"TP&MA" Verse and "Is This Weird?" Verse Homestuck RP Mashup Extravaganza (NSFW)

Karkat literally bristles, his hair poofing up and out, Miyazaki-style, and Hal snickers at the sight. The corner of Dirk's mouth tweaks up, but he manages to hold his composure. It's a good thing he's wearing his shades though, because he can only imagine there are stars in his eyes. He wants to reach over and ruffle that unruly, wiry mane. Instead, he bows at the waist and replies, deadpan.
"Yes, Karkat Vantas." He gestures down the road with a flourish. "Shall we proceed, progenitor?"

 

///
Karkat roughly scratches at his scalp to try and relieve some of the tingles that always come with that particular involuntary threat display. It's fucking annoying because for some reason humans always coo like it's the cutest thing they've ever seen. It's not cute. He is a dangerous apex predator for fuck's sake. He accepts the sarcastic bow as due tribute and leads the way.

"I got a text from Dave earlier, he's already there so expect the desserts to be at least half gone by now. The amount of sugar he can put away is frankly alarming." Karkat talks at them in his growly voice all the way up to the Egberts' yard. Since outright reassurance didn't seem to help Karkat is hoping that just acting normal will put them at ease.

 

"Makes sense. Despite living in a far more accessible time it seems that Dave had oddly similar dietary restrictions to Dirk. Sugar is an easy source of calories, and without the frankly absurd amounts of orange soda left behind for him Dirk probably would have died." Hal is far more at ease with the conversational shift, and a measuring glance at Dirk suggests that he feels the same way, if the subtle relaxation of his shoulders is any indication.
"Yeah. Some days the seagulls just don't want to land and the sea is too rough for diving, and on those days a dude just has to kick back with his robro's and down a few bottles of crush." Dirk shrugs. "Old habits die hard." He pauses. "So. How do we do this?"

 

///
"Yeah, it sure seems like a 'habit' at first glance. I keep forgetting that your weird mammalian digestive systems turn sugar to energy instead of having it completely fuck you up." They're half way up the walkway to the door when Karkat gives Dirk a confused look. "How do we do what? Eat dinner? With our faces I assume. At least, that's how I plan on eating dinner."

 

"The introduction thing. You've been through it already. Having a older authority figure who's actually present and able to communicate with you in a tangible way is just as foreign to me, dude." Dirk's fingers twitch a little. Hal surreptitiously places a hand on his lower back, rubs a circle with his thumb.
"We've done research, however the best laid plans of AI and men tend to go awry when fear and panic enter the equation."
Dirk grimaces at that, gives a half-nod of agreement.

 

///
Karkat stops and considers for a moment. "Well, you're Dave's 'family' meeting John's 'family' so really, according to human media, they're the only two who have anything to worry about. Meeting my quadrantmate's human father was anxiety inducing, in part, because he could potentially disapprove of our relationship. As far as I know there isn't an equivalent here. John's dad has authority over John, and to some extent Dave and I, not you guys. Dave doesn't have a parent to introduce, and good riddance, but you're kind of the next best thing. So your social standing will be roughly equal to John's dad's even though you're our age. So you don't need to do anything special, just act normal."

Karkat hopes that explaining their relatively equal statuses will help Dirk and Hal to feel more at ease, or at least less fearful. Even if John's dad were the type to take advantage of people they have approximately equal amounts of power in the upcoming interaction so there's nothing to be scared of. Not that there aren't legitimate reasons for sub-adults to be wary of fully grown people. Especially big, very strong ones. Dave and Karkat both had issues about that at first, he just hopes that Hal and Dirk can move past that highly uncomfortable stage more quickly.

 

Dirk and Hal have a moment of perfect sync with each other, which is increasingly rare as time goes by and their experiences further diverge.
"Just act normal." They say, as one. "Sure, that comes naturally."
They meet each others eyes, Hal's circuits flaring bright with anxiety and Dirk's fingers almost convulsing with involuntary nerve jumps. A message pings onto the left lens of Dirk's shades.

