Super General Advice (the thread for advice without making a thread)

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by NevermorePoe, May 8, 2017.

  1. theambernerd

    theambernerd dead to all sense of shame

    You should hopefully in a normal friendship be able to bring up that something makes you upset without any drama about it- things that upset you that much should be something a friend should care about you enough to at least avoid bringing up around you. In personal experience it's better to bring such things up irl if possible to avoid tone miscommunication- if you're like me and tend to clam up during irl confrontation it might be good to write down something script like to help as well!
     
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  2. KingdomByTheSea

    KingdomByTheSea Well-Known Member

    @theambernerd thank you! I'm perpetually worried I'm being petty or whatever by bringing up stuff that bothers me, so it's good to get a reality check.

    My only problem is that I see these friends like once a month, so bringing it up in-person wouldn't happen for a while. I'm leaning towards just telling them they're bothering me the next time something like this happens irl, but ugh, I'm still so pissed off about this.
     
  3. LadyNighteyes

    LadyNighteyes Wicked Witch of the Radiant Historia Fandom

    New apartment is within easy walking distance of a grocery store: Good.

    I have not regularly walked significant distances carrying a heavy backpack since high school and it's the day after a grocery run and my back hurts: Not so good.

    Anybody have advice for back ache prevention or mitigation beyond "take some ibuprofen and try not to make it worse"?
     
  4. kmoss

    kmoss whoops

    I love heating pads for that. a lot of my advice is gonna come from getting groceries while wearing a binder, with occasional HellJoints.

    So, over time, back pain should get better- especially if it's hurting now but doesn't usually. you're using new muscles, basically, and they're surprised and a little pissed off.

    there also are probably exercises you can do to Strengthen the back muscles that are achey right now, but don't exercise those till your current back ache subsides. I do not know what those are, but I feel like the internet has a bunch.

    Also, if you can just redistribute the weight, it could help. depending on where you live, most grocery stores can sell you smaller tote bags and reusable grocery bags. even if you're technically carrying the same weight, carrying some of it in different bags will cut down on back stress

    good luck!
     
  5. TwoBrokenMirrors

    TwoBrokenMirrors Merely a whitebait in the mayo of life

    wheeley trolley things you drag behind you like an old lady. i love those.
     
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  6. vegacoyote

    vegacoyote dog metaphores and pedanticism

    (I just posted this in its own thread, but then I found this thread, because of course I post in forums without reading the stickies, what else would I do? Anyway it goes better here. Requesting to delete the old-new thread.)

    So yesterday I exchanged phone numbers with this guy who had given zero indication that he was interested in anything other than letting me know when Pokémon raids were happening, except that turned out not to be the case because he latched onto me for the rest of the day and appears to have concluded that because I have tits and did not run away I am his girlfriend now.

    For most of my life, the majority of my energy in social situations goes into forcing myself NOT to scream at people to go away and leave me alone, or use too many nonverbal cues indicating that I want them to go away and leave me alone, or that I want to scream at them or run away or tell them to stop making mouth-words at me, because all of that is Very Rude.

    I have been doing this so long that I don't know if I can actually make myself tell someone to go away and stop bothering me.

    This guy Seems Very Nice, and also Very Autistic, and also appears to be using the tactic where if he doesn't ask me to be his girlfriend I can't say no.

    He looks a bit older than me and he stands too close and also I do not find him attractive.

    He tried to talk me out of going home. I told him my cat would be mad since I was gone all day, and when that didn't work I said my mom was making dinner, and then he said I should just tell her I was going out and when I shook my head he said he wanted to come home and meet her, and the only way I ended up being able to peel him off was by agreeing to go out with him tomorrow, which is today.

    I suppose I could be considered partly to blame in that I did not directly tell him I did not want to go out with him, but then, he never directly asked if I wanted to go out with him, just said "We should/you should," and since I'd said I wanted to go home and he found this unpersuasive I figured any non-concrete reason such as "I want" would be similarly ineffective.

    ... the more I talk about this, the more red flags I am seeing.

    Anyway if I end up going out again with him my mom's going with me.

    ... goddamn it. The group raids were otherwise really fun. I want to have fun playing pokémon, not be filled with dread and dodge lonely singles.
     
    • Witnessed x 6
  7. Chiomi

    Chiomi Master of Disaster

    Wow, that is hella creepy of him. Like, wow, yeah.

    Can you tell him that you're interested in pokemon raids but you don't have time/energy for much social stuff otherwise?
     
  8. vegacoyote

    vegacoyote dog metaphores and pedanticism

    Man, I don't even know. He hasn't contacted me since yesterday. We didn't agree on a time or place. Currently I am hoping he conveniently forgets I said anything about seeing him today.

    Either way my mom's coming with me if I go pokemoning downtown again.
     
  9. sirsparklepants

    sirsparklepants feral mom energies

    That sounds really uncomfortable :/

    In a situation like this, here's approximately the Appeasement Dance I tend to do to avoid negative reactions, although it can be worded less nicely if you so choose.

    If he texts you about meeting up for a Social Event, I'd reply with something like "before I answer, I wanted to ask you something. I got some signals when we last met up that made me think maybe you were seeing this differently than I was. I'm not interested in a relationship (right now/with you), and if you were, I really don't want to lead you on."

    If he replies that yes, he was interested, you can say "oh I'm sorry in that case I don't think we should meet up one on one, I don't want to make things uncomfortable"

    If he replies no, he wasn't, you can go "oh this is so awkward! I totally misread things and I'm embarrassed. I don't think I can meet up with you after this one on one, sorry. Gotta work on my social cues!"

