sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

Wrench can't hold his alcohol for shit. The dude has gotta be about 130lbs soaking wet, if even, and he's always either passed the fuck out or well on his way whenever we see him getting trashed.

Sitara, on the other hand, can drink, smoke, and snort seasoned veterans under the table. College was where she learned her secrets, and she will take them to the grave with your intoxicated corpse, probably.

Josh names every single drone he builds. Even the ones he knows will probably not get very far before being broken. He's got a system for naming that is esoteric as shit to anyone on the outside, but involves a complicated variation of expected lifetime and the canon number of speaking lines of characters from relevant series he loves.

 

I thought this was for headcanons, not things that are definitely canon. :P

 

When they're at their best, Pearl will drop the used teabag from her drink safe into Amethyst's mouth, occasionally watching her chow down amusedly.

At their worst, Amethyst will devour the entire box or tin of tea, staring Pearl at the eye and shaking her booty as she chews on the cardboard or aluminum, saving maybe one tea bag for Pearl to use. She might have put it in her mouth. There is much Pearl screaming.

 

APH nations don't actually need to perform most bodily functions; they don't need to eat to survive as long as their people are fed, homeostasis works weirdly for them as they can comfortably survive at any temperature within the usual weather range of their land, and if they do die they regenerate pretty quickly if their nation is stable. When they do eat for recreation, they can wish it away out of their bodies to nourish their soil in the same manner as nymphs in Tales of MU, which is partly where America's Big Eater tendencies come from.

Spoiler: period talk

However, those with uteri menstruate once a year as part of the process of autumn on their lands. This means all the AFAB nations in each hemisphere get theirs simultaneously (the Southern Hemisphere having the most AFAB nations). The side effects are stronger in those whose lands have stronger seasonal divides; those at the equator barely notice.

The narrator is Esperanto-tan and doesn't have a body at all, and all the nations are super jealous whenever something painful happens to theirs.

 

Ghost-type Pokemon are all perfect cinnamon roll friends with the sweetest natures of any type. Ignore the Pokedex. It is full of LIES based in unfounded prejudice.

 

they all died 'cause they were too pure for this sinful earth

 

Boss monsters can breathe fire, even if they can't do any other fire magic.

Toriel toasts marshmallows with it.

 

Josh is hypermobile and doesn't get bothered by folding or hunching because it feels more comfortable for his joints and muscles to fit that way.

 

Reinhardt is a massive cosplay nerd. He loves bombastic video game boss and monster designs, stuff that capitalizes on him being a fucking man mountain. He's not much of a craftsman himself, though, but he is pals with Torbjorn, who has no interest in Rein's nerd shit except for the part where he gets to make a staff with two chainsaws on either end or whatever ridiculous garbage Rein challenges him to make a functioning replica of. Torb likes a challenge and he likes praise and Rein's willing to supply him with both.

It's canon that Reinhardt watches D.va's streams, and he has the most legendary skins. The dude loves goddamned cosplay and nobody can convince me otherwise.

 

APH Belgium is drawn with cat-mouth, and I kind of like the idea of her actually having a slight cleft lip.

 

Torbjorn has a first aid kit among the gear he takes into battle. It ain't much, but it'll handle little things, tide folks over till they get to a real medic.

He does have a voice line about patching people up or something. I think in universe he repairs armor and gear in the field and maybe does a little amateur healering instead of handing out armor packets. Or! Maybe Torb is in charge of resupply, and his nest is just the place where you go to pick up more ammo and body armor and maybe get a scrape bandaged. Who's fast and sturdy enough to assist keeping everyone stocked up, tho? Maybe D.va. Yeah, D.va's quick and her mech can haul some crap around, I figure.

I don't actually know how stuff works, oops.

 

So Snagglepuss is a gay Southern Gothic writer now.

That's canon.

