Spoiler: stressed So I have a take home midterm due this Friday which if I do well on will mean that I don't have to do the final take home as well. Of course I also have an important paper due in a different class on Friday, and a writing assignment with four different texts for Thursday. ...And two presentations to prepare for next week. With research papers attached, though those are thankfully due later. They're still based on the research from those papers though. I'm also supposed to be choosing a field school for this summer and deadlines are fast approaching. I'm just. Stressed. And worried. I already have anxiety as is. And I just got out of a really bad low in terms of depression this year and I really don't want to hit that low and fuck up my grades (again) And I can't talk to anyone in this house about it, but I mostly keep to myself so I don't really have much anyone else to talk to. I really need to sleep more. I just have trouble with it. And weirdly enough, guilt? Gah.
hi darlings. sorry I have been missing. *distributes hugs equitably* Spoiler today I found a fruit fly in my research course. a one in six hundred fruit fly- the first of hopefully several, but still a rare find. I was excited. my teacher was excited. I accidentally threw it out.
Spoiler Yeah, I'm picking at my mom-issues like a scab and I'm kind of panicky right now and I still have to get through the day at work. Ugh. I really wish I didn't perseverate on brainstuff, sometimes; I can't put it down until I grok it.
@albedo Huuuuuuuuuug. Spoiler I don't know how possible that is for you, but maybe try to take lil breaks (e.g. bathroom pauses) and silently flip out there? It sure helps me in situations like that. Look and act composed, find a bit of time for isolation, use it to make weird faces or cry or pace or breathe weird or silently rant at your mom, and then compose yourself again and return to society. Do this until you can actually go home.
@wixbloom Spoiler Thank you; that's definitely a good plan. I'm not processing my need for self-care as well as I should because this Mom-stuff makes me feel like a worthless, despicable person. Because it's disloyal to doubt her or think she's anything but an awesome loving parent. I know it's irrational, but it's hard to make the brainstuff stop, and I'm perseverating on it because Not Understanding Human Behavior is scary and upsetting. =_= Because obviously I'm gonna get yelled at for Not Understanding and doing something wrong. ETA: ... heh. The catch-22 of "autism is not an excuse for not understanding tone and body language" AND SIMULTANEOUSLY "you're so awful at understanding people that you need me to monitor all of your relationships forever" is a pretty transparent control tactic, isn't it? Fuck, I never put that together.
@albedo Spoiler With regards to having a better understanding of all that, a book that helped a lot for me (but also made me very, very angry, so I recommend reading it when you have time to yourself and not in public in the middle of the day) is "Toxic Parents: Overcoming their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life", by Susan Forward, PhD. You can google it and find a pdf, but if you don't, hit me up and I'll send you my copy ;)
@wixbloom Spoiler Thanks; found a copy. :) I have a feeling that this is going to be an emotionally charged time. Sigh.
Spoiler Mom's going to be at my house unsupervised for a while tomorrow. Because she's my landlord and we need a plumber in. I am totally stressing out; she does not understand boundaries, and no amount of 'do not mess with my stuff' gets through. I should have just fucking taken off work myself, but it's too late to change now. Gonna have to take my laptop to work so she doesn't mess with it while I'm gone, and inspect the house when she's gone to make sure she didn't take anything...
Hugs for @albedo. I hope it goes as well as it can. Also hugs for @Emma. Spoiler I've got so much classwork to finish up in the next two weeks that they'd already be hell on their own, but my thesis is also due in the same time period and I don't know if I can get everything done on time. 8-9 page Philosophy paper Mock journal article for Adv Chemical Synthesis Research proposal for Adv Chemical Synthesis 1 more Inorganic problem set last Inorganic midterm Inorganic final Philosophy final Then throw thesis on all of that... *cries*
