Spoiler Today was supposed to be a buckle-down-and-work day. had to get up early for an appt today, so didn't get enough sleep. Got home from appt, did a few basic daily things, had a nap. Tried to start work. Did dome, but nothing I can check off the list. Got sadder and sadder. Haven't eaten enough because I haven't done the dishes in days and going in the kitchen reminds me of failure. I'm tired. I am so close to getting this transcription project done, but it still requires ~4 hours of work per day. I leave Sunday for a week of interning at a drama camp. I've pushed the deadline on these transcriptions forward already, and I feel like I'm failing my supervisor because they're taking so long. I feel like I need to take a mental health day and just rest but this work needs to get done and I've spent too much time on it already but surely my supervisor doesn't want me burning out but I shouldn't be burning out but... I just want to sleep. I'm so tired. The next week is gonna be spoon-intensive and I have no time (unless I miraculously get the spoons to work and do self-care, or just forget the next three days of work) to recharge the spoons. *faceplants into depression-land*
Spoiler I hurt. A lot. My back's been messed up for weeks but grandma hasn't taken me to the chiropractor. I wanted to go this week but he's starting to retire and I think he doesn't do Fridays anymore. I wanted to get that fixed before I do Phantom so I don't have pain on top of the inevitable anxiety attacks. I keep eating meds like candy. I don't understand why it's always like pulling teeth to get grandma to take me, she has back problems too and I know I don't complain all that much but I can't even lean forward without wanting to cry and I started asking three fucking weeks ago and I HURT. Everything hurts. I can't even turn my head fully in either direction and my shoulders don't have full rotation and the other night something got pinched so that pain lit up from my lower spine down my leg every time I tried to walk. And all that plus the headaches I've been having lately (which might be caused by my neck being messed up) and everything is made of FUCK. But I'm bad at communicating, especially pain, so maybe my family doesn't think it's That Bad because I haven't actually cried from it? Because instead of complaining loudly I just wince and hiss and keep going? Maybe I'm just not being demanding enough and need to harass grandma until she agrees to take me. I don't know, I'm just tired of hurting all the time.
^Hugs. Also from what you´ve described i can´t imagine someone missing that, I´d say your family is to blame for ignoring you.
Spoiler: stupid health stuff, sort of I have a pounding headache, have been stressed and out of time for the entire week as well, which made me forget to take my pill, and so now I am also on my period, which I very much DID NOT WANT!
@Emma hugs Spoiler: bleh day two days ago I tried to take a nap and ended up introspecting about my ex as always. this left me jumpy for the rest of my Cool Friend's visit. then yesterday it was just.. various forum drama, unrelatedly stressed on behalf of RL friends.. ended up lying in my bed pretending to sleep but actually just paralyzed with anxiety for a couple hours. the rest of yesterday and today have been better but I am still off balance. :(
*hugs* for @Emma and @bluefox Spoiler: brain clouds My moirail and I exploded at/around each other on Monday. Miscommunications, metaphorical stepping on toes, mutual triggering of brainweirds, we both melted down - basically everything got fucked up. She's now dealing with hella physical side effects; I've still got anxiety clouds floating around in my brain. Off balance is an excellent way to put it.
@bluefox @Kaylotta hugs Spoiler: Ugh I am having chest pains from vague anxiety. I wish I was not. It's making it hard to get work done and I don't even know what touched this off. My morning was completely normal. Nothing upsetting has happened. Why do I feel like my chest is being squeezed?
@WithAnH ugh, that is the worst. hugs. Spoiler i don't get actual pain unless I'm really bad, but I get like.. not tickling, just Vague Unbearable Physical Sensation in my torso region when I breathe. which doesn't help with breathing evenly.
Spoiler: *sob sob* I miss my girlfriend. ;__; All I want is sweet moirail snuggles, and she's 12 hours away and I won't see her until August. I haven't seen her since New Year's. General hugs are nice but... I want a specific hug.
