that one really weird thing on your mind that is making you laugh your ass off

read this twitter thread i'm dyin

The ontario conservatives have a feedback form where u can "report" teachers who teach sex ed/health more modern than the recently reintroduced 1998 curriculum (they trashed the perfectly good 2015 curriculum because uhhhhh???? something something consulting parents)


So of course you gotta send them shitposts

 

You know, that didn't even occur to me. I just sent a serious post about my concerns about the 1998 curriculum.

So this time I sent them the woolly mammoth sex scene from one of Jean Auel's books.

 

Spoiler: nsfw words, lorge image (non-word part of the image not nsfw)

from this video:

context for said image starts around 14 minutes in if for some reason you don't want to watch a half hour of film history

 

The trend for eldritch angel designs is making me picture the men of Sodom showing up with pitchforks and torches demanding to know in the literal sense what the hell Lot has in his house. I'm fairly sure that's blasphemous but it's also hilarious and I'm determined to do something with that idea.

 

Me

 

This lobster vessel

Spoiler: brace yourself

It's the same face I make when I'm enjoying myself and then someone pulls out a camera and says to act natural.

 

"I'm frosting the inside of the oven."

(Context: Yesterday, I started cleaning the oven by applying a baking soda paste to the inside. The instructions just say "wet the baking soda enough that it's spreadable", and suggest using a spatula. And the consistency I ended up with was sort of...frosting-like.)

 

The r/legaladvice subreddit has a bot that started experiencing issues the day before yesterday. They tried to shut it down with... mixed results.

Or, to quote one of the mods, "DIE DIE DIE YOU UNKILLABLE BASTARD".

 

Boyfriend started T today! I'm super hype for him and excited that he finally gets to do this.

Here's the list of things we've called his T so far

Shots, shots, shots
Beard Juice
Boy juice
Pure Liquid Lumberjack
Chest Hair-oine

 

Remind me, I need to make a joke about the pharmacist “doing shots in the training room” next time they do a vaccination.

 

More names for testosterone!

Lem-man-aid
“T-bone? Idk Im not good at this.”
Me: would calling it a cocktail be disengenious?”
Pun master friend: I don’t think anyone would get testy about it

 

also guest appearance from cat zuko if u watch to the very end

 

Skeletitties

 

I have another joke I want to test on you guys.

I kind of believe in creationism. Not for everyone, just for me. Everyone else evolved from apes and is doing fine. Me? I was obviously created by a wizard from arizona green tea, a handful of deli meat, and the sheer concept of anxiety, because there's absolutely no reason a creature who is the culmination of six billion years of evolutionary success should leave Target empty handed because she was afraid the cashier would judge her for buying nothing but eight boxes of gummies and a single pen.

 

another joke because it's that kind of night

I keep trying to be gay, but really bad at it. Like, I'm trying, but it keeps not working. I've had three people come out as trans after I started dating them. THREE. That's three times I tried to get a girlfriend and ended up with a boyfriend instead. I don't hold it against them and it doesn't change the way I feel about them. I still loved all of them just as much after they came out. But fuck. It shouldn't be this hard to be a lesbian.

 

One more, because I'm in a fucking mood.

sometimes i feel really stupid. I was 25 and a half years old when I learned that swans and geese are different animals. That's ridiculous. That's unforgivable. I should have known that at least three years ago. But I can console myself with the fact that at least I'm doing better than my brother. He turns 28 in a week, and he still doesn't know what updog is