Yesterday I was called in to work. Still Haven't gotten word on when I'll work my route. By the looks of things, I've got a long wait until I become regular. Like maybe ten years if I'm lucky. Today is amazon sunday. Official day two. They most likely still don't have my badge. Which is annoying af. Ed the Manager Guy was v surprised at how well I handled yesterday. It was kinda overwhelming and I'm going to need to find a way to relax on the road. In other news, I hate driving LLV 17. The gas pedal needs stomping for it to work and I'm used to a delicate accelerator. Luckily it's not mine forever. I much rather deliver packages in my own car though. I now have a fat notebook as well as my planner. I need pockets big enough for them. My anxiety keeps stemming from not knowing what to do and I keep finding seconds of relief in the fact that they clearly didn't expect me to do well. And on the plus side, everyone is so willing and ready to help. And my paychecks are just. Holy shit dawg.
Today was not terrible. My LLV (mail truck) got stuck on a dirt road and I cried a lot. A really nice old couple on a four wheeler towed me out though. I didn't finish my route, and wasn't on time even a little. But the other fella helped me out at the end so I could go home. Apparently we aren't supposed to be driving in the dark in the LLV and since I don't know the area it's harder for me to be fast. Plus getting stuck was a full hour of my day. Things are really hard but I'm determined to be better. Is this what recovery looks like? Idk. But I'm stubborn and refuse to give up.
I did four parcel routes today, plus lockboxes on my route. Long day. Last route entirely in the dark. I want to sleep until Christmas
Amazon sunday is The Worst. Driving LLV gives me anxiety. Over a hundred parcels per person today. It's only gonna get worse. C: Usps trends this week: 45 inch smart tvs Instapot Car seats Fifty pound dog food
Today, everything felt completely fucking impossible: dropped all the mail for the first address; had to figure out how the fuck to drive my car from the passenger seat a whole tray of flats slipped in my pov, upended; I was working dps (presorted mail) and flats (magazines and flat parcels) and little bundles of sprs (small parcels and rolls) separately bc that's how my trainer had me set up (which. is really goddamn hard kept forgetting to look between all three bundles when I stopped at a box bc adhd fail to retrace the route after missing an entire bundle of flats never really figured out how the fuck to drive my car from the passenger seat, so i just drove in the center and parked at almst every address to lean bc im smol and cannot reach the brake if im reaching for the box in my huge car my car window is now stuck in the door bc the power window motor is out and i had to push the glass down to do mail ... a long day, even with only HALF the route. I got so mad at myself for fucking up that I ended up banging my head on the car. I hope nobody saw me sperg-melting. I don't plan on quitting but holy shit fuck I hope tomorrow is easier. My arms are all bruised and chaffed from driving my car and leaning out. /vent
I had a bad crippling anxiety attack this morning. Boss called and said I needed to come in before 11, which he had told me was my time. I'm running the route today, he tells me. I have only run half the route with a handful of packages. I've never been in early enough to see where to get things. Essentially everything got real impossible real fast. So I freaked out for 45 minutes, Damien also freaked out bc he can't understand why I can't physically move when I have a bad meltdown. I neg-stimmed bad and my ears ring. I called my boss back and told him I can't do the thing bc something something no one can watch my sister after work. He didn't sound mad but. Idk. Imo I need more time. I haven't cased all too much and I'm slow at it. I'd rather a job open up in the post office that's just parcel delivery. Mail stresses me out. I need more time.
I've wasted the day reading spideypool comics and fic. I dont think I feel better. Spoiler: Nsfw I can't even getting into explicit fic for distraction bc for some reason my brain keeps throwing work anxieties at me every few paragraphs. Just enough that there's no use trying.
