Spoiler: fffffffffffffffff i said some things on tumblr.txt thread and now i am all stressy and i don't know if i went overboard or said too much even though UGH i am not a big hug person but we don't have a Comforting Presence Thread or a Cup of Warm Beverage Thread or a Heavy Blanket Thread and now my back is all tense and my head is floaty #mrrrrrrrrrrrrr #talks through pillows
Spoiler I forgot how badly sex/romance trigger me, because of Bad Past Experience. It was okay with the ex, because I'd known them for years and years and we'd talked about it and I knew it was gonna be okay. But now there are these cool people I really like who have made it pretty clear that they would like to do fun things if I were into that, and I'm freaking out and I feel fucking stupid for panicking because I'm pretty sure intellectually that it would be fine but I have bad past experiences with people getting obsessive and stalkery and ignoring my boundaries so I'm panicking and I didn't give them a good answer and I don't know if we know each other well enough for a giant essay over email and I hate this I hate this. Why can't everybody just be aro? It would be so much easier, I don't want people to be red for me.
Spoiler So in 3 days, I have dealt with The Big Sad, some rape stuff (A LOT OF IT IN FACT UGH WHY) and now I just got a call from my best fucking friend whose presence is a rock for me, and in April he'll be leaving the country, and so many of my friends will leave the country in the next few years and I can see myself next year once again being completely alone and lost in the world, starting a new college major fresh-faced and not knowing anybody, and that just gave me some HORRIBLE FLASHBACKS so basically this entire week could just not be a week anymore ya know.
Hugs for those who needed. Bonus because I'm a pro snuggler when I'm drunk. And I drank aaaaaaaall of the cider. Octopus snuggles for all!
I really want pro snuggling to be a thing. The top league of professional snuggling champions. In a soft ring filled with plush toys. Cuddling their way to victory.
Spoiler someone on tumblr who i thought liked me no longer wants to be in contact with me. why? i just dunno. now i'm sad and i feel like a bad person.
@unknownanonymous You aren't a bad person, just bad at judging when people don't want to contact. I was going to make a club for people like us, but it will have to wait until after I fill out the app for "procrastinators anonymous". HUGS
@Lissa Lysik'an Spoiler you sure? i know i'm bad at social cues, and sometimes feel way too intensely for people, but... i was trying my best. or i thought i was, anyway. they told me what their boundaries were, and tried not to cross those boundaries. i thought was succeeding. but yeah... and they just blocked me and made their blogs redirect to an invalid tumblr address. at first i thought it was a Glitch 'cause we had been hit with something a lot like that before, and they seemed happy when we finally got in contact again, but... nope. they blocked me and did a redirect and i only knew about it once i got a friend to ask about what happened for me. and this especially sucks 'cause i thought they'd just be honest and tell me, that it was something they were good at. but nope. i had to go through a middleman to find out about this bullshit.
You're better off NOT working with that stuff - emotional games of on/off/on/off are a good indicator of something wrong in the person playing them, not in you. And no, I am not sure about anything relating to people things - I live a very sheltered life and from the little bits of "the real world" I see, I like it that way. People are strange - but being wrong doesn't make you bad, and from what you say, you are not even wrong, you're just being toyed with by someone that doesn't know how to communicate directly. Don't feel bad that you aren't understanding them, they don't even understand them. You still deserve hugs and are not a bad person. Oh - and about them being honest - don't expect that of people. They rarely are.
@Lissa Lysik'an thanks! Spoiler those emotional games really suck, particularly when the person playing them appears as though they'd never do such a thing. like, they never struck me as afraid to say when he was mad at people or things or just didn't like them. and they hate it when people play emotional games with them. just... i was so sure they knew better than do that stuff. that they knew it was wrong. haha, apparently not! and if i scared them, 'cause they have had some really fucked-up experiences with people and i might've accidentally reminded them of that, well, i guess can understand them not wanting to confront me but... it would've been so much better if they were just fucking honest, like i used to think they would be. just... this is fucked up and i wish it was just a bad dream but i know it's not. dreams feel different, unfortunately.
@Lissa Lysik'an Spoiler that could be. but it's weird. they sometimes said that they didn't wanna come off as intimidating to people, or be too rude. and that they worried about being too blunt. and they seemed willing to help me with a thing i was having trouble with before. so, it's like i don't think they're heartless or anything. just really vulnerable and able to strike back with the same amount of force (or more force) than they were hit with. frankly, i just think they need a good moriallegence and to get out of their abusive home situation. and maybe to get off tumblr, 'cause that site is one hell of a poisonous environment. fuck, i've just been hurt and now i'm sad for the person that hurt me. why can't i just fucking hate and rage about them? why do i feel the need to understand them?
Spoiler: Self-Loathing Hour with Laz! Sooo when I moved back out here a couple years ago I was back to sharing my room with my sister, but I'd accumulated enough stuff to fill a room to myself. So a lot of stuff got packed up in boxes and put in the attic of my grandpa's shop. The only way up there is a wooden ladder pretending to be stairs. Twice I've gone up there to get stuff I wanted (while leaving the rest of my accumulated crap behind), both times I ended up stuck at the top like a cat and had to text my grandma to send help. Last time I got a bunch of books, but not all of them. I've been wanting to reread a series, but it's still up in the shop. So I warned my grandma I was going up there and to send help if I didn't come back in 10-20 minutes. It's been over a year since I've been up there last, my mental health is still spotty but my physical health has tanked. My back's been hurting for days, which didn't help. I couldn't even get up into the attic this time. I made it halfway up before I noped out- both legs were shaking, I was sweating, I couldn't shift my weight onto my left foot without my ankle wobbling worryingly and my right leg couldn't consistently lift my weight. Plus I ran out of handrail right about that point. So I started to panic about climbing most of the way, losing my grip/my legs giving/otherwise failing to stay put and falling. I had to climb back down. I rested, got flattened by the dog, tried again, got to the halfway point easier but noped out harder once I got there. I was up there for an hour trying to get into that stupid fucking attic/petting the dog while I recovered from not being able to. I've given up but my books and stuff are still up there. And I hate people going through my things/don't remember which boxes my books are in so asking someone else to go up there is just as bad/possibly worse. And I hate asking for things but it would be SO much easier for me to go looking for stuff if I ask grandpa to put my shit on the ground floor so I won't have to deal with it. But I don't know if there's even room down there? There's a lot of empty space but it is a shop so it's probably necessary and can't be filled up with my crap, plus it would be a huge pain in the ass because those boxes are heavy. And I'm just so stupid and weak I can't even get up there for a couple of books, and even if I couldn't get down because I can never get down on my own, I always freak out. And I'm just so disappointed because I can't do this basic thing, and grandma's probably disappointed, she'd probably be disappointed if she needed to help me down but I'm too pathetic to even make it up there and that's worse. And grandpa's definitely going to be disappointed if I ask him to bring them down because he always gets frustrated with my inability to perform basic fucking tasks and he's been so busy and there's always more shit to do and I'm just adding to it and I don't want to be a bother, I never want to be a bother but I always am because I'm always failing at things, always need help and I freak out when I try to do things on my own. It's amazing my family even puts up with me. Mom's side couldn't- they shipped me back out here the first time I started actively displaying symptoms aside from being shy and quiet. And my shitty consolation prize is... a splinter in my ass from the three seconds I leaned against the stairs to catch my breath. FUCK.
@WithAnH Thanks. Took a nap, feel better. Problem's not solved and still needs attention but I feel a bit better.
