things that are currently making you anxious

I made the mistake of reading about climate change and now I think I'm having an anxiety attack :|

Spoiler: anxiety rambles

climate change is definitely happening and it's important to know about but im really really scared and i feel really guilty for being this scared i dont know how to fix it i shut down when i think about it i dont want to even acknowledge it but i HAVE TO its IMPORTANT :| :| :| :(

hm. that actually helped a little? it's weird. I say all these things to myself in my head all the time. why doesnt it help then?

 

i accidentally came out to one of my dormmates and now he'll tell everyone probably
and like it's fine he didn't react poorly or anything but i didn't mean to and i didn't want to
and the thought of him watching me and scrutinizing me and my identity makes me feel ill and i still feel ill lmao i'm pathethic

 

Dad: we're going to the store Thursday, you know what you want to get, right?
me: of course! [has no idea what they want even though they had several days to decide, is panicking now that it's Thursday]

how does one grocery shop, can I just buy peaches and nothing else

Spoiler: eta

woops, now it's time to cry about how I used to be able to do all my grocery shopping just fine, but now I can't even pick and buy food for just a few days

where are my life skills going

 

dad decided that this saturday is a "we (ie everyone except me) need to clean the house"
now im just waiting for someone to go "you need to do a chore too!"
my back hurts, I was supposed to do my own laundry today, I need to shower, I needed to do my homework due monday, I am exhausted from my first week back at school, I just want to cry and collapse, and im freaking out internally because I dont feel safe because someone is going to tell me to do things and its too much

I was going to do the things I needed to do, but adding this pressure and its too mcuh
also I'm sick. do you really want me to fold the fucking clean laundry?

 

anytime i hear dad walking around upstairs i jump and brain starts to freak out again because he always sounds like he's stomping

 

Stepmom just called, asked me to verify my address and full date of birth for her, said she would "fill [me] in later", and hung up.

¿???¿¿

god dammit you know I got anxiety now I'm freaking out wondering who's in the hospital/getting sued/in jail/whatever

 

Sometimes I really love playing in this pathfinder group
Then any other player gets off-topic and within five minutes every other sentence is trans- and/or homophobic, misogynist, dismissive of mental illness, politically charged, and incredibly fucking uncomfortable to my queer AFAB anxious ass
And (also queer, also anxious) DM also doesn't have the spoons to steer the others back onto safer topics!! Which is not his fault but oh my god I just want to play this game and have fun not get into a half-hour lecture """debate"" about whether another game's fan base is becoming ""too SJW and gay""" and how women ruin everything!!!!!

I mean on the upside I made it out of the room before I started panic crying but. [Screaming]

eta: and now me and DM are apology-spiralling over text this is greeeeeat his week's already been shit I didn't need to set off his anxiety on top of everything

 

SENIOR FILM

I changed my idea to a collab thing but the professors like 'this ideas only gonna be cool if its AMAZING AND PERFECT and im like. plz chill. but i cant dkljsalfj say that because what kind of student is like 'eh, i dont know, winning awards would be cool but aiming for that feels like death' 'i just wanna graduate and maybe get a job but if i dont its not the end of the world' 'actually my goal for this term is do things before the last minute more than half the time and dont have any complete and total breakdowns' and hhhhhhhhhh. i just wanna get through this term and hope that next term's prof is ok with me being lower goal oriented

and he sorta like. implied he could be more mean to me to motivate me if he had to/i wanted him to which is rly freaking me out. like. NO. if you yell at me ill start skipping class and getting nothing done and you cant force me to do good anymore, i havent gotten a fucking single C grade in college yet, I could get a D in every single fucking class this year and still graduate, YOU CANT STOP ME FROM SUCKING IF I WANT TO

screams
i want to be out of school
but im also not ready to be out of school, my art sucks and i have no other skills

 

tried to be funny with a friend on tumblr. not sure if was actually funny. panic

 

Fuckin' Prozac is definitely helping my (freshly-diagnosed, yay, what a shock. Not) OCD but not my depression. Got me all kinds of worried about like, what if it doesn't work? It's supposed to take two weeks, so there's another week before I can say...

Edit: Oh. Okay. It may take up to six to eight weeks. Okay, okay.

Plus, going back to work For Real tomorrow. I hope I can do this.

 

A few people I know from a religious youth group I've attended are currently awaiting trial for blockading a nuclear weapons facility. This is a thing members of said religion have done plenty of times in the past, though I don't know what the legal outcomes of their actions were. The trial is this December. I'm worried for them. I know there wouldn't have been any violence or vandalism involved, because our group is opposed to those things. But the idea that the judge might make examples of them... Idk. (Though in addition to the anxiety I'm also proud of them for standing up for their ideals).

 

that my calc prof keeps posting the homework due at the next weeks recitation on thursday night. some people have recitation on friday the next week so its fine. mine is on tuesday. i have like 3 days to do a large number of challenging problems that are graded for correctness, not effort.

 

I just want senior film to be a fun time but its not allowed to be a fun time ;-;

 

An evil wizard cast an anxiety out of nowhere spell on me today. Just minding my own business and all of a sudden "hey, you should have anxiety about the fact that you're attempting to relationship". Thanks, brain! I just love stressing about whether I'm attracted to the seemingly nice person I'm seeing and what if he tried to kiss me and oh my god oh my god feelings are hard what do? I just love starting to cry on the way to class. Really, I do!

And also the downstairs neighbors are fighting very loudly at night again. For the third night in a row. Called the landlord and he said basically all he could do was talk to them and tell them to keep it down after 10pm.

 

I've been doing a text rp for the past few days, I love it but I get anxious for no reason and think that a million things have gone wrong. I've got myself all worked up about it and now I can't open the chat program to check because some catastrophe is waiting for me.

 

i keep putting this homework off more and more and im like,,,, ugh,, im so stressed about puttin this homework off that i put it off more

 

... ftr i feel that so much. -hugs if wanted, hands spiky bat for brainwasps-

 

there are Too Many Sounds in my life right now, I'd like them to stop

 

ok seriously, who makes an assignment due next class, in 48 hours, in the middle of the school week be 'oh, just draw someone's head 6 times, try to really understand what makes their face unique'
like. you literally went over skull structure and basic head proportions today and now its like, go forth, in one day, while you have two other classes happening, make six portraits of a human. itll be great.
uggggh this sucks and im totally gonna get a C on this assignment because like. wow, it would actually be really handy for me to slowly do this assignment and work on my face abilities, but no, i had two days to do it which means, in my execuctive dysfunction head, that i'm gonna do it within three hours of work maximum, while progressively getting more and more tied and fed up with life.

 

Oh God, I just found out we're past the climate change tipping point.

We're all gonna die horribly or wind up in some hellish dystopian future where we have almost no resources on our rapidly dying planet and it's going to be all our fault and by 'our' I mean 'mine, personally, because I kept not turning off my laptop and using up too much electricity' and I was hoping people could fix it before it got really bad but no one's doing anything about it and I don't know how to do anything about it I practically have an executive-dysfunction-induced freakout every time someone so much as asks me to sign a change.org petition and it looks like the only way out is to die before it gets too bad which was my original backup plan if I couldn't do anything but I thought that'd be at the end of my roughly average human lifespan not just a few years from now and I can't die yet because I don't know if there's an afterlife and oblivion is terrifying as a prospect and I'm sad and tired and SCARED.

Okay, having actually put that out somewhere instead of just screaming internally helped a little, but I'm still very upset.