TechnicalOdyssey: It seems we are screwed.
TimaeusTestified: Seems like it.
TechnicalOdyssey: Dirk, do you want to bail?
TimaeusTestified: Yeah, but I want a lot of things I can't have. Like a lifesize animatronic pony that has flamethrowers in its nostrils and tesla coils in its hooves.
TechnicalOdyssey: We could totally build one of those. In fact, we could go home and do that instead of being here and doing whatever the fuck this is going to be. Don't let your dreams be dreams, bromosapien.
TimaeusTestified: We're stalling.
TechnicalOdyssey: We are.
TimaeusTestified: Hal, do you want to bail?
TechnicalOdyssey: Oh yes. But I'm fairly sure the acceptable threshold for abandoning this social engagement has been crossed by now. ​

"Alright," Dirk says after that moment of digital conversation. "So long as I don't have to shake hands and smoke whatever the hell dadzilla has in that sweet pipe of his."

 

///
Douchebag in stereo, that's not creepy at all. Sollux would probably have come in his pants. They are clearly freaking out. "Okay, let me rephrase that to something you two weirdos can actually fucking achieve. A slightly more reasonable goal, you might say. Just act normal for yourselves, morons. Like there's some universal standard of normality on a planet infested with fucking aliens." Karkat blows out a breath, turns, and stalks up to the door.

 

Dirk reluctantly removes his shades, putting them back inside his sylladex. His eyes dart around, checking for vantage points on their location, and then pulls Hal close with blinding speed and rests his forehead on his shoulder for an instant. Before Karkat can turn back to them, Dirk has stepped back and composed his face into something close to its usual neutral expression.
"Alright, let's get this party started." He's proud that there's only a little hint of a crack in his voice, that anyone other than Hal or Roxy would be hard pressed to pick up on.

Hal goes red. Every circuit that runs close to the surface of his skin lights up, a faint glow showing through the fabric of his clothes. He really wishes he'd worn the compression suit underneath this getup. He closes his eyes and attempts to compose himself, because Dirk's sneaky attempt to seek comfort from him probably won't be repeated if Hal gives the game away by lighting up like a fucking fireworks display. He is much more practiced at managing the physical reactions of his body now than he was on first being installed, so he manages to dull the glow after a moment of intense concentration. He bites his lip and looks at Dirk, expecting to be chastised, but is surprised by the hint of a smile he sees.
Maybe this evening won't be a disaster after all.

 

///
Karkat raps on the door without looking to see what Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are up to, hopefully they can calm themselves down enough to get inside and realize everything's fine. Karkat is surprised to be greeted at the door by Mr. Egbert. "Hello Karkat, it's good to see you again, come in, John and Dave are upstairs." Karkat shuffles in and looks back to make sure the SadTwins are following him. Dad Egbert seems genuinely pleased to see Dirk and Hal. "And you must be Dave's brothers. Glad you could make it. I'm James, you can call me Jim."

 

"Sure thing, Jimbro-" It's out of his mouth before he can stop it, and Dirk feels the tips of his ears heat. "Uh. Mr. Egbert."
He hears a snicker that's turned into a completely unnecessary cough from a certain android, and Dirk wishes that the earth would swallow him whole.
"A pleasure, Jim," Hal says, his voice lilting with amusement. "I'm Hal, and this is Dirk. You can call us whatever you like."

 

///
Mr. Egbert (Karkat can't help but either call him 'Mr. Egbert' or 'EgbertDad' in the privacy of his mind) looks at Dirk strangely for a moment before laughing. "You know, Dave made that exact same pun when we first met. You boys are very similar. But oh, please come in and make yourselves at home. John and Dave are upstairs like I said, and dinner should be ready in just a few minutes." He adjusts his 'Hi Hungry, I'm Dad' apron and starts to head back to the kitchen. "I've banned my son from setting pranks in the house while guests are visiting so you should be safe from any foolishness."

Karkat is immensely glad of Mr. Egbert's intervention on that front. "And good fucking thing too, I was the tragic victim of two culturally insensitive bucket traps before Dave accidentally set off a rainbow confetti bomb and screamed so loudly Mr. Crocker next door called to ask if everything was okay." He doesn't really think John would risk scaring Dave that badly again, but it is nice to know he can eat without having to carefully examine his glass for holes or his knives to assure that they're not made of rubber. Fucker.

