Super General Advice (the thread for advice without making a thread)

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by NevermorePoe, May 8, 2017.

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Page 67 of 94
  1. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    people can percieve asserting your boundaries as being a dick, which makes it hard to work out where they are if you're not among people with a healthy concept of boundaries. especially if you were trained by abusive situations to feel like you're not allowed to have boundaries. when you break out of that, you tend to go too far the other way, and try having 'boundaries' that involve hurting or coercing others. it's a known failure mode. it's just part of working through a complex element of being a social animal.

    the way i'd explain healthy boundaries is... well, it's really hard to put it in a nutshell. but i guess i'd say, knowing that you belong to yourself, you are responsible for your own behavior, and you have a right to your own thoughts and feelings and body. you have the right to assert things like, "don't touch my face, I don't like that." and, "do not borrow my things without asking." and, "i don't have to tell you my life story if i don't want to."

    your boundaries are all about you. they're not about anyone else. so you don't have a right to, for instance, tell them who to be friends with, even if you think they're being absolute jackasses about it. all boundaries give you in that situation is the right to remove yourself from the situation.

    you have rights over yourself, but not over anyone else. i reckon that's the core of it.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2019
    jacktrash, Sep 23, 2019 at 4:57 PM
    #1321
    • Agree x 7
    • Useful x 3
  2. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    another thing is: having healthy boundaries will not always produce a good result socially. because sometimes people get upset or offended even if they're otherwise pretty stable. i actually dumped an old friend when i was in my thirties, and one of the reasons was that he would NOT stop grabbing me around the shoulders and shaking me. it was just a thing he did to people, he'd put his arm around you and give you a shake. he meant it affectionately, but he'd often do it without warning, and i've got some PTSD about that sort of thing, and would sometimes hit him pretty hard on reflex, which upset him and everyone else, and made me look like a real asshole -- so then i'd have the option of explaining to a bunch of strangers about my history with bullying and homelessness and some minor gang warfare, which is a story they had no right to, or just letting them think i was a violent jerkass. after i explained this, he agreed to stop... and then didn't. he just kept doing it.

    there were other reasons also for my dumping him, like him being an alcoholic, and talking some cis-gay bullshit about me being trans, but the Won't Stop Grabbing thing was a big part of it. he wouldn't respect my boundaries. so even though we'd been friends since we were 15, i had to cut him off. it sucked. but it was necessary for my mental health.

    i'm telling this story to tell you, i guess, that if you lose a friend because of asserting a healthy boundary, you're not a fuckup. but some people will casually go "oh if they didn't respect your boundaries they weren't really your friend" and that's bullshit. this guy really was my friend. he had problems but so did i. it's ok for me to miss him. it honestly sucks that i had to stop being friends with him. but that doesn't mean i was wrong to stop.
     
    jacktrash, Sep 23, 2019 at 5:07 PM
    #1322
    • Agree x 4
    • Witnessed x 3
  3. sirsparklepants

    sirsparklepants feral mom energies

    I'd agree that boundaries are things that are inherently about you. My grandpa used to say that "your right to swing your fist ends at the tip of my nose" and I reckon that's about the size of it. A healthy boundary is something like "I will not be friends with someone who makes racist jokes" or "I will not be in the room if the conversation turns to politics" - they may appear to be about someone else's behavior, but as enforcement of those boundaries is either getting up and leaving or ending a friendship if someone doesn't respect your wishes, you're not controlling anyone. You're giving them a choice. If they choose to continue the behavior that you find uncomfortable, that's up to them, but you will then choose to not be around for it. In general, if the root of the boundary is controlling others, it's not reasonable, but if the root is controlling your space - yours, not a public space - then that is reasonable. Although sometimes you'll have situations where two reasonable boundaries conflict, and that sucks.
     
    sirsparklepants, Sep 23, 2019 at 5:16 PM
    #1323
    • Agree x 7
    • Like x 2
  4. vuatson

    vuatson [delurks]

    anyone know how expensive it is to fix a blown head gasket on a Camry? or how difficult it would be to do it yourself? I'm eyeing this one on Craigslist for $900 but I don't want to end up having to drop several hundred more dollars on it immediately yanno
     
    vuatson, Sep 29, 2019 at 4:03 PM
    #1324
  5. sirsparklepants

    sirsparklepants feral mom energies

    I Am Not A Mechanic but I have heard my mechanic friends talking about how a blown head gasket is sometimes a repair that costs more than a car is worth, especially an older car, so I'm willing to bet that it's well over $200, probably way, way more than that.
     
    sirsparklepants, Sep 29, 2019 at 7:11 PM
    #1325
    • Informative x 1
  6. Chiomi

    Chiomi Master of Disaster

    Parts probably a couple hundred, labor probably $1500. There are tutorials on Youtube, so it might be worth looking at them to see if you'd be up for it.
     
