Things that are currently annoying you

One day people will stop using the word karma like asshats.

And only this brings me delight.

But that delight barely quells my fury.

 

And a tangentially related annoyance is Buddhism being treated as an "easy" religion. It is easy if you follow one of the specific sects that made it an easy religion in reaction to the predominant sects being austere crazy monk shit or just something that shits far too much on certain sorts of people.

Buddhism as a whole is not easy though. In fact it can be very hard work. The one Chinese temple I've been to designed the grounds to look like rice paddies.

Because Buddhism is hard, back breaking work. Very rewarding work. But work.

 

Hanging out in airports. I fucking hate it, but my brainweird won't allow me to come to the airport later than two hours before. Also there's a dude eating crisps two seats away from me and it's highly annoying

 

i fucking hate group projects and i want to slap people really really hard

 

aaaaaaaaaaauuuugh

aaaaugh aaaaugh aaaaaaaaaaaaauuugh

EVERYTHING

i've rage-quit Minecraft like six times today

I wish I could flip a switch to shut off the part of my brain that is annoyed and turn back on the part that takes walks and doesn't afraid of anything

 

Wanting to do things but lacking motivation to do things

 

I have run out of patience for some people. Too bad they are indispensable.

 

Annoying brain weird.

Spoiler: This turned into a long rant and a lot of unhappy family bs

I stayed up til 4 or 5 watching FMA:B, looking for something in it. Slept til after noon. Embarrassed, I hid in my room on Tumblr til after all the housemates left to go... Somewhere. I don't know where. No "hey we're going to X" on the message program we all use, so I can't join them without asking if I can and where they are, and somehow I feel too fragile to ask and be rejected. So I'm lurking here, paranoid/anxiety wondering if the exclusion is deliberate or just a feature of sleeping til all hours.

Feeling fragile and sensitive and hyperdefensive and bitter and hassled. Feeling I have people I'm obligated to get in contact with (Dad told me to keep my phone on, meaning be ready to pick up whenever he felt like calling. I left it on, but on mute and I didn't look at it for the last two days. ~Technically I did what you told me!! It's too bad you weren't more clear.~ ~Maybe you should order me to do things I don't want to do~? Then you can be the one to get hostile first~!
>Things I'm unlikely to just say. And am not sure if I mean them, or if those are just intrusive thoughts.

I don't trust others to tell me when something bothers them, not in a polite and timely manner. If they're bothered they're annoyed, and if they're annoyed then they'll have a temper, and if they don't want to hurt then they'll bottle it up until they feel better, but they won't feel better until they express it, so they'll build up the pressure until they explode and hurt me, and blame it on not wanting to hurt me!

And yet that's an exaggeration, a rare extreme of things. People do tell me things before they're exploding, and often. Slight irritation is not temper tantrum. And yet it feels similar. So what I don't trust is myself to work with critique and complaint, not without flinching and deflecting and defending myself with excuses or denials, or to wilt and ~just listen~ without interruption or indeed without feeling like I have a right to express my feelings about it, because it's not about how I feel it's about what I did/didn't do, and the only responses I should give are clarification questions so I understand and can do it right next time, and acknowledgements / answers to questions asked of me.

Ugh. That really doesn't sound any better. I just... When I was thinking the roomies left without me to punish me for this or that, I found I was unwilling to go anywhere until they returned. That I was sitting in accessible places where they could find me, practically posing with unhappiness-but-not-manipulative-looking so I would seem like I regretted my actions and had reached a point of saying sorry. To prove I was sorry so they didn't need to tell me why I should be, no sitting down to ~have a talk about some concerns we've been having~ or to leaves letter on my door saying I crossed a line and shouldn't be in touch with them again. That if they caught me being happy, being unaffected by guilt of my actions or my inaction (why are you playing video games when you should be job hunting? Have you been doing this all day? Swirl you need to----) then it would be proof against me. That if I look like I'm fine then they'll treat me like I'm fine, and if they realize I'm not that I'm harmed by their actions then they'll be all I'm sorry but. Unfortunate necessity, out of my hands, Don't just sit there and blame your pain on my actions, get up and do something about it yourself, you need more initiative, you need to want things and take steps to make those things happen, you need and I can't do this for you I can't do everything for you I can't make this happen you need.

