Suicidal Friend [All the Trigger Warnings]

Next day update. Save for one instance last afternoon of him angrily declaring that he'd "decided he'd had enough" (which was over very quickly, I stood by his side and he offered me some fruit and soon we were talking normally) the evening was actually very wonderful. Gui has been cooking almost non-stop and that's lifting his spirits. He talked a bit yesterday about what happened. He said he kept trying to find this huge kitchen knife (and it was actually in a drawer and he didn't see it) and kept getting angry at Will for "hiding it". He told us he did find it before the cops came, he just didn't get to do anything with it.

It's funny how much this is exactly like any of our hangouts. We're makin jokes and hugging each other a lot and eating good food and talking about our interests. I told him about the birthday present I have planned for him (in the hopes, I confess, that it motivates him a tiny bit to stay alive until his birthday in December) and about a painting I'm going to make of Gui and Will last night.

This morning Gui talked about how amazing fruit seeds are - how this tiny bit of DNA can turn dirt and sun into a tree. I don't think Will got it, but I did. When I was badly depressed I was encouraged to move forward by imagining myself to be a golem - just a lot of myd animated by the word "truth" written on it. I got the feeling he was expressing a similar sentiment - of life finding a way.

Not only does it find a way, we're also actually having a good time. It's a strange good time. Will said to me this morning "I know Gui is alive because he keeps sending me stupid 9gag links" and we giggled. I didn't put mascara on my lower lashes today because I'm pretty sure I'm going to cry before it's through, but I still had genuine fun showing off how well I contoured my cheekbones today.

I have so many thoughts and feelings I wish J could convey to Gui without making things worse, but I can't. I'm angry. I wanna know how the hell he could have thought that being alive with us was interchangeable with being dead. How he thought that leaning against his chest last night after eathing dinner and feeling his chest rise and fall as he breathed was somehow not wonderful.

I've never dealt with anything like this before and I don't think any of us have. I can feel it aging us and making us wise and sad and tired.

Everything feels beautiful here and yet there's this constant urge in me to remember everything as much as possible, because it's all going away. This morning as I ate breakfast the light from the kitchen illuminated my leg and foot just so against the kitchen floor and I was so transfixed by it I had to take a picture. I wish I was certain there will be other days like this.


Gui (right) and Will (left) last night in the kitchen/garden of Gui's parents' house.

 

Ugh ugh UGH. My grandmother called. I... I'd been making an effort to go to lunch with her every single weekend, because she's in really poor health and nobody expects her to live another year. And. With this thing, I completely forgot. I won't see her at all. I'll be here all weekend. I wanna cry or flip out but I can't do that because everyone is a the end of their ropes.

 

@wixbloom hugs to you
You can't be everywhere at once. No one thinks you can. There is still more time.

 

@wix, try to do something else with her as soon as you have time. See it as taking care of yourself, explain. People will understand.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're doin your best.

 

Next day update. The grandma situation actually had me excusing myself to literally go cry in a corner. Will found me and talked to me about it. Yesterday was really calm overall. We went to the supermarket without Gui's parents, we cooked an obscene amount of sushi together and ate it all in the garden. Then Gui's mom did my nails (they're beautiful now, lazuli blue with cute little white flowers on each index finger) and I did her makeup and taught her some makeup stuff. Then the guys told us that back in Porto Alegre (our hometown, 1hr away from where we're staying) they had arranged dinner with a friend named Luana, and they asked Gui's parents whether they should go or cancel. We decided that me and the guys were going and then returning the same night, and that's what we did.

Now, this Luana. I am certain, absolutely certain, that she is God's way of answering the prayers I've made the past few days. I won't go on a huge tangent about how much I admire and am grateful to her after hours talking together. But she's a survivor of all sorts of horrible things, she's wise as fuck and didn't mince words, but she also helped us all and promised us that by Monday she'll have gotten Gui the best possible therapy to do an emergency intervention with his stuff - because his current psych is absolutely incompetent. When Gui started telling her what happened, I somehow felt so relieved, so certain that this would be someone who could help, that I was finally able to (after excusing myself saying I was going to the bathroom) just cry, cry, cry, cry. I bawled for what felt like 10-15 minutes straight, finally letting out all my sadness and fear and anger.

