*takes off sweater because they got too warm while cleaning, has tank underneath* *sees skin bumps* Do not. *touches skin bumps* NO. BAD. *picks at skin bumps!!* Adjskrfefegajisjdfrrr!! *puts sweater back on* >:/
Spoiler probably shouldn't have cut my leg up last night and then spent half of today walking. not my best move
Someone bought me a very pretty, very sharp and pointy switch knife a while back. They meant well, but I really need to stop keeping that thing by my bed. It's becoming a problem. Any tips for hiding/moving tools in a way that's effective? (Or... does it actually help at all?)
I've never done it myself, but I've heard of people freezing their tools in ice, or putting them in a box thoroughly sealed with duct tape-- you can still get to them, but it's supposed to take long enough that the urge will hopefully go away. I don't know how well that works though.
Spoiler i'm really upset right now and i'm trying so hard to resist finding something to hurt myself with but all i want is to not feel like this anymore i hate it
Why do you do it? Seeeeveral reasons, most of which I probably can't even pin down. Started out in freshman year. I've only recently been diagnosed with clinical depression (and my therapist and doctor both said they've got a strong feeling I have autism but no means to diagnose it officially right now), and I'm ftm transgender but at the time was still working through all my feelings. Plus at the time I got (still get) these random rage storms??? Words, are hard. But basically anything that doesn't go right or if things are off in some way or if I lose an argument due to something I can't control (usually it would be against an authority figure with their argument as 'because i said so') I'd just have this huge wash of anger and instead of taking it out on my environment I started taking it out on myself. I also have massive lows of depression. And the self harm felt good, I'm a masochist with a high pain tolerance and I like the marks it left and being able to see myself bleed. The pain and then the rush of hormones afterwards would often calm down my mood (I can't describe 'the mood' aside from feeling like a million things are happening at once that I have to take care of). Have you stopped if so, what made you stop? No, I don't do it as much as in high school though. Spoiler My latest relapse was yesterday, actually. Unless you count my smoking habit which I've 'totally quit'. In which case today, rip my lungs. I've had to go off my meds and stop seeing my therapist due to finances so I can't guarantee the stability of my moods and my living situation isn't the best. Currently I'm not paying rent but I'm trying to buy food for myself and my boyfriend and my meds and pay all my doctors bills (I get sick a lot) on nothing but art commissions which pay like ass. My friend telling me to 'just find some way to fix it' was what set me off so my arm got shredded to ribbons and now it itches like a motherfucker. Do you regret it? No. I still like the scars and I take a sort of weird pride in them. I like knowing what I can handle. What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it? To maybe get to a point where I can stop for realsies and stop relapsing everytime I get too stressed from work.
Spoiler: minor infection talk "it's just a couple! The ones that hurt! It won't even be that noticeable!" (and it actual kinda wasn't that bad?) *checks later* *six raised bumps* :/
There's something so soothing about hot candlewax. It doesn't even leave lasting marks to explain. And peeling it off after it's hardened is really satisfying to my dermatillomania. I think that part's why I started. Not sure. It's fuzzy.
@OnnaStik same sensation, less dangerous result: they actually make candles designed for BDSM wax play that melt at a lower temperature, so the wax is hot enough to hurt but won't burn you. Might be worth looking into if you like how that feels/picking it off?
my head feels weird and buzzy and i keep on feeling like i need to one up my scars with bigger, nastier ones and i think i'm going to do something idiotic when this bread is done baking because the buzzing's not going away. smh
Spoiler wanna fuck myself up but can't. what is there even to fuck up at this point? i'm already unable to stand or sit up too long, everything hurts, my teeth are falling out and rotting in my head, my skin and joints and muscles hurt and there's no relief. what could i even do to myself for relief that my body isn't doing to itself? what could i even do without nate immediately spotting and getting panicky and stressed and worried to death?? fucking nothing, that's what. fucking dick all but itching my arm too much to focus on THAT ouch instead of everything else ouch.
I want to cut for the first time in four months. I'm not going to but i want too. I really really want to.
I'm not sure if this counts as self harm, really. But I have a tendency to literally beat myself in the head, generally with my hands. It's definitely self-punishment, but since nothing is hurt of me (aside from migraines if I go too hard in a tantrum), I'm not sure whether I should classify it as "self injury" in the way people who bruise / burn / bleed have a right to. Regardless, it is a painful stim that I tend to obsess over and turn to in times of high stress / shame / anger.
So I might have jsut done a Bad and I sorta cut a bad word on my forearm and it's?? not deep but it's very visible like vveeery visible and I don't kwno what to do??
Aside from the very few times I cut because I was in a very bad mental place, I usually kick walls, beat my head against a door or something, and pour melted wax over my hands and arms. Oh well.
@bioluminiscence do you have any large bandaids? like the big fabric ones? multiple smaller ones could work as well. bandaids are easy to explain away, and you can keep the cuts covered for as long as it takes them to heal. if you're worried that people will ask questions about it, maybe wear long sleeves, or just tell anyone who asks that you skinned yourself accidentally. make sure you keep the cuts clean so that they heal well, and don't poke at any scabs. i hope you're doing alright?
Spoiler I'm petty and jealous and want nothing but attention and no matter what I do or try I don't get attention. I'm never going to stop being the face in the back that can be easily ignored. How can I even feel this way towards someone who did nothing to me? Why do I feel personally wronged?? Because they're literally everything I've wanted to be in my life, and what I never will be. They're pretty, they're healthy, they have tons of friends, they've got a cute quirky art and writing style, they've got attention out the ass for every step they take, and on top of that all they're genuinely sweet and gentle so I feel even more like a fucking scumbag for feeling that way. It's so petty it makes me want to be sick. Yet try as I might I can't make myself sick, so I'm stuck sitting here nauseated and crying and sad and miserable and jealous and disgusting and scratching my thighs and forearms as much as I can get away with without my spouse noticing and making me stop and it's not helping. I need something more than this. I need to stop feeling so empty all the time.
@applechime thank you! I'll probably go for the long sleeves option and just hope they heal well. I'm feeling a bit better but I'm still feeling sorta suicidal but that's. just life I suppose by this point
