I am just feeling really sad today. I'm disgusted by the coverage of the protests in Baltimore. I don't have the spoons to get into arguments with people who haven't heard or seen anything but what the media is saying. I'm just... so tired.
Spoiler: Whinging So, started doing TIG welding again, and wow, I suck just as super hard at it as I did the first time, and I'm getting just as panicky and stupid over it as before as well. I shouldn't be this upset about it. TIG is hard. The rods are like three feet long, naturally I'm gonna have some issues with control. It's an awkward style of welding, the position gonna be awkward, my hands are going to shake, and I'm gonna be sore at the end of the day with not a lot to show for it, cause on top of all that it's also slow as heck. I'm slow as heck. I know this, I fucking know it. It's not goddamn reason to cry or scream or want to drive a hot metal rod into the meat of my thigh. It's fine, I'm fine, dammit. I ought to be handling myself better than this. I ought to be capable of not being good at this without feeling like a piece of shit that's never going to succeed in my chosen field. I fucking knocked MIG and SMAW out of the park! Or, well, maybe not out of the park, but I got it down in a reasonable amount of time. TIG is hard, I'm inexperienced, I'll get it with time and practice. Or maybe I fucking won't, and who the hell would care? Nobody. It's not as big a deal as I'm making it out to be. It's never as big a deal as I make it out to be. I'm fine. Everything is fine. Conclusion: I'm a fucking idiot and I need to cool the hell down.
FINALLY I worried so much and got so anxious I am now actually physically ill! Oh boy, been a while since I had the excitement of feeling like I'm gonna puke at any second simply because emotions are hard! Yessss. ETA: And here's the funniest part: the anxiety actually started about something mild. I had a test I didn't know about, I managed to complete it and think I've earned myself a solid B, and then after I left the classroom the anxiety I'd suppressed during came rushing out and I was like "yeah this is OK". But then for some reason brain started going WAIT WE ARE WORRYING WHAT ARE WE WORRYING ABOUT HMMM WHAT IS THE MOST WORRIESOME THING??? IT'S YOUR FUCKED UP RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SCIZOTYPAL DAD WHO RECENTLY HAD A BREAKDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... yaaaaay.
THERE IS A LIST OF FORMATS I PREFER AND FORMATS I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT USE (BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT FUCKING IMAGE FORMATS) TAPED AT EYE LEVEL RIGHT ABOVE YOUR MONITOR READ IT STOP TELLING CUSTOMERS TO JUST GO AHEAD AND SEND ME A WORD DOC STOP USING THE "I DON'T KNOW COMPUTER STUFF" DEFENSE WHEN I ASK YOU FOR THE 10000000000000000TH TIME TO STOP TELLING CUSTOMERS IT'S COOL TO SEND ME SHIT I CAN'T WORK WITH YOU DON'T NEED TO "KNOW COMPUTER STUFF" YOU JUST NEED TO READ *wheeze*
Seriously. Seriously, sibling. You're bitching me out for not doing enough housework? I keep track of what I do. It is verifiably false that you have not been "cleaning almost everything when people come over", or "did all the lawn mowing last summer". And yeah, you did a good bit of the dishwashing this January, but that's because I burned out because I'd been doing two hours of chores every evening for a month, and six hours on Saturdays. And then I hurt my knee bad enough I could barely walk. Yes, I fucking burn out sometimes. We've been over this. I am very open about the fact that I clean like crazy for a few weeks and then crash out for a few weeks. I'm trying to even that out a bit. But I get overloaded and have depression issues, which you're also aware of. And you are not a fucking paragon of virtue either - see also, shit like the way you didn't pay me back on any of the bills you owed me for three months, until I got our parents involved. God fucking damnit, you asshole, this is why I was trying to institute full transparency and tracking from the beginning. Because of this. You dick. ETA: Okay, in less ragemode. I'm frustrated with my brother because I've been operating in good faith in the belief that we're both doing as much cleaning and household stuff as we're able to with the spoons we have, with him busy with school and me busy with work and easily overloaded. And I feel like, from what he's said, he's not only not noticed what I've been doing, but he's been secretly feeling like he's doing all the work, and harboring resentment about it. That annoys and upsets me both because I believe it to be inaccurate and because it implies to me that he is not and has not been operating in good faith. See also, various issues with parent, sigh.