Little alcoholism things: cannot drink one cocktail to calm nerves in social situations bc what is moderation urgency of need for alcohol arises at silly hours like 815am before work
Spoiler: fake geek girl, sexism, jerry garcia theres so much sexism in my workplace it blows my mind. i guess ive always worked for chill companies with mostly ladies running shit, ie my jobs with theme parks and customer service phone stuff. my boss tried to insist i knew nothing about pink floyd based on the fact i was wearing a shitty dark side of the moon shirt i stole from fiance. i looked him in the eye and just "buddy ive listened to it two times, the whole album beginning to end. it's not my favorite. i like the wall better." and that. condescending "uh huh. you know dark side of the moon is my favorite album" i fucking bet you jerry garcia looking mother fucker. i bet you say that and i bet you've actually listened to about three songs on it and got shit faced at a concern once. literally every boomer your age says dark side of the moon is their favorite album. i bet another of your favorites is the eagles hotel california. youre an ancient fucking stereotype and FUCK you for making me feel incompetent. but on the bright side, i've been getting lots of praise. i've been doing really well at work. better than everyone expected. i came back on time today and had done the whole route properly. I even remembered to put aside any mail on hold and put notes on my regulars desk explaining anything else i brought back. my regular takes off the next two weeks starting saturday and i just. OTL I worry.
I got tricked into coming into work thinking I was running packages. They had me on a different route I've never run in the truck. Cue the crying when making a smol mistake. However no one explicitly said I'd be doing it tomorrow, nor was the schedule updated. Soooo I'm just gonna ignore my phone for two days since I'm not on the schedule. I hope Jeff comes back tomorrow bc honestly fuck him for calling in. Also the post master was passive aggressive with me when I asked a legit question, I was mad as shit at her. She's previously tried to get me to switch my craft from rural to city carrier bc I'm smart and fast. Keeps asking if I'm sure I want this job. Trying to put doubt in my head. I'm worried I'll get in trouble for not coming in until my scheduled Saturday. But I need to Calm The Fuck Down. And I've been busting ass for weeks. They can deal. I haven't slept more than four hours a night for the past week. For me, this is UNideal. I'm a nine or ten hour kinda guy.. Fucking. It would be so much easier for me to educate everyone at once that I am a little weird because Sperg not because I'm dense. In other news I've managed to disguise my meltdowns at work as "frustration at not being perfect / knowing i can do better" and it makes me seem like a determined worker rather than a crybaby who can't executive function.
It would probably be obnoxious of me to make a THIRD vent thread. So I'm just going to stick this here to get it off my chest. It sucks seeing the person you cared about and loved as your best friend leave and change and suddenly you don't have the same jokes or social rules anymore and everything she says makes me mad. She's got conservative leaning views that are strengthening. She doesn't use her brain about topics, instead just trusting people for her own thoughts. She used to be so free and forward and I used to admire her and now she just. She makes stupid choices and she wants to have a baby? We don't vibe like we used to. Me and B have good banter still. Why are me and J not. Why did we have to grow up. Even B wears on me at times, admittedly. The same problems. Same bitching. Me giving the same advice. Gets old. I just can't be bothered to care. Maybe I've just changed too much. Things that were important to me in high school are clearly not as important now. Different things matter. Growing up sucks man. The people you thought you'd know forever in high school aren't the same people. Which is fine. I want them to grow and become better. But the trip is starting to drift. Hell J lives in fucking Alaska now. Every time she sends a beautiful picture of her surroundings I get angry. She left me, I mean. Why the fuck do I care what Alaska looks like or how cold it is. You've been there a year. I'm over it. The market on that is saturated. I don't even care about Washington or Portland anymore either. You not being able to find 420 friendly apartments is an absolutely fucking stupid reason to stay in one you can't afford. I don't care about your work anxiety. I'm sure mine has numbed you out at this point too. I don't care about Bs shit with her mom. Maybe I'm just being a self centered asshole. Bonus work related grumble: I have six missed calls but no voicemails. My anxiety sucks. Bonus bonus house environment anxiety: there are rats in my kitchen wall and they eat the bait off the traps without tripping them and I just. (:
Not thirty miles from my place to work. The issue is the ignition switch. Need to take apart the whole steering column. It's stuck in fiance's driveway.
Update: car borken for good. Stepmom let me borrow her truck for a couple days. I'm going to sell my new switch for cash and sell my old car for parts. Things is ok. Better start to the new year.
Car will be going into the shop. I will be working and will have to somehow make all the phone calls and arrangements while at work. I wish I had someone to make calls and shit for me. I hate this. Spoiler: Body tmi, suicide Bonus: guess whose menstrual cycle is about to start. Cue the screaming suicidal ideations.
