Discussion in 'General Advice' started by paladinkit, Jul 18, 2016.
Okay. Thank you!
parks myself in this thread, will potentially state my boat later
I'm actually remembering that even when I was less disabled, when I was younger, that everyone around me kept pushing the agenda of "If you can't sell it it's not worth doing". Like. I was just starting to learn to draw and I was being told that unless my time was monetized it wasn't worth pursuing. Which would mean not getting better at all. I've continued drawing ever since if only out of stubbornness and so that someday I CAN monetize it (I've gotten a few commissions over the years and people are interested as I improve so I count that as a success in the right direction!) and otherwise because I like it so much.
But holy crap, if I was already falling apart mentally and the body was in the process of falling apart as well, and they were pushing the letter that hard (not just my mom! My PARENTS IN LAW. My in laws pushed just as hard it was nuts) I can't imagine what they'd think now. Because I can't always even do that, stubborn insisting or not. If they're shouting that at mostly able folks, I'm amazed that there are still artists and writers, and now I understand why it warms my shriveled little heart so much to see other disabled and mentally ill folks Doing Things They Love no matter how small or how often or not.
i'm physically okay ish. i'm out of shape so that limits what i can do in some ways. but in my case it's like 99.9% mental fuckery... severe depression, anxiety, maybe adhd, maybe autism, maybe other stuff. and idk what to even.. do..
Spoiler: this got venty
i'm in a lucky position where my gf doesn't hate or shame me for NOT working. my other housemate also doesn't work but he has chronic pain and MS. so in my head it's always 'well he doesn't work either but he has a -real- disability. i'm just worthless'.
i've literally never had a job. i haven't even tried that hard to get a job. even trying in the past has been such an overwhelming anxiety ridden experience that when i did put in applications i just prayed they wouldn't call me back, and none ever did.
i feel incredibly shitty and worthless for never having had a job. i hear people talking about spoiled kids who don't work. and people who work for 'something to do' in derogatory ways. and i just. idk. i don't feel like i'm spoiled. i feel like i literally can't work. i feel like if i was homeless and had no choice but to get a job, i'd do it, but it'd absolutely destroy me. i'd never 'get used to it'. it'd always be really, really hard on me.
i have massive problems with executive function. when people talk about low spoons food and shit for example, even some of that stuff seems like a gigantic spoon drain. i'm literally in 'i can shower myself everyday but feeding myself has to be something i can grab or microwaveable for it to happen at all most days' territory. i clean up after myself but anything more than that is Too Much. and not every day. i don't know when the last time my room was vacuumed. i just do laundry once a week and tidy up the kitchen when it feels like i'm going to die from the anxiety about the mess, since i'm the only person that cleans up in there and it builds up fast.
i can't handle people well. i can't handle situations where there are more than a couple of people who are relying on me for.. something. i can't even handle friendly people like nice coworkers, let alone negative experiences with people. i can't do eye contact. i can't do fake sincerity. i can't smile and nod and be fake friendly. and this isn't even 'i can't until i learn to do it', it's literally 'i just can't and never have been able to'.
idk. i feel like garbage. i know people always say like, you know, a lot of people are scared of this stuff, and you have to step outside of your comfort zone! but it just. it doesn't feel like that's applicable to me. i'm not exactly comfortable. i'm scared and feel worthless all the time. i feel like everyone is judging me and thinking i'm lazy when they know that i don't work and know that i'm not physically disabled. all i want to do is get enough executive function back to be an adequate home maker and maybe do some stuff out of my home for money. learn a skill and sell shit on etsy or something. or even just do mechanical turk.
so i used to work at summer camps and babysit and stuff, and the people i was working for 1) fucking loved me, 2) were progressive as hell, and 3) had money leaking out of their ears. so it worked out great for a while. like my boss at the summer camp paid us all a living wage even tho it was signifigantly higher than the minimum around here. (if i was working like a more normal job that would be less of a Thing but like, it was summer camp)
but now i cant do that anymore because children are disease vectors and as much as i like working with them the risk is not worth it. and i dont have the energy for kids and my brain is getting worse and worse and i physically can't do CPR anymore and like. it's really frustrating. the kids liked me! the parents liked me! i got paid well to hang out with kids! i was useful! and needed! but now i cant do that kind of stuff anymore. and i have. very little other employable skills. and im tired and weak all the damn time. and i cant stand up for too long. and my lungs sound like death even when i feel okay. idk. sadface. my parents are okay supporting me but i feel bad because my mom is retired and now my mother is also considering retirement (they are both above the retirement age) and also a teacher so we're kinda on a fixed-ish income
and also. like. my depression gets set off often by doing nothing. like the mere act of not being productive fucks with my head enough that i know if i start doing things that feel productive it'll get me out of a spiral. sighs.
So... Aside from ADHD (which is treated!), I don't know what my deal is yet (ideas, but don't know for sure). I've always been a little behind in self-care (or so I'm told), but lately, it's just taken a huge dive.
