things that are currently making you anxious

i am doing several fun things tomorrow and i need to do them in the right order because of reasons. and i have to decide the right order based on information and circumstances. and a thing i wanted to do is now only viable if i expend a lot of effort and maybe some money, and it's hard to decide to do that.

 

My gums and jaw hurt like hell, my hormones are fucked thanks to my period, I'm going to have people over to argue about pointless wedding bits tomorrow and completely and repeatedly ignore my 'please I just want a candy bar' request for favors because NO I WANT TO HELP, LET ME SPEND A BUNCH OF MONEY ON THINGS YOU AND FIANCE DON'T WANT, OH WAIT I AM OUT OF MONEY, PLZ MONEY ME FOR FAVORS, I'm still too out of spoons to write despite wanting to write and slowly doing research and plotting, and I'm sad that I can't work on my fanfic anymore, because I partnered up with my ex-moirail to work on it but then we had the meltdown, and I'm sad we're not friends now, and I'm sad I'm too afraid to try and talk to her again because I'm worried I'm going to be pulled into a tumblr-is-being-mean-abstractly-and-I-can't-deal anxiety spiral every morning for the rest of the year like a year ago, and I'm just tired. I'm tired of being tired, I'm angry I chose the wrong medical plan because I can't get medication without spending 300+ bucks on a psychiatrist visit and risk not going on Lexapro which actually works for my anxiety (instead of being given Wellbutrin again, I keep telling people 'it doesn't work for me, I don't want to take this' but it's just 'Oh, but it will help with your acne and your weight, and it works for ADHD as well as anxiety and depression, so it's solving all your problems' and it's like BITCH IT DOES NOTHING BUT MAKE ME SWELL UP AND FORGET, LET ME TAKE THE THING THAT ACTUALLY WORKS FOR THE ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION SO I CAN LOSE WEIGHT AND GET A DERMATOLOGIST WHEN I AM HEALTHY and the ADHD doesn't really bother me much save for Executive Dysfunction which I finally can work around with a tablet but that requires me not clamping up with a feeling like my chest is sucking inwards like an atomic black hole beneath me, dragging down my ribcage and my throat and making me unable to do anything but squeeze my chest until I can breath again, and scream scream scream in my car when I'm driving because that's the only place no one can hear me shriek like a banshee)

 

Imposter syndrome!

Get a positive review -> clearly this is another set of people I'm going to horribly disappoint when they figure out that I'm a scatterbrained ball of neuroses who can't finish projects and I should hide in my car instead of going to work. Brain, can you not?

 

Thing that is currently making me anxious: The fact that my new relationship seems to be completely free of anxiety of any kind, and being with the date friend actually contributes to reducing my overall level of anxiety.

I am literally anxious over not having enough anxiety.

 

The fact that all of the most popular candidates for next year's presidential election (in France) are basically fascists.

 

Maybe my frequent wardrobe malfunctions today aren't a sign that I need to take the time to fix up my favorite shirt a bit, maybe they're just indicating that My Body Is Horrible, Forever, It Will Never Be Right And I Should Be Permanently Ashamed Of Daring To Presume To Dress It In Any Way Whatsoever

... then again, probaby not

 

im anxious because of coincidences and also magic thinking like "if this happens its symbolic and fuk u" and i know its just my brain being obsessive, but im still scared the certain thing shall happen

 

I'm anxious about this evening where I will be misgendered due to not being out to that part of family.
also me, my sister, and her boyfriend are going to be the only teens there. >:I

 

paying for school... financial aid in general. fuuuuuuu -- classes starting >.<

 

all change is Bad And Scary, even potentially pleasant changes. I don't want house renovations, that opens the gate for so much complaining about how I'm not helping enough, and it's so expensive, shouldn't I get a job to pay this for them

I don't even want winter curtains or a food I didn't expect or the shampoo being moved, that's too much change

 

i made the horrible decision to listen to i run by rosie thomas in the car. enclosed space + song about Bad Touch = dissociation. it's a beautiful song but i feel super worried about everything now

 

it's probably inevitable that I'm going to have to go check if a door was locked, I doubt I'll be able to sleep otherwise

just gonna. walk across the whole of a dark house, not able to turn on any lights in case it wakes someone up. to check a door that might be unlocked to all manner of murderers and wasps, probably. sounds great/like a survival horror game in the making

 

i have 16 dollars and my brain keeps getting hung up on it. i'm trying to self-promote but i've only got two commissions in the past, like, ever. my job starts on the first, but i don't think i even get paid till the 9th, and i have bagels and hummus and leftover chinese in the kitchen, and that's it. i'm also real shit at thinking rationally about things, so my immediate thought is "it'll be ok i'll just skip eating for a few days" but i'm supposed to Not do that anymore :/

 

I had to bring an extra thing with me to work today and spent the entire trip in irrationally afraid that I was going to lose it somehow.

 

It's finally getting reasonably close to the Big Day (my psychiatrist appointment, after almost two months of waiting) and, oh, boy, my brain is sure wigging out about it, swinging around between 'maybe you're better off not knowing, just keep doing what you're doing, eh?' and 'what if she thinks you're a Big Faker and you don't get any diagnosis?'

All of this is inane. I need to know, and picked out a psychiatrist specifically because she also does psychotherapy, has a lot of experience, and lists among her specialisations all of my many possible issues, so she should be able to figure out what's what, plus I've written down everything I want to say at this point - but this is doing absolutely nothing to keep my brain from chewing on its fingers, so to speak.

Can we like. Save the anxiety for the actual appointment. Can we just.

 

so im supposed to have a dars meeting tommorow, and i have no idea what to expect. i have a bit of a delay when people talk to me, like an auditory thing, so knowing what to expect is pretty crucial for ease of communication. it alzo allows me to not autorexpond to questions about my overall physical and mental state with overwheming false positivity, which would be counterproductive in this situation.

i say supposed to because i got an info packet to fill out for the meeting and it says my meeting is on the twentieth of september. so now im doubly anxious because of a radical change in plans that may or may not occur. its schrodingers meeting, i won know if its on or not til the box f tommorow is opened and its messin me up.

 

I can't solve a fucking chemistry thing and I'm feeling like such an idiot. Does not bode well for class.

 

dad wants to go out for lunch with me and hear about school stuff. I need to think of some bullshit because I have no idea how to talk to him about gender stuff, even though he already knows.

Can I bullshit an hour of talking about school supplies and fashion class and segway into making my john egbert cosplay for halloween?
maybe?
hahahha

 

RP. It´s managable but. -wild flailing-