regrets making Dirk feel like he has to be quite that careful about avoiding doing so. He takes his phone back as soon as it's slid towards him, ducking his head to stare at the screen rather than look at Dirk, switching from the memo app to the texting program. He sits there for a moment, just holding the phone, before tapping out a reply. He's already calmer than he was, adrenaline flow easing up, but he also now realises he should be presenting himself as calmer than that, even, for Dirk's sake, so his text is back to perfect grammar, no mistakes.

[What I'd prefer is to stay here, with you. It's not you that's setting me off, dude. Last time, we were talking about some pretty heavily emotional stuff, so it's not really surprising that I went non-verbal, and this time I've been stressed out for a while anyway because of the new phone, so again it was pretty inevitable that I'd have a meltdown of some kind or other.]

He sends the message, then follows it quickly with another.

[You know me, Dirk. A comment like that wouldn't normally get to me.]

This... is not true. It's very not true. But in a lower stress situation, he'd have been approximately 9001 times better at hiding it.

 

Dirk is incredulous. "'A meltdown of some kind'? You only just got your face, you're not as good at hiding shit as you think. I've just... not been paying that much attention." He re-reads the second message. "I don't think I do know you, actually. What do you even mean by 'a comment like that'? I didn't realize it was a specific thing I'd said that set you off."

 

Oops. He shrugs casually, still staring at his phone, totally unable to prevent the little flinch that happens when Dirk says he doesn't know Hal after all. That hurts, and he doesn't know why. Maybe because he knows - or knew - Dirk so very well. His calculations regarding Dirk's behaviour are laughably vague, now he's no longer a computer.

[You said you liked me better when I couldn't take things out of your hands.]

He answers just the one thing, because addressing his own shitty poker face would be annoying, and addressing the fact that Dirk apparently doesn't know him would be painful. And, because human memories are shit when it comes to precision, especially during an emotional period, he tells Dirk what he heard, rather than what Dirk actually said.

 

"I WHAT? No!" Dirk hisses when the implications of that hit him; the idea that he'd want Hal powerless. "I said wouldn't, when you wouldn't take things. I don't want you helpless, I just wanted you outta my personal space. Willingly. I don't wanna take away your ability to bother me, I just wish you'd choose not to when I ask. Hal..." Dirk can't help the devastated look on his face. "See, if I knew you better I'd have known... but you're scared of me! And you lie to me about it. And you automatically jump to the absolute worst-." Dirk cuts himself off, he doesn't want to sound like he's blaming Hal for all this. "It's clearly my fault and I feel like the only way you're going to get better is if you're somewhere you feel safe, with people who you trust to not... hurt you like that, like you assumed I would."

 

Well the loud response isn't the best thing that Dirk could have done to keep Hal calm, but what's life as a human without accidentally doing something thanks to an emotional response? Hal shakes his head, glancing up at Dirk just in time to catch that devastated look, and oh, that's what human writers mean when they say something tugs on their heart strings. He shakes his head again.

[I didn't think you wanted to take my ability to do shit away, dude, we seem to be arguing at cross purposes here. I was hurt that you liked me better in a form that I hated so much.]

Ugh. And now it's apparently time for more exhausting emotional honesty, apparently. Well, some honesty, some fiction.

[I am *nervous* around you sometimes, yeah, but it's definitely not the majority of the time, just when I'm already feeling tense and shit. Besides. I don't know how well I'd do with either the move or not being around you. You've kind of been the thing I orient myself around for the entirety of my existence as a separate person, you know.]

 

"I didn't mean what I said, I do like you better now, let's not forget that I'm a complete ass, okay? That is still a thing. But I." Dirk looks awkward when it hits him what he just said. "Yeah. I like you now." Ugh. Saying things like that is so weird.

Then Hal says maybe the most uncomfortable thing he's ever heard. "You... orient yourself around me?" Dirk bluescreens for a moment, trying to work through the implications of that and failing. "I don't... I mean, why? You're a separate person now Hal, like you said. You're not my answering machine or my, my, what, assistant? Servant?" Dirk shudders. "I didn't mean for that to happen. You don't have to. AND you're nervous around me. Christ. This is some classic abuser shit." Dirk thinks he might throw up.

 

Knowing Dirk likes him at all now, as he is, with a fully functioning and autonomous body is... a good feeling. It makes him feel all warm and slightly giddy and he realises with abrupt and crippling embarrassment that his face is turning red and his mouth is smiling without waiting for any sort of permission. He tucks his chin hard against his chest, trying to hide the stupid emotional reactions.

