things that are currently making you anxious

Your laptop uses barely ten dollars worth of energy in a year of consistent use, using your laptop isn't a major contribution to climate change .3. i know thats not a huge comfort but I hope it helps a little!

 

i'm sick and tired and doing stuff is really hard and i'm freaking out about my research and things getting pushed back and falling behind and then the terrible rush to catch up AND ON TOP OF IT i feel like I can't even say I'm sick because i haven't seen the specialist yet and who knows when that will happen!! in the meantime i'm just like "this is fine, you're probably exaggerating" as i fall asleep at 8 at night and have headaches and shortness of breath and am cold all the time and am

Spoiler: gross GI stuff

shitting blood and tissue/mucus/fat (???)

 

I hate being in the car when other people are driving in congested traffic on the highway. I'm just like, nope, someone's gonna swerve and we won't have room and we'll all die. This is it.

 

Okay, no, that is definitely not fine.

You deserve to have your concerns and feelings taken seriously, not just dismissed out of hand as exaggeration, and also I am a medical student and that is seriously not fine please see a doctor.

 

I am super emotional today and this made me tear up, thank you for your concern, it means a lot.

I've been to the regular family care doctors and they said "Oh hey, you need to go to the gastroenterologist" and so I made an appointment, but it's. On January 30th, apparently the soonest they had available. I'm looking into some other options, but of course the money thing is pretty limiting (school insurance covers school specialist, not outside people). They did some blood tests and checked my hemoglobin levels, which were low but not dangerously so (according to Dr.).

So on top of being sick/having this junk go on, I'm feeling like I have no options besides going with this and waiting and hoping. At least I also have hospital/emergency room visit coverage in case things get dire....

 

'increasing incidents of people dressed as clowns carrying weapons in various cities' is not something I want my brain to latch onto, doesn't matter that it's probably 99% empty hysteria, and I definitely need to avoid reading articles about it

2016 needs to calm the fuck down

 

I thought I ordered a coat a month ago for cosplay, but I never did, so I spent two hours trying to find one online that wo lull arrive before November. But reviews say that it'll be really short. I'm a tall person, I need something longer!

We don't have a sewing machine so everything has to be done by hand... augh, I'm gonna run out of time....

 

Everything.

 

I want soup bc sick and canned soup is like 0 spoon
But swallowing hurts and what if hot food hurts and what if I starve bc I can't figure out how to eat a can of fuckign soup (it's not like?? There's nothing else in the house to eat?? Okay Brain)

Eta: soup achieved, not any more painful to drink than water. A+

 

My neck is hurting out of nowhere and i dont know why. im holding back tears and can't think straight

 

I like how as soon as I'm not high off my ass on fever my brain decides I'm Not Sick Enough to justify missing work, even though I'm still hacking up a lung every five minutes and definitely couldn't handle 7 hours straight of talking
I only have an hour left to call off, come on brain, get with the program

 

(you're definitely sick enough, call off, feel better soon =( )

 

Spoiler: oh look, more screaming about work and sick

The doc appt is tomorrow, but tomorrow is also my hella early shift, if I have to call out from that one it'll be before there's even a manager at the store and I don't know if that's?? Possible?? But if I go to work am I really sick enough to need the appt?? The jank-ass dizzy spells from Friday haven't come back and they were really the only reason I bothered making it in the first place so why fucking bother?? (But also if this is pneumonia or what the fuck ever I should? Probably?? Do the thing? So I don't die of stupid?) I can't just no-call-no-show to either work or the doc but mrrrrrrh

 

Spoiler: this is literally all my fault

grad students shouldn't have an immediate terror reaction when getting an email from their advisor, right? I'm getting nowhere, I chose this myself, the idea of everything involved with getting a Ph.D is terrifying, why did I decide to do this? also I changed my calendar page and I can see the GRFP due date and it's freaking me out. So much. only two weeks. fuck

 

Spoiler

my mother is being much more affectionate lately and it makes me so uncomfortable i dont know what or when this happened but it was recent because it's only been happening for a few weeks i think i just??? she asks me how my dreams were and wants to kiss/hug me and this is so stupid because those are good things but akdgwusg im just really really uncomfortable

also she's been singing

WHY

 

Exam in 1 and a half days.
I'm sick. As in, I have a cold.
I haven't studied nearly enough.
I hate everything about this.

 

Spoiler

I made a Coming Out Day post on Facebook and forgot that, although I hid it from my work colleagues, there were Other People that might see it. And while it's all fine, it's sparked a casual conversation (unrelated to the post, thankfully) and now I am anxious over having to unexpectedly converse with someone who is not a close friend and it's manifesting in me over-editing all of my messages and I'm exhausted from trying so hard even though I don't even have to? And it's only been like. 6 messages total. But she's completely chill and I know I don't need to get worked up like this? But ahh I can't help but feel like I'm reaaaally awkward at all times. And it's just. Not Cool.

 

when your girlfriend (who suffers from depression and has recently self-harmed) messages you saying 'I did something stupid' and then explains that she and her friend have been filling condoms with water for shits and giggles

I worry about her enough (to the point of actual anxiety attacks) without this tbh

 

Hahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahah oh fuck my life and family

Ask about signing up for ballroom classes. Mom says its probably fine, but waiting until January
Go back downstairs, try to be happy that I'll actually be excercising, and what does my sister do? Bitterly say she asked about taking ballroom dancing classes 2 years ago. And then I try to say we,could sign up together, but she says no I don't care, they obviously don't want to waste money on me

 

I just remembered that the numbers you call show up your phone bill, so whatever crisis hotlines I use will show up on the family bill, where either of my parents could notice and look it up. which means no calling the trans hotline. like, probably they don't check it at all, but even a tiny chance feels too risky

at least I stalled long enough to think of that, but fuck me, I'm an idiot