Suicidal Friend [All the Trigger Warnings]

Witnessing your dear friends be in such distress is tiring and awful and hurts you too, so there's nothing wrong with you for needing and wanting comfort and for things to be better.

I think Luana is right and I think that you can ask her for help and to listen to you as well. And we're here too. You're doing very well in communicating what is going on and how you are feeling, which I hope helps you a little too.

*more hugs*

 

I'm gonna add that I will totally be open to chatter. Do you want my email?

 

@witchknights Thanks for your offer, I'll keep it in mind. Also as for your PMs (I can now articulate this a bit better) Gui will already have 2 psych appointments with different docs scheduled this week. I think it's wise to wait for those to pass before asking him to brave more therapists. Hopefully he finds what he's looking for before me having to call your mom or your therapist (or my therapist, who is also an option), but I'm very thankful that you generously gave us some more options :)

@hoarmurath It is helping. I may not be able to express a ton of gratitude for everyone's replies, but I am thankful.

@emythos I'll take you up on that offer

General upd8: Gui has a class to teach in 2 and a half hours and after that I'll be home alone probably for the rest of the day. After my appointment I'll probably have dinner with my mom and then we'll see what the next step is. We had a huge enjoyable breakfast and are now all petting my kitties.

 

Also, because posting these on After Dark made me feel better:


The pile of sushi we all made together on Saturday. This is all vegetarian and absolutely delicious, though there was a temaki so filled with wasabi in there that when I ate it I thought I was going to die.


We all rolled the sushi together. In this pic, left to right, are Gui's dad, me and Gui. I'd never rolled sushi before but turns out I am really good at it!

Floor cuddling part one (Will on the left, Gui on the right)

Cuddlepile. We kept stroking and smooching each other's hair and hands.

When we got up, we all hugged and told each other "I love you", it was very good and important.

Yesterday was shitty but the sunset was incredible. This was the view from Gui's parents' house a minute before we got in the car.

Last night, watching Spirited Away after having stuffed our face with a large broccoli & cream cheese pizza.


This morning after breakfast, just cuddling and watching the cats.

 

The guys left 3 hours ago to go home and to the gym and stuff. Which means for the 1st time since Friday morning, I'm actually in control of all that's gonna happen. You'd think that would be good, but really I just wanna hide under the covers for a thousand years. I have no spoons and I need to go to the doctor. I can't find the strength in me to do anything and yet somehow I must. I just want some rest.

 

Get some sleep, seriously. Make some tea, drink some tea, sleep.

 

@emythos Thanks. I'm gona have dinner with my mom and then that's exactly what I'll do.

 

Spoiler: Medical Fuckery

Gui had an appointment this morning with his incompetent current shrink. The woman prescribed a cavalar dosage of fucking lithium out of nowhere without ever having a blood test done, without knowing Gui's weight or size, without explaining to him what it's for and what are the possible side effects. Everyone is appalled.

Spoiler: Parental Bullshit + Medical Fuckery

Tomorrow he has an appointment with this same nutjob and his nutjob parents - friendly reminder that 2 days ago his mother said she regrets ever having him, yaaay! He's terrified the shrink will commit him to an institution against his will. We - Will, Luana and me - reminded him that he has other mental health professionals on his side to keep that from happening, and also that an involuntary committal has to be well justified - she can't just commit him because he refuses to take lithium before getting a second opinion.

Speaking of which, me and Will are right now in the waiting room of what we all hope will be Gui's new therapist, well-recommended by Luana herself. Will is taking a nap and I'm using the time to write this update. Eventually, Will will also get called into the room, since he is the one who witnessed Gui's suicide attempt.

I am so nervous about all this. Seeking doctors, esp. new ones, is hell. I reminded Gui that he does have options if he needs them, and that we'll help him no matter what, but oh God. I just want to know my friend is in the hands of someone who can actually help.

 

Gui has been in therapy for 3 hours now. I hope everything works out. I hope he's safe. We now have explicit instructions to not leave him alone at all, period, which probably means recruiting more people to help. Will was called to go in too since he was the one who witnessed the suicide attempt. I feel very tiny and stupid and isolated in the waiting room. But that won't matter if my friend finds the help he needs.

 

Liking because it's the closest I can get to hugging

(My phone autocorrects hugging as huffing, which would have drastically changed that sentence)


You sound like you are being a really good friend, and I hope the new therapist works out way better than the previous one
(Seriously, wtf)

 

Excellent news: Gui says he'll stick with this new therapist. I'm so relieved I could've fallen to my knees on the floor when he told me (luckily, I was sitting down already). To me, that in a way is the biggest problem taken care of.

Not that trials and tribulations are over. He still requires 24/7 observation, and this will get harder and harder to provide as college and work progress. Also, tomorrow is the appointment with nutjob psych and parents, and Will and I are worried and, to be honest, pissed off, because this is NOT being done for Gui's benefit, those three idiots are gonna fuck with his head and they'll offer NO help picking up the pieces afterward. Helping Gui is not a burden, but trying to undo the fuckups of others over him in this already fragile state sure is.

For now, though, we're celebrating our small victories. Will and I made veggie hot dogs, Brazilian style with homemade tomato sauce, straw potato, sweetcorn, green peas and grated cheese. We also bought him some of his favorite treats: macadamia nuts, fancy coffee and a peanut butter flavored popsicle.

He was very thankful for the food and also thanked me for braving the waiting room with them for 3 hours. We were in really high spirits tonight. We tucked in early, though. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.

 

Wix, I'm so glad things are getting a bit better. More hugs.

