That's so SO: A Thread for Relationship Antics

This needed to go here too:

 

D ate the buffer slice of bread in the bag, help I’m having a crisis

 

I can’t believe you put up with me darling <3

 

Me: *making dinner somewhat late, and quite hungry as a result*
Me: *plates pasta, sauce and cheese, pours self a glass of cold apple juice, stuffs carton back in fridge, goes to FINALLY sit down and eat*
Husband: I'll have a rum and coke-
Me: *pauses mid-sit-down, glares*
Husband: -if you're... making drinks?
Me: *continues to glare*
Husband: ...I'll just sort myself out, shall I?
Me: *nods, finishes sitting down, EATS*

 

Don’t Ask For More Things Once I’ve Finished My Hour And A Half Of CookingAnd Finally Sat Down Are You Even Human What The Fuck

 

Spoiler: Sex mention

Me: *cheery train conductor voice* Next stop blowjobsville!

Him: *suspiciously* Wait.... are you really taking me to the dentist and just lying?

 

Wyrm’s back at it with the dad jokes, oh my god

Her: You know what I’m gonna do today?
Me: What *are* you gonna do today?
Her: I’m going to experiment with making cold coffee.
Me: Ooh! I see!
Her: No, just chilled. ;)
Me: wh-
Me: ugh
Me: uuuuuughhhh
Her: *making the smuggest face since knifecat*

 

Husband: I am going to go to bed in 30 minutes. It would be nice if you were in bed by that time, with a cup of tea.
Me: I'm going to assume you also want a cup of tea to be made for you.
Husband: ...yes! That.

 

(all speech has been simplified to read better, please imagine very long loading pauses between words and phrases)

Husband, coming in to my room: Have you made pasta?
Me: Maybe. What's it to you?
Husband: My dinner. Have you done dishes and put pasta on?
Me: No.
Husband: Despite me telling you to do so two hours ago?
Me: What you actually said was "you may do dishes and put on pasta, at your discretion".
Husband: Right. I should forget, you have no discretion. I should also remember, that you have no discretion. Go do dishes and put the pasta on.
Me: Okay!

It's been one of those "lost track of the only braincell we share that can start tasks" sort of days

 

Spouse, talking to housemate about a board game: Don't worry, the math is so simple even a gay can do it!

We then all broke down into cackling laughter fits

 

two aces ft. auditory processing issues

Me: yeah, I need a cookie break.
Aki: a what?
Me: a cookie break. Cookie.
Aki: OH. I thought you said "quickie" and I was like "well I'm not helping you with that."
Me: *starts wheezing*

 

To the aloe on our mantelpiece in an interrogative tone, while gently prodding it: “Do you piss? Are you good?”

A scrutinising pause. Again, to the aloe plant: “I love you.”

Spoiler: Context

Wyrm’s adventures in houseplant ownership has seen her discover that some plants weep at night. More of the plants do this than she expected. The aloe is among the few plants not vaguely drippy.

 

Sometimes when I find particularly funny things online I go to husband's office to quote them in person.

Me: So this one twitter post is like "How to write? Make a gay little man. Then give him a problem." and a response on tumblr, "Fanfic is like: If you can't make your own gay little man, store bought is fine!"
Him: Who?
*some confusion*
Me: Store bought...? Like, bought in a store?
Him: Oooh!
Me: I thought you were familiar with the clichee, "if you can't make your own pasta sauce, store bought is fine"?
Him: I was, but you were not familiar with proper pronounciation.
Me: I mean, if you hear "if you can't make your own X", doesn't your brain go there automatically?
Him: The way you said it, I thought it was some Homestuck character.