(mods feel free to move to one of the mental health forums if necessary) Edit: This is a thread for anybody with BPD to ask for advice or share ideas. It's not exclusively sid's bitch thread because I already have one of those in the holler closet :P What do you do when you get that empty/fake feeling? It's happening a lot lately (esp. with Pride Month stuff being so ubiquitous right now) and usually it kinda subsides on its own but I'd love to hear how other people deal with it. I know distraction is supposed to be the big cure-all for BPD feels but are there specific types of distraction that work better for emptiness specifically?
If you have any fandoms you're especially into, I'd recommend looking for fanfiction and reading as many of the well-liked ones as possible. That's my preferred distraction for emptiness, that and watching cartoons.
I was wondering if you could describe your empty feeling? I dunno if I can help, but if I can I would like to. I'm just not sure what you mean when you say empty.
I'm probably the last person who should be giving "advice," but whatever. I usually feel better after wallowing for a bit, and then writing. Putting it down in a notebook makes me focus, and the act of creating words forces me out of that headspace. And then I sleep, if I can, because sleep is my number one way of ending a dissociative episode. ETA: it has to be physical writing. Typing doesn't really do it for me; that's more if I'm angry and/or overwhelmed and just need to get it out. Pen and paper writing is good because I have to think about creating letters and how they connect, and it doesn't end up being as ranty, stream of consciousness-y as internet typings tend to be since it takes longer.
I only recently (within a few weeks of being diagnosed, back in March) learned that it's commonly described as emptiness by BPD patients, that's not a word I would have necessarily chosen for myself. But it's basically feeling like I have no identity and that nothing I am is real or carries weight or "counts". Like I'm not a member of any groups and I don't fit in anywhere. It's exacerbated by being just kind of on the fringes of a few identity groups, but not really in any of them. (e.g. I count asexual as LGBT+, but it's kind of a fringe member of the larger group because I don't get to bond with LGB people over the experience of loving the same sex.) Identity politics has fucked me over a lot but I remember feeling this way since long before I ever got involved in that stuff. Ooh I think I might try that. Thanks.
Ah, okay I think I understand. Does talking to people in groups you want to feel included in help at all? Not like, randos who may or may not concider you a part of the group, but like more friendly type people would say you are a part of the group? (Ex: like someone else in the LGBT+ community who agrees that you are a part of the group) Or maybe like, seeing if you can be encouraged/validated by friends in a group every so often? Like if you felt like you didn't fit in with a group of friends, would it help to have those friends tell you that you do belong or would it feel like lies?
Thank you. Yeah, finding validating posts or whatever does really help. I'm trying to find a way to get affirmations from friends that don't involve commenting on threads that don't concern me though. Thankfully, I usually don't interpret affirmations from people I know as being dishonest. I guess another problem is that I feel like there's nothing special about me and I'm just sort of a blank cookie-cutter person. Privilege discourse worsens that feel a lot which is why I try (heh) to limit my exposure. I know some people with BPD deal with that by building themselves an identity from pieces that they pick up from other people, but I'm not really able to do that because it doesn't feel true to myself, even though "myself" is... nothing.
Okay, that sounds like a good start. I usually like get sneaky affirmations? Like talking about stuff I like or make, and having people compliment those instead of me directly. Hmmm I dunno how most people describe their identities but I usually just make mine up of stuff I like or am? Like being Hispanic is part of my identity, and liking cartoons and animated movies, being trans, being able to do crafty/art stuff. I have no frame of reference for other people so I'm not sure if thats what you are talking about.
i also dont know if this will help or if it's maladaptive but i like to do art or writing of some kind to deal with the empty/blank person thing then i can look at it and it feels like, hm, like, maybe i'm empty and hollow but i somehow did this thing? and this thing is a real thing. words and thoughts and emotion and opinions. and clearly that came from somewhere. the empty feeling doesn't go away but it at least helps some part of my brain with it ive also heard from people who've talked to a lot of BPD people that in their experience everyone who's expressed the "i am an empty nothing person" is not at all, that they have strong personalities and identifiable traits. something in their brain is preventing them from seeing it but everyone else sees it. that helps me too sometimes (also relate to this really hard, sympathy and commiseration, i hope something in this thread helps you in some way because it's painful)
Ah, yeah, it's the "stuff that I am" part, not the "stuff that I like/do" part. I'm just white and although I probably count as trans somehow, it feels dishonest to call myself that. Actually any identifiers relating to gender or sexuality feel dishonest. "Asexual" is the least bad so that's what I go with. That's a good idea. Hmm. I feel like art relating to BPD might also get me some of that validation I crave because it's relatable to other people. This is actually really affirming in itself, thank you.