 

Today's update: I woke up to Gui smooching me goodbye and heading off to a tutoring session (he's working as a tutor, I was sleeping on his couch). Hung out with Will a bit, then was left alone in the house. Tidied up some, did my makeup, got dressed. Gui took half an hour to return, so I got worried, called him, he answered normally and I managed to pretend I'd called just to ask how class had gone. Then he asked for help with his resume - on of the homework tasks Luana gave him was to send his resume in to apply to English teaching positions and to send it to colleges as well to apply for a doctorate.

This brings me to a tangent of cool things that are happening: Gui bought a notebook where he can make lists of tasks and has discovered the joy of checking off items in lists. He's been looking for a new apartment, too. Will thinks that's unrealistic, and while I don't necessarily disagree, I think it's nice because it's the first time I see him actually do something about not liking his current place, instead of just complaining about it. I'm also not sure if Will has ever done apartment hunting on his own... in fact, come to think of it, I'm not sure if Gui has, either. It seems to me that he's slowly letting go of his escapist fantasies where he was just going to go get a doctorate abroad and open a café in Europe with Will and make a home there forever, and is instead looking at realistic steps he can take to make his situation better here.

At lunch, we talked about his impending thing with the crazymakers.

Spoiler: Parental Bullshit + Medical Fuckery

Will told Gui that Gui's insane mom has been sending him some really aggressive messages. Gui said "I will not feel guilty if she is committed to an institution after today". I said "you shouldn't" (though I really don't think that's gonna happen, un fucking fortunately). I also told him "I don't know if I should be telling you this, but... when you're there, keep in mind that your goal is to protect yourself and your mind. Nobody in there is going to be trying to do that - they should, but they won't." These words seemed to really resonate with him. I said I wasn't trying to make him paranoid, he said he understood.

I reminded him that he does have me and Will to watch over him and take care of him, and he can count on us.

Will is gonna be waiting for him outside after the appointment, I won't be able to because I have my own therapy and then dinner with my dad and bro, but I told them I'll be available for calls all day long. And, also, that from 6pm to 7pm (my shrink time) I'd prefer he didn't call unless there was an emergency. We agreed on the following system: if Gui calls and it's inconvenient for me, I can hang up without remorse. If Gui calls, I hang up on him and then he calls again, it's an emergency.

I also have encouraged him to talk to Ana, my ex, our dear friend and the other member of the DnD crew, who so far doesn't know about what's going on. Ana has a very bubbly, heart-in-her-sleeves, childlike personality, and I get the feeling that depression has been alienating Gui from her. I'm afraid I had a couple of chances to handle this particular problem better than I've done so far, too - but this is an issue for me to discuss another time. I reminded Gui that she's a trustworthy, loyal friend who cares deeply about others and who will definitely help, and that we'll need to expand the current support network a little bit once I return to work, which will probably be next week.

Before the week is out I want to see Will take a break to go spend the night at home with his family without us, which he hasn't done for an entire week. It's kinda seductive to romanticize ourselves as two young people with limited resources who can triumph against extremely unfavorable odds. I get caught up in that kind of fantasy myself, and I imagine Will more so, as he's the one who's been accompanying the process closer and for longer than anybody else. This isn't the first time that I reminded him, though, that we're not just friends helping someone we love: we're also a mental health resource which should be managed wisely, and it's up to us to do that. Will bottles up his emotions a lot. I've yet to see him cry or even look shaken - mildly annoyed or tired at most. Gui actually is getting well enough that he's concerned for how exhausted Will is. He told Will today: "we're doing teamwork: you pushed my foot up for me to climb, and now that I'm a little higher up I can extend my hand so you can come up too".

There's more stuff but I gotta get dressed and leave for my appointment.

 

You guys are doing so well. Like A+.

Well = doing things and going forward even though it's scary and awful and his parents aren't being good parents and so on.

 

@hoarmurath That was so encouraging to hear!

I do worry, though. Because:

List of Worriesome Thoughts

1) We don't really have the structure to provide this kind of help continuously. When my work starts again, for instance, I won't be able to be physically there half as much. Hence the "get more people to help" thing, but...

2) Though every single therapist tells us he should be under 24/7 watch, we actually have to let him go to the gym or to tutoring all alone because we can't continuously dog his steps. Even with more people, there's honestly zero chance we'll be able to do that. So far he has made no attempts to kill himself and he appears to be progressing, and all we can do is hope that the occasional freedom does him good instead of giving him chances to plan for another possible suicide.

3) Gui's shitweasel parents are also being tightwads with money, so what happens if he needs a prolonged hospital stay or something? In my honest opinion a week in a competent institution would do him a world of good, but I don't know if there's a chance of that happening. Hopefully his new awesome therapist talks some sense into them. I think me and Will should also at least try to convince them to get health insurance. But beyond all that...

4) All his apparent forward progress may be just a way to make us lower our guard enough that he gets an opening and tries again. Alternatively, it can just be the lull before he gathers up the energy for another attempt. And even knowing that, we do grow more complacent and hopeful when he shows signs of progress such as printing out his resumé.

5) For all that, though, Gui is hella strong. I can't help being hopeful even though I know it'll just make the fall that much harder if he tries (or God forbids, succeeds in) killing himself again. I know that guy and he is a force to be reckoned with - he is disciplined and brave and just the right amount of stupid and obstinate and angry and full of fire to insist in butting his head against obstacles he can't possibly overcome. And this one, I really think he can.

 

I hope that all of this works out. Still, pretty reasonable to want to keep watching him. Is there anyone else you can ask to help?

 

@emythos Our friend Ana for one, and I think Luana should be more consistently recruited. Beyond that, I'm going to sit down with Gui and/or Will tomorrow and make sure we make an actual list of people who can help, and then call those people.

 

That's good! Get as many people in as you can so you've got back up/ a second wave for when you need a break.

 

I am glad it was.

*offers more hugs*