Spoiler: actually let's cut this
I haven't cooked for myself in weeks (sort of did, today, for the first time in ages), so my diet has gone all to shit and is 90 percent microwave food, my car needs an oil change (and before that, needs to be cleaned out, so I can take it for an oil change), my house is unacceptably messy, I still haven't bleached my hair, my nails keep getting too long until I break one, and I haven't even drawn or written anything in a couple of weeks, among other things. I have no idea what my deal is and I just... feel bad about it. I'm tired all the time, or there's just kind of a disconnect somewhere. It's possibly worse than it was before I started taking Adderall.
... but my work performance hasn't suffered, at least not visibly! In fact, I got a promotion, it'll be official tomorrow. I don't want anything to do with it. But I was like this in college, too. I feel like the only thing that lights a fire under my ass is someone else's expectations for me - I better damn well not disappoint them, or else. But I just... totally fail at rising to my own expectations. I want to be Perfect, and have a Spotless Home, and ... it's just not happening.
Also I feel guilty for not meeting my expectations and it just snowballs. I dunno. It sucks. Why am I like this. Things were so much better in a structured environment when I had someone else breathing down my neck constantly (as much as it also sucked).
@Hatchback you should look at the habatica thread! i admit i haven't tried it yet myself, but from reading the thread and also your post i think you might find it super helpful? here:
The past couple of days I have been really in a funk.
I turned 25 this year, but I feel like a sorry excuse for an adult. Like I go to college, but I just know that I'm an example of one of those losers who doesn't have a job or a car, lives with their parents, etc. but I am trying my best? I feel like my life would be so much easier if I could drive, but I have such a difficult time judging time and distance so it is a non stop panic attack. Every time someone talks to me about driving I flash back to all the times I would have gotten in an accident if someone else wasn't in the car with me.
and right now I feel like I'm fucking up on every level, even with school which is the one thing in life I'm good at. My response to stress has always been to bunker down until it goes away but my avoidance behavior is just making everything worse. It's agonizing trying to push through it, and it takes forever, no matter how badly I want to.
Thank you, I will! It couldn't hurt!
okay, more spoons now, so, my boat: psychosis, depression, BPD, STPD, ASPD, other personality disorders, how do I have so many, anxiety, ADHD, autism, chronic fatigue, PTSD...DID (or something that sure looks a lot like it)...auditory processing disorder...did I get everything? I think so...
basically, my big issue is just that I have such a giant amalgamation of brainweirds that it's near-impossible to do anything. I struggle to shower, because depression and psychosis and ADHD and executive dysfunction and chronic fatigue. I struggle to do chores because executive dysfunction and chronic fatigue. working makes me suicidal, thanks, depression, so working is next to impossible and feels like a huge goddamn task but at the same time I feel like I'm not doing enough because if I just sucked I up and suffered I could work. my DID is getting manageable, but I struggle in every other aspect of my life. I have a hard time with college and classes because of ADHD and autism and auditory processing disorder and depression, and I struggle with basic daily tasks thanks to STPD, BPD, depression, and psychosis. I even struggle with doing fun things because of my brainweirds and chronic fatigue problems. I have to nap at least once per day, and I struggle a fuckton with sleep because of my chronic fatigue--if I don't sleep around twelve hours per night, I'm dizzy, exhausted, headachey. but sleeping twelve hours a night means going to bed at fucking eight o'clock at night if I want to do anything at all ever. I have violent thoughts because of ASPD and psychosis, and I feel like I want to hurt people, so interacting with others is often out because I'm afraid of what I'll do to them. I even struggle with simple things, like eating food, or changing my clothes. I will wear the same clothes for three days, because STPD and psychosis say it's fine, and I listen to them. I don't know what to do anymore. I can barely manage college, I struggle a ton with any minimal task, I can't work a job without being suicidal...I just...I'm at such a loss of what to do these days.
thought i'd finally try post here aaaahh ;;
i don't have the spoons to write a shoal lot but! my boat (38D!!!!!) is depression, autism, chronic fatigue some kind of dissociative disorder and possible bpd ;;
i just hardly ever have the energy to even go out on a regular basis, i'll forget basic self-care stuff like eating regularly or brushing my teeth a lot of the time and i guess i struggle to sea myself as a person with a future too - any possibubbleties like college seem so far off from the state of my health now, no matter how much i'd love to be able to do them. tumblr was my main coping mechanism to feel like i could at least help cheer people up and have some sense of purpose, but i saw somefin super upsetting a whale back there, a reely bad alter fronted and started telling ppl to die and awful stuff and now i'm scared to go back there reely;; it's made me feel even more purposeless and i'm just getting tired of having nothing to do, whilst knowing trying to do the same things most people do would be impossible for me at the same time.
I've noticed a division lately in the POTSie groups I'm in on Facebook, to the point of just. Not wanting to interact at all with them, even if some of them understand.
Spoiler: Bit of bitching. It's frustrating.
There's the whole classism thing first off, people saying that if you can't shell out insane amounts of money on your own or have top insurance that you don't really want to get better (and in as many words that you're not trying hard enough and don't deserve to get better. fuck those guys.)