She also talked a lot about how she felt and how me and Will were feeling. And it was the first time I finally felt able to tell Will and Gui how fucking angry I am that it took 3 days for me to hear what had happened, and this only because I insisted in remaining with them after our lunch date together on Friday. If I'd gone home then, I still wouldn't have known that my friend is in danger. Luana also said I'd be having to cope with a lot of guilt. I said "oh yes, but I'm aleready choking on how much guilt I feel, so anything else will honestly not make a difference right now". She also talked about how mad it makes her that Gui had promised he'd reach out to her, and didn't, and that allowed me to voice how also he'd promised he'd reach out to me and didn't.

And I didn't get to talk about it, but I did get to finally admit it to myself - how much I feel like he promised he'd reach out to me whenever he needed it only because he wanted to get rid of me and have me stop fussing over it. And how much I am a fucking idiot for having fallen for that and all the time I was posting here my friend was in danger and I was an idiot to not have checked on him. How when he didn't answer my phone calls for 2 days I should at least have called his boyfriend. How I let myself believe the situation was less dire than it was. And how I can't help but feel like I was lied to as well - and it makes me afraid of how much hope I'm having right now.

But I'm having a lot of hope.

 

I'd cut the above post a bit short because I'm using Will's laptop, but he told me to stay on as long as I want, so I wanna add more stuff.

Yesterday Gui had a small tantrum. He seems to be having eating disorderish thoughts as well. He kept saying he was going to make himself throw up because he was too fat and had eaten too much rice. He didn't follow up at all, just kinda threw himself on the floor and lay there. Me and Will lay down next to him and the 3 of us ended up napping together on the floor like baby kittens. Pictures were taken. We all got lots of pettings and kisses and paps from one another, and when Gui woke up, he visibly felt a lot better and hugged us both and told us he loves us.

Last night, too, we were all in really high spirits, we got to laugh a lot and talk about travelling and cats and food, and I think the 3 of us had the most amazing night's sleep we've had in a while. Gui woke up seeming very happy - hugged all of us tight, told each of us that he loves us, ate french toast happily - but he got moody again when his mom suggested going to a park this afternoon, all of us. He'd been thinking of just taking me and Will to a nearby fun fair and ride all the rides (yesterday he'd been really thrilled with the idea) but he got so sullen even that didn't cheer him up. He's now having a Long, Serious Talk with his parents.

Spoiler: Parental Bullshit

Tension with them has been escalating because Gui is childish around them in a way he isn't when he's around friends, and because frankly his parents are entirely ill-equipped to deal with this. His mom has suicidal tendencies of her own and has been getting kinda convinced that suicide might not be that bad an idea, as well as getting mad and frustrated at him for everything, and his dad just tries to stay out of the way of everything. Will and I are staying waaay out of this discussion. It seems really necessary.

 

More hugs, Wix. I'm sorry all this is happening.

 

Upd8: Gui came back from talking to his family, got hyped up to make luch, then when he went into the kitchen his mom was moping and he whiplashed, said "I'm going to sleep" and went to bed. After consulting Will, I followed him. I asked "Can I come in? I won't say anything, just stay with you". He said yes, I took off my boots and climbed into bed with him.

I really didn't think we were going to talk, but he immediately started opening up. Basically he has some codependency issues with his mom since she too is mentally ill, and it frustrates him that he can't Be Upset in front of her because it makes her worse. I told her that is not his responsibility.

I gave him codependency 101 advice: he can't take responsibility for how other people feel, and for his own sake and hers he'll need to exercise some detachment: realize she's bad, but do the thing anyways rather than asking her about feelings he can't help her cope with. I said "Even right now, that's what I'm doing with you. I'm not here because I want to change how you're feeling. I wouldn't be able to if I did, and I'd sacrifice my sanity trying".

He then told me he feels his parents are stagnant and aimless since he left and how bad that is. I said "I think I understand what you're saying. You're struggling to find reasons to continue living, and then when you see them like that, it makes you feel like getting older offers nothing to look forward to". He said yes, exactly. I told him he has resources his parents never had, and an awareness of the problem that they probably never developed, because they're products of a time in which people didn't usually think "what cool things can I start doing when I'm 60?".

I also reminded him that there's lots of other people our parents' age that he can look to. I reminded him that last night we'd talked about setting goals and making plans, and I gave him this homework: make a list of people 40 years old and older who have lots going on in their lives, like our friend Luana or my grandma.

