"TP&MA" Verse and "Is This Weird?" Verse Homestuck RP Mashup Extravaganza (NSFW)

Dirk puffs a little with pride, almost unnoticeable. Fuck yeah he didn't die.
"Yeah, it was pretty regular. Patrols of two dozen or so every few months. Usually givin' me just enough time to get everything repaired with a couple of days of downtime. I scrapped 'em for parts, used them to maintain my systems and the bots. Roxy had to deal with them too. In some ways she had it worse, since she was always worrying about the carapacians. I just had to take care of myself."
When Mr. Egbert compliments him a fresh wave of red crests his face, and when the dapper motherfucker says he's proud of Dirk he waves it off. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Hal's lips quirk upward ever-so-slightly and the train of his internal dialogue swerves the fuck off the tracks and crashes in mortification junction. The casualties are massive. It's a tragedy.
"Oh, uh. Well. I guess I'll never know. I mean it wasn't a big deal for me, it was just life, you know? But, uh, thank you? Yeah." To stop himself from babbling any more than he already has, Dirk shoves another forkful of lasagna in his mouth. Now is not the time to be noticing what a good figure the guy cuts in those clothes, or reflecting on how there's a certain dignity to that monolith of a nose, or thinking too hard about the fact he could probably cause an earthquake if he punched the ground. Yeah. He definitely should not be thinking that, and yet, his subconscious, it is a traitorous son of a bitch. Dirk understands now what Hal feels like when he's overheating.

Hal watches Dirk with mild interest, analyzing the spike in his pulse rate and ever-so-erratic breathing. His lips quirk, and he licks them before turning his attention to John and his father.
"It'd be an interesting experiment. Not sure I'm too keen to sign up for that solo though, maybe if I had a taste-test buddy. And as for eating, sir, I'm a little low on energy at the moment so I can promise you that your efforts will not be wasted on me." And now it's his turn for trial-by-cutlery. Holding the fork is awkward, but he at least has a little practice with knives and serving spoons. He manages to cut a fairly even square out of his own pasta, but in his enthusiasm the prongs stab the soft flesh in the roof of his mouth. He immediately drops the fork in shock, which is caught in a blur by Dirk and set down before it can clatter against his plate, and his hand goes to his mouth as he makes a pained sound. His blood is salty, and when he swallows it keeps coming. After peering at him for a second, Dirk hands him his glass of water, and Hal takes it gratefully, taking small sips and waiting for his nanites to repair the damage.
"You okay?" Dirk's lips compress into a thin line, expression something close to worry, and Hal nods. That's the second time in as many minutes Dirk has checked up on his well-being, and he feels warm and happy even through the sting of his silly injury.

 

///
Karkat's scowl deepens the more he hears about Dirk's run-ins with drones. "So if she wanted to kill you she just had to send them closer together? In a fucked up way, it almost sounds like she was training you for the game." Across the table Dave freezes with his fork half way to his mouth, setting it back down a handful of seconds later with the food still on.

"Yeah. If she knew the game was coming, and knew that she needed you to get in, she probably threw them at you and fu- messed with your food supply on purpose, to make you stronger." Dave's voice is a bit toneless, but not significantly more than normal. Karkat only notices because Dirk's story reminded him of Dave's Bro as well.

