things i guess

i feel guilty when people spend money on me or buy me things and in the end i'd rather live without the guilt of being the person who mooches off of everyone they know

 

Then what can you do for pay? Can you draw, even doodles that you think are shitty but someone might like? Can you write? Can you talk with people? There's a LOT of gray are a in between taking charity and working all by yourself on the free market. Emergency sketch commissions? Emergency poem commissions?

Or even staying online talking to someone else who needs someone to talk to right now?

 

i can draw but i can't draw consistently when i'm this fucked up. i mostly just. do whatever. i don't have marketable skills really beyond that

i suck

 

What if you sell IOUs for sketches later? Take the money now, use it to become not-fucked-up enough to draw, then pay ppl back in drawings so it isn't charity? Peeople wait for commissions all the time for all sorts of reasons. & loans are a thing, investing in you now might pay off when you're feeling better. im sure people here would understand needing to wait, it happens with busy artists all the time, & getting you back to a point where you can draw, & to a point (again or for the first time) where you havemarketable skills will be better than never getting to see happy-productive-you.

I suck too & I can't promise there's an end to this road but some days there are waystations, at least?

 

i would, but when i've done this in the past i never actually DO the sketches. and then i feel guilty. and awful.

i'm always so fucked up i can never actually function to get things done in a timely manner

 

I wonder why that is. There's a lot here that I'd like to tease out and ask you about, that sounds like there might be some issues I can see with distorted thinking? but I'm tired & you're in crisis so now's not really the time.

Its' great that you can take this kind of objective view of what you've done before & predict the future based on the past instead of assuming if you plan it it'll work, but right now isa crisis & if you don't have another choice maybe you should take the risk. At least if you're alive when the consequences come to roost then you'll be able to deal with them then. & you can't work on learning to keep promises any better if your dead. & alive facing a bunch of undone commissions you'll owe in a couple months or whenever is better than dead before you get to then, right?

& it sounds like there are some problems you need to be looking for long-term solutios for, youknow that seebs & Jesse have to hire help to get through the day, you know there are things youcan do for ADD (if that's what you have??) or depression, & you cannot find the answers if you die now. You can't deal with your long-term fucked-up-ness if you don't deal with your literally-starving-right-now-ness first.

Also I dont' know you & your issues & your curcumstances very well & I can't be sure this means anything for you but I do similar things like you're describing with the not getting things done, & that's a thing where I notice I reall have improved a little over time. & from "never manage to keep promises" to "keep promises a lot but also fail a lot & it's sometimes hit or miss & late a lot" turns out it's a really big & important difference.

IDK & I have to sign off now. I really hope you can pull through.

 

i'm diagnosed with severe chronic depression.

long term solutions are hard i have a very difficult time actually conceptualizing a future, because the most i can think about is a day or so ahead before things hit the "yeah okay i guess" level of not really being able to comprehend

everything sucks and i'm tired and i't slike day three of me not bothering to eat and i keep getting headaches

i hate having to deal with body functions.

 

Can you please do a thing for me and try and find a snack? Your headaches are very likely linked to the lack of food. Drink some water while you're up.

 

if i went and got something it wouldn't be mine and it feel guilty about eating it, regardless of whether or not the thing was allowed to be eaten

there is probably food but i just. it's not mine, i can't touch it.

 

Please? Ask the person you're staying with. Maybe tell them how you're feeling right now. You don't have to go through this alone.

 

they have better things to worry about than me

 

I think you should let them decide that for themselves.

 

/shrug

still not their problem

 

Again, I think you should let them decide that for themselves. You're staying with them, so clearly they care enough to offer you a space.
Let someone help you.

 

i don't know why i should

it seems pointless

soon enough people will forget i existed anyways. i could disappear and no one would be all that upset

 

If you won't do it for yourself, can you do it for me? Just to humor me? Let someone here buy you something to eat, tell them a story or something in exchange about something that made you smile once.
As for anyone not being upset, I would be. Pretty sure the person you're staying with would be too.

 

it's 2 in the morning here there is nowhere to get food and honestly i stood up for a while while showering and felt sick and my heart was thudding badly so really i don't think going anywhere is an option either

 

Rest up for now,have a drink of water, and then figure it out in the morning. Hug your dog.