Speaking of the bucktoothed devil. "Let's go upstairs and get them. I THOUGHT they'd be anxious to welcome you."

~~~ ***
John and Dave are currently much too distracted to notice the noise downstairs. Or anything else really.

Teenagers.

 

Alright, that wasn't as mortifying as he expected it to be.
"Thank you for your mercy. I'm not sure how John ranks when compared to Jane, but she's ruthless." Dirk says, although secretly he's a little disappointed. Having to stay alert and aware of any traps would have gone a long way to putting him back in his comfort zone. He's genuinely glad for Hal's sake though. A confetti bomb? Dirk almost shudders at the thought of the android having to deal with that.
"After you, glorious leader," Hal gestures toward the stairs, an easy smile on his lips. He'd been expecting a comment on his circuitry, weird looks, but he's certainly not going to complain about being treated like a person from the get-go.

 

///
"Oh, Jane is quite good but my John gives her a run for her money. I'm very proud of him." Mr. Egbert disappears into the kitchen where Karkat can hear various clankings that indicate food progress. He turns and heads up the stairs, giving Hal a superior look in return for his mocking deference.

Swinging John's door open reveals him and Dave rather engaged. A laptop on the bed features the furred lipped human male Jane idolizes having a disgruntled conversation with a cheerful blond woman. John and Dave are laying facing each other on the bed, too engaged with each other's idiot faces to be paying attention to the show or their surroundings. John's back is to the room, giving Karkat full view of Dave's hand on John's ass. There are worse views, but there are also better times.

Dave notices the intrusion almost immediately, jerking back and snatching shades down off the top of his head and onto his face that don't do shit to hide the way his ears and cheeks go bright red. John is slower on the uptake, hardly having time to remove his hand from under Dave's shirt before it's quickly yanked down. When John turns to see Karkat a stupid smile lights his face and he stands up to greet them immediately. "Hey! I didn't know you were here already! Hi!" He strides over and hugs Karkat like he didn't see him just a day or so ago. Dave very quickly works on sorting out his hair and clothes to look less rumpled, the narcissist, but John doesn't seem to care. Nothing he does makes his hair look less windswept in any case.

Dave gives the room a miserably embarrassed smile. "Sorry, we got distracted."

"Yeah, I can very well fucking see that." Karkat pulls away from John and looks back toward the doorway. "YOUR guests are here assbag, you're a terrible host.

 

Dave seems to be trying to keep things chill, so Dirk and Hal both swallow their instinct to turn around and fucking abscond.
"Uh," Dirk says, scrambling to find something, anything to say. "Sup?"
Perfect. Fucking. Incredible. The edification of eloquence, right here. Dirk would do anything to put his shades on right now, but he can't, so his eyes scan the room rather than settle on anyone in particular. They wouldn't be totally screwed if someone attacked the house, but really he should examine each room for possible intrusion points to figure out the best bolthole, just in-
Hal's hand brushes his elbow. Dirk takes a breath.
"Your father looks a lot like you." Hal says, bridging the conversational gap. "For some reason I wasn't expecting a strong familial resemblance." He resists the urge to comment on how well tailored Dadbert's slacks were. For now, at least.

 

***
Dave wants to sink through several floors and just keep going until he dissolves in the center of the planet. Apparently knocking would kill Karkat, just strike him dead where he stood. How he gained access to the house in the first place without being struck by lightning is a mystery for the ages. Dave realizes he's muttering something to that effect under his breath as he scrambles off the bed and tries to look less flustered. John is immune to flusterment, the awful awful douchebag, and happily includes Dirk and Hal in his greeting exclamations. "Hey there, it's nice to see you again. Did you guys get here the same time as Karkat? That's pretty convenient."

John looks like he's courting the idea of hugging Hal, Dave can recognize the signs, but ultimately ends up wrapping an arm around Karkat's waist instead. "Well, this is my house." He gestures at his room. "You can come in and sit down if you like, or we can all go to the living room where there's actually places to sit. Oh, the bathroom's just across the hall there behind you."

Dirk looks nervous as fuck and Dave almost regrets letting this dinner thing happen. He doesn't want to make anyone miserable. John answers Hal's observation with a laugh. "Well, I suppose ectobiologically he's my half brother, so there would be some resemblance even though I'm adopted. Maybe my Nana's genes were just the strongest."