But really that's distorted echoes of my parents during the worst of their failure to divorce properly, when they were stressed and angry and splashing it everywhere, so unhappy and low in confidence the both of them that they never fucking bothered to teach me or my brother how to be happy or confident. ~How can you teach what you do not know?~ ~Gosh swirl, you shouldn't be so angry at them, they were just doing the best they could!~

You don't get that excuse though, Swirl. You weren't doing the best you could, were you? You should have done more to help yourself. The unhappiness and pain you feel is ~just what you get!~ when you don't! ~It's a parent's job to help their kids grow up! The worst pain either of your parents feels is the hurt and shame that you're not well and happy. It's their main validation in life, seeing that they raised two great kids! What are you doing, doing nothing with your life? Don't you appreciate all they did for you? Why are you just sitting here and invalidating all they did? Are you just trying to punish them? Ha, I bet that's it! You're so caught up in being angry at them that you can't let yourself see how they love you and ~just want what's best for you~. You'll understand if you ever have kids. Your kids are the most important thing to you. You always put your kids ahead of yourself. Always. Don't you dare say I didn't do my best to take care of you, Swirl. Don't you dare say I didn't try. Don't you dare hold my mistakes against me I'm only human and so are you, who do you think you are? Do you think you're better than me? A parent's job is to make sure their kids are better than they are. Don't you dare look down on me until you've been through what I've been through. I need to know that you're happy, that you're doing well, Swirl, I'll do anything I can to help you just give me a call. You have no idea how lucky you have it, Swirl, you're so used to having everything just handed to you that you've become such an entitled bitch.

Uggggggggggggggh.

Fucking alcoholic codependent mother, who hates being told what to do so she can't handle long-term jobs working for others, who put on a pleasantville ~everything's fine~ mask the first half of my life, but it rotted and cracked and she gets nasty when drunk. Fucking absent father who turned to work where at least he could FIX broken things (unlike their marriage) and worked fucking 70-80 hour weeks to make enough to cover all the fucking terrible budgeting, who has a short hot temper and some real clumsiness about gentle emotions because it's sure not like his brothers and dad are gentle. Their fucking pattern of (support) (where's the results supporting was supposed to make) (irritation about lack of progress, irritation that only grows when I deflect/excuse or when I wilt and do nothing) (regrets and new perspective and realization that none of that helped) (new support). UGHH.

Right now I want to say fuck the phone and fuck visiting him and my maternal grandmother in Maine, fuck them both in part because Mom claims they're the ones who got so much toxic into her, and isn't it fucking strange that my dad would encourage me to visit his ex-wife's mother? Or is it that Mom brought out the worst in everyone, and now that he's separated from mom he can see the person of my grandmother instead of the burden and monster? I don't know I don't know I don't know how to know I've been running anxious circles for two hours and

Like

I've been completely blowing off the Skype chat and the Nobilis game because I realized how very very fucking sore I am about the pedestal thing my mom does and maybe my character idea was fucking terrible idea, I don't trust myself to be appropriate about it, but but but.... Ugh.

 

It would be great if my family didn't respond to me not feeling well and skipping lunch by leaving both the lunch and dinner dishes for me to deal with. If I get worse, I'm going to vomit on their sheets and blame the cat.

 

Visits to relatives. Unexpected dinner at restraunt. Unexpected jazz festival after unexpected dinner. No actually we're not going to the unexpected jazz festival we're going to the unexpected fireworks. Unexpected fireworks are predictably fucking loud. Oh good they're over let's leave.

This is not the way we came. O...kay, we are just walking back a different way... getting yelled at for walking too fast... too crowded, people everywhere, too fucking loud... getting yelled at for talking too loud... how the hell anyfuckingone else can tell when I can't even hear myself I don't even fucking know... oh, OH, we're going this way cause you wanna get a beer and you're asking me if it sounds like a good idea like I'm supposed to say yes? WELL, I ... can't say yes because that would be a lie but I can't say no because you want me to say yes OH MY FUCKING GOD HOW IS IT LOUDER IN HERE THAN IT IS ON THE STREET FUCK YOU I'M NOT YELLING YOU'RE YELLING oh look now we're leaving, back to car, GOOD, oh wait mom can't find parking ticket gotta wait while she dumps her whole purse on the floor in the parking garage whatever OK fine where's the car... not where we left it, ok don't panic don't panic OH we walked up an extra floor OK now let's get in th... WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR KEYS ARE GONE FUIUUCK

so anyways how was y'all's 4th of julys

 

