releasing a baby into the wild nobody seems sick and insane enough to do that i wonder if there are any cases of people who actually have literally done that and what’s wrong with them maybe i can get some insight into what happened to me
maybe i should actually just reference people who throw babies into the trash since that seems to be a pretty common manifestation of this mental illness
i guess the key question is did you expect the being to survive and/or thrive? there’s no expectation that a baby will survive “in the wild” in a dumpster
maybe it’s just the lack in context and turning a blind eye to what’s happening :) but i’m sure that’s motivated by a deeper desire to escape culpability from something they know is justified
in their mind it’s necessary to convince me, myself that i’m perfectly fine being abandoned. and to hide the truth of human connection from me so that enough time would pass so they could get away with it. now time has passed and they’re trying to come back with all shoved under the rug. but unfortunately i’m alive!
i want to come back to the whole truscum disposability theory. that might just be important for the public in general to understand
this went off the rails i’m stopping all other work to work on myself, again. this could take years and i just want to be a boy but ok.
if you wanna get like ... more triggered than you’ve ever been in your life there’s a new h3h3 video out that video is about someone who abuses mentally ill people i am glad it exists because i want people to understand how wrong this is. but when you do understand it, it makes you feel awful. i have had thoughts like Spoiler: Bad Thing Discussion these are the people who are winning. the people who told me i was pathetic and didn’t deserve to live because of my dysphoria? they’re winning. the people who i feel made me come off like a predator are winning. i have to be like this. so i took on the lack of empathy. i tried to become evil so i could win. but you can’t take it off. and it doesn’t help. i used to “know” that. but the trauma turned everything around and i still have those thoughts. it’s such hard worn to believe i’m still a good person. but seeing this i feel validated. i want to expose the abuse i went through too. i was targeted and abused by someone like this. many people. i feel shame and mourning for my kind self that i crushed. but my mind is whatever i want it to be. i can resurrect its ghost. i can be my infinitely compassionate self again. that’s how i had compassion for the boys on 4chan who were exiled and isolated like me. for the poor boys in my hometown. but for me i only hear judgement in my head. seeing how clearly mental illness manifests, i now see it’s sick. it consumes the person and becomes a personality disorder.
Spoiler: this is more vent thread content i want to talk more about the way i talk. i was abused by kitty. the way she talks gravely about the situation for women... that isn’t how i talk. there’s part of me that still wants to conform to her because i felt so unsafe in the world. i was on the streets and on the internet there was so much bad lies. i felt like i was in the middle of a war. *lapis lazuli gets caught in the middle of war and gets poofed* i tried to find someone to listen. i just overthink everything and try to figure out gender issues because i felt like it was a matter of making my life worthy. they did this to me. but i’m not that grave. i am happy. i make jokes about the situation. because if you don’t laugh there’s no hope. and kitty influenced the way i spoke to ruben and the way i thought about everything in such extremes. the abuse goes on through the family. the people surrounding me are supposed to be safe. that’s my responsibility as a human. i’m so sorry ruben... you deserved better. i cry for me but i should really cry for you. i can adapt this way of thinking and speaking away. i have to remember my true self. i gotta think of something funny or cute. it’s okay to be sensitive. it’s okay to feel sick and certain facts. but i’m okay. i’m not threatened by them. emotions pass. acting from fear and trauma makes me just like kitty. and i’m luke. i’m supposed to be safe. i push people away because i question my ability to keep people safe. and that makes me ashamed because i was proud of my outpouring love before. i just got confused. i just need to figure it out. today i have a doctor’s appointment. after that i have to copy this down into a journal and really try to discern history and what is real? i keep putting that off. ohhh well i guess i need new jokes that fully tell the story jokes that aren’t bitter that don’t mislead
i also don't trust trans people. i think of them as someone petty, mean, and sociopathic. someone who would watch me die and laugh so it's very precious to be treated well by one
i have a very weird stockholm syndrome relationship with the trans community. they've rejected me my entire life but i still look soft for wanting their acceptance. but i know they're just manipulating me and i want out. i don't actually want the acceptance, i just want out entirely. i just want to stop the emotional manipulation
i really didn't need to hear fucked up trans conspiracy theories like "BILL GATES IS A WOMAN" i'm a truscum that moved out of poverty to san francisco to live my life despite everything my community taught me... why am i listening to YOU
am i the only one who really sees the disablism in "trans can't be a mental disorder or neurological disability, that brings shame to the community" i can't be the only one
and then to add "IF YOURE TRUSCUM OR FEEL LIKE YOURE EXPERIENCING UNDISCOVERED PHENOMENA, YOU SHOULD DIE" is just junior fascism
i wish people wouldnt make fun of buck angel... you're just being transphobic. he's talking about life as a trans person, and you're just trying to semantically silence and bully him... youre being transphobic. but i dont think they actually care because some trans people are just disposable to them. like... THAT'S WRONG. i'm against that. rip to fashies but i'm different
