Yesss. I'll have to check it out l8r when I have the brain for that, but thank you, applechime. ur my angle.
HRRRG i hadn't read the last little update and.......... my heart................. (the comments about how soundwave's carrier loyalty coding is really similar to standard fic slavecoding HURTS ME IN THE SOUL) Spoiler HERES THE BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HERES THE BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HERSE MY BOYT O BEAR THE MATRIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've typed an exhausting number of words this weekend, so I'm just going to go ahead and copy over my comment I just left Spoiler Also, ohhhhhhhh my god, Jazz admitting that he's been planning to let Soundwave and his family live, Soundwave finding the coldest moments to say that Jazz is a good liar, talking about how he lies... but the other autobots think Jazz loves Soundwave too, Soundwave bringing up that Jazz didn't have a song for their moment in the jungle (and oh man, how rare must it be for jazz to be at THAT much of a loss in his thoughts, he's such a plotter)-- GOD. I ache. I ache so bad, please keep hurting each other this way, but only if you promise to make up and love each other properly later.
I commented a thing on ao3 that made me feel clever SO HEY That first part is just me dissecting the deep deep parts of character emotions and needs and motivations, because I am apparently literally incapable of not doing that thing. But the second part, my not very subtle goal is to keep nudging at ways for Jazz to understand how Soundwave's life functions and ways Jazz could feel real sympathy for him. Ways for Jazz to recognize why Soundwave doesn't understand him. And maybe work out a way to frame it for Soundwave to get it right. So they can be in 5ever love. And then Soundwave can recognize that the only way to hold Jazz is by NOT holding him, because freedom is such a fundamental need for Jazz. But if Soundwave can give him that space, then perhaps Jazz can be like a bird. Who flies off and is trusted to come back home on his own terms. Like, say, a hawk. Where you slip his jesses. And let him go hunting and fly away and have the open air. HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING. If there was, you know, some kind of song with some sort of metaphor along those lines that might be super hella appropriate for how these two can stop hurting each other and be the complements and emotional supports that they were always meant to be. You know. Hypothetically. Trufax, I've been singing that song at least once a day since I posted it. No shame. I forgot that was one of my favorite songs, and now it fills me with so many extra emotions.
Guess who just got a big heaping dose of OPTIMISM!!! :D I meant to leave a short comment on ao3 and left an essay, AS I DO, and I'm just going to copy peacewish's whole reply, because I am sick of fighting the select tool on mobile Spoiler: long I don't know if those words make sense, this is harder to articulate than I thought :P - No, it makes perfect sense! The distinction between practical and emotional loads is a very important one, and both Jazz and Soundwave started this journey with a relatively light vs heavy burden in each of them, respectively. Then as the story progressed, and they got more wrapped up in each other and also the outside world got more unstable, both kinds grew to the point where our guys could barely handle either let alone both. Factor in the fluctuating relationships with other slaves, Megatron et al., and it became a disaster in the making. Jazz would be kind of horrified if he realized how tightly Soundwave is tied down. - I think he already does know, because Jazz is smart and he listens carefully when Soundwave talks, if only because he's always looking for weaknesses. He's had enough glimpses of SW's family behaviors to get that SW feels himself belonging to Megatron - and as a mech who was literally built to belong to others, that rightly horrifies him. At the same time, though, Jazz isn't going to let himself internalize that understanding and really grasp it, because that would be a reason to sympathize with Soundwave and show him mercy, and Jazz can't afford to be in that place right now. SW is a dangerous, smart obstacle to his own plans and he can't let himself falter, or SW will shut him and his escape down for good. So instead he distances himself, makes sneering jokes about him and Megatron, and laughs off his master's death like it shouldn't be any big deal to SW when he knows perfectly well that it is. It's that emotional cover-up that Soundwave is going to have to clear away before they can approach anything like a middle ground. 'it's that emotional cover-up that soundwave is going to have to clear away before they can approach anything like a middle ground' Plus the thing about how these particular circumstances have put Jazz and Soundwave both under EXTREME loads. And these circumstances have already tipped past the breaking point and are headed to an explosive end. Plus the thing about how Jazz is legit kind of horrified by how tied down Soundwave is, he just CAN'T let himself feel bad for Soundwave right now. And... let's be real, Megatron ain't gonna survive this fic. And once the decepticon empire IS in pieces, Jazz will be able to let himself feel things. OPTIMISM :')
