sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

I think this is one that coalesced out of several half formed concepts.

Spoiler: bodily functions

One time Dave was on a pain medication that made him constipated for like a week and the entire time he was insufferable to his friends, complaining about it nigh constantly. John taunted him with his own regular schedule and Dave got to be dramatic about his plight. Jade thought the detail he got into was kinda gross but sometimes it was also kind of funny, like when he said if he died he'd make good fertilizer. He and Rose tried to one up each other with increasingly complex descriptions of the situation, but there was no winner there. He let everyone know when the situation, er, passed, so to speak.

 

AMEPLANE OTP

A few of mine:

• Amethyst has had dalliances with humans of all genders, albeit with a marked preference for women. She and Vidalia actually dated at one point, but broke up on good terms because Vidalia wanted to settle down someday and they both knew Amethyst couldn't give her that. They remained close friends, but drifted apart a bit after Vidalia married Yellowtail.
• Jane has very strong opinions on cake, and will not tolerate shitty grocery store cake. After all, her dad makes amazing cakes, and she grew up on those--why would she settle for anything less?
• Terezi is a cis girl, but takes great delight in playing with her gender presentation, largely to fuck with people and get fake-angry at them when they assume she's a dude (a la the "WHY WOULD YOU L4UGH 4T 4 BL1ND G1RL" thing). It doesn't hurt that she tends to dress more for comfort and practicality than anything else (when she's not cosplaying).
  
• While Pearl doesn't generally eat if she can avoid it, she does enjoy some beverages, particularly tea. She's actually a bit of a tea connoisseur.
  
• Amethyst has been in jail at LEAST once.
• Roxy is an extremely good Pokemon player. She has several extremely strong competitive teams, as well as a few joke/novelty teams and plenty of Pokemon she's raised up to level 100 just because she thinks they're cute or funny.
• Aradia loves shitty bargain-bin adventure movies, though mostly she just watches them to laugh at them. She does get extremely peeved about historical inaccuracy, though, which has led to the tragic loss of at least one DVD player due to her telekinetically tossing it across the room.
• Kanaya was the one who sewed Terezi's Redglare costume and dragon cape. She enjoys sewing things for friends in general, and rarely asks for much (if anything) in return--the fun she has doing it is reward enough for her.
• Damara is actually perfectly bilingual (though with a noticeable accent); however, since it was Rufioh who taught her English/West Beforan, she refuses to speak it if at all possible.
• Garnet's a big fan of video games in general, and often plays them with Steven.
  
• Connie is a filthy Homestuck, and got Steven into it as well. They both plan on getting Peridot to read it.

 

Headcanon accepted.

 

Damara cheating at go fish is basically the best headcanon ever.

The Handmaid adores sweets, especially chocolate. She is also very fond of tea but despises the way it is made at the mansion because it is always made the same. Similarly she detests black licorice.

Due to rp shenanigans Porrim is a dog person. Were she allowed near a dog long enough she would realize this and never go back to not being a dog person. The one flaw of dogs would be that they get their fur all over her nice clothes.

Also I would have made "Tori plays with the wolvers and passes out in an adorable exhausted pile of fluff with them" a headcanon but it is canon SO I GUESS IT CAN'T BE THAT NOW CAN IT. IT WAS A HEADCANON BEFORE I GOT TO THAT PART IN THE BOOKS THOUGH. So instead we will go with "Tori secretly crossdresses or at least is filled with a huge need to do so".

 

If they ever played Overwatch, Victoria would play Reinhardt, Harry would like D.va, and Sieg would probably go with the most basic one before Harry convinced her to try one of the ones that require excellent timing.

Of the cyborgs, Cinque would probably like Symmetra, Dieci Ana, and Nove might like Tracer. Wendi loses her temper at games too often and doesn't really specialize in any of them. Though they all probably get a little annoyed at the characters who have anti-robot/cyborg prejudice.

The moment someone introduced Star Wars to Sein, she made it her mission to convince Deed to use her swords as lightsabers and dress up as a Jedi.

 

• human cronus's middle name is james. if you ask him, he'll say it's after james dean. in reality he picked it when he was 12 and it's after james potter.
• both cronus and latula had scene phases and both will threaten to kick your ass if you ever bring it up
• cronus was banned from several dersian underground casinos for very sloppily attempting to cheat at every single game and getting caught
• cronus has never seen grease in his life and hates acoustic music with a burning passion.
• Spoiler: nsfw

  he was given a guitar once, the gifter assuming he liked them. he promptly decided it was a sex toy and got his dick caught in the strings
• these are all cronus but i swear it's because i roleplay him and develop these after a while

 

The spoilery Big Bad of my favorite game (popularly nicknamed "Darth Homura") is an obnoxious food snob who judges people for not eating the same way he does. In a modern setting, he'd be the sort of person who makes kale and quinoa smoothies.

