underwater glubglub noises Spoiler: i think i'll put all of these under a cut just because i can i need to be perfect. i need to be perfect for everyone i need to never hurt anyone but i keep fucking hurting people, always, all i want to do is stop hurting but i don't know how it's ingrained in me to hurt people and i do it even without knowing and i do it ALL THE TIME, i feel outside myself, i feel like i'm watching a movie where the character keeps making shitty decisions and it happens over and over and over and i want them to fucking stop but they won't i can't kill myself because that would hurt my boyfriend and he's already had too much death in his life his friend got stabbed to death in a park over a year ago and sometimes i'm still up all night talking him through his tears over it because it still fucking hurts him and he's so soft and kind and gentle and it would hurt him if i killed myself but i'm going to hurt him eventually anyways so what does it matter, and i have the fucking. rates of effectiveness for all my methods memorized and so many plans and i'm just waiting for things to tip to where i have to try it again. i'm too scared to stay alive i was never supposed to live i wish my dad had let my mom kill me when i was a baby because she saw the devil in me i wish he hadn't walked in and stopped her i wish she'd done it and i wouldn't have to be here any more i'm so tired i'm so tired i'm going to be just like her and i can't even stop myself
i don't know if you welcome responses in your vent thread, but -- that really sounds like severe depression, and it is treatable, please look into meds. i've been there and it was terrible, but i'm not there anymore. you won't be there forever either. *hugs*
responses are fine? i'm just not sure what anyone has to say besides "therapy and meds" and i can't get either right now. which kinda sucks :P
Spoiler: boyfriend talk, good and bad things i love him so much. i have like. an amount of feeling i didn't know my body could contain. i want to wrap him in warmth and give him good and happy feelings and never let him be hurt again. i KNOOOOOW my dependency issues are gonna come into play and i'm scared, i don't WANT to be stuck in that position again where i break down if i don't talk to him for a half hour. i'm not there yet. i'm actually not even close. i'm not scared all the time. i feel calm with him. i don't have the fear that i'm never going to hear from him again. but i am scared that my shitty brain is going to take charge and my disorders are gonna fuck everything up like always and i am so afraid of hurting him. he says that sometimes people hurt each other and if that happens we'll talk about it and work it out, and it's not the end of the world, and that makes sense, but also i Cannot Hurt Him EveR Please I Just Need To Be Perfect For Him Always sigh
Spoiler i just? don't fit anywhere. i have such a weird grabbag of opinions that ensures i don't ever belong anywhere. i'm too tumblrized for this site, i can't deal with tumblr's constant policing of EVERYTHING, i'm too conflict avoidant for either, i want to be an activist but i'm a bad queer no matter who's looking so i can't represent anyone and i'm so fuckinh scared of getting yelled at and called names and everything i do is wrong, no matter what i do everyone is angryand i can't make it stop i just want to be safe somewhere.anywhere. i literally don't know why i'm still alive i can't change myself enough to fit and i can't be good enough and i wish i wasn't such a nasty fucking scumbag of a human who always prioritizes his own comfort at the expense of others. i wish i fit somewhere.