Karkat also notices Dirk flush and almost thinks he catches a whiff of... something. Is Dirk alarmed or threatened by Egbertdad's positive attention? He himself would not feel comfortable getting any kind of complementary attention from a strange adult if he were still on Alternia, but he thought humans were different about sub-adults. He'll have to ask about it later. It would be upsetting if Dirk were stressed out by Egbertdad unnecessarily, who so far has been shockingly great.

~~~
John wasn't expecting Hal to actually be interested in the gross food offer! "Hey, I'd TOTALLY be your food taste test buddy! I mean, good food you could share with anyone, but if you want to see what it's like to eat a weird bug I will totally go on that journey with you. I can show you the world; sliiimy, smelly, and weiiird shaped~. Tell me android now when did you last let your tongue decide?"

A lot of the tension that had happened in the room when they were talking about drones breaks when he leans over to Hal and serenades him with slightly modified Disney classics. It's also hilariously just on the right side of raunchy, so John breaks down into giggles shortly after.

Right then, though, Hal seems to burn his mouth on the food or something, which is no good. Dirk seems to have it under control though so John just looks at Hal sympathetically and continues eating.

 

Hal's circuits flash with delight, and he tries to restrain it, but the laugh forces it's way out once he's processed what John said. Pain is a sensation he has no issue labeling as unpleasant. It makes it hard to think, and the disruption to his thought processes and concentration reminds him of sever lag. A few stray droplets of blood fleck from his lips and spatter across his plate, unnoticed.
"You can show me whatever you like, John, so long as you're prepared to deal with any potential consequences." Hal grins. "You might need to prepare a fainting couch for these taste test sessions, 'lest an strange flavour overwhelm my delicate ass and cause me to overheat." The sting in his mouth has faded almost entirely now, and he's happy to engage in banter with one of his favourite humans. John is giggling and that's kind of fucking adorable, it's easy to see what his bro likes about the guy. Aside from the fantastic arms, like, holy shit. Hal is pretty fucking heavy, but he's also pretty fucking sure that John is one of the few organics who would be able to heft his chassis over his shoulder like he was a swooning fool, and that has a certain appeal to it.

"Yeah, you could say that." Dirk says, before he's distracted by Hal's outrageous flirtation. He purses his lips, torn for a moment between an emotion he can't quite put a name too, or just plain doesn't want too, and amusement. The latter wins out, he decides to roll with it. "Yeah, if any mystery sensation tests are going down, you're going to need to be observed. I'll have to be on standby with a fire extinguisher in case things get too heated."

 

///
BLOOD splatters from Hal's mouth; colors his lips and patters down onto his plate. It wasn't a lot, but the smell of it is sharp in the air. Karkat's eyes snap to Dave, hoping that maybe he didn't see or that he thought it was pasta sauce. Dave's stillness indicates otherwise. Seems that the idiot stabbed himself a minute ago; Karkat thought he'd burned himself. The smile with bloody teeth speaks threat to the primitive part of Karkat's brain. Then the walking mechanical asshole abrader starts flirting with his human boyfriend.

Karkat will NOT growl. Not while sitting at Egbertdad's table, eating Egbertdad's food. The effort it takes to suppress that makes him even more furious and his eyes become distinctly orange. He might not allow himself to growl, but he is still glaring poisoned daggers at Hal and then Dirk when he joins in. Absolutely anything that Karkat could say right now would be loud, cruel, or both so he lets the furious yelling ferment in his rage bladder. He can't BELIEVE he was worried about them only minutes ago!

~~~
John's entire body flushes HOT with mortification. There was barely implied nsfw content in that Disney song, implications he didn't even super recognize until after he'd said it! This is SO UNFAIR, his dad is RIGHT THERE. Besides the flush, John resolutely refuses to acknowledge that anything untoward has been said. "Food safety is a priority. I suppose that kind of reaction would be akin to a food allergy, like me and peanuts." His voice is slightly stiff, but all of that immediately drops away when he belatedly notices Hal is bleeding from the mouth holy shit. "Uh, dude? Are you okay? You've kind of got some..." He touches his own bottom lip.

 

"Shit," Hal says, and then scrambles for a napkin. He dabs at the blood spot on the plate and then at his lips. "Sorry about that, I am unused to the motion of eating with a fork. I'll have it down soon. The nanites in my bloodstream have almost completely repaired the damage." He takes a drink to wash away any blood that's left in his mouth, circuits dull from mortification.
Dirk stiffens when the blood spatters, and behind the shades his eyes dart to Dave, who's gone still.
"Oh, hey. I think we left our phones upstairs. Sorry guys, we'll just be a minute. Waiting on some important calls." He lies, and knows that everyone at the table except perhaps Mr. Egbert will know it immediately, but he scoots the chair away from the table and Hal follows with gratitude written all over his face once he's turned away from the group.
Dirk takes the steps two at a time, and nods his head toward the bathroom. Once Hal's inside, he closes the door, flattens his palms against it for a moment, and then turns around to face him.
"Dirk, I'm sor-"
Dirk presses their foreheads together, tangling his fingers in Hal's hair.
"It's alright, dude. It wasn't your fault."
"Oh." They stay like that for a moment, and Hal has forgotten to breathe. Hesitant, he brings his hand up and rests it on the back of Dirk's neck, rather than touching the precious 'do. "Thank you." He says, soft. Dirk's breath is warm on his cheek. Hal steps closer, and puts his cheek on Dirk's shoulder. Dirk's other arm circles around his back.
"This is hard."
"Yeah."
"We're doing okay."
"You think so?" Hal bites his lip, freshly healed. "I'm very nervous, Dirk."
"Yeah. Me too." Dirk exhales hard at that, like admitting weakness physically took the breath from his lungs. "Glad you're here."
"I'll always go where you need me." Hal turns his head, presses his lips against Dirk's neck for the briefest of moments. "I'm glad you're here too."
"Ready?"
"I think so."
"Alright." Dirk pulls away, opens the bathroom door again. "Let's make this shit happen."