hugs for all that want it Spoiler: bluh everything keeps hurting. on a waiting list for a joint specialist, finally, but ugh, I just want to be able to move around or exist without everything telling me Something Is Wrong. had to walk places two days ago and everything is still in so much more pain from that. Worried about going back to university, as well; it requires way more walking to get there than I can do without much pain, so I'm going to be wiped and aching for days after every class and that will just stack since I don't have three or four days in between each class to recover. :/
Having a bad day. Spoiler: blugh I'm all shaky and twitchy and frustrated, and it's stupid, I'm stupid. I hate my teacher and I want to do soemthing, but work doesn't need me and my teacher is bound and determined to keep us all cooped up in the classroom for the next week like he hasn't learned yet that we only have six weeks total for his class. I hate him so much, he always refuses to take responsibility for his actions, "boo hoo my hands are tied, the the syllabus that no one else follows dictates that we muuuuuuust, I can't do anything about it, I'm never wrong, I was just testing you, whhhhhhaaa" hatehatehatehatehatehatehaaaaaaate. He talks so fucking much and wastes so much fucking time and acts like any complaints anyone might have are stupid unreasonable, and he talks about other students when they're not there and talks about himself and his family too goddamn much, like we're his friends and not his fucking students there to learn how to fucking weld fucking pipe. And it's stupid, I'm stupid, I'm being so fucking unreasonable, and I should just shut up and die, but I want to hurt someone, I want to hurt myself, I want to go to sleep for six months and have everything be better, goddammit. Everything sucks, I suck, my head hurts and my shoulder keeps jerking up, and I'm just such a fucking idiot.
Spoiler: More pain shit + self worth issues I HURT. Most of my back issues sorted themselves out as much as they can when your skeleton regularly makes sounds like fucking bowl of Rice Krispies so. Yay there. But I have my migraines and my clusters and the way that my hands never stop hurting and sometimes my shoulders feel like I just got stabbed with a frozen ice pick and I just hurt all the goddamn time. Something always fucking hurts. And this past week everything has been mounting and I missed therapy because I felt so shitty and I've had two week migraine and I have an appointment tomorrow and still need to take a shower but I don't know if I can even stay standing that long because my skeleton feels like it's made of FUCK and I've been sleepless and having nightmares and my head feels like it's being drilled through and I'm tired and I can't think and I HURT. I FUCKING HURT. But I've been so completely fucked over by my life that I have no idea how to communicate any of this beyond occasional, tentative, tiny, quiet mentions. And my family's response to pain that they can't immediately identify a cause for is "take a pill and cope" because we've all got Poverty Damage (they've all had times they flat couldn't AFFORD to see someone every time something goes screwy) and there's seven people in this house and three more in the trailer out back and unless something is spurting blood or turning funny colors or you're throwing up from pain you wait for your twice-yearly doctor's appointment. And because it's my family and everyone's got Important Stuff to be doing and I'm so fucked up I can't do anything but curl myself down as small as I can and Try Not To Be In The Way all the time I can't get anyone to help me and it's MY FUCKING FAULT. And I'm completely disgusted at being able to talk so big but I can't do anything to help myself and I'm mad at my family for not noticing and then I'm guilty about it because I don't let myself display any obvious signs of pain (physical or emotional) unless it's too much for me to hold in, it's not even an intentional thing I just Don't Let Myself. So I'm mad at myself AGAIN and. I really wish I could cancel this appointment too but it's with County Mental and good luck ever rescheduling anything with them ever and I am beyond out of spoons. And I'd still need to take a fucking shower anyway because I am beyond disgusting and I think the oil in my hair is becoming self-aware. I wish I had an off switch. I'd like to just Not Exist for a minute. I just want it all to STOP, just for a moment.
*hugs everyone in the hugbox, and dispenses tea and biscuits* Spoiler: Hugs required - hospital talk My mum's being kept in hospital for 24 hours (initially - they're not sure if it'll be longer). It's an ear infection thing and they're keeping her so she can be given antibiotics intravenously. She's fine, and I know it's not a big deal, and I know she'll be out soon. It's just that for as long as I've been alive neither of my parents have had to have overnight hospital stays (except my mum when she had my sister) and it feels weird. I feel silly for being anxious because it's a pretty routine thing, but there we go.
*hugs for everyone* Spoiler: need virtual hugs because real ones are not an option :( I'm currently feeling very vulnerable. I am insecure about the fact that I am almost 24 (next month) and have never been on a date, that I have never been kissed and that to date I am not sure that anyone has ever been attracted to me, really... And I am jealous of my housemate who recently came out of relationship and is already talking to all these people on Tindr, when I have been on OKC for what feels like forever, and have written what I consider to be a really witty and interesting profile, and rarely get meaningful messages. Nor do I get replies to the messages I do send, and I am jealous of happy people in relationships. Also, I haven't seen my parents in 4 weeks, and they don't have time to come up to Almelo the coming weekends, and I don't have time to go to Groningen the next coming weekends, so I am likely to not see them until October, and I really need a hug. And my mum is the only one who can give me a hug, because of my stupid brainweird.
Spoiler: Stuff to do with weight I thought I had finally found somewhere to do horsebackriding around here, but they have a weight limit that I am at least 25 kilos above which means that I don't get to ride because it's not good for the horses. And I understand. I completely understand! It just sucks, because I was finally halfway happy with my body, and now I don't get to do one of my favourite hobbies any more because of my weight :( And it sucks, and it feel unfair, and I want to go horsebackriding...