Spoiler: UPD8 TEXT Soundwave did not think, to be very honest about it all, that he’d ever been so stunned in his entire life. That ridiculous young mech, this simpleton from the ghettos who’d unwittingly dealt him so many headaches and then had the exasperating temerity to just vanish - was here. Right in front of him, still staring at them both with such an idiotic look in his naive blue optics. His plating was scuffed and scraped, some of it liberally smeared with the ancient rust all around them, like he’d been down here for a while. Was this where he was hiding, all this time? “Uhh… so anyway.” Apprehensively he looked from him to Jazz and back again, taking in their tense postures, the gun in Jazz’s hand, the prone Laserbeak sprawled between them. “You’re busy, and I’ll just be going now.” He tried to turn to the stairs and Jazz shot a hole in the wall an inch away from his head, never once taking his optics off Soundwave and then promptly bringing the blaster right back to Laserbeak’s head. Hot Rod squawked and jumped backward, nearly falling over on his backside. “That was my way of saying, ‘Don’t move, please.’ One moment.” In one deft move Jazz scooped Laserbeak back into the crook of his arm, stood and backed away until he could comfortably keep both of them in his sightline. Soundwave could tell well enough that Jazz looked just as flabbergasted as he himself felt, but to Hot Rod he merely flashed a patronizing smile. “Well, look what the rain washed in. You’re a long way from your refinery, kid.” Hot Rod hunched his shoulder struts, looking a cross between guilty and defensive. “I know.” “So you looking for somethin’? Or just very, very lost?” “Both… sort of.” Yet again he looked from Jazz’s gun to the sigil on Soundwave’s chest, the obvious question forming in his optics. “Should he be -” “Optics on me, Junior,” Jazz prompted. “You know if you were hoping to play Megatron’s groupie tonight, you’re about ten stories in the wrong direction.” “What? No, that’s not- Look, I’m just trying to find my friend, okay? I didn’t mean to wind up down here. I don’t even know where ‘here’ is. All I do know is that every time I go looking for him, I wind up somewhere in this hole instead. It’s not like I want to! But the voices -” He cut himself off, and the light in Jazz’s visor sharpened with curiosity. “Go on.” “I have these, um, voices in my head. Like a comlink, but not. Deeper.” “And what do the voices say?” “I don’t know, I can’t hear them. I mean, I hear them, I hear them mumbling and whispering in my head. But never loud enough for me to get the words. When I’m down here, though, they’re almost clear enough. I think I can almost hear what they want to tell me. But only almost.” With every additional word of nonsense that came out of the boy’s mouth, Soundwave was left more and more perplexed and he could see Jazz was much the same. He exchanged a bewildered look with Soundwave and then huffed a little through his vents. “Great. Just what I needed tonight: a spoilerful of crazy.” “I know what it sounds like,” Hot Rod muttered resentfully. “But if it bothers you, I’ll go.” Again he looked to the stairs, and again Jazz raised his blaster in a meaningful way. “Ah no, afraid I can’t let you do that. You might do something silly, like try to find a Decepticon and tell him what I’m doing- ” “What are you doing?” “- and I don’t have time for that, so you’re stuck with us for the rest of the night, Paintjob.” “My name is Hot Rod.” “Hot Rod,” Jazz murmured thoughtfully, so quick on the take that Soundwave knew he’d been deliberately baiting the mech into giving up his name. Idly he rolled his head one way and the other, scrutinizing. “Hot Rod… Hot Rod. No, doesn’t ring a bell. And I am very good with names.” “Huh?” “Have we met? Ever?” Blankly Hot Rod stared at Jazz. “Uh, don’t think so. I know who you are, though. You’re the dancing slave.” “Most just call me Jazz. You’re sure we’ve never met? Let’s face it, you’d probably remember me more than I’d remember you.” Hot Rod’s mouth fell open, some kind of indignant noise forming from within. “No, we’ve never met. I’m not an Autobot. I’m not a Decepticon. I’m just an ordinary mech sparked in an ordinary temple, working in Shockwave’s ordinary factories my whole ordinary life. Right now I’m kind of missing that.” “Missing,” Jazz echoed, and something sparked deep within his visor. “You’ve been down here a while, haven’t you?” “Longer than I ever wanted. I found this cache of energon bars -” “You went missing,” Jazz repeated with extra relish, his gaze shifting to Soundwave with a triumphant gleam. “I’ll be damned. Gotta hand it to you, babe, that was a tricky one. I’d have never, ever guessed.” Soundwave glared in silence. Hot Rod looked confused again, which seemed to be his natural state. “Guessed…?” “You know Director Soundwave, Hot Rod?” “No.” “Well he knows you. He’s been looking for you.” “For me? What? Why?” “I was hopin’ you could tell me. He’s mad at me right now, and he never tells me anything when he’s mad.” Nervously Hot Rod looked back from Jazz to him, spoiler wilting slightly under Soundwave’s menacing stare. “Uh… is it about the speeding?” Jazz rolled a disgusted groan down his throat. “Ugh, never mind - I don’t have time for this. Let’s just get back to where we left off, shall we? My love, you know the way. Come along, Flames.” “Please don’t -” “Too late for that, it’s the three of us now. That’s how Soundwave likes it.” He grinned mirthlessly when he caught Soundwave’s look, barrel of his gun bumping against Hot Rod’s head. “Now move.”
Spoiler: UPD8 WAIL holy shit i JUST realized how brutal jazz's last comment was HOLY SHIT ICE COLD :( HE WASN'T HAVING FUN EITHER JAZZ!!!!!!
Oh dear, I actually went to the trouble of being a good commenter for a change, and dreamwidth is choking on my post XD I got to the fic fine, but commenting? NOPE. Spoiler AND THAT LAST COMMENT! I made a noise out loud, that was a DELIGHTFULLY nasty potshot. I am distressed, and so excited over how distressed I am!
Spoiler I feel like some people wouldn't see it as rape bc Soundwave technically never says no or resists, but like... it's pretty clear that Megatron has been pushing his boundaries and the loyalty Soundwave has installed in him, right? Like he never says no bc he doesn't think he CAN, and bc Jazz is there to get hurt more if he says no, it's not bc he wants any of it.