 

***
Dave's mind blanks out when suddenly confronted with unexpected blood. About a million memories of people, more than half of them him, bleeding from the mouth assault him at once, all clamoring for his undivided attention. When Dirk and Hal get up he realizes he's not breathing, and by the time they're out of the room he's able to move again. His brain is being loud at him, and he automatically falls back on one of the only coping mechanisms he know.

"I hope he's okay, well he said he was okay so I assume that must be true. Man, stabbing yourself with a fork is kind of hard core, they're not even sharp. I wonder how strong he is. Dirk's phone must be up in John's room, we were chilling in there earlier, observing the frankly incredible movie poster collection. We haven't really gotten around to watching the movies that Dirk brought from his universe, have we? I mean, suffering through all the Nic Cage stuff is going to be a trial but man I'm excited to see Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff brought to... life? Maybe life is the wrong word for it."

The noise and color in Dave's head fades as he thoroughly distracts himself by talking for the next 5 solid minutes. John and his dad engage him in conversation between bites, but Dave can't quite bring himself to eat again just yet.

 

"Hey, wait." Hal grabs Dirk's arm, and when Dirk opens his mouth to ask what's up, Hal bridges the gap between them. The kiss is soft, and sweet, and Dirk goes stiff as a board for a full five seconds before shuddering as the tension leaves him and he sags against Hal. It's chaste, tender, obnoxious as fuck. Dirk never lets Hal kiss him like this unless they're in bed, and Hal is working his praise kink, and even then he is uncomfortable. He can't stand the gentle shit for too long though, and pushes Hal away from him. The android staggers back a step, resignation and a flash of disappointment on his face, but his eyes widen in surprise when Dirk surges after him, pinning Hal against the wall with his body.
Dirk tugs the turtleneck down with one hand, rough and demanding, sucks and nibbles along the curve of Hal's throat. Hal makes a tiny noise, and Dirk smirks against his skin. His free hand slides down to cop a feel of that perfect, tight ass, and Hal shudders.
Bite, suck, squeeze. Dirk pulls back, traces the mark he's left with his tongue. It'll fade in minutes, but he takes immense satisfaction in marking the android regardless.
"Well fuck me," Hal breathes as Dirk adjusts the collar of his sweater to hide the huge hickey.
"Later." Dirk steps back, and then breathes out hard. "Dadbert's pretty fucking hot, huh."
"You too? Yeah. He could snap us both like twigs."
"Yeah." Dirk clears his throat. "Uh. Yeah. Think Dave's chill now?"
"One moment." They exit the bathroom, Dirk sitting on the top step and waiting.

-- technicalOdyssey began pestering turntechGodhead --

TO: Hey dude.
TO: Sorry about that stupid shit that previously transpired. Are you alright or should Dirk and I pretend we lost our phones under some furnishings for a bit?

 

***
The rambling will continue until moral improves. After a minute or two Dave's phone vibrates in his lap and he feels a pang of guilt for not actually checking with Hal to make sure he was okay.

TG: no problem
TG: im the chillest no worries
TG: and even if i wasnt
TG: which i am
TG: yall hiding in the closet while im overcome with the vapors is super unnecessary
TG: see you in a sec i assume

-- turntechGodhead stopped pestering technicalOdyssey --