I'm still a little fuzzy on the correct social usage of the Spoiler function around here except for literal spoilers and large graphics, so if something needs hiding, please let me know? --- Not like internal narrator voice in my head or intrusive thoughts voice in my head. Like. Separate voice, recognizably different intonation on her words, different personality and goals than mine. Most of her goals right now seem to be "play with favorite toy and make it suffer." She showed up for the first time I think (don't have an exact record because I didn't trust it to my journals) in my preteens, hung around for a few years being... probably comorbid with depression and mixing in interesting ways with my attempting very clumsily to figure shit out religiously, with zero resources to do so, in a very conservative and possibly abusive church. Then she went - either absent or quiet for a number of years. There have been thought patterns sometimes that matched her style but not so much explicitly her talking to me. She went on the air again at some point last year, and got loud after I returned from a failed out-of-town move I had been putting a lot of hope in as a way to get out of my parents' house and to a town less politically inimical and with more opportunities for me than my hometown, which was followed by an increase in anxiety, an increase in sleeping on schedules calculated to help me avoid the world, and a near-fatal illness which left me with significant uninsured hospital bills. I think she and the rest of my brain-nope might have some kind of feedback loop going, or at the least anxiety and possibly-depression (a lot of Tired mixed with a thinly-supported poor baseline opinion of myself and a hell of a lot of moods in which I "don't deserve" basic household resources and/or affection from friends) seem to amp up as she escalates the harshness of her tactics. ... She likes personal insults ranging from petty comments about weight and feeding to attempting to construct arguments in support of my being a terrible human, a terrible daughter, and a failure at various bits of life. She's a big fan of visualization, sometimes very blurry impressions like an out-of-focus camera or a faded memory and sometimes very detailed things closer to the quality of a clear recent memory or a vivid dream. These can be a series of snapshots or something more like bits of video, brain-gifs if you will. When I was younger her pictures tended to be a mix of my being trapped and restrained in different ways or my doing things to myself or destroying other people's property or both at once - window-glass and dishes for instance on the latter. Recently there's been a more concentrated focus in her imagery on her doing things to me, mixes of elaborate violence and forcing me into situations that unnerve me. She mixes it up a lot, interspersing flashes of pictures with the insults to distract me and shut me up if I try to argue back, or escalating from insults into visuals of violence, with the implied or stated reasoning that the ways she is "hurting" me are my punishment. (Clarification: her "voice" and the visuals are the only sensory things she can imitate decently. She can imply pain, or temperatures, or foul tastes and smells, sort of pushing ideas and memories at me to remind me what could be happening, but she can't make anything seem realistic or vivid there unless she can talk me into doing her work for her - such as threatening and ordering me to get me into a stress position and having me hold it while she plays in my head. In other words, no dice unless I'm really fragile or really hating myself.) She's been known to threaten to hurt my friends, or to threaten to use me to hurt my friends. This reliably produces rapid freakouts but also has a higher rate of getting me fighting mad and trying very hard to throttle her than her other tactics, which may be why she doesn't deploy it more frequently - I get the strong impression despair is tastier to her than anger. ... I'm not actually sure what she is. Figured her for an actual person, a spiritual entity, when she first showed up, and it's still easiest to think of her in those terms, but I'm willing to consider alternate personality born during my first round of depression, or some serious wires getting crossed in the bits of my brain I use to model and chat with characters I use in art and stories, as definite possibilities. All I'm really certain of is that if I made her, it was without my knowledge and against my will, and that if she wants to blame me for her thoughts existing she's being pretty unfair about it. :p And I would really like her to shut up, or at least be more manageable. It's not that I'm not fighting her. I am. And sometimes I find or somebody helps me find a trick that works. But nothing works constantly, and hardly anything works consistently. And not letting her win a fight is draining, and letting her win a fight is draining, and ignoring her is tricky and also draining and requires finding something my brain finds really vivid to block her out and focusing only on it which if I have anything else to do with myself is not exactly sustainable for long. And not strictly ignoring her, but keeping moving anyway, often means she'll just escalate until she gets my attention back. When she started coming around again I would think it was weird and bad if I heard from her twice in a day. These days if I go a whole day or more without hearing from her at all it's like a vacation, and sometimes she'll attack sharply two or three times in a day between low-key murmuring, getting under my skin enough to have me crying and hyperventilating and then keeping it up for an hour or more. I'm not sure what her goals are, however far she has them, other than making me hurt. There have been times she's toyed with suicide-baiting as an apparent endgame, and there have been times she's talked about making me her pet and training me, wanting to get me so I'll drop what I'm doing for her, self-harm for her, abandon people I love and make moral compromises on her say-so. I'm not sure what she wants, or if she wants - if she was just a persona in my head would she have coherent goals? - but I know that one way or another I wouldn't be me or be somebody I felt was worth being if I let her win the war.