Spoiler i don't understand what i'm doing i i feel like. the pattern is repeating he met me the same way, we fell in love too fast, he broke up w one of his other partners, he told me he trusts me, he told me he wants to keep me safe and he loves me he bought me a shark necklace i feel like it's happening again and i feel sick i don't want it to happen over i don't want it to be like it was with i'm so tired of being scared i'm so tired
Spoiler lololololol everyone hates meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee rub my face in what a bad person i am a little more why dontcha, really drive the point home! really make it clear how much i disgust you and how wrong i am! wouldn't want any ambiguity there! i mean, i'm not good at communicating, so you wouldn't want me to misunderstand you, right? geez! i'm just such a fucking waste of space! haha!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spoiler wanting advice is symptomatic and manipulative, wanting reassurance is symptomatic and manipulative, wanting comfort is symptomatic and manipulative, why, everything i do is symptomatic and manipulative! and i can't even catch myself doing it! i just want to hear that i'm not evil or bad but the only person who can say that is my boyfriend and eventually i'll tire him out or hurt him and then he won't say it anymore and i'll be alone again and i don't exist when i'm alone this post is symptomatic and manipulative lol i can't win can i
@gills hey, I remember I talked to you a little while back about picking up on maladaptive symptomatic behaviors, and I just wanted to say that if anything I said has contributed to how you're beating up on yourself currently, I'm really sorry. none of it was meant that way, and it really makes me sad to see you using terminology which should be aiding in your recovery to hurt yourself. you should by no means use my feeling bad as an excuse to make yourself feel worse, by the way. and it's okay to take a break from trying to improve if it's making you feel worse.
oh no, i'm sorry, this isn't your fault, this is a thought train that's chugging away in my head constantly.
ok this isn't negative just kind of embarrassing and silly literally just reads the word mettaton handflaps joyfully, remembers life is worth living, my skin is instantly clearer and my crops are flourishing
ok i am going to be bad and directly ask for reassurance (or not, if i really am on the wrong) am i bad for missing two days of school in a row it's mostly just a bad cold i threw up but probably just bc i took pain meds without eating idk i feel really guilty even though i've always been a good student and my current overall for attendance is something like 96%
Spoiler i almost split at my boyfriend yesterday i caught it and i told him i was going to go to sleep and he,,knew what was happening he knew i was going to split and even though it wasn't his fault it's just my dumbfuck brain he felt so bad he's kind and very sensitive and even though he understands it it still hurts. and instead of taking care of himself he waited till this morning and then tried to take care of me. i feel so bad. why am i doing this to him why why why why i know i don't deserve him i skipped run before he knows it too
Nothing bad about directly asking for reassurance. No, you are not bad for missing two days of school in a row, nor would you be bad if you had decided to skip them without having a cold. Given that you do have a cold, not going was unambiguously the right choice from a self care perspective, a public health perspective and a learning perspective - better to miss a few days than go to school but not really be present for longer because you're not getting the rest you need to get well quickly. I Feel on the guilt about missing school even for perfectly legitimate reasons, and not feeling guilty is hard as hell, but I hope it helps some to know the guilt is lying to you.
thank you. it does help. it helps too that i'm back at school now and no one is acting mad. thank you.
school systems: i have made Education actually good teachers: you fucked up a perfectly good student is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety
Spoiler i just feel like i'm walking through sludge and i can't move my legs are tired, i don't feel like i can do this any more. i need help. but i can't get help for a long long time and idk if i can make it til then i'm withdrawing from everyone again and then i feel alone and that hurts, but letting people in hurts too, i'm just stuck my face is all torn up i can't fucking stop picking at my skin i hate this i hate? this??? i can't stop picking or scratching my arms and now i'm ripping my lashes out too Cool wanna die
Spoiler nothing was even directed at me but i still have the urge to curl up hide and sob i still have the feeling of "he's going to hurt me he's going to hurt me he's going to hurt me" what is even the POINT why do that????????? i'm scared and everyone just kinda goes "haha yeah that's just how he is" despite the fact that it is hurting people no one cares no one cares because there's an enemy and i'm it sorry for trying to keep myself alive i guess if anyone starts yelling at me in my vent thread over this i'm going to scream PM me if you need to get mad at me.
Spoiler i want to go and pick fights here or on tumblr or SOMETHING just so someone will yell at me why do i want this? who knows!!!! maybe i actually LIKE panicking and sobbing. maybe i want to feel like a victim.making maybe i want to lash out and hurt someone. i don't know!!!! most of all i just want someone to make me really upset and then give me permission to die so i can finally get out of here.
Spoiler today sucked i got screamed at by my mom first thing, teacher yelled at me in class, we had a pop quiz i didn't feel prepared for and i scratched my arm up, we spen the rest of class doing something that is a big sensory fuck-no, and did it in a way and makes it twice as long and twice as fucky! and i couldn't get it right! and i started sobbing like a fucking child in front of the entire class!! andthen hitting my head on things because i couldn't stop crying and then i got yelled at some more!!!! why am i such a pathetic fuckinh MESS i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself, whatever, i'm gonna scratch up my arms some more and when my boyfriend sees them he's going to cry because he cares so much and he hates it when i hurt myself but whatever i can't even stop for him
Spoiler i don't even know what i'm trying to do anymore let's face it i'm just prolonging things but i'm gonna off myself eventually, i'm not getting better, i don't remember ever being better, i don't get to be ok. aaand now i get to cry on the bus on theway home so everyone can stare at what a useless pathetic crybaby waste i am
Spoiler: rape/murder tw i hope someday im walking home from the bus stop someonw just grabs me and rapes me then mueders me ans dumps my dead body in the trash i cant pussy out again that way and at leasr id get fucked once befofe i die and id grt to die and it wouldnt be my fault people would cry over me even if its just fake girl me at least thats something i make it so easy i dont ever carry the pepper spray my parents bought me i wpuldnt fight back i couldnt if i tried