That helped. He's now up and cooking away at lunch, and after that we'll go without his parents to the fun fair and play with the bumper cars and go on a rollercoaster :3

 

@wixbloom which city are you in rn? I can give you the contact info for my therapist in Sao Leopoldo and my psych in Porto Alegre, and my mom's - she works with a bunch of psychiatrists at Unimed and I'm sure she can forward you and your friends to doctors available, and like put you or your friends in a closet spot if you need anything soon-ish if you tell her you're my friend.

 

@witchknights we're spendig the week in Porto Alegre. I would appreciate contacts. He's going to talk to clinic people tomorrow. We just hope they can offer affordable prices because Gui and his family don't have any health insurance.

 

@wixbloom i'll PM you with my info!

 

When it rains it pours.

Spoiler: Parental Bullshit

Not soon after I posted, Gui's depressive mother had a meltdown. She straight up said to his face that she regrets him ever being born and that having him was a mistake. At which point I stood up and firmly sent her away. I'm proud of myself for not getting violent. I'm shaking with pure loathing just thinking about it. I wanted her to fucking drop dead instead of saying something like thag to her son. We returned to Porto Alegre soon after - to my house, in fact, which is where we are now. His parents came with us by car and it was the most horrible and awkward trip I've ever had. His mom couldn't stop crying.

I was so angry. I AM so angry. I feel like all the progress we managed to make this weekend has been lost. I fully expected Gui to try to kill himself again when we got home. I still have plans to hide all my knives because he's probably gonna stay over for a couple of days. But he was surprisingly OK. There's a lot of horrible stuff but at least now it seems to be out in the open. The guys did my dishes for me, we ate a lot of pizza, popcorn and tea and are now watching Spirited Away together.

Will asked me if watching over Gui won't fuck up my week. I said "What's going to fuck up my week is knowing my friend is suicidal. Being near him will just make it better. For all that this weekend has been a rollercoaster, it would be a lot worse to be away from you guys and be unable to intervene and help." We made plans.

Spoiler: Gender Shit + Rape Mention

Now, here's the thing: I'm dealing with my own flipout. Tomorrow I have a gynecologist appointment, which will be horrible because gender. It will also be horrible because it'll be the first time I go to one since I was raped back in '11. I'm sure I'm not going to be ok tomorrow. I fear I won't be able to take care of my friend how I want to. I really need to be comforted right now.

 

Oh Wix. Again, you shouldn't have to have this terribleness in your life, I'm sorry that I can't really help in any way other than talking on the internet :hug:

 

That was a "witnessed" like. I wish I could offer something more comforting than internet hugs. Here's a cute dog?

Spoiler: Puppy

 

Another witness. Im so so sorry that this is all happening. Wishing you tea and hugs and nice things. Please take care of yourself too, you are v important.

 

Haha it's 1am and I have this tight coil of anxious panic in my gut. I'm going to try stimming with my yarn stash a bit and see if that helps. The 3 of us are sleeping in my bed because sofa less comfy, but I feel like an annoyance and a waste of space there. I am getting more and more panicky as time progresses and of course now I'm also having insomnia. I might use the time to discreetly hide all my knives and medicine, though.

 

It did. I got back to bed and reminded myself that I'm safe and my loved ones are all safe sleeping in warm comfy beds tonight. Will, Gui and I are cuddling sweetly and awkwardly as we sleep huddled. We keep doing hilarious things like trying to caress the other's chin and accidemtally hitting their throat, or trying to gently stroke someone's hand and actually tickling their elbow. It feels good.

 

It's 10am. I'm the only one of us who is out of bed, and to be honest I was reluctant to get up because once I did, all the stillness and peace and balance of the mment faded away. The world seems very ugly today. I talked to my grandma and to Luana. She offered to host the guys after 2pm. Thing is I want them with me, but so they csan give me emotional support, and right now I don't feel I can ask that of them. We're all struggling. I don't get the choice to not feel my pain, but I think it's fair to spare them from it. I don't wanna make them get up, but I really need to know what toexpect from today which means we need to talk about it. Luana said I can call her to talk later if I want and reminded me to be brave and keep my chin up, and we'll all get through this.

 

Hey, if you need someone to chat, i'm totally here for you ok?