things that are currently making you anxious

I don't know.

I feel like my entire body and brain is buzzing. I woke up at 4:45am and was wide awake and terrified. I can't focus. There is no reason for this. My brain just decided "hey, we're keyed up to fight for our life today, is that cool?"

No, it's not cool. I'm trying to write very boring Perl scripts. Stop.

 

One of our cats passed away of FIP in late october of last year and im worried about my other cat developing the disease, though she's probably fine. Its frustrating because there are no conclusive tests to 100% diagnose FIP outside of an autopsy, and it's an incurable and fatal disease anyway, so even if she has it, the only options would be palliative care or euthanasia. Im also extra worried because we are supposed to be getting a new kitten in march, and everything I've read has told me that

1. Ragdolls (which we are getting) are more susceptible to fip
2. Purebred kittens from catteries/breeders are more susceptible to fip
3. The vaccine for non-FcOV exposed cats is only at best 50% effective and does massive immune system damage.

SO idk. I learned all of this after i put down the deposit on her, and now the only thing i can think to do is to clean our house top to bottom, and keep her away from opal for as long as possible, but the issue is that FcOV (feline coronavirus) is highly transmissible through clothing, shoes, literally everything.

I know its only a 5-10% chance anything will happen, but, like, we got unlucky with grim and we might get unlucky again. I'm trying to stay positive about it because the cat is coming from an FcOV free breeder and she'll be leaving at 12-14 weeks so her immune system will be a little stronger, but still. [frets and frets and frets]

 

yesterday: oh man I really want attention
today: why are people noticing me this is the worst stooooooooop

this is a little silly.

 

My job offer. It's a sure thing, but my brain won't believe it until I have an actual signed contract.

 

I said hi to someone on facebook.

(This is slightly less irrational when you consider that I haven't used fb for years, but...)

 

everything

 

My son is spending the day with his Ame'. Anxious about being alone in the new apartment by myself tomorrow...

 

WHY CAN'T I JUST DO THINGS THAT I ENJOY WITHOUT TYING MYSELF IN KNOTS And (possibly) having a panic attack. Why does it always come down to this whenever I feel like I've got some one counting on me? How am I ever going to function as a real life adult if I can't even count on myself to do recreational fun things I set out to do.

 

My morning person roommate who usually goes to bed between 8:30 and 10:00 pm isn't back in the room yet. it's 11 pm. what if shes dead. i dont have her number, and even if i did she didnt bring her phone
aaaaaaaaaaaa

 

Our doorbell is weirdly broken in a way that makes it
a) play only part of its chime and croak out the rest in a static-sounding gear-grind noise
b) occasionally ring for absolutely no goddamn reason.

Guess what our doorbell just rang.

It's 4:45 am.

8D!!!!!!!

It was nobody, but I still decided to go upstairs and get my headphones and possibly seriously my sword.

I open the door to my room and my FREAKY UNCLE IS SITTING THERE, JUST FUCKIN' CHILLIN. He muttered something about not feeling well and disappeared once more into the night.

So now I have two startle reactions activated AND my OCD is freaking out over BUT WHAT IF SICK-MAKING GERMS????????

And I just got one of those abdominal muscle twinges that I KNOW, I AM RATIONALLY CERTAIN, are just stress, but I still have to do some self-checking rituals every time that happens to reassure myself that it is not either my appendix about to burst or my liver about to fail.

AND THAT'S THE STORY OF THE LAST 20 MINUTES OFMY LIFE 8D!!!!!!!!!

 

My brain: But what if it's RUDE to invite people over for SUPPER? You can't just ASK people if they want to EAT FOOD AT YOUR HOUSE! What if they don't want to and they have to say no, huh?? HUH???

#screaming

 

I've only got one day of holiday left and also tachycardia that won't seem to go away. Got to wait until Friday at the least to see my doctor again bc I have no money. :'))))) I guess at this point tho I'm p sure it's not my medications causing it...

 

i'm sick and feverbrain is not helping because i think that THE HOMEWORK IS DUE TODAY no it isn't i checked BUT IT'S STILL TOTALLY DUE TODAY!! PANIC!!!

no brain, the homework is not due today.

BUT YOU TOTALLY MISSED SOME THAT WAS DUE YESTERDAY OR SOMETHING

i did not i checked.

ughhh.

 

getting a grade in class on an essay thats slightly lower than what i was hoping for (62/70) has made me simultaneously anxious and depressed that this means that bc there arent any tests or any graded items besides the writing in the class im going to fail horribly because clearly my writing style means that im not good enough to succeed in this class and i should just accept that im going to fail and be an embarrassment to everyone

super great, brain

 

Why do webcomic reviewers all suck?

 

Wow, the weather is so fucking nice outside today, I --

my brain: hey, you should be doing something
me: what? Why?
my brain: you have a job to do, things have to be done, come on, chop chop
me: I have nothing I have to do, wtf
my brain: go do the thing you have to do or there will be grave consequences
me: please stop
my brain: sun's out, time to die

 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Shouldn't have tried to do multiple things, should have known I'd end up half-assing both and it would turn out worse than sticking to one thing. Now worrying about how much people are going to judge me over the failure.

 

lmao I feel like everyone hates me cause I'm suddenly posting so much and clogging up threads being unhelpful

it sucks cause I haven't had any similar terrors for so fucking long. mad as fuck.

 

I put my smart pen and the neat lil folio I kept it in somewhere safe at the end of last quarter so I'd be able to easily find it before spring started except guess who can no longer remember where that safe place IS

Update: i found the folio, sans smart pen

 

I booked an appointment with my faculty department and I'm having my first anxiety/depression spiral in a long time over it. This is why I booked an appointment, because if I'd just gone for the walk-in I know I'd have talked myself out of it.