Then there's just the difference in how it affects us all. I don't faint and my blood pressure is fine, I automatically don't count in more than half of the conversations at all. Because "YOU DON'T FAINT, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS." I don't know. But I could literally start knowing at any time, with this. It's not a club I want to belong to if I had a choice because it's so dangerous to faint so easily, but all the other symptoms? ALL THE OTHER SYMPTOMS, WE ARE THE FUCKING SAME.
Then there's the "I'm holding down two jobs, raising a family, and getting my degree!!" people in with the "I'm surviving, I managed to make my own lunch and wore pants and got my mail ;7;!!" people and the "I'm in the intensive care unit for another three weeks because they can't make the worst of this stop" people which makes everyone start in fighting like it's a pissing contest. If you're not pushing yourself to death you're not working hard enough, according to some. If you're not at death's door and unable to reach the restroom anymore you're not sick enough, say others. There are so many comorbidities that of COURSE nobody will be identically affected. I'm also one of the only few people with a personality disorder in there, and it makes it even harder to cope with the random pushes of drama or weirdly religious things out of nowhere.
We're all sick. We're all miserable. Not all of us are disabled and I'm so proud if you don't feel the need to use the label, or you got better! But please, fuck, I hate it when it turns into the oppression olympics IN A GROUP MEANT FOR SUPPORT AND COMFORT.
I MADE LUNCH AND LOADED THE DISHWASHER!! :DDD My heart's doing something new and not exciting and i want to opt the fuck out of that but!! DISHES. NON-SMELLY KITCHEN. Ahhh I've been needing to do this and I got it done!!
@TheMockingCrows - Ugh, I've had similar experience elsewhere, and it really rankles my hide. This shit's endemic to a number of ostensible support communities. It's like... can this be a stitch 'n ... grouch and not a contest? You're defeating the purpose entirely.
It sucks about your heart doing a freakout, but congrats on the gettin' shit done!
It really is a hell of a phenomena. You'd think with a condition that's so wide spread but so under-diagnosed/misunderstood we'd have more holding us together but I'm p sure I could take a lot of snippets of bullshit out of context and have it sound like screeching PTA mom battles.
Actually that sounds fun, if I've got the energy sometime I should do that. x3c
::pulls up a chair:: can I join? I mean... I have difficulty in school (but not to the point where it affects my grades?? so weird) and I have difficulty working sometimes, but like, not too recently, I held two jobs while volunteering and it's phases of my life like that when I convince myself that I'm not disabled, that I can work and do all the things, but when I was working two jobs? You should have seen my apartment guys... it was... atrocious.
Anyways, I guess my disabilities includes schizoaffective disorder depressive type, anxiety, PTSD, and possibly autism. I'm also hard of hearing or something is going on with that because I need subtitles and I ask for people to repeat themselves A LOT.
I struggle a lot with being productive and feeling productive so I tend to swing on the other end of the spectrum here and overwork myself into breakdowns. I hope when grad school starts I don't run myself into the ground...
Far as I care, anyone who is being hit with something that's giving them a hard time to the point of affecting their day to day life and how they are able to get things done, or limits them from what they're told they need to be capable of doing by society and thus struggling/distressed, is welcome here. :U Our ships are different models, but we're all in the same fleet of "THIS IS HORSE SHIT. ..... but look at what I -did- manage to do!"
i understand the overworking thing, man. The instant I feel well enough to do a thing, I do 20 things because at heart apparently I'm a very industrious douchebag but I'm a very dumb one because "spoons for one thing" is not "spoons for 20 thing+" and then I get set back. Best part - I NEVER LEARN. I hope when grad school starts that you're able to find a pace that works for you so you don't crash your ship! D:
@everyone new: you are all very welcome here
as for me right now: that multiply disabled feel when one thing starts letting up in time for two things to come crashing down on you, and you push everything in your life back yet again to "when this clears up," with the sinking feeling that you'll just repeat this again in a week or so when you trade out what's fucking you up most at the moment yet again
-slides into thread-
My boat is the thing of 'I know I am probably far too disabled to work full-time and look after everything myself with no support, but my only other option is starving to death'. I don't necessarily know all the things wrong with me - medical care in this part of the country is hilariously incompetent - but includes low blood pressure [so, the dizziness, why], chronic pain, weird mental health stuff, etc etc etc. And just never having spoons.
But because I'm not literally dying in a noticeable way right now this minute, there's totally nothing wrong with me and I totally need to just suck it up and work. :| [Currently just graduated from college and frantically jobsearching.]
Anyone else have and absolutely hate the "I'M TOTALLY FINE, I CAN DO THIS" :halfway through thing: "OH MY GOD I WAS WRONG, BUT I CAN'T STOP TILL IT'S DONE, END ME WHERE I STAND." ???????????? bc that is happening right now and i am very much sadface behind the urge to collapse.
Kintsugi is based on the premise that nothing anyone can do or say makes it okay to treat them like trash. By logging in, you affirm that you understand this to be the foundational premise of the community. More on our community philosophy here.
Separate names with a comma.