Spoiler I dreamed that I called home to find out how my parents' house hunting was going and my aunt answered and told me that my dad had died on the operating table during surgery. And because of time zones, it's too early to call home for real and get some reassurance. :(
Spoiler everything hurts, i know im going to have serious conversations soon, i have homework i need to work on, im bleeding out of this damned uterus i never wanted, im on edge, and there's a fucking townwide garage sale, so lots of cars are driving past, lots of children around, etc tldr; feeling shitty
seeing a psychologist tomorrow and i'm ?????? not doing so well Spoiler: elaboration/anxious rambling i'm there to discuss a potential diagnosis of avpd and i feel like such a fraud and i feel like they are guaranteed to see me as such a fraud, too. i've never met this person before and they only know me as that girl who called in and said she might have a personality disorder i' m so scared they've already dismissed me and won't pay attention to anything i say and then, making matters worse, it's not like i'm confident in this assessment i am the opposite of confident in this assessment it's just that it would explain a lot and sounds pretty fucking accurate but i don't know what to measure myself against i don't know if it's Bad Enough so i'm anxious enough about this that i feel physically ill and can't focus on anything and i'm so sure i'll forget everything i need to say (i can't even tell what i need to say i don't know what's relevant this is an unfamiliar social situation with unfamiliar people and i'm freaking out) and i can't even bring myself to reach out to friends about it i just screams softly i'm i left facebook up for a bit too long and now there's two casual 'hey whats up' from friends i should chat with for a bit but i can't do it the thought of smalltalk rn is Hell i'd end up being too honest and then i'd have to elaborate and then they'd hate me sjdbkjafkjsndkabbhgfabsbhsbh this is so unnecessary i want to stop existing for a while
...can i please have an imaginary internet hug from someone? usually hugs and thinking about hugs makes me feel uncomfortable, but i need something right now. i am very sad and upset at myself for stupid nonsense reasons.
I hate it when I can't eat anymore like, I know I'm going to be hungry in a bit, but nope, apparently chewing is nauseating and food texture is disgusting Thanks Brain at least my team is cool with stealing my food when I can't deal and at least there are a lot of snacks here so I don't have to think about it :(
I've been totally dead for actually, for a couple of weeks now had a job interview and had to organize car stuff, which killed the em so tired and spoonless had to organize my birthday party and it's complicated and UGH
[continued unhappy cat yowls] Please be PMS and also fuck off directly I don´t need another depressive phase.
See profile posts re: partner/sorta-breakup. yeah. We're still going to talk and stuff sometimes but I don't think I'll actually be able to do that for a while, I need time to adjust to the fact that it's going to have to be non-relationship interactions and figure out how the hell I'm going to do that and in the meantime it feels like there's an empty space in my chest and fuck I'm going to be really alone because I don't even talk to my friends much and I think most of my friendships have drifted apart too much to fully repair and fuck I just need a lot of hugs