Spoiler other people are allowed to yell and get angry and get upset and i'm just not i don't know sometimes i wish i was allowed to be angry or hurt or say no or stop but i don't know how to do that i feel like i spend every second i'm awake curled up into a ball hiding my face and waiting for it to stop happening but it never does i'm tired and scared and i'm. never getting better so who cares why am i still here why am i still alive i don't know
Spoiler goddammit i KNOW i'm stupid ok i know quit rubbing my face in it all the time. i'm trying, i don't know how to do any better than i am now, i'm trying to fucking stay alive and stop hurting myself but no matter what i do i'm wrong somehow and i'm an embarrassment and stupid stupid stupid and everything that's obvious to other people has to be explained to me i know i'm stupid but i wish i didn't have to be i wish i could just grit my teeth and power through things and not feel all my feelings so much and curl up and hide whenever i can't handle it i wish i wasn't so completely fucking worthless and pathetic and a waste of everyone's time
Spoiler suicidal urges aren't going away and inside my head is bubbly goopy static dripping down my head screaming at me to die is this what my mom meant when she said the devil was in me was she right am i always going to be like this it doesn't matter anyways i'm yelling into the dark hoping for answers or comfort or anything but it just sucks me in and eats me and spits my brains back at me when i die it stops why can't you just fucking let me have that
Spoiler i hate my body so much like even without factoring in dysphoria it's just disgusting and i hate it lol. i can't pretend to be a boy i can't pretend to be a cute girl i'm just. hideous and fat and saggy and literally actually deformed no wonder no one wants to fuck me!! i wouldn't want to fuck me!!! i make myself fucking sick, or maybe i SHOULD make myself fucking sick again like i used to, i used to be so much thinner and my hips were smaller and my face was sharper and i wasn't quite as much of a hideous unfuckable piece of shit lmao i can feel how much space i take up and everyone around me is gorgeous and wanted and deserves to be wanted and i just need to disappear
Spoiler blhhh i'm sorry for posting here so much i don't know what else to do i wish i was less traumatized and less ugly so i could manage to do some kind of sex work and at least make some money off being a hypersexual wreck who'll fuck anyone who looks twice i wish i could think about going to meet my boyfriend without KNOWING that he's going to be disappointed when he meets me because he's gorgeous and i'm disgusting and i don't deserve him, what if he leaves me, what if he takes one look at me and refuses to touch me what if he forces himself to touch me because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings and pretends he wants to but i can tell he's doing it because he's kind even though he's repulsed by
Spoiler: hhhhh i want to post in the characters you overidentify with thread but i'm p sure i've already got a reputation around the forums as the bad evil fictionkin and even though i ended up clarifying that it's overidentifying/connection thing that's p similar to a lot of what i've seen in the thread i feel like talking about it at all would just reinforce my position as one of the enemy especially because i still describe myself using the term fickin even though maybe i'm not using it the way some people do i mean, i guess i could just quit using the word and use a different one but at this point in time i feel really ick about letting other people tell me what words to use to talk about myself like they know me better than i do or they get to tell me who i am instead of me doing it myself i'm scared making that thread guaranteed i'm going to be someone who gets mostly avoided, tolerated at best and very disliked and distrusted at worst
people disagreeing with you doesn't mean that they think you're evil or the enemy, and i don't think anyone involved in the fictionkin thread thinks you are either of those things.
there's been an alteration of perception, though, and not in a positive way. which is acceptable and not a bad thing. but i don't think i feel inclined to apologize for feeling bad about it in my vent thread.
i'm not suggesting that you apologize for feeling bad about it. what i'm trying to say is that i don't think making that thread made everyone hate you, and that you shouldn't worry about posting in the characters you (over)identify with thread.
oops, sorry, i misread you then. i'm just not comfortable posting on the thread, because posts i make about characters i relate to heavily could likely be viewed in a different way from other people's posts. that's my own fault for making the thread and not abandoning the term, but my brain isn't going to let me feel ok posting in the thread (i've kind of already given out much more information on that stuff than i am really comfortable giving out anyways.) also i guess posting in this thread frequently and not getting any response (although responses are welcome but were not asked for) until i mentioned fickin stuff kind of feels like it confirms that i am That One Person With The Fictionkin Thread and that i'm going to have a real hard time being seen as anything but that if i try this might be just brainbugs tho
sorry. i just felt like responding to this 'cause it directly relates to how we perceive you and that is something i actually thought i knew enough about to help you with your worries about. and i don't think the fictionkin thread is what i associate the most with you.
no apology needed on your part here, i suspect i am being paranoid and doing the thing where i suspect everyone hates me all the time. i do appreciate you responding here and i can tell you responded with positive intent. brains are just real bad sometimes.
useless lazy piece of shit deformed ugly untrustworthy manipulative abusive cowardly trash you KNOW you have to do it so drink up already