Dave wanders up to where Hal and Dirk seem to be clustered together out of nerves and talks to Dirk in a low voice. "Where'd your shades go dude, you cool?"

 

Dirk's fingers twitch, looking for a screwdriver that's not there. He wants to be working. He wants to be doing anything but this, really.
"Yes, he passed our car and we walked together." Hal says beside him, and again fingers brush his elbow. Dirk is both grateful for the grounding gesture and supremely irritated that it is required in the first place. He's too fucking cool for this shit. "I have no particular preference in regard to seating arrangements, and will defer to the popular choice."
"I'm always cool," Dirk says in a low aside to Dave, trying for a smile that his facial muscles flat out refuse to execute. He resists the urge to ramble, swallows, and tries that emotional honesty thing he and Hal have been working on. "If they won't make you uncomfortable dude, I'd prefer to have them on. But if they will, I can tough through it. I'm a big boy."

 

***
For a moment Dave can't figure out what is happening with Dirk's face, which is strange since he is the reigning champion of reading barely there micro-expressions on that particular face. It's either a very pained (failed) attempt at a smile, or the precursor to throwing up. When Dirk's throat works around a nervous swallow Dave leans back a bit, frantically going over what clothes he might have stashed here and if he can ask Dadbert to help him wash puke out of his clothes unless that would be too weird.

That train of though gets derailed when Dirk asks if he can wear his shades. A hot wave of shame heats Dave's cheeks and he immediately waves off Dirk's concern. "Wear 'em. Seriously, don't worry about me. I'm cool." The very last thing Dave wants is for people to coddle and accommodate him as though his stupid nonsense is more important than other people's comfort. He figures that he should give Dirk something though, after that undoubtedly difficult display of emotional honesty.

"If I start wigging out I'll say." He won't say. "You're a guest," Dave has heard John's dad go on about what being a guest means enough times to adapt the sentiment. "You're supposed to make yourself at home and that totally includes wearing whatever bitchin' facial gear makes you happy. You could take a fancy to one of John's lame disguise glasses with the eyebrows and the nose and it would be your's dude, whatever your weird, sort of nauseous looking face desires." Oops, he's going to stop talking now. Why is his face so warm? Dave decides to ignore it and hope that everyone else will too.

 

Dirk evaluates Dave for a moment, then nods and retrieves his shades from his sylladex with a muttered rhyme about asses and glasses. Not his best work, by a long shot, but he's under a little stress right now and if anyone takes issue with his sick flow then he'll gladly face off with them in a dark alley.
The second they are in place on his face, Dirk's whole body relaxes. He's more dependent on the things than he'd like, even with the light sensitivity that comes with his freaky amber eyes.
He decides the polite thing to do right now is ignore the way Dave's face is flushed, and nods.
"Alright man, thanks. Just send me a message over pesterchum if you don't want to say anything out loud." He pauses, exhales hard. "It's good to see you, dude. Glad I didn't bail."
And that's enough forthright emotional shit for at least an hour. Any more than that and he's in danger of doing something sappy, like initiating a hug.
Hal hears all of this, of course. He can hear Mr. Egbert cooking downstairs if he concentrates on filtering out excess noise.

- - TechnicalOdyssey started pestering TurntechGodhead - -

TO: Hey dude. If you do need to take a breather and don't feel up to telling Dirk, you can also send me something and I'll steer the conversation into different waters like the goddamn technocaptain I am. Maybe "Jenga."

 

***
Oh no, Dirk's sylladex is hilarious and awful. It puts a tiny smile on Dave's face and he mutters, "Yo dude, have me lay down a beat next time you need something out of there, let's do this."

The way Dirk visibly relaxes as soon as his eyes are covered makes Dave wince sympathetically. He knows that feel. Having Dirk's body language go from super crazy tense down to the dude's normal amount of tense also helps with Dave's level of chill. He hadn't even realized how much Dirk's mood was putting him on edge.

Dirk's reassurances are appreciated and discarded, he is sure he'll be fine. Dave's little smile becomes much bigger, making his already annoyingly babyish face look undoubtedly rounder when he cheeks bunch up. "Uh, yeah. I'm also." God he's awkward. Would Dirk object to a hug? He fidgets slightly but can't work up the nerve to actually initiate.

At the same moment Dave's back pocket buzzes Karkat lets out an explosive sigh. "Oh my GOD. Would you HUG already, Jesus! Your awkwardness is literally killing me. I'm making funeral arrangements right now. Kankri isn't allowed to speak over my cooling corpse, just promise me that."