ARGH. The stupid Royal Mail has 'lost' the tracked and insured envelope I sent off to the Passport Office with the original copies of my marriage certificates in it. The Passport Office refuses to issue a passport in my name without the original copy and are threatening to close my application, the RM are saying that we have to admit a claim form which could take six weeks to process, I can't just pop into the Registrar and pay for a new certificate because we were married abroad and it could take four months to receive a new certificate, and I'm going on holiday in just under 9 weeks. The application was submitted weeks ago, the Tax Office and NHS and umpteen other bureaucratic organizations know me in my new name, I had to get someone to sign my photo to verify that yes, that really is me, and I still don't have my SODDING PASSPORT even though I am a British citizen born in this country who has never lived anywhere else.

*screams into a cushion*

 

My skin is awful. I never had zits in the Middle East, and I don't know what it is about Canada's climate but it's wrecking my skin. Even my shoulders and arms are covered in zits! And my skin's so dry, it doesn't make sense. I hate Canada and want to go back.

 

@Mattias

I get zits when I get lactose in my food. It might be something in the food that can cause you to break out, despite the general dryness.

 

It's a small thing, but a skunk did the skunky thing outside my house. And since I keep my window cracked during the summer, the smell is so strong that my eyes are burning. :(

 

@hoarmurath Hmm that's possible, I hadn't thought of that. I did use to be lactose intolerant, but I thought it had gone away. I'll try to narrow down what it is. Thanks for the tip!

 

@Mattias

You are welcome.

 

@Mattias You could be zitty BECAUSE your skin is dry. Skin dries out, produces more oils to self-moisturize, ends up clogging up pores instead. Mine does that, at least.

Coconut oil is absolutely amazing as a moisturizer, cleared me right up. Apparently it has antibacterial properties too, I dunno, could be Hippy Mom Pintrest Voodoo, but it works great and a is like, $6 in the cooking oils aisle and lasts you like, 6 years if you just use it on your face. I'm halfway through one after 3mos using it as face/body lotion and hair mask.

Personal: Shark week is somewhere between 2-5 day late (This is not unusual, it's been late for 2 weeks or more because my internal clock is run by several rather dim ferrets or possibly a single slightly intoxicated goat) what IS unusual is craaaaaaamps fuck damn it hasn't been this bad in months.

 

mini pigs and people not understanding just how big potbellies get
like
a pig is sexually mature at 3 months but not fully sized until it's six years old, that cute lil thing u bought will be three hundred fucking pounds
a mini pig is just something that unethical breeders sell to people who don't know how pigs work, the sow and boar that you're being shown as the parents if you're shown them at ALL are ridick young and usually purposefully underfed so that they stay stunted, and the care facts you're given on them often have you underfeed the fuck outta your new piglet too, asdfghjkl the internet exists plz google things and confirm shit with multiple impartial sources before you go buy a real live animal i will hunt you down and take your pig and i don't even like pigs but at least i know basic husbandry


this
this has come up several times recently both on and off the internet and i can't holler at my coworker for being dumb unless i want to be stuck scooping animal shit for the rest of my life but at least i can pull an old man yells at cloud on the internet

 

@Aviari cool thanks, I'll give that a shot. Seems I know zilch about acne.

Re: shark week. Much sympathy, I never know when mine is going to show up and that's so inconvenient. I hope the cramps don't last too long.

 

@craptor I live on a farm and we've ended up taking in a number of potbellied pigs over the years because people bought them with no knowledge and thought they would stay tiny and cute, and guess what, they turned into a hog that was way too big to have in the house. As pigs do. I don't know what people would have done if they hadn't found us to offload the animals on, I don't really want to think about it.

Spoiler: animal cruelty

We've had a lot of people dumping unwanted kittens or housecats on our property too, and they don't usually survive, or we don't find them in time and they need medical care we can't afford, so they get put down. It's really sad. People are so irresponsible with animals.