My headcanon is that he lives with Macon Ravenwood from "Beautiful Creatures" and they have piano duels and film each other and make hilariously shitty music videos of Nick Cave songs.

 

I am so incredibly fucking fine with this.

 

And the storyline is about him vs mcarthyism

 

APH: Korea's IQ is several points higher than Japan's, and he refuses to let Japan forget it.

 

In the Teen Titans cartoon, Raven, Robin, Jericho, and Rose (and Terra????) eventually form a 'Slade Is The Worst' club, for everyone who wants to complain about Slade and how very The Worst he is.

 

DnD WD2 headcanons:

Josh is the DM because he is intimately familiar with every rulebook and knows enough about his friends and the game to know when to throw certain rules out. Also he awards bonuses for particularly good roleplaying, and finds the pure numbers game part of it reductive at best; they would probably play 5th edition, because he knows that at least two of the members are just not going to have any idea how to play, and he figures they might as well start with the most recent shit. He paints miniatures for it and everything. Even if he doesn't need to.

Marcus has a couple campaigns under his belt and mains Bards. He likes dragonborn, orcs, and teiflings, but sometimes he rolls elves just to have fun with it. He likes wood elves better than drow, but finds high elves goddamn annoying; humans are just too boring for him to deal with, and he's got bad memories of some of the paladin players he's run into in prior campaigns. His PC would be a Chaotic Good Dragonborn Bard.

Sitara listens to some of the celebrity DnD podcasts, but never played herself. She thinks the drow are pretty fucking gnarly, but finds most of the lore sort of laughable at best; she'd go rogue just for a lot of the movement and stealth options, not to mention all the fun theivery. Her PC is a Neutral Evil Drow Rogue, crossclassed with Ranger.

Ray's never fucking played DnD before. He grew up around it. In theory, he should be the fucking expert. Has he ever played? No. He's played fucking Warhammer 40k but he hasn't played DnD. This absolutely baffles everyone else, and makes them all fucking lose it when they're trying to figure out characters. He'd be a Chaotic Neutral Dwarf Cleric, using the trickery domain.

Horatio played one campaign a while back with some coworkers through roll20, but it fell through after a while. He played 4th edition, so he'd have to relearn a few things, but he's well settled enough in the basics of the system to help everyone else out too. He's playing a Neutral Good Half-Orc Druid.

Wrench has never touched a fantasy book in his life. (This is a lie, he totally ate Harry Potter up when he was younger.) He refuses to learn half the rules. He wants to know if he can kill things, seduce things, or seduce and kill things, maybe not always in that order. Half of the campaign is just pointing Wrench's PC at things and watching the fireworks from a safe distance while raking up the loot, and everyone loses their shit every time he rolls because he has the ungodly ability to roll crits every single fucking time. Including critical failures. His PC is a Chaotic Evil Tiefling Barbarian, crossclassed with Sorceror. Somehow it works.

 

Macon Ravenwood (Beautiful Creatures) is responsible for the fishing website from the John Malkovich superbowl commercial.

He somehow resurrected Geocities and uses it to make ridiculous websites for a lot of different celebrities.

.....because he googled them and believes fanfiction is real.

 

Since Pearl doesn't actually eat, she's actually a pretty terrible cook. She knows what is and isn't nutritious (read up on that kind of thing for Steven's sake when he was about to move in), and could probably follow a recipe fine, but she'd be positively hopeless without any sort of guidance, and most of the Healthy Meals she's found are painfully bland. Steven's picked up enough tricks from Greg and Amethyst (though Greg had to explain to Ame that some things are not edible if you're human and she should not teach Steven to eat those things) that he can (and more often than not does) easily prepare his own meals, but Pearl still finds herself wishing she could cook for him better, just so she could treat her little boy every now and then.

(maybe if you tried actually tasting the food, pearl)

 

Between him, and Mercy who is let's face it a cosplay dork ... we're in trouble.

I still like the idea that Reaper is the one with the sewing skills.