i still have trouble not being angry and instead quietly waiting for the person who will understand me again. before i was angry and tried to control everybody because i wanted to secure my own future... i saw the plan... i was karkat
& that’s also why , (TRIGGER WARNING) i just went along with kitty because she saw the same conspiracy theory. but she stopped short and thinking truscum people/dysphoria/a trans person as a real category of person was real. so that’s why i stopped being with her
So I just read page 1 right now, sort of a skim bc there's some heavy stuff in there, but I just want to say this - I'm really sorry you went through that with Ruben. I don't think you're a bad person or that you're bad/evil/wrong/deserve to be hurt for your truscum-ish stuff. Sounds like you've been through a lot and it felt like there were two sides you have to pick between and you picked the protective one, and that's not bad or evil, that's trying to survive to get to a place where you can think thru things more.
i need people to understand that this is not fair i need my team because i feel like the other team is about to attack the white/yuppie/shove things under the rug/ people deserve housing unless it’s someone i don’t like/let people be punished physically for my feelings i know i can suffer quietly. i’ve done that. but i don’t know if i speak out, will it be understood so far it hasn’t.
i’ve been having phases where i feel ok off and on i feel great but i’m alone then i can’t communicate this to someone the right people aren’t around me i keep searching for someone who is just on my level that person isn’t ruben anymore i was afraid to say their name for some time so far some people have said this is fucked up, but i haven’t found someone who is the miracle i need the next person that will be a pillar in my life that i naturally, openly accept & that naturally openly accepts me i need more than i had before. double that.
and people tell me that i need to love myself but it’s not what i want to hear. how can i love myself more? if i’ve already forgiven myself for this sin then i love myself too much already i followed my deeper self that i can’t share with anybody with words. i do love myself, more than i can express and that’s why people don’t believe me
i don’t know if there’s anyone in this country that will be more comforting to me & approach me at the right time and place. i might have to leave i’m not done telling the story. i have issues with time and trying to rush things. the urgency i feel because i was missing my life before and all the love and friendship i wanted to experience. i wanted to escape. i have to slow down and validate what is real. because i was talking to a brick wall in my head for such a long time, imagining someone that judges me for all my thoughts and feelings. i don’t think it’s fair. but i don’t know who that person is. this little person that is in stress all the time isn’t the person i want to be. i want to escape, there’s no person i speak to who understands and i get frustrated. people who are trained in the art called “therapy” don’t connect with me. i needed friendship and love. that’s what i was always trying to say. and i was so close to validating that and showing that was real, and it actually would help me. but for whatever reason, that embarrassed the person and they couldn’t let reality go down that timeline
when what you want is denied & your plan and everything you loved about yourself that you wanted to express is shamed & erased it makes you feel like nothing you wanted is real. like nothing you felt is real. i’ve grown up on this... this is what ruben allowed me to experience and chose for me. i have them that choice as a sign of trust and they mutilated my life story... making me into a chaser creep just so they could avoid guilt? but i wouldn’t say that. i didn’t want to say it for years even though that’s what i felt. every day it’s hard for me to feel strong and stay solid in what i know i experienced. i was told to let it go but that person just didn’t understand the depth of the root they ripped out
is it terrible that someone sensitive experienced anxiety? yeah of course it is. but at the same time, i experienced pain and i was only asked to feel pity for that person and ignore my own pain. and i listened. i listened to my instincts and what i know is true from my experience... that there are some things that can only be worked out together by the people involved. that’s what i believe happened. i lack information about what is true because that’s the choice that the other person in my life made and i have no choice but to respect that. i had to stop listening to my instincts because if i did that i would be overstepping boundaries... that’s the true boundary, not “please don’t contact me”... it’s words on a screen that you can ignore. i’m truly asking you and letting you decide what to tell me and they told me again and again that i was wrong and they didn’t love me and with their actions that they cared about me even less than a stranger and that distorted reality i no longer feel like i’m the same person i grew up with because that person was wrong i needed to change to be correct. and listen to what i was told. so i listened and what happened? i got fucked up and who’s holding them accountable? me and me alone and i can’t do it alone. because being alone it’s like i don’t exist
is that person out there somewhere smug because they had the plan to distort reality through a game of telephone and it worked i’m just so disappointed. i wanted to go places in life higher than that. i still do but i just need to constantly stitch up this hole in my life because i wasn’t witnessed going over the past again and again because the value that they taught me was “don’t show your pain and distress, it might hurt others” and i trusted them
i’m constantly telling myself my backstory to believe it’s real because i feel not seen i feel invisible and disposable and what if when i was banned off this site, something happened. someone killed or kidnapped me. it would just be showing me that’s more true it just seems like reality isn’t as kind as i want it to be. time can’t fix all wounds, it only makes you disappear
what’s so wrong about having a brain that thinks i’m a guy or having a brain that feels emotions deeply or having a brain that hears and senses things that aren’t necessarily real to everyone else? am i allowed to say it’s not? cause it doesn’t feel like i’m allowed. it feels like i lost the privileges to everything. and they can just harshly punish me for things that i don’t even see. flaws that i don’t even have. just projections. these are my enemies. but i love them. but i don’t get to win.
i’m not lurking, stalking around, talking bad about someone. i genuinely want to understand. i want to talk to anyone that knows them, and ask them what they say about me because... i’m a lost, abandoned person. i’m getting stalked too. i really get stalked. i get my life threatened. but that’s not what i care about. it’s a side plot to me. i just want to be good enough for ruben... because i started behind. i have a long way to go. and i don’t even know where they want me to be. i don’t know how to be in the perfect place to be found and good looking and healthy. i wasn’t healthy enough the first time and i took years and years to get there. maybe someone is thinking this person is a piece of shit. i just had that thought. but i also couldn’t let anyone hold them accountable. i feel that way too. i don’t trust anyone else to hold them accountable. i don’t want just anyone to be involved in this but it’s gotten to that point. i have to get allies. i need someone to see me for me and love me for that because it’s not gonna be these people
“i’m stupid. i can’t follow directions. i just needed to shut up and let go” o___o that would be a series of thoughts for my brain that hates itself to think. no brain, that’s the feeling that’s dumb.
so to anyone reading this, i’m sorry but i can’t connect to you. imagine a person that’s been thrown out in space and is now careening through earth’s orbit
i told the therapist about this today... just like ive told many therapists... i don’t know what’s wrong with me i guess it’s just a “bad mental health day”. i guess it’s just delusional and psychotic to need someone to stay with you forever because they make you feel good. but that’s so normalized in society and it’s normally so celebrated that i feel weird! that in my case it’s negative! i can’t figure out what mental illness this is, i think it’s just my life! i think the only solution really was for me to die! i think i might smoke dmt and die soon but idk if when i come back i’ll be able to stop from killing myself or if i’ll find out i’m going to hell for this sin. why can’t this just go back... go away... make it i happen... stop it... stop doing it to me... stop being glad i’m hurting o___o why not just simply do the opposite of this to me. why not just simply not have done this to me.
the therapist that i paid for just said to me “therapy doesn’t replace someone caring for you” i knew it i don’t have the energy to be mad. i know i was deluding myself and trying to keep the anger down i hate myself. it’s so hard to pretend that i don’t. i only pretend that i don’t so the people i want so i went to the hospital and my heart is PERFECTLY NORMAL.
i still have to edit this story for mental illness... the obvious mental illness really takes you out of the story
i wonder if people realize that like... slavery exists. dominance and submission wasn’t invented by the bdsm community. hello, good morning! you live in a country that was founded on slavery
