The Gods Can Bite Me (jesse's stalemate writing thread)

Discussion in 'Make It So' started by jacktrash, Mar 15, 2019.

  1. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    note to self and @seebs : gareth gets pestered by this boys father. he can’t just laugh it off bc major noble. what do?
    • Like x 3
  2. LadyNighteyes

    LadyNighteyes Wicked Witch of the Radiant Historia Fandom

    Depending on how aware various parties are of the Story Thing, somebody might have been expecting it to turn into, say, this one instead:

    (A disproportionate number of Child ballads seem to basically be 17th-century Scottish daytime soaps.)
  3. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    cue the brown girl going “i don’t care what the ballads say, he’s a racist douche and if he wants to starve himself he’s welcome to.”
    • Agree x 2
    • Winner x 2
  4. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    next installment of the "jesse imagines stalemate crossovers but doesn't actually write them": kingsman. casimir understands instantly why they gave him a puppy. names the puppy queequeg, since he knew before he started reading 'moby dick' that the best character dies. then he figures out, from spotting dog hairs on agents' clothes, that the Kill Your Darlings test is faked, and nearly gets failed because he's so bad at acting like he gives a fuck about pulling the trigger on his dog.

    the dog is a black mastiff with huge yellow eyes. gareth (who flunks by being too much of a clever pants and not enough order followy, and gets yeeted directly into the merlin department, where he is deliriously happy) nicknames it moon moon, and it never gets called queequeg again.
    • Winner x 3
  5. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    things to remember, phrased as cryptically as possible:
    • she actually is helpful, as long as they're useful to her
    • this all has to be quite secret, because the librarian is frankly a lot more effective than she is
    • she does have to underestimate them in the end, but it's better if up to that point she just misunderstands them a little
    • the librarian needs a scary scary cat's paw
    • the hand picked girls should have agency too, but not the tired trope-reversal tropes
    • the plan b replacement for gareth is his cousin, but who is it for casimir? possibly the duchess? she's hard to control tho.
  6. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    gareth, you're being called out
    • Winner x 3
  7. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    casimir: hey, we've got one too!
    casimir: *rummages behind a tapestry, fishes out a very dusty svetlana*
    svetlana: peasant, don't reveal me when i'm lurking!
    casimir: *poking at her hair* you've got a spider in here.
    svetlana: leave boris alone, he's delicate.
    casimir: oh, i beg your pardon. and please convey my apologies to boris.
    svetlana: hmf. i forgive you, but boris needs to think about it.
    • Winner x 7
  8. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    Svetlana is best murder girl.
    • Agree x 4
    • Like x 1
  9. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    what if svetlana has spider whispering powers

    what if it runs in the family, and when she realizes her dad kinda sucked at it, that's the beginning of breaking free of his headfuckery
    • Winner x 9
  10. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    she's fond of her spiders, and names them sometimes, but she's not sentimental.

    casimir: is it just me or is boris smaller now?
    svetlana: that boris died. this is the new boris.
    casimir, still traumatized over eating his pet reindeer one bad winter: oh. uh. are you okay?
    svetlana, looking at him like he has his underwear on his head: he's. a. spider.
    casimir: yeah, but. your special spider, right?
    svetlana: they're very stupid, you know. *fondly watches boris 2 walk over her hands* they don't have opinions. they don't want things. they're not like your birds. they just... are. maybe more like decorations than like pets. *looks up and smiles for real* like flowers with feet!
    casimir: *dead of suddenly dadfeels*
    • Like x 5
    • Winner x 3
  11. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    theme song for casimir

    crank it
    • Like x 1
  12. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    ben haddou.jpg

    watching documentaries, and the town of ben haddou in morocco came up, and i instantly went: THERE. there is where gareth's mother helen is from. that's where her family is, that's where they touch base a couple times a year after living on ships the rest of the time.

    i wonder if gareth has an instinctive fear that bridgeport is going to melt in the rain. :D
    • Like x 3
  13. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    i should read up on kings and emperors who lost the support of their military, to see what mistakes revenant's been making. he definitely has been pouring money the country doesn't have into a huge self-aggrandizing building project or two. one is ostensibly in the honor of the war goddess, although of course it's all about who made it, and he's smugly certain casimir's faction can't win because he's got the war goddess on his side.

    but of course, he does NOT, because he treats his soldiers like crap and leads from the rear. she doesn't give a shit about gilded domes, she wants blood and fire. also she's a horndog and thinks casimir is hot.

    ugh why am i having so much trouble naming my gods.

    anyway, war is probably the last of the pantheon to give up on casimir. she thinks gareth is a pussy tho.
  14. OtherCat

    OtherCat a being of mysterious happenstance

    It is mostly a combination of "failed to pay them" and "failed to supply them." There's also "trying to get rid of 'problems' before they can occur by murderizing popular generals." Which tends to piss off said generals causing them to defend themselves by taking out the king/emperor.
    • Agree x 3
  15. OtherCat

    OtherCat a being of mysterious happenstance

    Svetlana is adorable. Also the spider thing made me think of this video:

    (Actually pretty much Svetlana reminds me of this song, or at least she potentially will when she's older.)
    • Like x 1
    • Agree x 1
    • Winner x 1
  16. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    me likey! although the gothy effect is lost a bit on me because i think spiders are really cute, so it's like she's doing her spooky face while covered in kittens. i was laughing at their antics instead of appreciating the spook. :D
    • Agree x 1
  17. OtherCat