 

The inactive modes of Victoria, Sieg, and Harry's devices are. respectively:
-Basically a necklace with a teeny halberd on, in the same style as the Wolkenritter devices
-The black-and-white bullseye pendant that Sieg and Ried both wear, which is actually the Jeremiah family symbol (Victoria was very happy to dig up a record of it, the nerd.)
-Chain bracelet that looks like a minituarized version of red hawk, with the point end hanging down like a charm.

 

Tumblr discourse in the Darker-than-Black-verse is so terrible. Like, so incredibly, unbelievably, MIND-BLOWINGLY terrible.

 

speaking of tumblr discourse: beforus grubblr discourse

• "for fuck's sake don't write sj posts in quirk do you know how inaccessible that is"
• "can we stop romanticizing the culling system"
• "you're not 'oppressed' for not wanting to date trolls of a certain gender lol"
• "gross that's a greenface cosplay"
• "ngl i'm like.............super wary of any highblood who seeks out pale relationships with exclusively much lower bloods. like im not saying theyre trying to cull them but like...............yikes"
• "lol why the fuck are people acting like JADEBLOODS are privileged in any way are you kidding me"
• "WADER ISNT A FUCKIN SLUR LMAO SEADWELLERS LITERALLY CREATED IT TO REFER TO SEADWELLERS WHO WERE ''''LAND-AFFILIATED''''"

 

please dont do this to me

 

Discourse surrounding aromantic trolls and culling them.

 

more, just for you.

• "that foundation is....at least three shades of teal too low for her"
• "oh my GOD can highbloods stop making cutesy little '''hey lowbloods friendly reminder to [basic safety tips]!!! uwu''' posts like are you Aware how gross and hemophobic that is"
• "its not cheating to quadflip on your other quadmates unless they reciprocate those feelings"
• "HEY EVERYONE FETISHIZING DCLG: ARE YOU AWARE HOW COMMON CULLER ABUSE IS?? STOP IT"
• "#justhighbloodcouplethings: planning your future thousands of sweeps into the future because you aren't going to fucking die in a few perigees"
• "you can't be anti-hemophobia and pro-hemospectrum lmao. the hemospectrum is an inherently oppressive framework and needs to be abolished entirely and the empire overthrown. no amount of cutesy 'rust or bust' jewelry is going to change that."
• "tbh the highblood/lowblood terminology is.....bad. not only is it OJTC (olive-jade-teal-cerulean) erasure but it emphasizes how much IPVFs (indigo-purple-violet-fuchsias) have manipulated our culture to establish themselves as the ruling classes."
• "genderism is a concept created by highbloods to claim that No Actually, THEYRE being oppressed by those evil differently gendered lowbloods"

 

On a vaguely related note I tend to headcanon younger Porrim as a needlessly aggressive feminist. She cooled off considerably during the game and looks back on her younger self with shame and horror. Coming across younger dream ghost hers over bubblr is just the worst thing. She's a sort of thematic contrast to Kanaya this way. Where Kanaya had to learn to be more aggressive and assertive, Porrim had to learn how to be less so.

Well no the worst thing would be dealing with the Beforan Discourse in full force.

 

Ruby thinks she can play the guitar. The rest of her team disagrees. She also cannot play the recorder, the piano, or the saxophone, but she's aware of those facts. She can, however, play three kazoos at once, at least for whatever standard there is for playing three kazoos at once.
Blake can play the harmonica really well, but is willing to kill to keep this a secret.

 

wait wait wait I remembered one of my sillier ones

Vriska loves Kenny Loggins' music, especially Danger Zone.

 

The members of the Incorruptible Library, after working and living there for a while, pick up smoke knight tier stealth skills. This is mainly so that they can move quickly while preserving the Library's silence for everyone else, and they're Igor-like in how they can appear behind you just before you ask for one.

 

Redwall human AU; half the characters are stoners. Why else would they have such an excessive food fixation even at times when there are bigger problems?

 

so, I once saw a dresden files fic about lara raith playing magic the gathering
it is now my stupid headcanon that literally every villain in that verse has some sort of embarrassing nerdy hobby. even the outsiders. yes.

 

It took me hitting "Blake" to realize you meant RWBY and not Steven Universe.