Thanks for this edit, because I was actually RIGHT about to ask if I could ask for advice at some point here too!
Hmmm, I mean. Even if you are "just" white, I'm sure there is culture and identity to be found there. A lot of identify politics focuses on the bad parts of white identity but it cannot possibly be all bad. Do you know where your family is from? Europeans have a lot of culture cuz Europe is old as balls. It can be helpful to reach out to your roots. Like if you were French, for example, you could delve into some of the cultural stuff from France like art and food and customs. Also, I don't think you have to call yourself trans if it feels wrong. You don't have to call yourself anything if it doesn't feel right. I think that why people experiment with words a lot. But, if you feel comfortable saying you are some nebulous form of LGBT+ (or queer whichever you perfer) then I think it's fine to do that. I'm positive you are not the only person who labels don't seem to fit. ETA: I forgot, I was gonna agree with seed. If you look at what people in the field of psychology write, they say that people with BPD feel as though they have no personality and have no sense of self, though they do have strong personality traits.
I have BPD too, and really struggle with emptiness feelings. I personally have found that trying to distract myself sometimes makes the emptiness worse, because I start to feel like a floating pair of eyeballs just absorbing content. But doing creative stuff can help, especially if it's something physical that requires using my hands or body--I play the guitar and sing, but stuff like drawing or writing things out long hand might work too. Recently I've also tried doing some sensory things to kind of ground myself in my personhood. For me, the empty feeling often comes with dissociation, so a strong, positive sensory experience helps jolt me back into reality and into my body, if that makes sense. I bite lemons, because I like lemons a lot. Also, even though this feels like a weird thing to say on an internet forum, I sometimes find that stepping away from the computer for a while helps me feel like a person again. I totally appreciate that friends online are an important source of validation for people, and I know that those relationships can be really helpful and supportive, but sometimes I find that spending a lot of time on forums or Tumblr or twitter or whatever makes me kind of...forget that I exist outside of lines of text that people respond to? I really don't want to discount the importance and sincerity of online communication and relationships--all I mean is that sometimes it can make this very specific symptom worse for a little bit. For me, even just spending thirty minutes offline can help, particularly if I spend it outside. I sit on my stoop or go for a walk. None of this stuff makes the empty feeling go away for me entirely, because BPD bad brainstuffs are really tenacious. But they can make it a bit more bearable. It helps me sometimes to think of it like practice. Like, it's okay if the things you try to make yourself feel better don't work, because you still put in the time practicing.
Sensory grounding can be really helpful for me in terms of dissociation--I'm also autistic and have Weird Sensory Shit on top of the BPD, but there are some textures and such that I find really soothing and grounding, like plush throws, and sometimes stroking those can help with dissociation stuff? Doesn't really help me, personally, with the "lol i don't matter and there's literally nothing to me as a human being" feeling, but that's just me and it's definitely worth trying! For me, the feelings of Not Having A Real Personality tend to come around when I get triggered in some way or when I'm otherwise anxious/stressed/More Fucked Up Than Usual? So sometimes if I can identify a specific trigger I can pull myself away from that and focus on, like, anything else. And I find that talking to close, trusted friends helps a lot?
I use hard surfaces for sensory grounding (tapping my fingers against my arm or a solid object). Physical movement helps. Iding and categorizing the trigger helps. Listing things I can observe in my environment through my five senses helps (what I hear, see, taste, smell, touch).
(forgot to add) something else that I've found to be true for me is that my emptiness feelings have, like, stages. And I need to deal with the feeling on the stage where it's at. So, for instance, if I'm real deep in "I'm not a Person I am just a body taking up space", positive affirmations and distractions won't really help me, because I'm not at that stage yet. I need to do really baseline physical stuff--like sensory stuff, or sitting outside, or even just speaking out loud for a while to hear the sound. And if I do that for a while, I can sometimes eventually get to the "I might be a Person, but I'm not an interesting/authentic/whatever person" stage, and in that stage stuff like affirmations and talking to friends and being creative can help. But yeah, I really sympathize with struggling with emptiness and feeling like you don't have a meaningful identity. I think that navigating identity can be really tough even without BPD, and BPD brainstuff makes it even harder.