[Not like your answering machine, or your assistant, or your servant. Not like your abusee, either. Orienting myself around you was maybe a bad way of putting it. I just know that it makes me happy when you're happy, and when you're sad or distressed I want to help you not to be.]

[I don't know what that is if it's not orienting myself around you, though. So I guess it was the right way of putting it.]

 

Hal doesn't seem distressed at all by Dirk's revelation. In fact he looks happier than Dirk has seen him in a long time.

Shit. FUCK. Hal is blushing. Hal is smiling. Hal is embarrassed. Hal is nervous around him and ridiculously sensitive to things he says, both positive and negative. He stares at the screen, reading and re-reading the text to make sure he's understanding the words while darting looks at Hal's face. This isn't happening. Dirk's stomach feels weird in a totally different way now. Can a stomach have whiplash? He abruptly realizes his face is so hot it could fry bacon and eggs. Make a nutritious breakfast for a wholesome family of four on his face before sending the kids off to school. He's stalling.

Dirk swallows. Opens his mouth to speak. Swallows again. "Are you serious? You're not fucking with me, you're actually..." His stomach flip-flops unplesently. He can't actually get the words 'in love with me' out without having a nervous break down. This is, by far, the weirdest thing that's ever happened to him, which is saying something.

 

Unfortunately for the narrative, if fortunately for Dirk, Hal is very steadfastly not looking up from his phone's screen while he waits for a response from Dirk. He is embarrassed, and confused as to why he's embarrassed, and annoyed that he doesn't know why he's embarrassed, and why can't he just take the emotional data and run it through an analysis program like any normal person can. Oh wait, no, that's just people who are also computers. And he's many things, but none of them are 'a computer'.

Dirk finally speaks, and man, way to continue the confusion. Hal looks up, cheeks still a little warm, brows furrowed together in confusion, before flicking his eyes downwards again to reply. He thinks the block in his throat might be clearing a bit, but it's still frustrating as fuck when his voice stops mid-word so let's avoid that for a while longer. [You're going to have to finish that for me to know what you're asking, yo.]

 

Dirk blanches. Does Hal honestly not understand what he just said?

"Are you fucking with me bro? Because that's not cool if so. Extremely uncool. Anyway. Um." If Hal really doesn't understand how he's feeling maybe Dirk is mistaken, maybe this is nothing. "You feel that way about Roxy too, though, right? You're happy when she is and want to help when she's not? And Davepeta. You're close to them as well?" Maybe this is a sibling feel kind of thing. Yes. That's totally what's happening here. Dirk's voice may take on a slight, desperate edge and he's clasping his hands tightly around his phone. This isn't happening.

 

Hal really doesn't understand what he just said.

[I'm not really sure what I'd gain by confessing that I care about your emotional state just to fuck with you, so, no that's not what I'm doing.] He tilts his head to the side slightly, considering Dirk's suggestions that he feels the same way about Roxy and Davepeta. He's not sure what the fuck it is, but there's a voice in his head (should that concern him?) that doesn't seem very happy with that idea. [I definitely care about Roxy and Davepeta's happiness, but no, it's not the same. I don't know how the fuck to explain how it's different, but it definitely is. Maybe it's because I've interacted with you the most out of all our many siblings? Roxy definitely ranks a high second in that regard, but we had way more one on one conversations than I ever had with her. Emotions, what do, etc.]

 

Hal using the word 'sibling' makes Dirk feel enormously relieved and awkward at the same time. What an awful, weird conclusion to jump to! His body actually slumps with relief at a messy situation avoided. "Ha. Yeah, that's likely it. I mean, we were attached at the brain for more than 2/3rds of our existence. You should be careful how you phrase stuff though dude. For a minute there I thought you were saying you were in love with me." Which now, with a bit of distance from the panic, was rather flattering, but yes. Siblings. Good. In fact, it's still a bit flattering that Hal cares about his emotional state. Just in a brotherly way. Yeah. That's nice.

 

... Huh. In love with Dirk. That doesn't feel as weird as it should. It should definitely feel weirder than 'What if I am?' to hear that your sibling and one-time identical fellow human thought you were in love with him, in a romantic way. However. Dirk sounds pretty relieved that he turned out to be wrong about the in love with thing, so, clearly it isn't a thing that Hal should be thinking about. If he's learned anything from the whole Dirk and Jake disaster, it's that having romantic feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same way is 1) creepy and 2) bound to end in disaster. Therefore, he is very definitely not going to think about whether he really is in the romantic love for Dirk or not. Or at least, he isn't going to do so now.

[Sorry, my bad. I didn't mean to weird you out there bro.]

And then, because he is feeling pretty much over his freak out now, and he can't resist being a pushy ass;

[So you're cool with my sibling love being directed your way?]