    OtherCat a being of mysterious happenstance

    Yes. The song is creepier/more haunting than the actual video for me, where I'm mostly concerned that the singer knows how to handle the teeny octokittens (if they're real and not computer animated), and no one gets bit.
    • Agree x 3
  18. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    i think they're real, the bigger ones gripped her clothes noticeably. and the smaller ones sometimes did dumb stuff like fall off the crown, which i think they would not have done on purpose in cg. :3
    • Agree x 1
    • Informative x 1
  19. turtleDove

    turtleDove Well-Known Member

    Sometimes also "did things that were Profoundly Dumb and/or Profane and/or failure to respect the most important cultural mores". (See: "that Roman general who dropped the Fortune-Telling Chickens overboard because he didn't like the omens they were giving, and then was shocked when the soldiers blamed their losses on him murdering the Fortune-Telling Chickens".)
    • Agree x 3
    • Winner x 1
    • Useful x 1
  20. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    thinking about teen mirya and galley getting trained as army mages:


    Mirya thinks there are probably more interesting things to be talking about than ways to sneak over to the girls’ training camp, but try telling a bunch of eighteen-year-old city boys that. All of them het, too, which is a damn shame, and boring as hell for everyone. As far as Mirya’s concerned, people who only like one gender are like people who are allergic to chocolate. They get by just fine but they sure are missing out.

    “I’m just saying,” points out a southerner named Tam who is always ‘just saying’, “we could get across the lake in half an hour tops, be back before breakfast —“

    “And what, bust into their dorm while they in they jimjams?” somebody puts in. “They don’t know we coming.”

    “They’d explode your head, Tam,” Galley drawls.

    Tam scoffs. “They’re just girls.”

    Galley nods; point made. “They will explode your head. So like. Go for it.”

    Another of the horny het brigade gestures at Mirya: “Get Queermo to make a distraction while we steal the boats, he’s only gonna stay here and fuck his orc buddy anyhow.”

    Galley’s hair bristles (which is one of several things orcs can do that Mirya wishes he could imitate) and he bares his teeth, which makes mister bigot look eager. Mirya sighs. “I know you’re bored, pal, but pick a fight with somebody else, we’re busy.”

    “Sorry, Auntie, don’t let me interrupt your needlepoint.”

    Mirya bites off his thread, then shakes out his freshly patched trousers to check for puckers. He doesn’t answer. Galley rolls his eyes and steals the thread wax.

    “I’m talking to you,” Bigot McHaterpants says.

    “Good to know. Mystery solved,” Mirya replies absently as he rummages in his trunk for more mending to do. Lightning strikes so close that the dorm windows rattle with the simultaneous crash of thunder, and several of the boys jump. He smirks at them. “Seriously? Some of y’all still can’t feel when lightning’s about to hit?”

    Bigotty growls. “I’ve had about enough of your smug bullshit, you perverted hick.”

    “What’s your name again?” Mirya barely glances up as the boy stalks toward him. “Not an insult, I mean it, I forgot. All you southerners got names like sound effects.”

    Someone else says, “It’s Kit,” right as Kit makes to shove Mirya’s shoulder. There’s a snapping sound and a purplish flash, and Kit is thrown back on his ass. Mirya absently rubs the spot where the spark went off.

    A boy whose eyes are always red-rimmed from allergies breaks the resulting silence. “I’m gonna tell Sergeant Wojak.”

    “Tell him I’ve been paying attention in Mana Manip lab? Go for it.”

    “You little fuck,” Kit says.

    “Don’t be boring,” Galley sighs. “Look, there’s orc girls over there too, do you know how long it’s been since I saw a big green booty? Me and Mirya was training with an old man in the middle of nowhere long before the army grabbed us. I’m more desperate than any of y’all. But I’m not going out on the lake in this. You’re gonna die.”

    The only cadet more charismatic than Mirya, a tall blond named Ned who honestly likes everyone, sighs dejectedly. “If we could guarantee dying afterwards it’d be worth it.”

    Mirya, settling back onto his bunk, waves a fistful of holey socks at the room. “Y’all got specific sweethearts? I missed the last co-ed meetup, I had food poisoning.”

    “And by food poisoning you mean you’d been eating random fungus to try to get high,” says Galley.

    “Potato potahto. Anyhow, I can get some crows to carry letters if you know who they’re going to. Crows aren’t real good with ‘occupant’, that’s too abstract.”

    Several lads perk up. Ned says cautiously, “You sure, Casimir? Sarge said he’d flog you if he caught you making mischief with animals again.”

    “This ain’t mischeif, this is practice. Sarge’s just butthurt cuz we ain’t supposed to learn it til next year.”

    “If you say so.” Ned’s trying to sound skeptical, because he’s a genuinely nice guy and doesn’t want anyone to get in trouble with Wojak, who’s a dick, but he’s grabbing for his pencil box.

    Galley punches Mirya fondly on the shoulder. “It ain’t big green booty, but it ain’t nothing. Thanks, brother.”

    Mirya beams at him. He goes and throws the window open, reaching through the downpour to call down the first sodden crow from the big elm tree overhanging the dormitory. What a fun way to spend a day off. Mirya kind of likes the army.
    • Winner x 5
    • Like x 4
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