things that are currently making you anxious

Spoiler: I can't adult

talking with sis about moving in with her once she's done the school thing but like

$100/week is not a livable income even in Rural Assville, PA-- I could handle food for one person OR one (1) bill OR part of rent, and this isn't including Necessary Expenses like, yknow, lifelong medications and gas for the car and whatever the fuck else happens (because something always happens-- something broke or someone got sick or or or). And Sis is still working part-time so her income isn't much better, but Aunt probably won't cover the rent of the apartment like she is currently if I move up because it's [Sis and Cousin]'s apartment not [Sis and Me] (nevermind that Cousin probably won't be going to that campus for years, if ever :|) so we'd need to either find someplace new (with higher rent probably) or somehow pull money out of our asses to cover the entire rent plus other bills

but I do not trust myself to be able to handle a Real Full-Time Job, even 20 hours a week feels like Too Much even though I don't get benefits from working part-time and Stepdad's insurance won't cover us forever and medical insurance is kind of necessary, see also: lifelong medication and also maybe theoretically whatever the fuck else I end up needing if I ever get off my ass and find a psych for the anxiety thing and/or the abuse thing (or, yknow, sis doing so as well, I am not the only one with brainbugs in this equation even if we mesh well)

I can't do this I can't I'm going to fail everything and either be a leech or die I can't do this

 

I want to talk to people but I can't so I'm just laying here under a cloud of sadness and anxiety.

Like, even if I talked to them I wouldn't know what to say because I'm in a not very good state right now.

I wish people could just be nearby and we could cuddle under a blancet and watch tv, and I could feel safe.

 

haha i had a week and a half off school due to a hurricane and i still didnt get my homework done

am i great or what

 

I have a 2000-word essay due in ten days

I have no executive function

do you see my problem

 

@amberbydreams @neukoln Are you perhaps both, secretly, me?

(She asked, doing the work she had all fucking weekend free to do at 12:45 Sunday night while crying.)

 

Spoiler: abuse

oh look we've hit the "am I a lying faker" phase hi brain

The documentation is all there, shit definitely happened, but like. Anything more recent than 2013 hasn't been directly aimed at me. (This is a lie and also irrelevant, the thought policing and bad manipulation attempts don't stop, and even if they did that doesn't discount the constant fear when she's yelling at someone else)

And even the shit that happened at its worst is. Such petty shit compared to even other threads here, I was never physically abused (possibly a lie, does food control count?) and the house is well-kept and I've always had access to medical care. So what am I whining about? when have I been Abused Enough oh my god brain shut up

Anxiety 2, fake edit boogaloo: did I post this in the wrong thread? should I just make a vent thread and have done instead if clogging up the anxiety thread all the time, does everyone hate me now and is too polite to tell me to fuck off

Jesus fuck this "I see what I'm doing is stupid but still somehow can't stop" nonsense is annoying

 

I wish I wouldn't immediately think, after I've said something in a public forum, that people dislike it and dislikes me. I always think ppl think I'm obnoxious and/or rude....if they aren't immediately warm and welcoming and engaging with things I've said to some arbitrary level I need, obviously they don't like me. .

Everyone I talk to doesn't have to act like we're friends...Need to remember that......

 

trying to find a house to move to

4 adults 2 without jobs 1 who has never had a job all with no credit or bad credit who also have 3 pets

at this point i want to suggest to my gf we just stay here and eat the overpriced rent and sucky management because we're just not going to be able to get out

 

I should probably do a dental thing before shit gets critical, I can feel the one tooth slowly eroding

but I've already had one medical expense this season I can't have another
(I am aware this is nonsense logic, Too Bad)
and Phone and New Thing and No Script and I gotta prioritize between [car repairs] and [body repairs] because what is disposable income and
[teakettle noises]

 

i have to give a presentation on thursday and i'm Very Anxiety already. this is going to go well

 

@rje oh my god same

 

H a h a boy I love doing dumb presentations with little to no guidance or substance to use whoooooo this is gonna suck. At least I'm feeling less like it would've been a better idea to skip this now. I'm sure that'll change when it gets to be my turn but I'll take what I can

 

I have so many phone things to do and no scripts for any of them

 

emails to read, emails to write

 

I have to be alone all weekend with the looming threat of rent we can't pay, if this emergency help fucks up somehow on the 31st. I'm a scaredy cat when I'm alone, and there's not even the comfort food of pizza to tide me over because Broke and there's.. not really much I can do except try to stay busy and slip back into denial mode about 95% of my day to day life so I can function, and I'm anxious about doing THAT because what if it sticks for months again. D:

 

Had a conversation with my boyfriend that is probably a good thing and a healthy thing and good for healthy communication in relationships, and it wasn't a fight and he said he wasn't angry at me, but it felt like a fight (everything that involves me disagreeing feels like a fight though, so. not a good judge here) and I'm afraid that I made him angry and fucked everything up.

I didn't. We talked about this. He was upset, but he wasn't angry, just concerned, but obviously I can never tell him when he does something that upsets me because instead of dismissing it, he takes it seriously and why is that worse?!?

 

Spoiler: trigger warning: self-harm

I've been self-harming for a couple months now (nothing actually dangerous to my health, just smallish cuts) And well. it's not the HARMING that's making me anxious, but what IS making me anxious is that self-harm is proooobably something I should, you know, be telling my psychiatrist??? (who I've been seeing since before the harming started- great guy, even if I AM on my seventh medication that doesn't seem to be doing jackshit. Also for the record, I had a depression diagnosis BEFORE the harming started.) But. I don't WANT to tell my psych cause he'll tell me/encourage me to stop and I don't. really want to stop???? So I've been conveniently neglecting to mention it every time we have an appointments and it's making me V. More Anxious over time. (also also, the harming can't be meds-related, since it's persisted over several cycles of trying-different-things and I know for certain that what started me harming was an IRL event.)

 

Abruptly remembered I got like. Twelve calls from the same number (that turned out to be some part of the hospital I went to for my endo stuff) this time last year, no messages left, and What If I Accidentally A Crime and can't get a new endocrinologist because I Fucked Up with the old one somehow

 

Have to close us bank account from abroad. I don't have that number anymore TT. And why don't you let me just wire myself the money. How many favors am I going to have to ask of people. Is this going to need a consulate visit

Also my dad is very angry-rant-y lately

 

Mother fucking phone tag