sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

I had to look up what that was, and I suppose my life is richer for it, but i still think this was very irresponsible of you to drop that in front of my innocent virgin eyes.

 

Oh man, sorry, I assumed the J.O. crystal was common knowledge around here. XD

 

(The sellers of the latter kind do get extremely evasive if they get something like a Ruby trying to turn into a Sapphire to jump up the caste ladder, though. They're a little too close to advocating treasonous rebel attitudes at the best of times and don't want to risk REALLY annoying the Diamonds.)

 

no, I'd heard of it, I'm just a dim bulb and couldn't connect J.O to Jerk Off and also hadn't seen a picture of the man and crystal in question.

 

he's just a bro who wants to charge his crystal, don't hate

 

I do like the idea of an earthbound Gem recruiting humans to jerk off with/near her like hey no it's for replenishing my energy i'm not a weird pervert haha i'm not even biological i don't have urges like that so just don't question me pull out your dick.

 

Insert that gif of Rose's creepy smirk here.

 

did you mean: amethyst, definitely

 

I misread Swerve as Steven, which I also agree with.

#it's 100% connie's fault #peridot is also a filthy hamsteak now and it's horrible

 

i just realized that this probably also counts as the type of headcanon that this thread is for :P

 

This would only apply to like modern day real life AUs but...

Jame can use chopsticks. Very well actually. However she needs someone to help her break cheapo pairs of them apart because otherwise she finds a way to always destroy the things.

Tori cannot use chopsticks but he is far too proud to admit this. He instead abuses the fact that he doesn't eat much and pretends to not be hungry unless he is offered a very reasonable excuse that allows him to eat without them.

Grimly is a fucking savage who eats with his hands as much as humanly possible. He can use chopsticks though and is aware Tori can't. He won't tell anyone because this is his best bud, and also it's hilarious watching Tori attempt to con people.

Grimly is furry scum and that is the name of his fursona. His actual name is something boring like Bob. Literally no one calls him this anymore in their friend groups. He is simply Grimly now. Rue has honestly probably forgotten what his real name is.

 

Greg's canonically huge record collection used to be even bigger; however, Amethyst has "borrowed" a lot of stuff from it over the years, and, being Amethyst, is not always the best at returning the albums she's taken.

 

Oh good, I haven't put Jordi DnD thoughts in here yet.

He's been playing since AD&D, but doesn't get a chance to actually sit in on groups very often anymore. If he was better at computers, he might play on roll20, but as it is now he just does one-off sessions in game shops around the country with whatever tabletop system is in play at the time. He probably prefers fantasy settings to scifi/modern ones, but most of the really bizarre oneshot systems leave him a little confused.

Honestly, he just loved roleplaying though. The heavier a group plays towards roleplaying and less towards numbercrunching, the happier he is. He's still pretty fucking good at the number crunching though, which probably surprises people a lot.

He showed back up in San Fran once and just casually joined a session Josh was DMing. Marcus still hasn't recovered from the heart attack he had seeing Jordi at the table as he walked in.

 

Jame: plays a Chaotic Good Elf Rogue, of course. Stumps the GM with questions about whether she can get away with off-the-wall stunts that seem to be allowed by a precise reading of the rules. The dice seem to be in on it; any roll the GM requires her to take, she passes.

 

But does Grimly hit on her character during sessions. Probably. He's also the bard player that actually poets during play.

 

Rezzed!Chara's voice is weird and clacky. Like a typewriter, or a mechanical keyboard.

 

this is a very silly headcanon that still makes me laugh, but it involves eating worms, so under the spoiler it goes

Spoiler

the premise: trolls eating bugs. worms being called dirt noodles because you eat them like fucking noodles.

the scene: dave and karkat on a romantic date in the rain, worms strewn across the sidewalk in an attempt to escape the flood.

the plot: karkat is a goblin who will not pass up a free snack, and starts hoovering those worms right the fuck up. dave is, like any sane fellow whose boyfriend just started acting like a fucking mole, disgusted. he goes back inside because the mood is deader than kanaya's pasty ass. karkat comes back inside like half an hour later, sated with his meal of delicious dirt noodles, fresh from the earth. he tries to resurrect the mood, to mixed success

"karkat no what the fuck don't kiss me with your worm lips"
"WOULD YOU PASS UP A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS, IF THEY LANDED IN YOUR FACE DURING A LEISURELY STROLL? I THINK NOT!"
"thats the most bullshit false equivalency ive ever heard in my fucking life"
(dave kisses him anyway. the phrase "i can taste the worm grease" is uttered no less than six times)

Spoiler: the chatlog that spawned this

baloneyfuck
karkat eating bugs is.......my favorite thing

biscuitshit
god
i hadnt considered but yeah that would be a thing wouldnt it, to some degree

baloneyfuck
YEAH

biscuitshit
imagine they go ona romantic nightime walk in the rain
and there's worms ont eh sidewalk

baloneyfuck
GHSLDJGLSEKJGLKRJG

biscuitshit
and it's like karkat just walked in on a buffet and he starts slurping them down
moment is dead before it had a chance to live

baloneyfuck
just hoovers™ them right up

biscuitshit
god
scuttles on the ground like a crab
face first into wormsnacks

baloneyfuck
the canon troll word for worms is dirt noodles. because they're fucking noodles, dave, and i will eat them
sgosrjglkslgjlrkgjlJGADLFKJGLSFK

biscuitshit
dave goes back inside and karkat comes in like a half hour later totally bloated

baloneyfuck
what would you do..........if a bag of potato chips flew right in front of your nose
SJGTSRLJGOWRIJGOSIRJGLK
don't kiss me with your worm lips

biscuitshit
oh my god
dave is like "that is the worst argument ever" to the flying potato chips thing

baloneyfuck
it's not even a troll thing karkat just eyezooms on any bug, kanaya behaves herself

biscuitshit
omfg yesss

baloneyfuck
terezi sees a beetle on a leaf though and eats the leaf too

 

speaking of eating worms

undertale monsters probably have no qualms about eating worms and stuff
frisk gets the weirdest school lunches but they're just like. "i wonder what is in my lunch today?"

this is a kid who will happily pay money to eat literal garbage, they're not gonna be grossed out by snail pie or whatever. they might gross everyone else out though.

frisk, at some point post-pacifist, probably: "there's snail in my sandwich!" *attempts to stuff entire sandwich in their mouth at once, fails*

 

In the new Wonder Woman movie, someone makes Diana a scabbard that accessorizes well with her armor and whatever the casualwear of the time is, and a similar harness for her shield.

 

Relatedly: Jade eats weird bugs on the reg