    Chiomi, Sep 29, 2019 at 7:19 PM
    #1326
    • Informative x 1
  7. vuatson

    vuatson [delurks]

    tutorials look well beyond my skill level unfortunately. ah well, there are a bunch of decent ones for a couple thousand.
     
    vuatson, Sep 29, 2019 at 7:50 PM
    #1327
  8. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    yeah, if it was your dream car it might be worth it, but don't do it for a camry. those are freakin disposable.
     
    jacktrash, Sep 30, 2019 at 11:28 AM
    #1328
    • Like x 1
  9. hyrax

    hyrax we'll ride 'till the planets collide

    anyone have any recs for upright stationary bikes? slash, any stationary bike that takes up a minimal amount of floor space?

    i really want a stationary bike so i can actually do cardio during the horrible michigan winters, but i live in a small apartment, so i need one that doesn't take up much space on the floor. an upright style one seems idea, but they also tend to be much cheaper, and i don't want to accidentally buy something shitty. anyone have any brands etc that you'd recommend?
     
    hyrax, Oct 1, 2019 at 12:44 PM
    #1329
  10. Chiomi

    Chiomi Master of Disaster

    If you have a regular bike, a stationary trainer tends to be fairly cheap to get, and holds your bike upright in place and folds flat when you're not using it.

    If you don't already have a regular bike, sorry, no recs.
     
    Chiomi, Oct 1, 2019 at 12:56 PM
    #1330
    • Informative x 1
  11. hyrax

    hyrax we'll ride 'till the planets collide

    i do have a regular bike, but i don't have enough floor space for it in my apartment. i was looking for something more like this:

    [​IMG]

    or anything else that takes up a minimum amount of floor space.

    i could get a bigger one, and just move furniture around when i want to use it and fold it up and put it away when i don't... but also, i know myself, and if i have to move my heavy coffee table every time i ride it, i. won't. (let alone the "out of sight out of mind" adhd issue.)
     
    hyrax, Oct 1, 2019 at 1:00 PM
    #1331
  12. vuatson

    vuatson [delurks]

    so if, while putting a filling in one of your front teeth, the dentist gets some of the filling stuff onto the adjacent tooth such that there is no longer a space between those two teeth (except a little hole at the base)... that’s bad, right? like it’s not actually supposed to be like that? for one thing, it’s physically impossible for me to floss there now, not that I would have anyway
     
    vuatson, Oct 4, 2019 at 7:50 PM
    #1332
  13. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    yeah they should fix that for free
     
    jacktrash, Oct 5, 2019 at 1:02 AM
    #1333
    • Informative x 1
  14. vuatson

    vuatson [delurks]

    ok good, i have another appointment there in a couple weeks anyway so i’ll get them to fix it then. though perhaps i should go to a different dentist considering this one didn’t even notice this had happened when it did :/
     
    vuatson, Oct 5, 2019 at 5:36 AM
    #1334
  15. vuatson

    vuatson [delurks]

    hey real quick question: is it worth going to a job fair if
    • I have no resumes printed out and no way to print them in the next 3 hours
    • I own no dress clothes other than some shirts so I’d be wearing one of those with dark jeans, possibly (but probably not) a neon yellow tie, and my least beat up work boots because I have no nice shoes either
    • I dun wanna
    the job fair is for miscellaneous post office things.
     
    vuatson, Oct 5, 2019 at 11:10 AM
    #1335
  16. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    i think it's worth going to gather intel, and might be a lot less stressful than if you were actually trying to get a job.
     
    jacktrash, Oct 5, 2019 at 11:22 AM
    #1336
    • Useful x 1
  17. vuatson

    vuatson [delurks]

    I actually do want to try for one of their holiday season jobs, but this probably won't end up being my ticket there lol. didn't realize how unprepared I was outfit-wise until this morning. this is why I want a job in the trades, you're supposed to wear jeans to those interviews!

    guess I'll drag myself out there. if nothing else I'll provide a nice contrast to boost all those suit jacket-owning bastards lol
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2019
    vuatson, Oct 5, 2019 at 11:31 AM
    #1337
    • Like x 1
  18. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    One thing which I think was a partial cause of previous problems I've had is that I am not able to trust my own judgment. The problem is, my own judgment is often genuinely not good. What's a good way to improve on both of those things?
     
    ChelG, Oct 5, 2019 at 6:17 PM
    #1338
  19. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    those are two different problems.

    time and thought will improve your judgment. i don’t feel up to getting into the rest of it now, bc i’ve got a cold or something and am half asleep, but i thought you had a thread for specifically that discussion already. considering ‘making lots of threads and scattered posts when you feel insecure’ is a thing you wanted to stop doing, this is me shooing you towards that thread. :)
     
    jacktrash, Oct 5, 2019 at 7:41 PM
    #1339
    • Agree x 1
  20. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I don't remember making that thread. Will check.
     
    ChelG, Oct 5, 2019 at 7:54 PM
    #1340
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