Spoiler: dumb venting slipping back into self harm has been disgustingly easy like i thought i was better than this? for whatever dumbshit reason. or that it'd at least be some last resort, horrible-traumatic-event-just-happened-and-idk-how-to-deal-with-it thing, but no. that's not how this is shaking out it's more of a 'excited to go on a date? better cut' 'feel like your leg's nasty looking for obvious reasons? welp, time to cut!' 'oh, are you remembering a mildly embarrassing social misstep from years ago? the reasonable reaction to this, obviously, is cutting!' fucking there's no hesitation, four years clean and i just slipped back in like i'd never stopped christ, what's even the point? one screwy reaction to meds and i'm back to square fucking one
@craptor that sounds rough :/ but you did manage to stay clean for awhile and thats not easy! I domt know if you can remove yourself enough from what your doing for this but try to think about what your doing and why your doing it whem your gonna cut? Relapse is just something that can happen and its okay <3
I pick and scratch at my skin. I am pretty sure I have some kind of dermatological problem (maybe keratosis pilaris? but that also doesn't sound/look like what I have) and I pick at it all the time. My arms are more scar and scab than skin at this point. I think the number of visible scars is in the hundreds. Almost 15 years worth of picking. Scars on scars on scars. Why do you do it? Lots of reasons? In no particular order: the bumps hurt sometimes, I think the bumps are really gross and I want them gone, there's stuff in my skin and I gotta get it out, it's satisfying to see it gone and feel like there's nothing left in there that's Not Part Of Me (which is why blood is preferable), I hate the way it looks (with a strong association of I LOOK SO UNCLEAN), having sore wound > having a sore throbby pressure-y thing. Have you stopped if so, what made you stop? Nope! All that seems to help is constantly having my skin covered, and even that's not perfect. Do you regret it? Constantly. Well, except, regret seems to imply I had a choice? More accurately: I wish this was not the way I am and I feel intense shame over it. What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it? To stop being angry at myself for having the bumps in the first place, and maybe to find a treatment for them? I would like to be able to stop feeling like my gross skin is a personal moral failing. Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help? Yes and yes. I think at this point, though, help could only come in the form of some kind of medical treatment to get the bumps to stop forming. Maybe if I had some fucking hope my skin would stop doing this, it would feel like it wasn't pointless to try to resist?
@Avery I have problems with this too, the feeling of "THERE IS A THING ON MY SKIN AND I DON'T WANT IT THERE GET IIT OUT", though not to as bad a degree. It sucks, I'm sorry you gotta deal with that. If you're able I'd definitely say see if you can nab an appointment with a doctor or get a referral to a dermatologist. I used to have really apalling cystic acne (which may have been linked to/triggered by rosacea, but we don't know) which became even more awful because I would pick and scratch and scrape at it constantly, feeling like I needed to dig all this stuff out my skin. But then I (finally) felt like it was a big enough problem to get it seen to by a GP (I had really bad skin as a teenager, to the point of scarring, but my parents thought it was too "trivial" to see a doctor about, wooo) and within like three months I scarcely recognised myself. Your situation might not be as cut and dry, but it's definitely worth a shot to reduce the possible triggers for scratching and picking. (sorry if this is annoying and unsolicited advice that is not appropriate here, if it is lemme know and I'll remove it)
@Dischordian Part of the insurance saga (TLDR: lost the insurance I had through mom, got school insurance very recently) was that I was finally able to not be too much of a freaked out little shame ball to actually talk to people about it, and I actually had set up an appointment at one time to see a dermatologist, but it never happened. I have insurance again, but everything is new and I don't know how it works, and I don't want my first foray into it to be "mysterious skin thing". Or. Well. It might be that I don't want to foray into it at all because new things are scary. But thinking I might be able to do it at all is an improvement, so that's hopeful. (It is cool, no worries.)
Why do you do it? eh. lots of reasons. inwardly directed rage, emotional pain, hurt, depression, if voices tell me to, to stop suicidal feelings... Have you stopped and if so, what made you stop? I mean I haven't done it in a week, but I haven't really...stopped, per say. Do you regret it? immensely What is your goal regarding self harm? Do you know how to achieve it? to stop. and no, not really. I've tried all the little things my therapist recommended like holding ice and talking to a friend and stuff but I never feel I can be open enough with them and things like ice or rubber bands just leave me feeling unsatisfied and desiring more pain. Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help? yes and yes. which is, I guess, why I'm making this post?
@Avery dermatillomania is also, to my knowledge, not uncommon. Might be worth getting that looked at, if only to make things easier for Future Avery.
@prismaticvoid theres a name for it?! I need to do some reading cos this same thing @Avery described i do
@Missfortunate yep! Dermatillomania is compulsive skin-picking, trichitillomania is the same idea but pulling hair out. /full of useless information
Haha thanks! Uh, look at page 666 of the Complaints Department thread if you need more pictures of people in goth makeup licking butter knives :P
@prismaticvoid I sort of broached that topic with my former therapist, but she was hesitent to call it dermatillomania because... because of reasons that made sense at the time but now I don't remember. XD She was the one who encouraged me to go to a dermatologist. I think the idea was that if the bumps could be treated, there would be less bumps, and that would lessen the picking significantly. And if after that I still felt the picking was a problem, we would have worked on it then? So it's in my mind as something worth exploring in the event that I get the bumps to stop forming/form less but still have a problem with the picking them. As a comparison: the skin on my face has never gotten bumps like my limbs and sides do, but gets an average amount of "normal" acne-like blemishes. Sometimes I will pick at these, such as if they're painful or particularly noticeable, but I do not feel like I have a problem with picking at my face.
Tbh I think everyone fusses with their acne, it's a bad habit but generally not a huge problem. I do agree though that if you can make the physical stuff go away it's likely the mental stuff will too, and if not that there's something else going on.
I'm talking with Beldaran at the moment but I'm going to be a needy pathetic fuck and ask that if anyone online reading this would miss me, they tell me so because I'm not okay right now and my brain is trying to kill me and I am not going to let it.
