like what the fuck kind of disordered thinking is that i just have a high libido. id like to fuck, but like, if she isn't in the mood its really nbd
fuck we both wanna be together but I can’t let her know I know she regrets it without admitting I read her vent thread
yeah. basically what she told me yesterday is that she keeps making me sad (wrt her depression and anxiety) and it’s unfair to even date if she’s gonna be “like that”. which is not true...what I said was unfair was to put all of the onus on me for being her support. she then said that she’s indecisive and hates that about herself, so she’s going to be decisive and finally break up with me so I can be happy, which .-.
y e a h it’s not the first time she’s attempted to end the relationship due to a depressive episode, but this is the first time she actually...said she’d follow through with it. in the past it was “I’m breaking up with u :(“ “really?” “no I just feel bad about myself I don’t actually want you to go” and its been literal years since she did that, and we’ve both grown in that time and I thought we were better?
also like...how do I explain that the reason I felt bad when she was depressed was because I felt hyperempathy for her? we’re both autistic and I’m generally a low to no empathy person, but damn if I didn’t somehow feel it for her
okay she still wants to be friends, which. yay. I forgot where I was go- oh yeah. I think I’m thinkjng about her more now than I did when we were together. WHICH IS NOT WHATs supposed to happen I am in physical pain over this lol, it doesn’t help that I’m actually sick with a cold
she thought she’d be causing me less pain by breaking up with me which is just expressly not true but whatever
I’m always like an inch away from tears and every time I see the words “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” I feel like I’m two heartbeats off a panic attack lmao
Spoiler: for gross? i had some revisions done on my top job today and I was conscious the whole time!!!!!! it feels great watching your flesh get snipped and then smelling it burn as it gets cauterized. and then because you weren’t actually all the way numb, feeling the needle as you’re stitched back up. pain level around a 2.5 after 4 Advil a little bit ago. but it peaked at 5.
Spoiler: nsfw poor decision note to self: don’t fucking jack off when you literally just had surgery. it doesn’t feel good after you cum.
it doesn’t hurt any less she’s mad at me and I deserve it for being an asshole. I’m trying to push her away so she stops relying on me for her mental health care but it’s hard I don’t wanna be mean, but I have hyperempathy towards her and I just can’t she’s suicidal again and idk how to handle it
like. hm. i kinda feel bad that my ex reminding me about the handful of times i fucked up with them over four years was what actually spurned me to do it, but those feelings are neither good nor productive so i finally apologized to my cousins for how i treated them six years ago. there are no hard feelings from the older sister. she's in the us navy stationed in japan rn, which is...not a development i really foresaw, but idk she seems happy, and my political opinions can wait for another day. i'm glad for her. the brother remains to be seen, and he's the one i fucked up the most. i don't need or want his forgiveness, i just hope he's doing okay (and that he's grown and matured as well. the last i talked to him, his political views were skewing towards white supremacy soooooooo..but that's still no excuse for what I did.)