Frustrated with people who insist mentally ill people are magically absolved of all wrongdoing and that pinning wrongdoing on mental illness/suggesting someone who did a bad thing is mentally ill is Automatically Ableist. Seriously, it pisses me off. (And yes, pomary, if you're reading this, I'm looking right the fuck at you.)
I've got a cold since about half a year that's been travelling between my sinuses and my throat, and I can't seem to shake it and it's annoying, I should've gotten my shots in December because my vaccines ran out because my mom never told me i need to redo them or even give me my damn impfpass until i bugged her about it.
Funding cuts to NASA Earth Science. Trying to decide if a rage post in the politics thread will make me feel better or worse.
:') it's been over a month since i was supposed to be paid and i'm waiting on less than half of the amount i was meant to be paid. will there be 11 or 800 dollars in my bank account today? no one knows
ugh, i keep having a 'nap' whenever i work a morning shift and wind up not waking up until 9-10ish. i've tried setting an alarm, but then i just go back to sleep after turnin it off.
The way my commute home has taken 3 hours because of a freeway accident. Fortunately I'm sitting on my butt on a bus and can thus play on phone.
Thanks professor, I definitely needed another semi-long paper announced very suddenly, without any way to have done it in advance, due right before finals week, on an emotionally painful topic that we haven't had enough time to discuss. Good job.
I've had a bit of a sour stomach all day, and as an oh-so-wonderful bonus I keep burping and it tastes like sulfur smells and it's so fucking gross and the taste won't go away no matter how much I brush my teeth. :(
Every time I confront my parents about something, they end up saying something like "just because your friends and some internet weirdos are saying we're awful horrible people doesn't mean that we are, it just means they're only saying that to make you like them" NO NO NO NO that's not right it's not
well all my medical shit decided to roll up on me at once but the thing that's really chapping my ass today is people talking about age of ultron on tumblr apparently it's horrible and problematic and joss wheedon is turbo hitler all of a sudden i saviored it but people keep ranting in the tags so i see them anyway even if i don't click 'show the post' i haven't even seen it yet, you assholes, i've been too fucked up and too busy with doctor visits to go, and i legit wore my captain america shirt to the hospital for courage because it helps me, these characters, these stories bring me such joy, but because the latest installment is imperfect it's like everyone who's already had a slice of cake is going BLEH BLEH TERRIBLE CAKE and spitting their chewed cake back on the platter before i even get to taste it for myself just let me like the thing you guys i'm having a really hard year so far just... let me like the thing ok :(
@jacktrash I feel you on that I'm so worried that somehow it'll ruin everything when I watch it and I just want to like the thing. =(
FWIW, the people I've talked to who aren't nutjobs report that it is an enjoyable superhero movie. It may not fully realize the worker's paradise or completely save society the way Wyld Stallyns would, but it's fun?
Soooooo I... kinda wound up burning out every electric outlet in my room save onetwo, but the other one doesn't have a cover on it and is behind a bookcase, when a metal necklace chain got caught between a loose plug and the outlet and I jostled them together by accident. And this happened roundabout a year ago. And I keep meaning to ask my dad to help fix it, but my room's been a hideous messy goon cave, and he's been busy. In the mean time, I've been running literally everything, including my fairly expensive computer and monitor on the other side of the room, off of a shitty little power strip that barely extends a foot from the one working outlet. AND NOW SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE. So the heat is starting to be an issue, but I can't use my ceiling fan (because it burned out), and I don't want to run my air conditioner off the power strip on top of everyone else (Also the air conditioner became home to a nest of birds over the winter. I got woken up at 5 the other day by some mourning doves having a conversation. That was fun.) So tl;dr I'm going to have to do that whole adult thing and get my room into some kind of shape that dad can work in, and also figure out a time when he can do that thing for me and get him to commit to it. And it's chafing the everloving shit out of my tits, lemme tell you.