    If he asks why, you can say something like "well when we did x you were kind of in my personal bubble more than someone who wasn't attracted to me/than I was comfortable with"

    Basically, if you make him tell you one way or the other, you've eliminated the loophole he's trying to use. I'm super self effacing in these types of situations, but you obviously don't have to be. And seeing how he reacts over text should be much less scarier than in person.
     
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  10. vegacoyote

    vegacoyote dog metaphores and pedanticism

    So, he called around 6 as I was going out with my mom. I told him that I was going to a raid, told him where, he said he had been there and had already left because there weren't enough people and I should come to the raid where he was, I said I was going to the one I was close to and then I was going to dinner with my mom, he asked what my plans were later and I said I hadn't decided. Then I hung up so I could look for the raid and nae else did I hear from him this day.

    I had him on speaker. Mom said he didn't sound very autistic, and I told her he doesn't make eye contact and only talks about pokémon.

    Man. I just wanna play the frickin game. Don't wanna deal w this shit.
     
    • Witnessed x 3
  11. Personally I would say being blunt and honest is the best option. Tell him how you feel as a result of his behavior and give a clear ultimatum on what has to change. I understand that upsetting people is not fun and feels bad, but your own feelings and comfort have to be your priority. If he's making you uncomfortable he has to stop.
     
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  12. vegacoyote

    vegacoyote dog metaphores and pedanticism

    So, went on the offensive today. Found a raid, texted him about it, he messaged some other people, ran out of time before he showed up, found a different raid, went to that one instead, talked only about pokemon.

    Was psyching myself up to say the thing, but he got to it first and asked if I was interested in dating him. I said what I had decided to say before, which was that I was not looking for a relationship right now, I just wanted to play the game, and sorry.

    He seemed to take it well? He told me he thought I was beautiful, and otherwise stopped pushing. I was headed home at that point anyway.

    I don't interact with members of my own species often enough to do this without flipping my shit.

    *edit* He brought his sister to the raid today. It is possible he went to her for advice. He was much more chill today than he was before.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2017
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  13. Verily

    Verily surprised Xue Yang peddler

    I'm with @TwoBrokenMirrors on the wheelie thing. I lived in a dorm where the nearest grocery store was exactly the right number of blocks away that it was a judgment call whether you'd be in more pain holding everything while waiting for the next train in the evenings or just trying to lug your gallons of milk under your own power. Luckily there was a hardware store nearby that sold collapsible wheelie metal shopping carts. Like this:

    [​IMG]

    Lots of people used them. It may not be the sexiest look, but it definitely helps transport more groceries with less pain.
     
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  14. Salted Earth

    Salted Earth DISOWNING DOESN'T STACK, ASSHOLE

    A word of caution: definitely get a relatively heavy-duty metal wheelie if you're going to be carrying a lot of cans/other heavy stuff. I used to use a cheap one from the grocery store, with a cloth bag and a flimsy metal frame. While I was carting several bags of cans home (because I lived on canned goods when I lived alone), the wheel broke midway home. It was too heavy to carry the bags on my own, so I was stuck dragging the wheelless wheelie inch by inch two streets back to my place. Very painful, very mortifying, and probably not the safest thing given I shopped after dark.
     
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  15. Lambda

    Lambda everything happens so much

    Lately I've been seeing that post going around about library books potentially having bedbugs, which is bothersome because libraries and immense anxiety are not a good mixture. Does anyone here do the books in the freezer thing they recommend?

    Like, for one, if you're leaving them in there for days you don't have time to read them, and they might get dripped on? (I know they recommended big ziplock bags, but those might not be big enough for hardbacks). And also the general issue of living with someone who would go 'why the fuck are there books in our freezer', and not having enough room.... and also the problem of 'if I'm carrying those books in my bag, wouldn't that basically infect it' and so on

    does anyone have any thoughts about this, I don't want to suddenly be afraid to go to the library
     
  16. Lissa Lysik'an

    Lissa Lysik'an Dragon-loving Faerie

    Gallon size bags will hold even the biggest (modern) books and they don't let you take out the ancient books, you have to read them in the library.
    Days is not needed. Bed bugs is not resistant to cold. put a small baggie of water in the middle of the book - if it is ice, it's been long enough (in US freezers, 4-6 hours will get it as cold as it's gonna get).
    Bed bugs from library books is NOT common (there is no studies showing it is even a problem).
    If you is still worried - get gallon size ziploks. Before putting book in backpack, put it in ziplok. Go home. Freeze for hours. Take out and read. Return safe book to library when done. Toss ziplok into trash (well, could do that as soon as taking book from it).
     
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  17. We have a mouse in our kitchen, currently trapped in the cabinet under the sink. Somehow they are able to get in and out of there. We want to get the mouse out of our house without risking it getting loose in the rest of the kitchen. The cabinet has two doors that open out and sideways, that go from top to bottom. Does anyone have any ideas?
     
  18. vegacoyote

    vegacoyote dog metaphores and pedanticism

    Live trap baited with peanut butter. Make some noise to startle it away from the doors and slip it in quick. You can press something flat under the door you're opening to keep it from running out the crack- it probably won't run directly at you.

    Drive at least five miles away before releasing it, preferably somewhere wild-ish and away from other houses.
     
  19. Currently I'm at work, the cabinet has been sealed with zip ties, and the mouse's location is unknown.
     
  20. The mouse is dead.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
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