sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

In the reality of the canon, most of them, I'd say. In the song, some of them, but everyone is doing something disturbing either way.

 

Steven loves to paint his nails and is quite good at it! He has a huge array of pretty nail polishes, collected over a lifetime of Greg being totally chill with him liking that kind of thing and indulging his interests; he usually goes for pinks or reds, but he has all sorts of colors.

He also once gave Connie a manicure to help her stop biting her nails, at her request. She left with very pretty teal nails and a big grin.

(He's also definitely painted Greg's nails. And Garnet's. He's very well-known for his mani-pedi skills.)

 

As of yesterday, I have developed extensive headcanons about which characters in an E10-rated game which contains no profanity of a higher register than "bastard" swear the most.

 

I've developed a lot of similar headcanons about SU, so you're not alone. :P

 

The Persona 5 protagonist has booped Morgana for the Cat Bothering Project.

 

Redwall Tumblr has a running gag about bearfights and I can picture this one happening:

 

We also concluded there would have been some selective retelling with regards to the cleanliness of Martin's dialogue. The adult woodlanders around him in his childhood were a tad busy to worry about bad language and I get the feeling the vermin talk like stereotypical lower-class Brits in more than one sense - among other things, using the big c-bomb as a non-gendered term of mild affection rather than a relationship-ending insult.

 

Some things I have decided definitely exist in the Darker than Black universe besides horrible Tumblr discourse:

• Gate-themed quack medicine ("Cure your cancer with this panacea taken from Heaven's Gate that the government doesn't want you to know about!")
  
• Anti-Gate-themed quack medicine ("Purge your body of toxic Gate radiation with this superfood juice cleanse!")
  
• Tourist traps in Tokyo where they swear you can totally see over the wall into the Gate (you cannot)
• Stupid tourists who try to sneak in to touch the Gate wall just so they can say they did
• A special PANDORA task force whose entire job is to keep people out of the area near the wall and have a "[X] Days Since We Shot A Stupid Tourist" sign in the break room

Hei has been sent to steal things from the quack medicine people before just in case they actually did get something out of a Gate, and spent the entire time thinking, "This is definitely a waste of my time, but whatever." If they want to have the Black Reaper steal sugar pills, that's on them, and he'll just chalk it up as an easy job, take the money, and go back home to his depression cave apartment.

 

Morgana, like all cats, has incredibly hard rock-like feet and gets back at MC for booping by sitting on his chest while he tries to sleep

 

(Mao sometimes follows the stupid tourists for the lulz, and because there's no instructions to keep cats out. His plan is that if Huang ever asks, he can claim it's recon on PANDORA's security. It is not. It is lulz, and also the fact that the guards sometimes give him fish out of their lunches.)

 

Latula is slim, but very muscular under that bodysuit; people are often surprised to find that she's way heavier than she looks. (Muscle is heavy!)

 

Spoiler: su spoilers

Pearl actually can't draw a proper circle.

 

speaking of SU, i've never watched it but apparently the door to the house keeps changing what side the hinges are on and also pearl or greg seem like the people who'd be repairing the house if the door gets broken (and probably pearl because she lives there) and amythest seems like the type to accidentally break the door a lot

so headcanon that pearl is deliberately swapping the side the hinges, and by extension the doorknob, is on every time the door gets busted down in hopes that all the grabbing for the wrong side of the door and "wait wasn't the knob on the other side" will make the door breakers reconsider breaking the gd doors

 

Riiight, accidentally. :P

 

pearl: i chime in with a "haven't you people ever heard of not breaking the goddamn door?"

 

It's much better to face these things/With punctuality, perseverance, and positivity.

 

Every version of Beast Boy, when startled or angry, does The Ghibli Thing.

 

when rationing spell slots aren't a concern, taako likes to shapeshift the way amethyst does - into weird, random shit for fun and mischief and petty pranks. he spends time making the forms as weird and random as possible. his favorite form is a snake with legs and wings that he uses to creep around no-access areas of the bureau

 

Jordi is actually really good at cooking and takes pride in it; probably makes a lot of high calorie, high protein meals because he's going to be using a lot of energy in his job, but is really good at making shit that's fast and downright gourmet. Has lots of opinions on wine just like he's got lots of opinions on suits, and he has NO shame in telling you about them.

The horrible eating habits of half the people he works with in WD1/WD2 just... appall him. You live like this? Really?

 

Some cooking headcanons of my own, because I love them:

• Vidalia is a pretty amazing cook when she has the time to make something nice, and even her simple stuff (like the noodles and butter in Onion Friend) is pretty damn good. Holiday dinners in her family are amazing. (And yes, she has all the Cool Kids over for those--Buck and Jenny look forward to them every year.) She passed a lot of her cooking wisdom down to Amethyst, which is a big part of why Ame was able to make such delicious food in Restaurant Wars.
• Steven is a damn good cook too, and has a real knack for picking out tasty recipes and finding things that'll work well together.
• Dr. Maheswaran is a terrible cook; her husband does most of the cooking in their family (which works out well, since her job keeps her too busy to cook regularly anyway). Mr. Maheswaran is passable but not amazing (his stuff is generally kinda bland, but edible), and Connie loves having meals at Steven's place because his stuff is just a lot more flavorful.
• Greg can barely operate a stove and is well aware that he's not a good cook. He's really proud of Steven for being able to figure all that out for himself; Steven, for his part, loves to cook for his dad as a token of love and appreciation.
• Lars is an excellent cook, in addition to being great at baking, and actually really enjoys it. He often cooks dinner at home on the weekends, since he doesn't have to worry so much about work or school then. He has a lot of recipes that have been passed down through his family, and enjoys finding new ones. His parents are both stellar cooks as well, and they would all often bond over making tasty food when he was young.