To move or not to move......that is the question.....

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by NuclearVampire, Feb 8, 2018.


Is my anxiety eating my head?

  1. Yeah, chill it down.

  2. Nah, that's reasonable worry.

  3. Kind of both?

  1. NuclearVampire

    NuclearVampire The teeniest horrorterror

    *gargling anxiety noises*

    Okay! So my home life fucking sucks. Transphobia, homophobia, neglect, abuse, the whole 9 yards. And on top of that I'm disabled, with a couple mental disorders, and a undiagnosed physical disorder that looks a whole lot like POTS.

    Now. A friend has invited me to move in with them, no rent, bills paid, they know my home life, and they feel like there's no way I can get anything fixed or helped or even managed while dealing with it. And in general I trust them. I'm dating them, I really hope I trust them. BUT! The situation's kind of changed since they invited me, because of outside shit and a basically nasty person who went over everyone's (roommates of datemate and datemate and me), and swiped the basement we were gonna share (me and the datemate), and so datemate's like "Fuck this shit, Jam(me), hold my flower, I'm just gonna rent a fucking apartment, we don't need this shit." Which is great! Separate rooms for both of us, more private space, makeouts on the couch, and no asshole future roommate making comments about how he likes to chew girls like us up and spit us out. (Neither of us are fucking girls, and that is not an appropriate comment ever.)

    But. (And here's where the anxiety comes in.) I'm really worried about datemate's ability to afford this. His thoughts are basically "If shit doesn't work out, I'm gonna get a better job, cause I can, and I already make more money than you've ever dreamed of having, and I have savings, and if I need to, I can get my dad to help me." (Paraphrasing obviously, cause they wouldn't call it more money than I've ever dreamed of having, that's just my poverty and disability talking.) And see.....I don't live in that world..... Where jobs are easy to get, and savings happen and mean anything, and parents actually support you monetarily if shit happens.... To me that all...."Sounds fake, but okay." mood. I can't even tell if any of this is a fair assessment of their reality, because it's never even been close to one for me. And on top of all this, my home life basically includes that if shit gets tight, I get guilted and shamed for any costs I cause at all. Any. $8 bottle of special shampoo for really bad psoriasis was.....that was a bad experience..... So I have a lot of money anxiety already just from feeling shame and guilt that I can't work, and my medical stuff costs money. there really something here to worry about, or is my anxiety eating my head?
  2. KingStarscream

    KingStarscream watch_dogs walking advertisement

    I think it's worth discussing your money concerns with your datemate, but--if he's got a reasonable amount of savings, a reasonable amount of security in his ability to find a job, and a reasonable amount of reliability in his family support, it's probably not gonna be an issue. I think it's still good to bring up, because he might be able to give you some harder numbers to feel secure in, but it does sound like his relationship with money is radically different to yours, which could be contributing to your anxiety.

    Talk it out with him. If he gives you the hard numbers, and the numbers add up, then you're in the clear. Either way, it sounds like getting out of your home situation is going to be the best course of action no matter what, so here's some good wishes towards that!
    • Agree x 6
  3. turtleDove

    turtleDove Well-Known Member

    Definitely discuss it with your datemate. If he's got reasonable savings, a reasonable amount of reliability in his family support, and is in a field where finding a new job would be really easy, then it probably won't be an issue. But it's still worth bringing up "okay, but what's the plan if zombies" (where 'zombies' stands in for "things have gone to hell"), because I also don't live in a world where jobs are super easy to get and I'm really leery of the thought of "oh, I can just walk in and get a new job that pays better, not a problem" from having read a lot of Ask A Manager; there's definitely people who can do that, and it's possible that your datemate is one of them, but it doesn't feel out of place to me to worry about 'what if searching for a better job takes longer than expected'.

    Having a plan for if things go sideways isn't a bad thing. The situation has already changed once, after all. But getting out of your home situation is definitely a good move.
    • Agree x 3
  4. keltka

    keltka the green and brown one

    It's good to keep all the options in mind! That said, I'd recommend the "hard facts" approach already suggested—spreadsheeting it out can help a lot, especially if you're nervous about "what if this cost or that cost".

    I'd also like to comment, it's possible that when you're not stuck trying to do crisis management, and can actually settle into maintaining your health, costs of stuff might go down? like it's not a Guarantee but your family's fucking nuts and treading to stay afloat can be more exhausting than having a chance to swim...
    • Agree x 1
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